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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Five years on - a lesson learnt  (Read 538 times)
caredaddy

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« on: October 28, 2015, 12:49:04 PM »

Hi all... .

About 5 years ago I discovered this board after I learned about BPD from a custody evaluator.  Unfortunately, the way things went down, my ex-wife (who I am convinced is BPD, continues to demonstrate all the traits and characteristics but of course is not diagnosed because she denies having any issues and refuses to see a counselor because counselors will only be used against her) wound up with 50/50 joint legal and physical custody and I am still learning to cope with the fallout as I seek to parent and support my children.

My daughters are now 8 and 5.  My 8 year old consistently shares with me her sense of anxiety, confusion and dread regarding her mother.  My 5 year old is heavily favored by their mother and both demonstrate behaviors consistent with dealing with a BPD mother. 

I'm currently in yet another court proceeding with the ex - this time over the fact that she will not give me the children's passports as she's already court-ordered to do (she believes I will steal the children and never return - even though SHE is the one who stole the children 5 years ago and I had to hunt them down across several states).   She will not "permit" me to have the children see a counselor (because it will be used against her).   She will not allow me to have the children vaccinated or given flouride treatment (because these are only things the government uses for mind control and to spread disease and manipulate the public for money).   She will not allow me to have the children participate in family counseling with my new fiancee and her son (again - because it will be used against her).     

It's discouraging how much leniency the court system allows a person like this.  Five years on, she still has no job, lives off the state and my child support, shows no indication she will ever be remotely employable or have a relationship.  She presents a face to the world that gets her by and even convinces some of her hard luck story and what a wonderful person she is... .but the proof is in the pudding with the stories and the tears and the confusion and the emotions of the children.

I am back here now because it's been too long since I spent time educating myself about BPD in the original custody dispute.  Co-Parenting with her doesn't work... .cooperation in her glossary means "I win".  There is no cooperation.  It is her way or no way.  At the time of the very painful initial custody proceeding I wound up in the end demoralized and confused and exhausted... .so I gave in and agreed to the 50/50 because that's the way it looked like it was headed regardless.

Five years on, now I'm on the journey of spending a lot of time and resource trying to help support the children as best I can in my 50% time so that they're empowered to deal with the confusion and chaos of a BP mother... .helping empower them as much as I can to avoid their own emotional disorders... .and learning to take a stand when I'm able and when it's important and actionable in the courts.

I wish I'd known a lot more back then.  I wish I'd been able to see the future implications of the 50/50.  I wish sometimes I'd have fought harder, not accepted answers I was given, really dug in for additional expert opinions.   But it is what it is and I cannot change those past facts.   From here, I am intent on two top priorities;

1 - giving the children the best chance they can have of understanding and coping healthily with their mother and building their own life coping skills that help them avoid or address any BP traits they may have early and often.

2 - staying atop all the things that I can and am able to in a long-term strategy to empower them - at such time that it WILL happen - to be able to make their own decisions about when, how and for how long they have a relationship with their mother.   

SO... .I guess that's all for now.  Just saying hello and I note that this forum has a lot of great reading on co-parenting / parallel parenting / parenting issues with a BP... .so I will get to reading and sharing as I go.


Thanks

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bravhart1
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« Reply #1 on: October 29, 2015, 11:28:40 AM »

I'm happy you have decided to rejoin the board for support. Your fiancé might also find this board a support, as a stepmom, I know I do.

I'm curious, if you just took the girls to therapy, without her express permission, what could she do?

You can't get a judge to rule he is for it, can she get a judge to rule against it? I highly doubt any family court judge would tell a concerned parent to cease getting therapeutic support for children he is concerned for. Especially in a high conflict divorce.

I believe that too often we buy in and give the BPD too much power and influence, instead of standing up to reason.

Please understand that while I say all this, our own BPDm is very successful at bullying, scaring, and controlling things in my own home. It's easier said than done.

But as long as you are trying to change the dial on her same tune, why not try? I don't see a down side for you.

Welcome back, and good luck!
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caredaddy

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« Reply #2 on: October 29, 2015, 02:28:09 PM »

You raise a really good point.

I have consistently erred on the side of not being the one to 'break the rules'.   In joint custody, the 'rule' is that we are to come to agreement on major issues such as medical and mental health.  In my own fear of being accused of being in the wrong or negative repercussions coming my way, I have since the very beginning played the 100% legal and reasonable side.  My attorney has consistently advised me that overstepping this could be seen and presented very unfavorably in court.

It's deeply frustrating that it takes so much effort and nonsense to get what seems to be simply common sense... .and I sometimes wish I'd just taken the "forgiveness versus permission" approach.  I'm in the middle of it right now, and I suspect you're correct;  I really doubt the judge is going to rule that I am not allowed to get my children counseling or that she can block them from access to a school guidance counselor or that she must be involved in family counseling with my new family... .   I suppose I have opened myself somewhat for exposure to whatever the judge rules.  On the other hand - over the long term I continue to demostrate myself to be reasonable, rationale, law-and-rule abiding and to take appropriate steps to ask for basic things that are considered quite 'normal' by all involved including the judge, with one attorney over the course of all of this.  She on the other hand demonstrates herself to be opposed to all of these things, is now on her fifth attorney, and is very likely to go on a significant rant during our upcoming hearing with the judge that will all serve to continue showing pretty clearly what's going on to this judge.

I trust that over time, my patience and my adherence to the law and my dutiful approach to doing what I am supposed to in accordance with due process will pay off.  Along the way, it can be really frustrating.

Oh - the other challenge is that most counselors / mental health providers ask for background and for verification of legal right to see the child.  I live in a small town where most of the providers are hyper-sensitive to custody issues and don't want to get in the middle of a legal situation - so if there is a joint custody arrangement they insist on either a court order or legal consent of both parents.


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bravhart1
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« Reply #3 on: November 01, 2015, 12:51:09 PM »

I think I understand, and yes it may be difficult to find therapy with someone willing to see the children without parental consent from both parents. ( I wish the therapists in my town were so conscientious )

I think you should ask for legal custody with the requirement of you to notify her of each medical decision you make as soon as possible.

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bravhart1
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« Reply #4 on: November 01, 2015, 12:55:39 PM »

Is her anti vaccination opinion, etc, something she put in writing?

Maybe ask your lawyer if disposing her and getting her opinions about therapy, doctors, mind control on record for your hearing would be helpful to expose the mentality of the person you are going to be asked to coparent with.
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pallavirajsinghani
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« Reply #5 on: November 01, 2015, 02:04:57 PM »

Hello bravehart1:

I am sorry to see you go thorough this and especially the children go through this.  I would encourage you to: a) post on the legal board and b) read all the posts from the beginning to the end of 'Foreverdad".  The reason for a) is that I believe intuitively and strongly that some of these issues can be sorted out in the best interest of the children (and therefore by proxy you too, as you have the children's interests as your priority) by utilizing the right attorney with the right legal strategy.  The reason for b) is that he is one of the few posters who actually employed well thought of and then well executed legal strategy (ies) to reach the desired outcome--which was to get custody of his children.

This is only the first step.

Be ready for a marathon.  and don't give up.  The universe conspires to give us what we want when we takes little step after the next... .

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bravhart1
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« Reply #6 on: November 01, 2015, 06:36:38 PM »

^^thanks?

I was giving a response to  caredaddy's questions about his case. But I wholeheartedly agree with your advice also to read forever dads post.
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pallavirajsinghani
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« Reply #7 on: November 01, 2015, 08:06:45 PM »

My apologies to both of you:  The reply was meant for Caredaddy... .but the advise stands correct for everyone in similar situations.  I have been totally impressed with the way Forever Dad developed and successfully implemented viable legal strategies.  While the actual strategies he used may not be useful under different circumstances... .it is the mind-set and focus and internal resources he harnessed that are inspirational.  One of his strategies was to post his ideas, thoughts, suggested legal step on the legal board here.  He utilized the feedback... .tweaked the strategy and consistently used this board for emotional support as well. 

Hope this helps.

For no one is alone here.
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caredaddy

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« Reply #8 on: November 03, 2015, 08:07:06 AM »

'be ready for a marathon'... .

YES.

Actually, it's an ULTRAmarathon.  Thankfully, I am an ultramarathoner.

Yesterday I had the second in two attempts at mediation with the BPD.  Predictably, nothing of significance was accomplished.  I was at least able to get a preview of the things she'll say in our upcoming court hearing.  Lots of paranoia - I am going to steal the kids and never return if permitted to have access to the passports, "Big Government" is behind vaccinations and all of them will cause grave harm to the children (citing reams and reams of Internet research), Flouride is used for "mind control", the reason I want counseling with the kids is that I want "to use it against her" and she will not "allow" me to involve them in family counseling unless she is involved - again, because it'll be 'used against her'.  The kids can't see a school guidance counselor on her weeks - because the school is against her and they will use the couseling "against her". 

Unfortunately, it is very very very difficult to get a court to pay credence to the obvious in situations like this - but this upcoming court date will hopefully at least begin to put her issues on parade so that the court begins to see it more clearly.  I am realizing that my desperation to just move on with life and my frustration at the lack of support in the system led me to the wrong approach... .  I really should have been bringing these issues forward all along, not caving to her craziness, not simply 'giving up'.   That lesson is learned now, and I will continue to put EVERY legitimate and actionable issue before the court from now on.

Thank you for your support and thoughts.  I will check out the referenced posts and consider any ideas that may be relevant.   I have had a recent stroke of good fortune - a new practitioner in town who is focused on BPD, who has 20+ years experience in child advocacy and who has absolutely no qualms about going to court as a subject matter expert and who understands the challenges in getting the system to acknoweldge the damage that BPD can do to a child.   She will be an outstanding ally / support crew member in this ultramarathon.

Thanks again everyone.   I'll post more as the court date looms and things 'develop'.   My case is fairly straightforward and simple.  I want my children to have recommended medical care, access to appropriate mental health support and guidance at school, the ability to go on vacation with their father and family, and the ability to participate in family counseling to help ensure a successful, well-adjusted, whole family unit in their new family context with me, my fiancee and her son.  All of her arguments against these requests are about paranoia, control, off-the-wall 'research' and her belief that because we had children together she gets to call the shots in all aspects of their lives.  I'm confident that regardless of the manipulations she and her attorney attempt, the judge will see that the essence of what I"m asking is simple, reasonable, normal and in the best interest of the kids.

SO... .here we go... .Mile 5... .holding a steady pace and keeping my body nourished and hydrated!

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pallavirajsinghani
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« Reply #9 on: November 04, 2015, 06:25:11 PM »

I am rooting for you... .

One of your #1 fans... .and totally your children's #1 well-wisher.

Stay with us, post on the legal board ... .it's like a chess game... .you will get moment by moment, step by step feedback regarding the legal strategy.

For emotional comfort... .we are here.

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« Reply #10 on: November 04, 2015, 10:27:23 PM »

The kids can't see a school guidance counselor on her weeks - because the school is against her and they will use the counseling "against her. "

Sorry for all your trouble and heartache,  caredaddy.   Does your statement above mean that your girls can see the school counselor on YOUR weeks?   If so,  I would definitely pursue that.   Counseling every other week (or whenever you have them) could certainly be better than no counseling.   Just wanted to ask about this in case it is an opening.   Seems you are stuck having to look for and take openings wherever you can  get them!

Additionally, when my daughter was in kindergarten, she  was full of big emotions.   They had counseling groups at her school so I told the counselor to put her in ANY  and ALL counseling groups -  regardless of subject matter.   So she did the divorce group and the loss group (her dad and I had recently split up)  AND the friendship group (despite not having trouble making or keeping friends).   These groups were helpful .   Maybe that could be an option for your girls especially if it could be referred to as a SKILL DEVELOPMENT group,  ie friendship.   Just a thought in case that too could be a possible opening.

You are fighting the good fight.   Your girls are lucky to have you!
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #11 on: November 05, 2015, 03:02:37 PM »

Courts expect that once the divorce case is final and the parents get on with their lives then the conflict will subside.  That works for 90% or more of the cases.  For those that continue to have confrontations and stand-offs, yes, our cases, the court will reluctantly step in.  Usually though, they try to make the least amount of changes possible.  So you need to have clear in your mind what the priorities are.

I made the mistake years ago of listing my issues for court resolution by subject.  When out half hour was up only 3 or 4 of my 11 items had been mentioned.  I was so frustrated that the important ones hadn't been touched.  I didn't realize that court wasn't concerned enough to fully address our issues.

Court may be focused on handling a few specific issues.  Handling them one by one is typical, they may get addressed but won't get to the root of the problem   Would it be good to present everything as a pattern of obstructive, non-productive behaviors?  If the court would address her patterns then you'd probably have a better long term outcome.

Since you have 50/50, it sounds like she has joint custody with you.  You can't keep going to court to settle every stuck issue.  Have you spoken with your lawyer whether you can seek Decision Making or Tie Breaker status?  In most courts seeking a custody change involves starting a special motion for Change of Circumstances.  I don't know if seeking DM or TB require that or whether it can be included in your current motions.

Expect surprising and unrealistic counter-demands.  Of course he's going to ask for joint or shared custody.  Doesn't mean he will get it.  But you still have to be firm for what you believe is right.  You have reason to seek supervised.  However, it's hard to keep it supervised, courts see separations as prone to conflict but they expect it to settle down over time.  With reasonably normal people it does.  Not so much with high conflict cases.

The entire environment in court is one where you will almost surely pressured to settle.  Be aware and beware.  It's your choice though.  So don't feel fatalistic or weak, this is probably a time to maintain your boundaries.  Likely the court will decide a better outcome than you could get in settlement from your ex, but your lawyer will warn you that it isn't guaranteed.

It sounds like you have specific incidents to reference.  It is not unrealistic to state that your are fearful of him, for both yourself and your child.  Generally courts are reluctant to listen to older incidents that might be considered 'stale' or not actionable.  However, with the delays of court, probably you can include incidents 6 months before filing or separation.  You lawyer can try and if his lawyer objects then the judge will rule one way or the other.  Your lawyer can state these incidents also are documented in testimony to establish a long term pattern, they probably will allow older events so a pattern can be identified.

Note that my courts were not inclined to extend my fears (or for that matter, my ex's claimed fears about me) from self to include our child too.  Every time my ex sought protection for herself and included our child, our child was removed from the temporary PO.  Why a person can have a restraining order but still get parenting is a real head scratcher to me.  It's like the person is viewed in some ways as two people or having two different sets of behaviors, bad adult behaviors and okay parenting behaviors.  So your job is to make sure your ex is not just seen as concerning for you but especially as regards your child.

With his behaviors and issues it would be hard for him to get more than standard father alternate weekends and a little time in between.  So it may end up being something between that and supervised.   Also, beware of court leaving legal decisions as equally joint.  He is likely to obstruct every major decision.  If court leaves it 'joint' then you'll be delayed in court or in mediation over and over.  Besides seeking Residential Parent for School Purposes, also try to get as much decision making as possible.  So if you can't get full or sole custody (for major decisions) then try very hard to get Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  Courts are generally reluctant to let one parent feel a loser.  DM or TB is for joint custody so (1) ex could say he still has joint but may not feel the Loser and (2) it is effectively full custody for you.  Yes, he could contest your decisions but with DM/TB at least he couldn't delay them for months and months.

Courts often see custody and parenting as two separate aspects of the case.  So remember to do your best to succeed with both, the major decision-making as well as the visitation.

* These are essentially almost like sole custody but allow the other parent to still say it is joint custody, language the courts like to maintain:

DM - Decision Making -- You have final decision, proceed and notify Ex of your decision.

TM - Tie Breaker -- You seek agreement from Ex on major decisions first but you have final decision, proceed and notify Ex of your decision.

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livednlearned
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« Reply #12 on: November 08, 2015, 01:57:17 PM »

I had to skim the responses, so apologies if I'm saying something others already said --

About the passports. I had a go-around with passports too.

Do you even need a lawyer if you have to return to court about the passports? In retrospect, I see now that there were hearings I could've handled myself. This would have saved me a boatload of money. Although, also in retrospect, going mano a mano with my lawyer ex husband never seemed like a good idea. 

If you want to go to court just for the passports, that's probably pretty straightforward. My judge handled this kind of thing by saying to N/BPDx, "You have until close of business to get the xyz to LnL, otherwise, report to jail and/or you'll be fined, etc."

If you want to help unjack your ex's paranoia, that's a different tactic. I ended up doing research into how things work, and then presented a solution. For example, I'm a dual citizen and my ex's fear was about me taking S14 to Canada where I'm from and slipping into the wilderness. That would never happen, but whatever, we're talking BPD. In our situation, I needed a notarized letter with permission from N/BPDx to cross into Canada. Not sure if that's true of most countries or just Canada. I also offered to post bond -- there's a way to insure the trip so that if I disappeared, N/BPDx could tap the bond and use the money to launch an investigation and have S14 returned. Plus, there were ways to flap the trip through US Customs. I'm not sure if that's an international alert system or just across the Canada/US border.

I dumped all of that into my lawyer's lap and she presented this really slick solution that made it clear I had no intention of skipping the country with S14.

With some pwBPD, allaying their fears, no matter how out of touch they are, can help them bring down the dysregulation so that they can think clearly. It can make things cheaper and easier for you if you can do that, although sometimes we get so worn down it's hard to do.
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« Reply #13 on: November 17, 2015, 10:12:50 PM »

Hi there,

Thanks for sharing your situation.  As I read your post I began to wonder what kind of episodes have occurred between your kids and their mother, or with you in their company, to make you concerned with their abuse or neglect?  Or perhaps they are just really uncomfortable?  In any case, I am sorry they (and you) have to deal with this stress.   

The good news is, this will pass, either by an outside change in your lives, or because the girls are getting older and wiser (and educated about healthy behavior, nice job : )  and will be able to change the dynamics on their own, in due time. 

I do wonder about your personal diagnosis of your ex-wife. Your girls are at such an impressionable age, I really hope you are being fair to your ex wife.  My ex talked me down so much to my daughter, and she ended up not really trusting his opinions much once she got older and considered him a Hater.  Unless your kids are being seriously neglected--in that case you should document and report to the state.

Also, your kids are still young, and I don't see the problem with your ex-wife not working at this time.  I don't know if she worked when you two were married, but if she did not, and it was part of the agreement that she would be a stay-at-home mother, than it may be hard to convince her otherwise.  If she is used to having more money on hand, my guess is that she will tire of the poverty and find a job in the next year or two.  Either way, it's her choice how she handles her time, now that you two are separated, and she most likely has an entirely different philosophical belief about work and life than you do (smile).  I know that there are a new generation of men who want mother's to work, just like a man works.  However, not all women are wired for this. 

I offer you my sincere regrets for the brokenness of your marriage, and all of the discomforts it brings to have the kids shuffled back and forth between two homes.
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caredaddy

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« Reply #14 on: June 13, 2016, 02:17:46 PM »

Well... .here we are... .almost another YEAR on... .and I'm headed back to court for yet another Threshold hearing.

The outcome last year was that the judge did NOT find a threshold for a custody hearing.  So, we went back in for individual rulings on things like vaccinations, access to passports, counseling and some other things. The court supported all of my reasonable requests.

Subsequent to that set of rulings, my BPD attempted everything she could to obstruct the counseling, the vaccinations, and has continued to contribute to the children's declining dental health by not allowing them to brush their teeth with toothpaste.   She has also blocked me or the children from having telephone contact when they are with her, refuses to negotiate an annual vacation in our custody agreement, and the children have been sharing very concerning statements and behaviors that demonstrate their relationship with her is damaged, and that they have fear and anxiety about being with her.

So... .here we go again.  I am representing myself this time around.  She has the most expensive attorney in town - despite being on welfare and refusing to get work. 

It's incredibly frustrating - the time and money and stress and frustration that has gone into trying to get pretty simple, straightforward and normal things for the children's well being.  It's awful watching the system enable the manipulative and damaging behaviors of a BPD.  Because the damage she inflicts on the children is emotional and psychological and doesn't leave bruises or hospital records - it is next to impossible to get their attention. 

But I won't give up.

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« Reply #15 on: June 13, 2016, 02:28:10 PM »

Hi there,

Thanks for sharing your situation.  As I read your post I began to wonder what kind of episodes have occurred between your kids and their mother, or with you in their company, to make you concerned with their abuse or neglect?  Or perhaps they are just really uncomfortable?  In any case, I am sorry they (and you) have to deal with this stress.   

The good news is, this will pass, either by an outside change in your lives, or because the girls are getting older and wiser (and educated about healthy behavior, nice job : )  and will be able to change the dynamics on their own, in due time. 

I do wonder about your personal diagnosis of your ex-wife. Your girls are at such an impressionable age, I really hope you are being fair to your ex wife.  My ex talked me down so much to my daughter, and she ended up not really trusting his opinions much once she got older and considered him a Hater.  Unless your kids are being seriously neglected--in that case you should document and report to the state.

Also, your kids are still young, and I don't see the problem with your ex-wife not working at this time.  I don't know if she worked when you two were married, but if she did not, and it was part of the agreement that she would be a stay-at-home mother, than it may be hard to convince her otherwise.  If she is used to having more money on hand, my guess is that she will tire of the poverty and find a job in the next year or two.  Either way, it's her choice how she handles her time, now that you two are separated, and she most likely has an entirely different philosophical belief about work and life than you do (smile).  I know that there are a new generation of men who want mother's to work, just like a man works.  However, not all women are wired for this. 

I offer you my sincere regrets for the brokenness of your marriage, and all of the discomforts it brings to have the kids shuffled back and forth between two homes.

My children are saying things like "I hate my mom and I want to kill her".   They are not being 'seriously neglected' by state CPS terms.  But they are being emotionally traumatized and the research is clear on what that does to children's development.  I've worked hard for 6 years to be fair to her.  I do my best to be her advocate with the children.  I try to encourage their relationship and talk her up and honestly answer their questions about her behavior not with blame - but with balanced rationale as to why her own experiences as a child have left her with some tendencies as a mother that they are experiencing themselves.  I want them to know it's not their 'fault' for the way they are treated. 

As for working... .well when I met her she had a job.  And she claimed to want a career.  But it turned out I had a very limited view of her real objectives in life.  She has held down a few jobs in life for a very short period of time... .but her personality issues always wound up in the end of those opportunities.  I don't have anything against the notion of a stay-at-home-mom... .but I do feel very strongly that a woman who makes nothing of herself, who lives off welfare and child support, who goes to school to get an MBA and then complains she is "too overqualified to work", who blames the world around her for her misfortunes and is angling for handouts and taking advantage wherever possible is not providing a strong and positive model of feminine potential to my daughters.   Again, I do not disparage her to the children.  I do point out that when she complains about never having enough money and tries to put that on me - she is making a CHOICE not to work.  She has children two weeks of the month.  She has a bachelor's degree and an MBA.  Yet she chooses to live in state housing, collect welfare, collect child support and do nothing to better her position in life.   

The children see it... .they see that their mother "isn't normal" (their words).  It causes them dissonance.  They love their mother, I know they do... .she's their mother.  But they also say they hate her, she's stupid, they want her dead.  I calmly validate their anger but then also point out that I know they'd really miss their mother and be sad if she weren't in their lives.  I affirm that their mother is important.  I affirm that their mom loves them - even when it's not feeling that way.   I am not against their mother - I am against their mother's detrimental behaviors and the decisions she makes which work against them developing as happily, well-adjusted and secure as possible.

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catclaw
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« Reply #16 on: June 16, 2016, 05:46:06 AM »

Hey caredaddy, nice to meet you Smiling (click to insert in post)

I'm always finding it so hard to believe how similar the stories of the community members are. It's scary yet comforting to know you're no alone in this.

My daughters are now 8 and 5.  My 8 year old consistently shares with me her sense of anxiety, confusion and dread regarding her mother.  



My SS is 9 and he isn't that consistent regarding his confusion. It's ups and downs and he kind of shares the borderline-specific black-and-white-thinking about his mother.


I'm currently in yet another court proceeding with the ex - this time over the fact that she will not give me the children's passports as she's already court-ordered to do (she believes I will steal the children and never return - even though SHE is the one who stole the children 5 years ago and I had to hunt them down across several states).  

Mirroring Smiling (click to insert in post) SS' BPDm kind of kidnapped the little one over night and put him  into foster care without DH's permission (they share cutody). Whenever we're going on vacation she wants the full adress of the hotels, the arrival and departure times of the planes and calls  every few days to make sure we're not leaving the continent or whatever. Meanwhile she's busy asking around if there's any possibility to leave the Country for a couple of years with SS without his dad knowing.

She will not "permit" me to have the children see a counselor (because it will be used against her).   She will not allow me to have the children vaccinated or given flouride treatment (because these are only things the government uses for mind control and to spread disease and manipulate the public for money).   She will not allow me to have the children participate in family counseling with my new fiancee and her son (again - because it will be used against her).    

Wow. We had the same Troubles with counselling, but vaccinating was never an issue. We're lucky in this one. We found an Institution to unbureaucratically make a developmental diagnostic. For the therapy we needed her permission. Luckiy - all of a sudden - she had the fantasy that SS might be gifted (he has severe Problems at School due to his incapacity to follow instructions that go against his wish to Play, which he actually never learned) and wanted him tested. So we had a reason to get him to see the therapist (who makes the testing).

It's discouraging how much leniency the court system allows a person like this.  Five years on, she still has no job, lives off the state and my child support, shows no indication she will ever be remotely employable or have a relationship.  She presents a face to the world that gets her by and even convinces some of her hard luck story and what a wonderful person she is... .but the proof is in the pudding with the stories and the tears and the confusion and the emotions of the children.

This, to me, is the hardest Thing to accept. BPDm never even bothered to work or find a way to get to finish School, despite having SS in foster care and later living with us. The day she was reminded that child Support has been due for 2 years, that she will be invited to court and will be obligated to find a Job to financially Support her son, she obviously decided that another pregnancy would fix it and here we are again. You wouldn't believe how sweet she can be towards CPS. If Things don't get her way, she will rage and blame everyonea around for making her life a mess if all she wants is  her son to be happy. I really think that she wants him to be happy, but she's so misgguided by her own misery that his Needs somehow blur into her own ones.

I am back here now because it's been too long since I spent time educating myself about BPD in the original custody dispute.  Co-Parenting with her doesn't work... .cooperation in her glossary means "I win".  There is no cooperation.  It is her way or no way.  At the time of the very painful initial custody proceeding I wound up in the end demoralized and confused and exhausted... .so I gave in and agreed to the 50/50 because that's the way it looked like it was headed regardless.

Five years on, now I'm on the journey of spending a lot of time and resource trying to help support the children as best I can in my 50% time so that they're empowered to deal with the confusion and chaos of a BP mother... .helping empower them as much as I can to avoid their own emotional disorders... .and learning to take a stand when I'm able and when it's important and actionable in the courts.

I wish I'd known a lot more back then.  I wish I'd been able to see the future implications of the 50/50.  I wish sometimes I'd have fought harder, not accepted answers I was given, really dug in for additional expert opinions.   But it is what it is and I cannot change those past facts.   From here, I am intent on two top priorities;

1 - giving the children the best chance they can have of understanding and coping healthily with their mother and building their own life coping skills that help them avoid or address any BP traits they may have early and often.

2 - staying atop all the things that I can and am able to in a long-term strategy to empower them - at such time that it WILL happen - to be able to make their own decisions about when, how and for how long they have a relationship with their mother.    

SO... .I guess that's all for now.  Just saying hello and I note that this forum has a lot of great reading on co-parenting / parallel parenting / parenting issues with a BP... .so I will get to reading and sharing as I go.


Thanks

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catclaw
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« Reply #17 on: June 16, 2016, 05:55:21 AM »

Sorry, my browser wouldn't let me finish the Reply for some reason.

What I wanted to say was actually - hang in there. You are doing the best you can for your Kids and something will stick with them evetually. Maybe not all of your efforts, but they are able to see what life can be like outside the BPD-Bubble.

The good Thing is, People in Courts (judges, lawyers, everyone involved with the case) become more and more Aware of BPD. It goes slowly, but Information is on ist way. During University I took a class about Family court and social workers involved and there is a movement to share awareness of PAS, BPD and related issues. That was a year or so ago.

We are in this together and as you can see, the struggles that you're facing are everydaylife to others (even on the other side of the globe, hello there!) as well Smiling (click to insert in post)

Lots of love

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bravhart1
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
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« Reply #18 on: June 18, 2016, 05:40:44 PM »

One of things we began to do that got plenty of traction in courts, evals, etc was to stop legitimizing moms concerns. For instance, her fear that dad will take kiddos out of town on vacation and never return,

We would simply state that there is no basis in fact in that statement, and that either mom is actually paranoid, or using the mental illness symptoms of paranoia to prevent dad from having a normal relationship.

Stating that it had worked pretty well for mom to throw out baseless concerns to control dad needs to stop. And that it needs to be determined if mom is ACTUALLY imbalanced mentally or FAKING imbalance to control the situation. Either way can you see she doesn't win? She's either crazy or a liar, neither get her the desired results.

Good luck in court. And BTW, you may be surprised to find the courts have become much more intolerant of these hyjinks by moms to control dads, or vice versa. Even in the last year our attorney has told us that he sees a huge shift. Don't accept status quo.
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