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Author Topic: Moving Forward  (Read 378 times)
townhouse
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« on: October 03, 2015, 06:44:26 AM »

Terrible  terrible 3 weeks. First the DV, then having to leave home, then a series of   

alternating scenarios  presented to me everyday by both text and email. One day he is going to try to get more money than I am willing to give... .I am being very generous which he admits in his better moments. The next day he loves me and when am I coming home. Then switch again. I finally spoke to him on the phone and asked him why he was doing this to me. I was so sad and defeated which must have been heard in my voice.

He came up with another set of "options". These sounded a bit better. Maybe rent out our home for a year etc... He asked could I come to the house to discuss our options. He mentioned that he hadn't had a drop to drink since the night of the DV. and that how sorry he was and that I would be safe.

I visited and have been here 2 nights. We have had sex but are sleeping in separate rooms which I like.

We are actually talking and hearing each other for the first time in a couple of years.

He is still on and on about the builder and how he has spoiled the enjoyment of the house for him. We are discussing maybe selling our house... .he gets money and buys his own house to which I will be welcome to visit. He wants a long distance relationship and is adamant that there be no others in it for either of us. We are also discussing keeping the house and doing the above. Whatever happens he believes as do I, that we can't continually be together and must have breaks. He is the Hermit and I know I am not strong enough to maintain my sense of self when I am with him and his overwhelming personality, all of the time.

Having been apart for 3 weeks I feel rejuvenated, more alive and though very sad about what has happened and wish he didn't have BPD and am appalled that he could hit me... .I am in a better space within myself primarily because I have had a break from him.

Does this all make sense?

I noted that one of the mods waverider said in another post

"It takes a crisis for most people to decide their path forward" and this resonated with me.
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formflier
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« Reply #1 on: October 03, 2015, 01:55:14 PM »

   

Glad to hear from you.  This sounds positive.

Quick reaction:   Lots of options on the table when both are under stress... .Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

Good advice is to slow things down.

What is he doing for treatment of DV/BPD?

Status of court case?

FF
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #2 on: October 03, 2015, 04:29:06 PM »

I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of this, townhouse.   

On the positive side, it sounds like you're very clearheaded and aware of what you're dealing with. I know the feeling of wishing my spouse didn't have BPD, but acknowledging the reality that he does presents opportunities for my personal growth. Oh joy!

Before you make any big decisions, wait and watch and see how things are going.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
babyducks
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« Reply #3 on: October 04, 2015, 04:16:00 PM »

I noted that one of the mods waverider said in another post

"It takes a crisis for most people to decide their path forward" and this resonated with me.

Hi townhouse,

what do you think the next best step for you would look like?

'ducks
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What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
townhouse
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« Reply #4 on: October 05, 2015, 01:42:58 AM »






Thanks for your replies fellow family members.

Cat, FF, I guess your over riding message is ... .take it slow. We have slowed it down but we are getting a real estate agent in to give us some ideas on renting out the house etc.

FF you mentioned the court case. That is going to be a big hurdle to get through with the anxiety involved. No date set yet.

BabyDucks. The next best step for me. That's the trouble isn't it! Thinking of oneself after years of considering the other persons needs before ones own.

I suppose my ultimate desire would be for him to continue to live in the house as before but with me taking longer breaks in the city away from him to keep my own sense of self.

But somehow he feels that where we live now has been spoilt by the "builder". That's the way he feels so no logic is going to change that. We've moved so many times with each place hoping to  solve whatever the previous problem was.

13 years is hard to throw away particularly at our age. I believe the DV was a brain snap brought on by excessive alcohol and extreme obsessional stress due to the building project.

I know I want us to continue to be part of each other's lives.
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babyducks
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« Reply #5 on: October 05, 2015, 04:52:48 AM »

hi townhouse,

for me, in my situation finding a way to be with my partner and not be at the mercy of the emotional upheavals and the physical drama took a lot of thought and a lot of energy.   energy in the way of boundary enforcement.

when I came into this relationship I didn't come with a lot of self esteem.  that's probably what made it so attractive to me in the beginning, the over the top validation I originally got from my partner was like crack cocaine, I couldn't get enough.

some of the work I had to do on myself was around self validation and self care.  and it was surprisingly difficult.  I had to do it in baby steps.  no pun intended.   micro steps of not just saying it's okay for me to do XYZ but I can survive your reaction to XYZ.

I suppose my ultimate desire would be for him to continue to live in the house as before but with me taking longer breaks in the city away from him to keep my own sense of self.

Regardless of what he does with the house, is it possible for you to establish a pattern of time in the city?   Could you start to work toward that now, however that would look for you?  Could you keep a second place that is yours alone?   

you have some tough stuff coming up,   have a safe quiet comfortable space would likely be good for you.

'ducks

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What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
townhouse
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« Reply #6 on: October 05, 2015, 02:31:53 PM »



I do have a small place in the city, hence my posting name "townhouse" and it is to there that I go to sooth and revive for the next onslaught.

It is peaceful there and I breath easy away from the madness ... .but then I do miss him.

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formflier
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« Reply #7 on: October 05, 2015, 02:57:21 PM »

It is peaceful there and I breath easy away from the madness ... .but then I do miss him.

Does this pattern work for you?

FF
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