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Author Topic: feeling so sad  (Read 359 times)
little lady
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1


« on: October 03, 2015, 06:38:20 AM »

Hi I'm new here and got here by searching on 'partner ignoring me ' I'm sat on the bed whilst he is in next room asleep, he is ignoring me once again. My stomach feels so upset and i could cry with frustration. I don't even know what I've done (again) he seems so critical over small things. I was happy yesterday chatting away to him and i made tea and then i just made a comment about how lucky he was to have farms and land to walk on(part of his job)and space to be free. He snapped back"its not my land, you and i will never see eye to eye" i was blown away, i said "i don't understand what I've said" he replied "just go its poi tless talking to you".  I text him to apologise... .no reply, i text him again later to say i had made him a chicken dinner... .no reply, i just offered him a cup of tea and i got a frosty "no thanks!" To be honest I'm fed up with this, we haven't had sex for 3years and rarely go anywhere as he always seems to upset me with a bad tempered comment or he gets angry with another driver, i get so uptight i could cry. I just want to feel happy and relaxed when out not anticipating a mood coming. I'm 46 he's 56. I'm financially dependent although i don't have children i do have dogs . I feel so trapped!
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

pineapple78

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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 35


« Reply #1 on: October 03, 2015, 07:37:16 AM »

Im sorry to hear about the way you feel. I am there myself right now and Im getting the silent treatment at the moment along with blame and threats to leave. I understand the sick feeling in the stomach and the isolation and loneliness. Ive realised I have become a little co-dependent because my life revolves around my partner and their emotional needs. Subconsciously this has happened because it makes life easier with a BPD, but ultimately it means I am suffering as a result and have divorced myself from life itself. Sounds to me as though you are living your life by your partners needs also and are quite co-dependant. I dont have many answers but sounds like you need to look after yourself. I'm not sure about the best steps to take as I have been living this way myself for so long. So Im going to be talking about it with my psychologist in a couple of days.

Have you got someone you can see to help you talk about your own struggles and about looking after yourself? I have found seeing a psychologist very helpful, though it sometimes takes some shopping around to find the right supportive person.

In the meantime I am trying to keep myself busy doing what needs doing and not thinking about it too much. If you need info I have found this site a great resource, especially the lessons found on the sites right hand margin.
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babyducks
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2920



« Reply #2 on: October 04, 2015, 04:31:08 PM »

welcome littlelady

The situation you described is upsetting.   

BPD: What is it? How can I tell?

People who suffer the traits of Borderline Personality Disorder usually have a lot of turmoil in their closest relationships.   It's a complicated disorder with maladaptive coping traits, including silent treatment.   It's very difficult to be in close proximity to a mental illness and not be effected by it.

Here we support and encourage each other as we all walk through the process of making our lives and our relationships the best they can be... .however that looks to each individual.

as pineapple78 mentioned one of the best places to start is the lessons which is that box that runs down the right hand side of the screen.  all of those links have very helpful information attached.

do you have anyone to support you currently?  family?  friends?   

keep posting... .  we look forward to hearing more from you

'ducks





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What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
OceansAway

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 11


« Reply #3 on: October 05, 2015, 05:43:59 PM »

Welcome, and I hope this place makes you feel a bit comforted.

I completely empathise with the feelings you described. I'm currently getting the silent treatment, mixed with obscenities when I ask questions. Loving someone with BPD can be exhausting, frustrating and take so much from you. Hopefully there are moments that make things better for you. Recognising what I was seeing helped me to be more understanding, but when I stopped internalising the criticism I also started to resent that I'd let it take over my own view of myself and nearly kill me.

It has helped my relationship to read the lessons, and when it gets to be too much, I come here. Hope that helps.
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waverider
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #4 on: October 06, 2015, 03:47:42 AM »

 

One of the traits that people with personality disorders have, not just  BPD, is dysfunctional communication skills. more often than not they react to triggers but the real anger is about some other issue, or collection or issues, whether they be real or imagined.

Those around attempt to respond to the issue raised, it all then dissolves into a series of counter reactions to the reaction and further counter reaction to that, and so on. The whole thing goes completely of topic and neither knows what the conflict is about. People with BPD then get into stubborn black and white win/lose thinking mode, and away from problem solving.

To this end as partners we have to learn to listen to feelings rather than the words, or individual issues. We also need to stiffen up our boundaries so we are not overly disrespected. This not done by controlling them but reducing our exposure to it.

There is a lot to learn here, but it will take some time, and a lot of hard work. Neither wil it be conflict free.

Waverider
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