I feel thrown away

[mm1024]

Good morning.

I havent posted in a while. I have been healing and completely detaching, doing well in therapy, feeling stronger. My BPD husband is in a new relationship with another woman and living with her! We are in the middle of a divorce, I left him due to the extreme abuse that BPD (he is also ASPD and NPD). I feel so thrown away again as I found this out this week that he is living with this woman. How does anyone come out of a 7 year marriage and just jump into another? I know he had been cheating on me for a long time. Again I feel do thrown away, I dont k now how else to say it. Any advise on how anyone else has dealt with these feelings would be very much appreciated. Thank you in advance!

[heartbroken25]

Similar to my situation, but my dBPDh left me and sent me divorce papers a month ago.  I was with my husband for 27 years (married 13).  I have been replaced and he is currently living with her as well.  It has been almost 3 years since our separation and it still hurts like hell!  Hurts that I gave him my entire life and at the end of the day it didn't matter.  I, like you, also feel thrown away and discarded.  I also feel used, manipulated, strung along, lied to and feel like I was duped.  Feel like my whole marriage was a sham. 

I'm trying to deal with all these feelings one day at a time.  Some days I feel blessed that I'm alone and don't have to worry about his issues and ready to take on the world and then other days feel really angry, sad, lonely, and in disbelief that this has happened.  I cannot believe that he could do this to me after so much I had done for him and our marriage and the history we had together.  That he could give up so easily and just walk away. 

I have been seeing a therapist for the last few years on and off and she has helped me tremendously.  She tells me she's proud of my progress.  I feel I should be further along, but then I think everyone has their own timeline.  I was with this person most of my life and know of no other relationship, so I guess it will take time.  I don't think I can offer any advice as it's still difficult for me and I'm still not completely on the other side of this.  I can tell you however, that what has helped me is knowing and continuing to be a good person despite the hurt that has been inflicted,  being grateful for the things I do have, taking joy in family, friends, and in everyday life, exploring new things, finding comfort in my own alone time, and trying the best I can to create a life for myself  without him.  Most of all, I'm being good to myself in many ways (trying to eat well, exercise, treating myself to massage, sticking to my boundaries, finding my voice, etc... )  I still struggle but it's getting better.  It's definitely a process and not an event.  Sounds like you're on the right track.  I hope this has helped to validate how you feel.      

[mm1024]

Heartbroken25- Thank You! I know it is time. Lilke you I have really good days and not so good ones too. I have been taking care of myself and exercise is a great uplifter. I try not to be hard on myself if I am in a slump. I am truly in the anger stage. I see my therapist weekly. She know how BPD/ASPD/NPD affects nonBPD spouses and is a wonderful help in getting me to a solid and secure person, and regaining ALL of my self worth. Thank you for your support and response. It is comforting to know I am not alone on this journey.

[Herodias]

I am right there with you! I was with mine for about 9 years... .married 7... .we get divorced in Jan. He is already living with someone new and she may be pregnant! I feel thrown away too... .yet I did the tossing, but he gave me no choice finding another woman in my bed on Xmas! A different one than this one! I am tying to figure out how I am going to cope with Xmas, to make it more pleasant this year. Last year I was taking the tree down at 5am and tossing out out the back door! It has to be better! I am happy to be out of it, but mad for wasting so much time, energy, money and sympathy on such a jerk! I am hoping to have a nice future with someone else, but wondering how to trust anyone! It's weird to be heartbroken that it did't turn out to be the fantasy it started out being, yet I am so disgusted by him I wish i was already divorced. The only reason I stayed with the years separation is so he could keep me on his health insurance. Life is not fair sometimes... .We have to be stronger than this and know we are better than this. The next r/s will not last! I am convinced of it! It's only a matter of how long that person will put up with it! The BPD/NPD (mine is both if not SPD as well) can not change with out intensive treatment! They are not getting that from the new supply. Keep remembering that. It's not you- it's them! Let me know what kind of things your  therapist is telling you to regain your self worth... .I am doing this myself with online support groups and u tube videos. I have been through many therapists here with him and they were not interested in talking to me- He was the fascinating one. I don't want to try again, very discouraged by them in my town.  So any tips you can give me I would appreciate.  Thanks... .feel better xo

[Ashamedandangry]

I can understand 100%.  I was not married to my EX-MaleBPD but we were together for 7 years and just a month ago he left me, and as soon as he walked out the door he moved in with one of the many women he cheated on me with.  I am still trying to cope.  I may have one good day and then I am back to feeling like the whole world has shattered all around me.  My heart has been shattered. 

[wellnowonder]

I can relate!  It's not easy but I believe its just part of the illness and have to remind myself daily.

After 13 years or marriage my soon to be ex uBPDh left our two kids and I for another woman.  At this point I begged and he wouldn't come home. That r/s lasted 6 weeks and he tried to reconcile but I wouldn't budge.  Let him move home and things just got worse.  Kicked him 3 months ago.

For the last two months every single one of his personal text messages began syncing with our child's electronic device.  Found out after he could only afford to give me $20 one payday for a week for our kids, he spent the weekend entertaining two women and had the guts to come back and ask me for money/food that same weekend in the afternoons.

One woman was dx with BPD apparently and in therapy.  She left him and he seemed pretty heartbroken.  I imagine her being in therapy helped her avoid, so far, a r/s.  He moved in with other woman two weeks after they started dating (same weekend texts started coming through).  Heartbreaking and none of my business to read these messages but they have saved a lot of legal mess through divorce and really opened my eyes and helped me with any denial or hope of him changing.  Once divorce is final, I am unsyncing his #.

Now what hurts the most is that 2 months in this r/s w/ woman, he is texting her 2 teenage and one adult children and they seem to get along so well.  This week he asked for the Christmas lists.  He promised one a puppy, the other a ticket to Vegas, and I can't remember what the third is getting.  But these are gifts he wouldn't buy for our children.  I am struggling to keep them fed and have family helping financially. It seems he has replaced our kids.  He hasn't seen them much but a part of that being is a PO I had put in place.  He has 3rd party visitation rights but has only seen them 3 times in 2 months.

Also something I have observed in general is that men seem to move on to new r/s pretty quickly.  Hang in there.  I have to take it day by day, literally.  :)ivorce will be final very soon and only now am I starting to think about a future and ready to move on.

[Climbmountains91]

I relate to your feeling, of feeling 'thrown away', i feel that at the moment because he has his new supply of friends.

[joeramabeme]

mm1024: Throwing in a male response here, I likewise feel the same - discarded.  She did not jump in with someone else - at least that I am aware of, but all the same, she walked away from 13 years and seems to think nothing of it.

It is all very difficult when we are connected to our feelings and our pwBPD traits appear to be so casually detached.

Glad to hear that you have been healing and finding periods of time when there is relief.  I too have been on a similar trajectory yet find myself coming back here again as the waves still wash over the beach.

I don't have any great advice other than to say that if you are finding periods of relief up to now, you will likely experience even longer and deeper periods healing as more time passes. 

I wish you blessings for continued healing.