My recent medical situations and my BPDw's reactions

[Samuel S.]

Within the last several weeks, I have been taken to the ER by ambulance by the doctor's request due to chest pains and an abnormal heartbeat which is slow. After being tested, all the tests turned out to be normal, although the doctor said he couldn't explain my symptoms. He recommended that I return to him, if the symptoms would continue.

After 4 days, the symptoms actually worsened. So, I needed to return to the ER where I spent the night. All the tests again turned out to be normal, but again, the ER doctor could not explain my symptoms. He then asked me to go to my primary doctor in the event the symptoms would not change. So, that's exactly what I did, and my primary doctor has referred me to a cardiologist with whom I have an appointment next week.

As you know, medical situations like this can be costly. We all realize that, but like a friend of mine said, health is wealth. Also, since my wife works, her insurance policy covers about a third of the entire cost. She pays out of her paycheck each week. The other two thirds come from my two insurance policies, and my previous employer pays for my two thirds. Thus, everything is covered completely.

Given all of the above, my BPDw returned from her typical 3 days of studying out of town to open up her mail. She found some benefit claims that had been paid due to my recent medical situations. She became livid, saying that we would have to be paying, that my retirement is going to be cut, etc. I thanked her for her share to pay for me. I then reminded her about my two insurance policies that will cover the rest of the costs. I also told her that I have been extremely concerned about my own health and that I did not want to go to the ER, but I was ordered to do so for the sake of my health, for the sake of my life.

During this entire conversation, she not once looked at me. She not once asked me how I was feeling. She not once asked me how my day was. I asked her about her day, but that was given a short answer so that she could continue being mad.

Considering how she and her previous husband tried to save their daughter's life but weren't able to do so even with all of the hospital expenses involved, I found her remarks a bit repulsive. My T said that her comments are inexcusable.

Today, she is pleasant, but not wanting to know how I am feeling at all. Again, if it is not about her, it does not exist. Nevertheless, I always ask about her and her day.

With all of the above, I am extremely hurt - again. She won't listen to reason, but that seems to be the standard for a BPD. She hasn't been diagnosed with BPD officially, nor would she ever want to be, because she has high esteem for a "medium counselor" and will never even consider marriage counseling.

I truly am at a loss about my BPDw. There are parts of her that are worth loving and being respected; nevertheless, due to this recent reaction of her and her lack of respect of me, it is definitely going to be hard for me to say I love her.

[Samuel S.]

Just tonight, my BPDw tried to instill fear into me. She said that her company may pay for health insurance, if they continue working even if they are of retirement age. She said under such circumstances, she would have to continue working so long as she is married to me. I felt like saying: "Well, if your second career is so important that you want to pursue that full-time, then, divorce me.", but I didn't say that. I did say that this is all speculation, and nothing has been settled as of yet. Then, she said that her insurance company is paying for a lot of my medical bills. I reminded her that I appreciate the fact that she has coverage for me, but I reminded her that I too have two insurance policies, one of which is Medicare and the other which I pay for each month. As for the costs that her insurance has paid for my health, I told her way back when and tonight, that I have no control over that. I told her I would prefer that my insurance policies would take care of the costs for me, but that is not how it works. Then, she said due to me having health issues, being older, and having to take medications, that my kidneys are going to go bad. I reminded her that even my kidney doctor several visits ago said that my kidneys have improved and that even she commended me for what I have been doing.

With all of the above taking place, I had to defend myself from her instilling fear into me. With all of the above taking place, there is not one mention about how I was feeling. I was defending myself, and she most definitely was and is only interested in money, not lives.

[OnceConfused]

1. She brought up the insurance issues so as to show how she was important to you and perhaps you need her more than she needs you.

2. you are right about medicare being secondary insurance if you have other insurance coverage.

3. Interestingly and similarly, my xBPDgf told me that she knew I was very sick and she would have to take care of me , (what the heck), and so I would have to leave all my assets to her, including the 401k from my late wife.  I knew right then what kind of person she was -- selfish and greedy

[maxen]

hi Samuel. i'm really sorry for your experiences, especially as i have been through similar. i don't know your w and can't say for sure, but illness to a pwBPD may feel like abandonment: attention is being drawn to somebody else, a sense of obligation to another may arise and this is intolerable. in your w's case, this is expressed through talk bout the insurance policy, and her lack of expression for your health. my exw too was like this. after she bolted she yelled that she had been angry at my depression all along, although i told her ahead of time everything about my health. "it hurts me too, you know!" the fact that i'd tolerated her manic episodes with no comment was never acknowledged. she was also sometimes openly insulting about my sinus issues.

how are you going to proceed?

[Samuel S.]

Thank you for your replies!

OnceConfused, yes, she brought up the insurance issues to say how important she has been, and I have always expressed my appreciation. What she always conveniently omits is the fact that everything except for $300 each month of my retirement check goes to our mortgate, her disability insurance, her mother's long term care, and other bills. So, while she thinks she carries all the financial burden, that is not quitely the case.

OnceConfused, your comments about your xBPDgf saying you would be sick is just warped, and my BPDw does the same thing. She told me last night that she is projecting that this will be the case with me. I immediately reminded her that I exercise, that I eat well, and that I do things that keep me mentally alert and healthy. I also mentioned that she commended me on the fact that my health has improved as verified by my kidney doctor.

OnceConfused, indeed, BPDs are selfish and greedy.

Maxen, again, my BPDw is selfish and greedy and wants to have all the attention brought to herself. She does not want abandonment due to needing to feel superior.

Maxen, as for how to proceed, I am more and more looking into at least separation, if not divorce.

[OnceConfused]

why do you have to pay for her mother's long term care insurance ?

Have you ever tried to return the SILENT TREATMENT to BPD?

Try this, when she is saying something negative, you don't respond at all. Who ever blinks loses. You just say nothing at all, not even acknowledging what she just said.

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw has so many expenses of her own that way back when, seeing that I do not require a lot of money of my own, I chose to pay for her mother's long term care insurance. Also, nobody else in her family can pay, nor can their mother pay. She is 78 or thereabouts, and she has no income.

As for the silent treatment, indeed, most of the time, I do use the silent treatment. Yet, when she continuously makes negative remarks which I try to ignore, it builds up. I do not shout at her, because that is not in my nature. I understand and empathize her past and present situation and realize that she blurts her toxicity whenever she wishes. Yeah, that's abuse. So, I rarely talk back at her, thus giving her the silent treatment. It is when she has said so many toxic things, that I rationally and tactfully talk with her. I am never abusive, because I do not stoop to doing that.

[OnceConfused]

sam:

If a person is indigent, or having little income and assets, for long term care needs they can get it through MEDICAID.  It sounds like her mother fits that description.  Long term care insurance is for people who have money and don't want to lose all. Call and check with your local medicaid long term care facilities in your area.

Silent treatment does not mean you simply do not respond at that particular moment. It means you will not talk to the other person for a while. By that you let them know you are angry.