Holidays and Invites

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi All.

I am curious if anyone has some tips on how to hand the holidays (birthdays too) and invites.

When the adult son is invited, 75% of the time he lashes back through text and makes terrible comments about extended family, g parents ect. and after a couple of rounds it digresses even worse (disregulated) and I just completely disengage.

It makes me want to JADE as what he is saying is not true and I do not want to validate any part of it because it is not true. 

The other 25% of the time he is OK.

He only wants to show up at Christmas for presents and is a perfect angel and the other guests have no idea the horrible things he has said through text.

When the adult daughter is invited it has been 50/50 on attending, always sweet on the phone and text and is also a perfect angel in person.  And the other guests have no idea what she has posted on facebook about them (smear campaign).  Nor do they know she is living a double life (don't want to address that right now).

The adult son is emeshed and still living with his unasp/np and most likely will never move out. 

The adult daughter is becoming re-emeshed and recently moved in with both of them (although spends 95% of the time at her boyfriends) because her mother spends money recklessly and can't afford rent (ie mom goes on weekend trips out of town instead of paying rent).  And since the adult daughter has moved back in to help pay the rent she is escalating negative behaviours towards me, extended family, friends, ect...

Because Thanksgiving is next month, I was wondering if anyone has any ideas on what to do?  How to respond?  How to invite?  Should they be invited to someone's house (inc gparents) when they have both privately and publicly bashed them but they do not know? 

I am not looking forward to inviting them (due to nasty texts back), don't want to share anything personally (due to amplifying with a smear campaign), walking on egg shells in case son or daughter acts up in person but do want a relationship.  Part of me also wishes for a 1 year moratorium of visits (taking a break) so everything settles down... .but then wouldn't be a good parent.  It's a double bind. 

The ex will never stop the alienation.  It has been many years since the divorce was over and it continues.

Thank you in advance.

We are not on facebook and only find out the most extreme posts because they filter down the line and someone reaches out to us.

[Blistex]

Hi All.

I am curious if anyone has some tips on how to hand the holidays (birthdays too) and invites.

When the adult son is invited, 75% of the time he lashes back through text and makes terrible comments about extended family, g parents ect. and after a couple of rounds it digresses even worse (disregulated) and I just completely disengage.

It makes me want to JADE as what he is saying is not true and I do not want to validate any part of it because it is not true. 

The other 25% of the time he is OK.

He only wants to show up at Christmas for presents and is a perfect angel and the other guests have no idea the horrible things he has said through text.

When the adult daughter is invited it has been 50/50 on attending, always sweet on the phone and text and is also a perfect angel in person.  And the other guests have no idea what she has posted on facebook about them (smear campaign).  Nor do they know she is living a double life (don't want to address that right now).

The adult son is emeshed and still living with his unasp/np and most likely will never move out. 

The adult daughter is becoming re-emeshed and recently moved in with both of them (although spends 95% of the time at her boyfriends) because her mother spends money recklessly and can't afford rent (ie mom goes on weekend trips out of town instead of paying rent).  And since the adult daughter has moved back in to help pay the rent she is escalating negative behaviours towards me, extended family, friends, ect...

Because Thanksgiving is next month, I was wondering if anyone has any ideas on what to do?  How to respond?  How to invite?  Should they be invited to someone's house (inc gparents) when they have both privately and publicly bashed them but they do not know? 

I am not looking forward to inviting them (due to nasty texts back), don't want to share anything personally (due to amplifying with a smear campaign), walking on egg shells in case son or daughter acts up in person but do want a relationship.  Part of me also wishes for a 1 year moratorium of visits (taking a break) so everything settles down... .but then wouldn't be a good parent.  It's a double bind. 

The ex will never stop the alienation.  It has been many years since the divorce was over and it continues.

Thank you in advance.

We are not on facebook and only find out the most extreme posts because they filter down the line and someone reaches out to us.

[DreamGirl]

Do you want them there?

Is it all or nothing? If you invite one, do you invite all?

[Blistex]

Generally it is held at the grandparents house and yes everyone is invited to their house.

We each invite our own kids (sister invites her's for example).  The problem(s) start just with the inviting.

And yes depending on schedules, 1 can attend while the other has other plans.  The entire family has also altered Christmas Day for example that could accommodate most people.

After the inviting problems, then comes the smear campaign and third party triangulation after the event problems.

It's always problems.  I actually look forward to July-Sept as no one has a bday in those months, no major holidays and it's a wonderful break.

October starts with a birthday and for example the adult daughter will smear campaign on facebook then the next day invite that person to a birthday dinner. 

[Blistex]

Here is the current situation:

unaspd/np ex has been trying to alienate the entire family extended family as well.

Ex used the grandparents address to secure a loan for a vehicle which emeshed adult co-sign signed for (all without permission and ex has not talked to my grandparents for about 4 years).

So completely out of the blue they start receving ex's auto mail.  They contact me and say they don't want to receive her mail so I return it all to sender.

Emeshed son calls and is outraged that her mail was returned without a phone call and then his mother starts screaming on the phone.  And he states he purchased the car (he co-signed for it).

Everyone is no contact.

Recently re-emeshed daughter posts in October slanderous stories about all extended family and blaming grandparents who don't know this as not on facebook and we too are not on facebook.

And now the holidays are coming and everyone just sort of normalizes the bad behavior and says well they are controlled by their mother and excuse it.

I don't feel that they are there to really have a nice visit... .I feel it is to gain information to create and further spread a smear campaign.

This last one was completely created by ex with the sole purpose of alienation.  And its working.  And its not right.

[Turkish]

What they don't knowpw won't hurt them?

If the other relatives are unaware of the disordered FB smears, that's between them and the disordred people, though the two-facedness is understandably upsetting.

Even if the family's not aware of the social media stuff, they have a history. It's how they cope, by stuffing or denying. Can't change that. It's who they are. How do you protect you? What are you comfortable with?

[Blistex]

Thanks Turkish.

Yes, they do have that history.  And yes, it is between them in the end.  And yes, they deny/stuff because it is how they deal with the craziness that is unpd ex and how her fleas and/or disorder is showing up in the adult children.

What do I want?  haha!  Soo many things but there is wishing and there is what is called the pd reality.

Well, maybe because I am so recently upset but I am leaning on not attending so I don't have to witness it, walk on egg shells and to not provide any fodder for a future smear campaign and/or triangulation.  Turkey day is still many weeks away and perhaps my thoughts will change.  A lot can happen in 7 weeks.

Thanks again!