He ended up hitting himself in the face, calling me stupid

[Depression = 72% of members]

I work from home.  Yesterday the HOA sent workers to take down a redwood that is directly behind our home.  I messaged my husband to let him know this was happening and he was livid.  He said I should stop them.  How?  He said "well, some people chain themselves to trees".  He went on and on all day.  I have a job and a baby I need to take care of.  I don't have time to get arrested because I am chaining myself to a tree that was already planned to be taken down for months at least.  He came home in the evening still fuming.  He yelled at me saying that it was like a person had died and asked how I could possibly have just sat there and done nothing while they killed the tree.

Really? Over a tree?

I like trees too and I didn't want them to take this tree down, but I'm not going to make a huge drama over it.

Anyone have ideas on how to deal with a spouse when they are being so ridiculously histrionic?  He ended up hitting himself in the face, calling me stupid, asking me "well, if I told you I was going to punch you, what would you do?" (why?).  The baby was in her high chair and he shook the high chair really hard because he wanted to get her out and he doesn't know how to remove the tray.  Then the baby was crying while he was holding her so I gave her a frozen washcloth and he took it and threw it into a wall.  Really his behavior is so inappropriate.  I told him that it was not okay to act this way and he said every time I opened my mouth he was going to do something worse.

I really don't know how to deal with him when he gets this way.  He clearly wants help but whatever I try he tells me that I am incompetent and I "never" help him and I am stupid.

Please help!

[tm006f]

I work from home.  Yesterday the HOA sent workers to take down a redwood that is directly behind our home.  I messaged my husband to let him know this was happening and he was livid.  He said I should stop them.  How?  He said "well, some people chain themselves to trees".  He went on and on all day.  I have a job and a baby I need to take care of.  I don't have time to get arrested because I am chaining myself to a tree that was already planned to be taken down for months at least.  He came home in the evening still fuming.  He yelled at me saying that it was like a person had died and asked how I could possibly have just sat there and done nothing while they killed the tree.

Really? Over a tree?

I like trees too and I didn't want them to take this tree down, but I'm not going to make a huge drama over it.

Anyone have ideas on how to deal with a spouse when they are being so ridiculously histrionic?  He ended up hitting himself in the face, calling me stupid, asking me "well, if I told you I was going to punch you, what would you do?" (why?).  The baby was in her high chair and he shook the high chair really hard because he wanted to get her out and he doesn't know how to remove the tray.  Then the baby was crying while he was holding her so I gave her a frozen washcloth and he took it and threw it into a wall.  Really his behavior is so inappropriate.  I told him that it was not okay to act this way and he said every time I opened my mouth he was going to do something worse.

I really don't know how to deal with him when he gets this way.  He clearly wants help but whatever I try he tells me that I am incompetent and I "never" help him and I am stupid.

Please help!

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[Daniell85]

If you told him what you told us here, that you are busy and doing important things ( which is true, you are, and they are) then you missed an opportunity to validate him.

With BPD, this is an emotional thing. You see his feelings and subsequent actions and time wasting, ridiculous, you don't have time for this.

Would you have time to validate instead? For nons this becomes a judgement call on doing what is effective, not what you feel like doing. You are not wrong to feel and think how you do. You are not wrong at all. It's just not productive to have that discussion with someone with BPD.

I would like to give you some good examples, but I am kind of stuck in a stage where I talk too much, and end up JADE, which always makes my situation worse

Hopefully someone else will come along and help you with some ideas.  

[tm006f]

Daniell85, I did try to validate him.  One of his former therapists likened it to having a child who says there are monsters under his bed.  It doesn't help to just tell the child "that's stupid, there are no monsters under your bed".  You have to say "oh gosh, let's check under the bed and make sure!" and then look under the bed with the child to show that there are no monsters.

The thing is, this gets exhausting.  My husband is not a child.  I'm so tired of having to handle him with kid gloves over the slightest issue.

I did try to validate him by saying "yes, I really liked the tree. I guess I could have called the HOA management company to figure out what was going on and why they were taking down the tree and ask if they could postpone. I'm sorry I didn't do that."  He was unsatisfied.  It seems like if he is unhappy, there is literally nothing I can do to satisfy him.  I just have to let him run around like a puppy until he gets tired and passes out.  He finally did.  Then I tried to snuggle with him (because during this whole thing he was complaining that I don't care about him and I don't snuggle with him anymore).  He woke up and started telling me how my family hates immigrants.  What?  I told him not to talk about my family.  It was useless.  Finally he went to sleep. 

Basically it was a crap night.  I'm so tired of having crap nights.

[Daniell85]

oh sorry   I know how those days are, they can line right up and completely exhaust a person.