Welcome to BPD family.
It sounds like you have really been pulled through the wringer. I am so sorry you went through all of that, how exhausting and disheartening it sounds.
I remember when I first came here, I was so upset, confused... baffled, angry, in a state of panic. It really helped to read the introductory links ( at the top of this page) and to read through the lessons on the right side of this page.
Sometimes understanding what has been happening can bring a sense of relief. So many people here understand how it is, and a collective wisdom is right here for you to tap into.
This is the staying board. The other boards are the leaving and the undecided board. You will find people all over who can help support you and answer questions you might have.
Just ask