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Author Topic: Looking for advice, not sure how to help my BPD boyfriend  (Read 356 times)
shawnav

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8


« on: September 30, 2015, 04:25:17 PM »

I recently posted about my experience with my exBPD and how my heart was broken for the fact that while he was in my life (a very short 3 months) I knew nothing at all about BPD and what I was dealing with. How I wished for a second chance to relate to him differently.

As of Monday he is back in my life. The thing with my exBPD is that in addition to his mental condition, he is homeless. Not an abnormal condition for someone suffering from this terrible illness.

Now that he is back I see all of the old patterns right there ready for us to get caught back up into again. I'm responding completely differently this time, seeing his childish antics for what they are and not getting trapped by them. But I feel hopelessly lost in how to get him help. He's stubborn (understatement right?), comes up with weird and random excuses not to do what makes the most sense to help himself with his current situation and just wants me to essentially support him. I tried that last time and never saw the thousands of dollars I gave him again. Nor do I expect to, so I'm not jumping into that again. I just can't give up on him. I feel so strongly if he's given a fighting chance with a stable living environment, stable girlfriend (one who doesn't fall into his ploys like last time) and REAL help... .he could have a real chance at healing. But the first step is getting them to see THEY have an issue. Has anyone had success with that? If so, how? Homelessness adds a whole other level to all of this, too. He makes it so easy to get caught up in focusing on getting his current immediate needs met, that we can't ever move on from there. It feels hopeless. My finances are certainly finite at best. I pray someone out there has some encouraging words.
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Rapt Reader
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: married
Posts: 3626



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« Reply #1 on: October 01, 2015, 11:36:55 AM »

Hello, shawnav & Welcome

I'm so sorry for all of the stress and pain you have been going through; everyone on this site knows exactly how you feel! Seeing someone we love in trouble, and wanting to help him/her so much that it hurts, is a pretty sad place to be... .You are in the right place for information and support... .

Have you had the chance to check out the links to the right-had side of this page? Every single one of them is really helpful, and the Feature Articles (located at the links under the 4 photos at the top of the Staying Board's thread listing page. You can also find them here: When a partner, spouse or girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder) are also recommended for insights and tips into dealing with BPD.

One of the Feature Articles is titled "Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy", and it has some answers to the questions you mention. Here is an excerpt:

What Can I Do for a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder Traits?

Most families are not prepared to cope with a loved one who has a mental illness. It can be physically and emotionally trying, and it can make us feel vulnerable to the opinions and judgments of others.  If you think you or someone you know may have a mental or emotional problem, it is important to remember there is hope and help. With proper care and treatment many individuals learn to cope or recover from Borderline Personality Disorder.

What can we do for a loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder traits?

If we want to help a loved one to get into therapy and, more importantly, to embrace the therapy, we need to "plug in" and understand both the perceptual filters that our loved one has, and their motivations.  This generally requires a great deal of listening.

Studies show that there are three areas that are most productive for family members to focus on:

Building trust. Not blaming or not finding fault, but rather respecting our loved one's point of view, listening without telling them that they are wrong - especially regarding their point of view that they are not ill if that is their thinking. Amador says that family members and clinicians should listen carefully to the loved one's fears.  "Empathy with the patient's frustrations and even the patient's delusional beliefs are also important", remarked Amador, who said that the phrase "I understand how you feel" can make a world of difference.

Reinforcing the developing awareness.  Reinforce the struggles that the loved one perceives as concerning. One of the most difficult things for family members to do is to limit discussions only to the problems that the loved one with the mental illness perceives as problems - not to try to convince them of others. Work with what you have. It is important to develop a partnership with the loved one around those things that can be agreed upon.

Our belief that the loved one will benefit from treatment. Our loved one may be happy with where they are and moving them from this position is as much art as it is science - and it may take time.

What Not To Do

Professionals do not recommend that you tell a loved one that you suspect that they have Borderline Personality Disorder. We may think that our loved one will be grateful to have the disorder targeted and will rush into therapy to conquer their demons, but this usually doesn't happen.  Instead, this is difficult advice to receive and more likely to sound critical and shaming (e.g., you are defective) and incite defensiveness, and break down the relationship trust.  It's not like a broken leg where the affliction is tangible, the cure is tangible, and the stigma nonexistent.  While we are grateful to learn about the disorder and the pathways to recovery - for us the information is validating and represents a potential solution to our family problems- to the afflicted, it is shaming (you are defective),  stigmatizing (mental illness in general, Borderline Personality Disorder specifically), and puts all the responsibility for the family problems on the loved one's shoulders.


I do recommend that you not only check out that whole Article, but all of the other Articles at the link I gave you above. I can say that my own adult son (38) was diagnosed with BPD at age 36, and he could have fit the description that you gave of your boyfriend at the time of his diagnosis. He was subsequently treated (and is still being treated) and is in recovery from those behaviors and symptoms associated with BPD. So I can tell you from experience that there is hope, shawnav, that someone with BPD can realize he/she needs help, and then get that help, and find ways to have a better life 

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shawnav

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 8


« Reply #2 on: October 05, 2015, 04:18:16 PM »

Thank you for your kind words, Rapt Reader. Sadly, he's gone again already. He's so convinced I'm a horrible person. It's just so sad. There's really nothing I can do if I can't even convince him of my love for him. Clearly I'm a failure at that! You're right, it's just so heartbreaking having to watch their lives spiraling out of control and being helpless to stop it.
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