I figured out why validation doesn't work for me

[LilMe]

uBPDh told the children that you repeat what people say back to them to show them how stupid it sounds. I understand now why I haven't been very successful at validating! Anyone else run into validation problems?

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[Daniell85]

wow. so he probably has been sitting there thinking you are mimicking him or being disrespectful. Ouch 

My boyfriend LOVES being validated. He wants his feelings and actions normalized... you know anyone could feel that way, or I would feel that way, I can see why you would feel upset enough to do that... .

The validation problems we have is that if there has been a conflict, he has to calm down for a couple of days before he is willing to hear the validation. He really needs that time.

[mimi99]

I have been trying to validate my DD and it seems to help. Instead of paraphrasing her statements, I just say things like "I can see that must be difficult for you" or "If I were you I would be angry, too" She has actually thanked me recently for acknowledging her feelings. It doesn't stop her twisted thinking, but at least she doesn't feel attacked most of the time anymore.

[flourdust]

I have been trying validation, and I'm just not good at it. Or it's not right for our situation. I can't figure out which. 

It seems like it's more effective if I'm validating her when she's complaining about things that are, well, not me. Her job, her father, our daughter, her computer, the class she is teaching. I can sometimes do OK with validating ... .at least, she doesn't get any more upset. Sometimes, though, it seems like she's just waiting for me to say something that isn't perfectly supportive or to make some facial expression or move my hands in a way that she can pounce on, and then the problem DOES become me.

But most of the time, what is setting her off is me -- I'm saying the wrong thing, I'm not saying the right thing, and past-me has done a laundry list of terrible things that I have not been absolved for. I've tried to validate in those situations, and it never works. So I usually end up leaving the room, which leaves her angry and adds another tick mark to my laundry list of terrible things. It's a never-ending cycle, and I don't know how to get out of it.

Well, I suppose I could do what I used to do and just beg forgiveness and admit to all kinds of faults and promise to do better in the future. But I'm a terrible actor, and that no longer convinces either of us. And... .I don't WANT to do that. I've started recapturing some of my dignity, and I like it. I don't want to apologize for her blowups. I don't know if there's another way out, though.