3weeks no contact. What now? Advice please

[blackorchid]

Hi

I don't know where to start really.  I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years. He's undiagnosed. He recognises himself that something is wrong. But never commits to going to the doctors.

Three weeks ago today he had a rage breakdown.  He's dad came to stay without us knowing he was coming on the Tuesday and he said I was disrespectful to him. The thing was the weekend before he arrived, my boyf has stayed in bed for three days. He wouldn't get out saying he was depressed. Then on Monday he got up and went out with a friend drinking. He told me he'd be back at 1am at the latest. But he turned up at 4:30 drunk left the door open the dog got out. When I woke up at 8:30 he was still drinking. He had an important work meeting at ten which of course he missed. When I got home at 3pm he was still asleep. I woke him up. Got screamed at. It was all if course my fault that he missed the meeting. Swearing and shouting at me then he left.  I'm a private tutor. Left for my evening lessons got home at 10:30 pm emotional and shattered. His dad had arrived with no prewarning. Because I dared to argue with him in front of his dad , he said I was disrespectful to his parents. Flew into s typical rage the next day. Didn't come home that night nor reply to my messages other than to say he was wondering the streets because he had no where to go.  I said that's ridiculous come home. No reply.

The next day he came. Packed EVERYTHING even the new TV we had just bought a few months earlier. Our joint laptop. I said leave that I need it for work. He took it anyway and has moved into work accommodation.

He has blocked me on everything. Told friends he never wants to speak to me again.  4 days later he came home drunk. Nice. Woke up in a rage again and left.  Haven't seen him since. That was 2and a half weeks ago.  

I moved countries for him. Flew home yesterday for a holiday.called from a friends phone yo ask if he would look after our dog. Was told why are you calling me we are over don't forget.  When I asked about the dog. He said she's not my dog and you are nothing to do with me and hung up.  

I have gone insane for three weeks and do not know what to do

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[Agent_of_Chaos]

Hi

I don't know where to start really.  I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years. He's undiagnosed. He recognises himself that something is wrong. But never commits to going to the doctors.

Three weeks ago today he had a rage breakdown.  He's dad came to stay without us knowing he was coming on the Tuesday and he said I was disrespectful to him. The thing was the weekend before he arrived, my boyf has stayed in bed for three days. He wouldn't get out saying he was depressed. Then on Monday he got up and went out with a friend drinking. He told me he'd be back at 1am at the latest. But he turned up at 4:30 drunk left the door open the dog got out. When I woke up at 8:30 he was still drinking. He had an important work meeting at ten which of course he missed. When I got home at 3pm he was still asleep. I woke him up. Got screamed at. It was all if course my fault that he missed the meeting. Swearing and shouting at me then he left.  I'm a private tutor. Left for my evening lessons got home at 10:30 pm emotional and shattered. His dad had arrived with no prewarning. Because I dared to argue with him in front of his dad , he said I was disrespectful to his parents. Flew into s typical rage the next day. Didn't come home that night nor reply to my messages other than to say he was wondering the streets because he had no where to go.  I said that's ridiculous come home. No reply.

The next day he came. Packed EVERYTHING even the new TV we had just bought a few months earlier. Our joint laptop. I said leave that I need it for work. He took it anyway and has moved into work accommodation.

He has blocked me on everything. Told friends he never wants to speak to me again.  4 days later he came home drunk. Nice. Woke up in a rage again and left.  Haven't seen him since. That was 2and a half weeks ago.  

I moved countries for him. Flew home yesterday for a holiday.called from a friends phone yo ask if he would look after our dog. Was told why are you calling me we are over don't forget.  When I asked about the dog. He said she's not my dog and you are nothing to do with me and hung up.  

I have gone insane for three weeks and do not know what to do

So sorry you are going through this.  Atop of emotional distress we have to deal with not knowing exactly what just happened.    It seems as though your ex went through a typical BPD rage.

If he were to speak to you would you go back to him?

[blackorchid]

Yes because being without him is actually killing me.

Just reread all my old posts and have seen that in pre rages he normally contacts me. Even if they are not nice messages. This time there's been nothing. In people's experience is that a sign that he's not coming back or did I do something wrong this time by not going NC and just pushed him too far away from me 

[CharWood]

honestly, I am coming out of a 4 year relationship... .I had one week of no contact back in July after my manipulative little devil woman of a borderline ex left and then slowly but surely by mid-September pushed her way back in to the house... .I have been where you have... .going crazy, being devastated over it, hoping she will come back and come to her senses... .my advice to you is to run far away. now that this vile woman is back in my life, her behavior is so much worse than ever before. Run... .run far away and try to heal yourself.  If he stays gone, good riddance honestly. Get your life back. I am fighting to try and get mine back.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Yes because being without him is actually killing me.

Just reread all my old posts and have seen that in pre rages he normally contacts me. Even if they are not nice messages. This time there's been nothing. In people's experience is that a sign that he's not coming back or did I do something wrong this time by not going NC and just pushed him too far away from me 

You didn't do anything wrong.  You stood up for yourself... .don't apologize for that.  The situation you are describing, the emotions you are feeling is somewhere we have all been.  You are in the push and pull phase.  If you are committed to staying perhaps you would find more sound advice on the staying board.

The board you are currently posting on is for people that are leaving and trying to detach.  Some already have and now its about healing.  Most posters will say to run, move on, let go... .but that isn't the advice you are seeking.

To answer your question, I think you are in the position that he knows you see behind his mask.  This can be very scary for someone with BPD b/c the mask is all they have.  This further supports his lack of communication. 

A bit of advice, your current situation is only going to magnify.  His ability to devalue you and detach is getting stronger.  You are going to have an uphill battle.  I strongly urge you to read both boards and truly decide if this is what you want in  your life.  When my ex and I first broke up I was very similar to you.  I posted on the staying board.  I would have done anything and everything to get through this together.  I would've supported her and went to therapy together if need be.  I wanted nothing more than to salvage our relationship.  No matter what I did she always slapped my hand away.  She would grab it when she needed something and would then let it go when she had a new supply or fixation.  The BPD won.  It was stronger than me.  It was stronger than us which I had a really hard time recognizing.  You really have to be  in a strong mental state to endure one of these relationships.

Regardless of what you choose I wish you the best and i sympathize with what you are going through.

[blackorchid]

Thank you. Food for thought

[blackorchid]

Ps I thought I was on the staying board?

[Daniell85]

You are on the staying board.  

Have you had a chance to read the lessons on the top of the page and to the right of the page. It really helps to understand what is happening.

What a rough time you have had lately   its so scary when they run off like that.

At this point in time, maybe use this time to take a step back and focus on yourself. While he is calming himself down on his own, you can stabilize your life, learn some stuff here, and do some self care.

I wont recommend NC, but if you went quiet on him, its likely he will calm quicker, and be back in touch. We can help you when that happens so ask questions. We are here to help!

[blackorchid]

Thank you Daniell85   

I know the lessons and know what I should have done but I guess I went a little crazy this time.  His dad came, I'm sure, with the intention of splitting us up and I know me talking about his dad had pushed him further away.  We're from different cultures and his parents have never quite approved.  The day he left I got phone calls from his mum telling me just how happy she is that we're over. Lots of things messing with my head.

Thank you for saying your here to help.  People just don't get it.  My family just say he's mental. He's insane. You're best off without him... .

I tried contacting him on Wednesday night.  As he's blocked my number I called from a neighbours phone. I've flew home for ten days. I moved countries to be with him. We have a dog together there was a last minute issue with the dog sitter. So I called to say would you look after daisy.  I got told she's not my dogs he's nothing to do with me. You're nothing to do with me, we're finished remember. Don't call again and he hung up... .