teaching a teenager to withstand emotional blackmail

[mother in law]

My gd is nearly a teenager and as she grows and matures and wants to do things with her friends,  her BPD mother (ex dil ) is using what I would call emotional blackmail on her to try to stop her. I did explain emotional blackmail to gd but was at a loss to explain how to stand up against this. Any advice? ?

[livednlearned]

There is a book about emotional blackmail (by Susan Forward) that might have some good ideas in it. You might want to first order the book for yourself and see if it's appropriate.

My son's BPD father is no longer in his life, but when he was, I was always very nervous about direct tactics like giving S14 books to read about anything related to BPD behavior -- if he became too empowered, I worried it would endanger him. If he mentioned the book, I worried that N/BPD would crank up alienation tactics. A lot of kids with BPD parents are rightfully intimidated, and having lived with someone suffering with BPD, I can attest that setting boundaries can feel downright terrifying. I did not expect S14 to be able to stand up to his dad, but I did want him to be aware so he had some skills when it came to bullies at school or elsewhere in his life.

[Terle]

My gd is nearly a teenager and as she grows and matures and wants to do things with her friends,  her BPD mother (ex dil ) is using what I would call emotional blackmail on her to try to stop her. I did explain emotional blackmail to gd but was at a loss to explain how to stand up against this. Any advice? ?

My uBPD mother has spent over a decade trying to guilt me into staying a child forever and not doing stuff with friends. Actually just doin anything other than staying home and being christian she would try and stop. (im atheist, even so she tried to force me to be christian)

I wish my dad would have tried to talk to me or give me a book on BPD, but he was afraid of conflict and my mum so he retreeted. We have a good relationship but he didnt save me from her. I sort of wish he tried.

So its good that you wanna try. I would recommend a book, I ahve only myself read "stop walking on eggshells" and it was alright.

[Turkish]

Hi Terle,

Can you give an example of what she is doing to your gd? Based upon your second post, I'm suspecting Hermit bahaviors. The Hermit's dominant emotional state is fear. Does this sound familiar?

[Terle]

"to my gd"? Not sure what that is. But what my mom did to me and my littlebro is that she would try and control us and not let us grow up, make our own choices fx in regards to alcohol and partying. and sex.

when my brother was 23 she asked once when i was visiting (yes he was still living there at home w her :-/) and at dinner if she should carve up his meat! LIKE HE WAS A TODDLER!

It grossed me out and i shouted out to stop it.

Just a ton of this all through our upbringing, but mostly focus on not letting us chose and do as we please.

[Terle]

Hi Terle,

Can you give an example of what she is doing to your gd? Based upon your second post, I'm suspecting Hermit bahaviors. The Hermit's dominant emotional state is fear. Does this sound familiar?

And yes she always seems afraid or lonely

[ForeverDad]

It is important that your granddaughter learns how to observe, evaluate, ponder and form her own solid conclusions based on facts and not solely emotions.  Her mother is surely using emotional 'logic' to twist the facts and reality to fit her own perceptions and neediness.  She would prefer her daughter be swayed by her guilting, obligations, etc.

On the other hand, you can help her to learn how to step outside the immediate situation and from the outside look in. That is a positive and practical perspective, though very hard to accomplish.  One way is to help her step into some else's shoes, perhaps a friend.  You could say, "If your friend Suzy had this dilemma blah-blah-blah, what suggestions or advice would you give her?"  That is what Objectivity is all about.  Stepping Outside the situation and Looking In.  In that way you're training her to make good decisions for herself, invaluable skills for the rest of her life.  In time, despite her mother's sabotaging methods, she can learn not just to fish, but HOW to fish.

Besides teaching her how to make better judgments - and stand by them - you can also help by Validating her own observations to the extent possible.  Correcting her a lot can discourage a youth (really anyone!) and so when she does see things in a better perspective, be sure to be very approving, confirming and supportive.  As the saying goes, "You attract more flies with honey than you do with vinegar."