I need help with my situation

[mericose]

Hello, I am posting here in the hopes of finding support and guidance as I deal with the realization that my wife suffers from BPD.  She has not been officially diagnosed by her own physician but my therapist who specializes in BPD and who I have openly shared experiences, texts messages and voice mails with and he is certain that she has BPD.  I have made some major life changes over the past few months all in the hopes of improving myself so that I would be a better husband and a better father but it seems that these changes have triggered major fear basd emotions in my wife which has resulted in us fighting for weeks with no end in sight unless I go back to the way I was before I put these changes in place.  Hope to meet others who have been or are in this situation.  Thank you for taking the time. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[cloudten]

 

Welcome to the group! I hope that you will find a lot of support here... .as I have.

In my experience, the more I learned about BPD, the more I tried to validate, the more I tried to respond in ways that would help the situation, the worse his symptoms got, and the more I wanted out. It was strange and not at all the outcome I thought would happen. I think the more I learned about BPD, the more I wanted out of the relationship as well.  The more obvious his symptoms appeared to me, the more I wanted off the yo-yo. The stronger I became, the weaker "we" became. He couldn't control me anymore... .and I know that bothered him.

I also noticed a direct correlation to my activity on here and the way it affected our relationship. The more active I was on here, even in the "staying" thread, the more disenchanted I became in the relationship. Not that the "staying" thread isn't supportive... .but it was just my own feelings changing and wanting to run away from the whole mess.  But, I now know through my own therapy, that I am a runner. I run away from relationships and this one exacerbated the need to run.

Funny thing about learning about BPD, you can't unlearn it. You can't go back to the way you were before.

Have you taken time to validate her feelings? Would it be possible for you to have a calm conversation with her where you find out what she is feeling, validate that, then reassure her that you aren't going anywhere and that you only want to be with her?

[mericose]

Apologies if this has been posted before but it's worth a re-post IMO

[Skip]

I might stay away from male rights avocacy rhetoric (or female advocacy, for that matter) when looking for insight regarding a relationship.  This particular author has only one tool to recommend - drop and leave - all her editorials support that.

[mericose]

I might stay away from male rights avocacy rhetoric (or female advocacy, for that matter) when looking for insight regarding a relationship.  This particular author has only one tool to recommend - leave.

I don't know if I consider it 'looking for insight' as I would say it is just a reference for those who feel alone in their situation.