between a rock and a hard place

[Depression = 72% of members]

The short version... .My uBPDh had a stroke 10/25/14 and his recovery is extremely slow.  The doctor gave him heck about smoking and he finally agreed to quit with the help of Wellbutrin.  He had 3 packs of cigarettes left and said I should take 2 of them but he wanted to keep one pack "just in case."  He insisted I quit smoking too, so I was doing my best.  About 3 weeks into the "quitting" I'd had a miserable day because he had put yet another ridiculous demand on me and I really wanted a smoke.  It was late and I was tired so I took the pack he had left and smoked a couple.  I figured I'd just replace the pack in the morning and I retreated to my studio to sleep.  HUGE mistake!  For whatever reason, he went to look for that pack of cigarettes and when he saw it was missing, he pitched a fit like a 3 year old... .and then the raging began.  He started off with crushing the rest of the pack of cigarettes and screaming at me like a lunatic.  I really wasn't in the mood for it and went back upstairs to bed.  He lost it after that and began taking all of my belongings out of our bedroom and throwing it all on the living room floor.  This went on through the wee hours of the morning.  He told me (again) that I'd have to pay for all of my own expenses (knowing full well that I don't have a job and have been taking care of him for the past year) and that I had to live upstairs.  He threatened to call the cops to have me taken out of HIS house.  I told him to go ahead and call the cops.  I was so pissed.  At 6am I went to the store and got him another pack of cigarettes, but that wasn't good enough... .it had to be the pack HE bought.  The packaging was slightly different, blah blah blah.

I couldn't take it... .I called the Sheriff's office to find out what I could do.  He told me to come in and fill out a complaint and I could get an Emergency Order of Custody.  This would mean they would pick him up and bring him to a mental health facility for evaluation.  They would hold him up to 8 hrs and then either release him or hold him for up to 72 hrs.  Whenever he was released he'd have to go before a judge to see what further treatment was needed.  I knew he'd flip out if I did this.  The Magistrate said I could try to get him into therapy voluntarily and if the situation escalated, I could go back for the EOC.

The next day he had a doctor's appointment and he went out to his car to see if he could drive it and couldn't.  Then he tried his truck and couldn't drive it either (he couldn't even get into it) Then he starts trying to put gas into the riding lawn mower (spilled half of it on the ground) and told me he was going to drive his mower to the doctor's office.  UGH!  I eventually calmed him down and took him to the doc.  He cried almost the entire time we were there and I told his doctor that he seriously needed anti-depressants and to talk to a therapist.  The doc agreed and gave him Rx and got him an appt for therapy, but it isn't for 2 weeks.  Meanwhile... .I'm on edge.

I woke up this morning very disoriented.  I didn't know where I was and felt as though I was someone else.  It took a couple of hours before the feeling subsided and I'm on the verge of tears.  Even when I was helping him do his exercises this morning, his thoughts were that I shouldn't have touched his pack of cigarettes... .and yes, he did say that.

[Rockylove]

The short version... .My uBPDh had a stroke 10/25/14 and his recovery is extremely slow.  The doctor gave him heck about smoking and he finally agreed to quit with the help of Wellbutrin.  He had 3 packs of cigarettes left and said I should take 2 of them but he wanted to keep one pack "just in case."  He insisted I quit smoking too, so I was doing my best.  About 3 weeks into the "quitting" I'd had a miserable day because he had put yet another ridiculous demand on me and I really wanted a smoke.  It was late and I was tired so I took the pack he had left and smoked a couple.  I figured I'd just replace the pack in the morning and I retreated to my studio to sleep.  HUGE mistake!  For whatever reason, he went to look for that pack of cigarettes and when he saw it was missing, he pitched a fit like a 3 year old... .and then the raging began.  He started off with crushing the rest of the pack of cigarettes and screaming at me like a lunatic.  I really wasn't in the mood for it and went back upstairs to bed.  He lost it after that and began taking all of my belongings out of our bedroom and throwing it all on the living room floor.  This went on through the wee hours of the morning.  He told me (again) that I'd have to pay for all of my own expenses (knowing full well that I don't have a job and have been taking care of him for the past year) and that I had to live upstairs.  He threatened to call the cops to have me taken out of HIS house.  I told him to go ahead and call the cops.  I was so pissed.  At 6am I went to the store and got him another pack of cigarettes, but that wasn't good enough... .it had to be the pack HE bought.  The packaging was slightly different, blah blah blah.

I couldn't take it... .I called the Sheriff's office to find out what I could do.  He told me to come in and fill out a complaint and I could get an Emergency Order of Custody.  This would mean they would pick him up and bring him to a mental health facility for evaluation.  They would hold him up to 8 hrs and then either release him or hold him for up to 72 hrs.  Whenever he was released he'd have to go before a judge to see what further treatment was needed.  I knew he'd flip out if I did this.  The Magistrate said I could try to get him into therapy voluntarily and if the situation escalated, I could go back for the EOC.

The next day he had a doctor's appointment and he went out to his car to see if he could drive it and couldn't.  Then he tried his truck and couldn't drive it either (he couldn't even get into it) Then he starts trying to put gas into the riding lawn mower (spilled half of it on the ground) and told me he was going to drive his mower to the doctor's office.  UGH!  I eventually calmed him down and took him to the doc.  He cried almost the entire time we were there and I told his doctor that he seriously needed anti-depressants and to talk to a therapist.  The doc agreed and gave him Rx and got him an appt for therapy, but it isn't for 2 weeks.  Meanwhile... .I'm on edge.

I woke up this morning very disoriented.  I didn't know where I was and felt as though I was someone else.  It took a couple of hours before the feeling subsided and I'm on the verge of tears.  Even when I was helping him do his exercises this morning, his thoughts were that I shouldn't have touched his pack of cigarettes... .and yes, he did say that.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

WOW!  Sorry... .that was the short version, but it was long anyway.  :'(

[Daniell85]

What a rough time for you   I am so sorry you are going through this. Sometimes I think we only realize how close to our limits we are when there is some hope for a bit of relief in sight.

Caregiving on top of his BPD... .it's a recipe for total burnout on all levels.

Is there someone who can come in and help pace you a bit? Any way for you to get out and do something for yourself to help build you back up a little?

[Rockylove]

Is there someone who can come in and help pace you a bit? Any way for you to get out and do something for yourself to help build you back up a little?

A friend of my husband (and now mine, too) has come to live with us and has been very helpful on many levels, but when it comes to the rages, our friend hides in his bedroom.  He won't get involved.  I can't blame him... .it's not pretty.

[Cat Familiar]

I know you're in for the long haul and I commend you. 

It's awfully hard to be a caretaker and especially with a pwBPD. I took care of my mother as her dementia increased. Her doctor prescribed an antidepressant, which helped with a lot of the BPD issues.

He desperately needs your help and you have some leverage there as far as the rages. Only you know what you'd be risking by having him taken away for an evaluation. However, that could be a motivator for him not to continue to rage at you in the future.

My mother was hospitalized for heart issues and she kept pulling off the heart monitor and trying to dress and leave the hospital. She was very angry and abusive to the nurses until one of them appeared with restraints and threatened to use them. Then she became meek like a little mouse.

The nurse sort of apologized to me when I showed up to visit and I laughed and told her that was a great decision.

[Rockylove]

I suppose the thing that really keeps me up at night is the uncertainty.  There is always an element of surprise in life, no matter how well planned, but with him I am never sure if I'll have access to my home when I return from the grocery store.