Advice needed about continuing caring for uBPD Mom and nBPD Dad

[todayistheday]

I've posted a lot this week because of Mom's surgery. (Knee replacement)

She had a less drastic knee surgery last April and did not follow orders.  She acted like my Dad and sister who live nearby wouldn't do anything for her.  She told Dad that nobody cared about her except for (todayistheday).

I grew up scapegoat child.  Enmeshed sister is golden child, but now is not as golden.  More silver or bronze? 

I have been here since Sept 28. She needs more help this time.  She's not been up the stairs to her bedroom yet.  I was pretty much planning on staying until she could fix food for herself.  And now, until she can get up and down her stairs.

My sister, who lives next door, has been here less than three hours since we got home.  She did hang out at the hospital the day of her surgery.  She visited in the hospital two days later.

The excuse is that she's busy with her work and kids.  (She is an elementary school teacher.)

Here's where the advice needed comes in:

My DH wants  me to come home over the weekend.  He says it's my sister's turn to do something.

I've been getting Mom in and out of bed, making sure she gets the right pills at the right times, trying to make her eat and do her therapy, etc.  Pretty much a full-time thing.  Dad's been having to do things too.  Whenever she moves around, it takes both of us to get her settled back in.

My friend even told me that I don't need to come at all because Dad had the chance to get out of the relationship 35 years ago but chose not to, so he made his own bed.  I don't know why he backed out of divorcing her.  But now he's 80 and he's stuck with being raged upon all the time.

My sister has always been pretty useless.  When I left last time, it was Good Friday.  She said she could help when I left because she had that day off and the next week was Spring break.  According to Dad, she was here more when I was here than after I left.  All that she did was call me and tell me what was going on between Mom and Dad and about how miserable Dad is because of her.

I am not here for Mom, I am here for Dad.  My childhood was horrible and now she treats my sweet Dad badly.  It's been very stressful being here and having her yell at my Dad all the time.

So do I listen to DH and go home for a couple days?  If I did what I WANT, I would not have come to begin with.  I know this is a form of FOG.  More the Obligation part.  The Fear in proxy for may dad.  No Guilt at all.  If he wasn't her life, I don't believe that I would be in it either.

My head is telling me to stay until she gets better. Today she has some new symptoms - confusion (not related to pain pill, she wasn't on it at the time) and a cough.  Someone from Home Health will be here tomorrow, so I will discuss the symptoms with her.

There are no kids at my home, only DH.  I didn't have any for fear of becoming the same kind of Mother that I had and I didn't want to be responsible for anyone's family.  I was too old to have kids when I learned about BPD.

Being in the middle of the situation, I admit that my head is not as clear and I would like some opinions of "should I stay or should I go" from more objective people and from anyone who has been in my shoes before.  Again, I am here to help my Dad.

[Turkish]

If your dad were twenty years younger, say, you could probably more easily leave him. 80 is no spring chicken though. However, your sister is his daughter too. Has he abdicated his fatherly influence and authority with her? I'm betting yes, based upon what you've said here and previously.

It's good to honor and take care of our parents, but what's your primary relationship here? Your marriage. Though DH sounds supportive, he's sending you a signal here.

Meet with the HH people. Give them your sister's contact info if they don't already have it. You don't have to explain anything to them other than you have to go home. Throw the ball into other people's courts. The professionals are aware. You aren't abandoning her. Maybe some accountability is in order: your sister, and yes, even your dad.

[Sarah girl]

Maybe this will help put things into perspective. I have an older brother who is my mom's idealized child. He's single and very very financially well-off. He also has a very flexible schedule because he's the big boss where he works.

Ok, so when my kids were very little (and I worked full-time), my mom was a mess. She was going through one of her many crises where she couldn't think straight and neglected ALL her responsibilities including looking after her own basic needs. She got sick a lot, ran out of money and was going from one huge altercation to another with everyone she interacted with. Who do you think she depended on when she needed someone to speak on her behalf, write complaint letters, pay her bills and listen to her unending rants? And when family came to visit or she decided to have people over (to show off), who do you think it was who helped my mom cook, shop, bake and entertain with two toddlers in tow and a very irritated husband? My brother was MIA during those years. There was even a period when he was unemployed and had ziltch to do. She still expected me to be the one to look after all her needs - and be her punching bag.

All this to say, I'm sure your sister is busy, but I think her hands-off approach has more to do with her fear or avoidance of conflict than anything else. I don't think it would be the end of the world for either one of your parents if you went home for the weekend. It might be a good thing for everyone - especially you.

[todayistheday]

Maybe this will help put things into perspective. I have an older brother who is my mom's idealized child. He's single and very very financially well-off. He also has a very flexible schedule because he's the big boss where he works.

Ok, so when my kids were very little (and I worked full-time), my mom was a mess. She was going through one of her many crises where she couldn't think straight and neglected ALL her responsibilities including looking after her own basic needs. She got sick a lot, ran out of money and was going from one huge altercation to another with everyone she interacted with. Who do you think she depended on when she needed someone to speak on her behalf, write complaint letters, pay her bills and listen to her unending rants? And when family came to visit or she decided to have people over (to show off), who do you think it was who helped my mom cook, shop, bake and entertain with two toddlers in tow and a very irritated husband? My brother was MIA during those years. There was even a period when he was unemployed and had ziltch to do. She still expected me to be the one to look after all her needs - and be her punching bag.

All this to say, I'm sure your sister is busy, but I think her hands-off approach has more to do with her fear or avoidance of conflict than anything else. I don't think it would be the end of the world for either one of your parents if you went home for the weekend. It might be a good thing for everyone - especially you.

You are very correct about this situation.  Talked to my sister for about an hour tonight.

She was the golden child.  She is busy teaching school.  When I talked to her, she gave me her schedule of what weekends she can come over if needed, going into November.  She came over today for about an hour and just chatted.  Didn't even ask how things are going.

I got kind of mad on the inside when she said that her plans for the weekend were for painting in her house.  I have things I'd like to be doing at home myself! 

About my parents, my sister pointed out that they chose the relationship that they have and not to do anything about it.

When my sister moved to the house next door, she said "I'm going to have to take care of them when they get old."  Of course, I laughed at that one when it happened because I knew exactly what would happen.

[todayistheday]

DH was wanting me home this weekend because he thinks sister should take a turn and I need the rest.

I'm either going home Sunday, Monday, or Wednesday.  (Not Tuesday).  This will be "for good", only to come back if needed.

My manager is making me jump through hoops to get the time off that i am entitled to.  I don't know if I'll be able to take next week off or not.  If I cannot, I'll leave Sunday, barring any disaster.  Wonder if uBPD Mom will create one to keep me here?  She keeps telling me I can go home, but then there's a step backward.

I'm really expecting to leave Monday.  Mom has a MD appointment on Monday and I'd like to make sure we get her in the car and the Dr office and back into the house ok.