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losingthewill

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« on: November 04, 2015, 05:51:14 PM »

First of all... .I'm not walking away, running, giving up, or anything of that nature... .so I only would like to receive positive suggestions as to how to proceed.

I will keep this short... .

I have been with my partner for 14 months. In this time she has broken up with me 5-6 times. Each time she gives me the silent treatment for a few days, finally calls me and yells at me and tells me what she doesn't like about me and our relationship, and then I proceed to beg her/chase her/convince her to reconsider... .and then she does.

Right now however I am at the end of a 13 day silent treatment that she finally broke to text me and tell me it was over. She said the same things that she always says (she's not good enough for me, I can find someone else better, move on). Instead of begging this time... .I said a few positive things and told her that I would always be here for her and basically left it at that. I had decided that I wanted her to want to be with me without me having to beg her or convince her.

Previously the longest silent treatment had lasted only 4-5 days... .so this scares me. She texted me just 3 days ago and I haven't contacted her since... .and haven't heard a peep from her.

Did she want me to chase her again? Am I making a mistake?  Will she never speak to me again?  Did she mean it this time?

We get along great when she isn't stressed. Nothing happened to cause this other than her being stressed. I love this woman with all of my heart... .but I don't want to feel like I'm forcing or coercing her to remain in this relationship.

I miss her so much
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

losingthewill

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« Reply #1 on: November 04, 2015, 06:57:01 PM »

Please help me 
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EaglesJuju
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« Reply #2 on: November 04, 2015, 07:36:37 PM »

Hi losingthewill, 

Welcome aboard. 

I am sorry that this is happening to you.    I understand how confusing it is to endure the silent treatment for 13 days then receiving a break up text, especially when something similar happened before. 

I do not know if she wants you to chase her.  I really do not think anyone knows besides her.  Sometimes people just need space and that is applicable even for people with BPD (pwBPD).  From my experience, chasing never worked for me. When my pwBPD told me to move on, I did what you did and told him positive things and left it like that. Eventually, he came back into my life. 

Stress is the Achilles heel for a pwBPD. The core of BPD is emotional dysregulation. PwBPD are very vulnerable to emotions and tend to have intense emotions. It is very hard for a pwBPD to control or regulate their emotions. Due to the vulnerability and intensity of emotions, external or environmental stimuli (stress) affects emotional regulation. As a result, a pwBPD will engage in maladaptive coping mechanisms to "self-regulate." Maladaptive coping mechanisms include avoidance, impulsive behavior, dissociation, projection, etc.

Perhaps you can share more about what led up to the silent treatment or how you handled this in the past?
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pallavirajsinghani
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« Reply #3 on: November 04, 2015, 07:44:21 PM »

Hello losingthewill:

There is such strong conflict raging in you... .you are asking questions that put you in an "Undecided" category but you are posting on the "Staying" board... .this alone is revealing of how torn you are.

Our responses to you will be different and we use the board that you are posting in as our primary guide as to how we should respond.

 So, because you are posting on the "Staying" board, at this time, I would like to comfort you with the hope that some measure of your pain can be reduced by my telling you that you are not alone and that the entire wisdom, knowledge and power of this board is by you and behind you.

Further, I would like to point you to the direction of the 'Lessons" on this site.  Lessons that teach about self-care while you are in a relationship with a BPD sufferer, about communication skills, about boundaries.

Fundamentally, at this time, it is critical that you first take care of yourself.  When heart hurts so much, one cannot make good choices.  Choices made out of pain can result in furthering the pain.  

Is counseling available to you?  If yes, please consider it.

Please do take steps to take good care of yourself---exercise, developing good memories with friends and family, nourishing food, good sleep habits... .once you start taking good care of yourself... .the solutions will begin to unfold.

Notice that I am not responding to your question about whether you should chase her or let her go... .while this is a valid question, it cannot be legitimately answered as I do not want to inadvertently be disrespectful or hurtful.

God Bless.

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« Reply #4 on: November 04, 2015, 08:00:41 PM »

 

You have already started to change... .you didn't beg her.

This is uncomfortable for you... .and (I'm guessing here) that she is scratching her head too.

I'm going to answer like I would  stayer... .although I too sense some ? that you are raising.  Keep asking... .look in the mirror for questions.

I'll be direct in one answer... .don't chase.  I think you have figured out that doesn't work.

So... .if you love her and want to "pursue" her... .what to do?

First... .commit yourself to reading lessons and getting smarter about BPD.

Second... .don't be afraid to reach out to her... .NO BEGGING.  Be completely prepared for her to ignore you... .or flip out... .or beg you.

Don't react to anything... .the key is to stay rather nonchalant... .

If you exclaims that she loves you and you are the best ever... .you should respond "inside" her exclamation.  So that means don't "top" what she says... .but give a more moderate reply.  "No No... you are the best!" and maybe an affectionate squeeze.

If she exclaims that she hates you... .never wants to see you again... blah blah... .  you can say "This is concerning... "

Over time this can help her moderate things.

So... check in with her for coffee... .you "just happened" to be in the neighborhood.  Keep it short... .and move along.  Don't get bogged down in r/s talk.

Thoughts on this?  Think you can pull this off?

FF
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losingthewill

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« Reply #5 on: November 04, 2015, 08:44:45 PM »

I am most definitely staying... .but if she never comes back to me I suppose that would be a different category. I have zero desire to seek a relationship with anyone in the future.

Leading up to this... .She had to make a home office and start working her 2nd and 3rd jobs from home. Her kids (twins) got their learner permits and she started teaching them to drive. I had been stuck on a different shift that took away most of the times that I normally had with her. So... .lots of stress and changes.

I have been in counseling (alone) and I have read every book the library had to offer about any and all personality disorders. I don't like the labels of specific disorders. I may be in denial or a fool but I feel like it is like different people might all be able to doodle, paint, or draw... .but some will be great artists and some not. The not so great artists might be fantastic at singing, or math, or a sport. We all have different strengths and stronger traits than others. That's just my view and I realize that it's probably naive. I realize that experiences and traumas create a lot of these disorders... .but I too had a traumatic past and my issues are different. We are still all like snowflakes.

My heart is definitely aching. I feel like I have lost someone due to a death. When I sleep... .I wake up and it takes a minute to remember that it is real and not a nightmare. A real nightmare  :'(
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sweet tooth
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« Reply #6 on: November 04, 2015, 09:01:31 PM »

Dude, I'm in a similar boat as you. I've gone through several disappearing acts/silent treatments with my girl. Each period the time away gets longer. I'm convinced that there is a correlation between how close we get and how long she stays away for. None of them seemed to have any catalyst other than her own personal stressors. I agree with the other posters. DON'T chase. I've chased before and it just delays the process. Give her the space she desires and she'll probably come back. I'm currently in a 3 week disappearing act. There was no fight leading up to it. It's as if she just fell off the face of the earth. I tried chasing for the first 2 and a half weeks. I sent several texts. Nothing. I called a few time. Nothing. She returned one phone call after I left a message. However, she didn't leave a message. I called a few more times. Nothing. That missed call is all I've had in the past 3 weeks.

I know how you feel. You probably asked yourself:

-Did I do something wrong?

-Is she okay emotionally/physically?

-Is she still alive?

-Is she seeing somebody else?

-Is she mad at me?

-Is this my fault?

-Why is this happening?

-What could I have done differently?

-Is she depressed?

-Is she overwhelmed?

-Will she be back (your question here)?

-How could she do this to me?

(Among other questions)

My guess is that you feel multiple emotions such as confusion, yearning, anger, sadness, stress, anxiety, and depression.

Some things that have worked for me:

-Talking to other women to get the attention I desire. That's TALKING, not dating or becoming intimate with.

-Try to clear your mind (an almost impossible task)

-Exercise

-Attempt to improve yourself: read some books, work on your education or career, etc.

-Remind yourself that you've lived without her for X amount of years, you can survive without her if you have to.

-Remind yourself not to take it personally (which is REALLY hard!). The person is emotionally unstable. It's not like she's deliberately hurting you. In fact, she's probably suffering just as much as you (if not more).

-Practice forgiveness, but set boundaries.

-If it becomes too much to bear, seek professional counseling to learn coping skills.

Trust me. I know how much it sucks. If the person was a downright b**** it would be a lot easier to say, "oh, screw her!" However, since part or most of the time the person is one of the best things that happened to you, it makes it much more difficult. Good luck!
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losingthewill

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« Reply #7 on: November 04, 2015, 09:16:00 PM »

Thank you so much EaglesJuju, pallavirajsin, formflier and sweet tooth. I literally burst into tears when I saw my responses. Even though I have a group of coworkers cheering me on... .it felt so good to be heard and supported by some that understand.

Your support means the world to me right now!

formflier... .I am definitely not ready to contact her. I'm scared to death! If she were to be cold or ignore me I would probably be back at square one.  Maybe in a week or two if I haven't heard from her. I need to heal some more... .or try.
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sweet tooth
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« Reply #8 on: November 04, 2015, 10:43:30 PM »

One note of caution: If you begin to heal and send her a message that she ignores, you WILL be back at square 1 emotionally. I had this happen to me a few weeks ago.

Don't forget the pathology of the emotionally unstable. If you message her, you're giving her attention. This will likely prolong the silent treatment because she is still getting what she desires. If you don't, more than likely she will seek you out due to abandonment fears. Remember our dear friend Admiral Ackbar, "It's a TRAP!"
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sweet tooth
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« Reply #9 on: November 04, 2015, 10:45:12 PM »

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4F4qzPbcFiA
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« Reply #10 on: November 05, 2015, 06:47:26 AM »

formflier... .I am definitely not ready to contact her. I'm scared to death! If she were to be cold or ignore me I would probably be back at square one.  Maybe in a week or two if I haven't heard from her. I need to heal some more... .or try.

There is no rush... .

I applaud your ability to reflect on your emotions... and share those... .

Don't take any of my comments as "pushing"... .  When you are ready... .my comments apply.

If you don't feel like you are ready for a while... .think about what that means to you.

Your emotions are an advisor to you... .  LISTEN TO THEM.

If they tell you something... .consistently... .for a long time... .that is very different from having a shock to your emotions... .but it passes after a day or so... .

FF
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Lotus1976

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« Reply #11 on: November 05, 2015, 03:26:54 PM »

One note of caution: If you begin to heal and send her a message that she ignores, you WILL be back at square 1 emotionally. I had this happen to me a few weeks ago.

Don't forget the pathology of the emotionally unstable. If you message her, you're giving her attention. This will likely prolong the silent treatment because she is still getting what she desires. If you don't, more than likely she will seek you out due to abandonment fears. Remember our dear friend Admiral Ackbar, "It's a TRAP!"

I'm right here in your boat as we speak. Except, I'm either numb, dissociative or have BPD myself! I feel blank after this last verbal attack and crazy episode. I miss the fantasy of having a long lasting loving partner by my side. But here's the deal, unless you are ok with the chasing dance, you gotta do something different. I say SET it ASIDE for a minute and get yourself mentally prepared for anything. That's what I'm trying to do. Each day it is getting easier and I see more clearly. I cannot live like this on eggshells. He IS the best thing that happened to me but I AM HURT! At what time do our feelings matter? Are you willing to cater to this childish and hurtful behavior? I don't know if I can do it because I'm just afraid of the next freak out! I feel you though. I love my person a whole lot. Miss him bad.
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losingthewill

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« Reply #12 on: November 07, 2015, 10:42:42 AM »

Most of my stuff was in trash bags outside of my house when I got up this morning... .so I guess this is over?  :'(
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formflier
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« Reply #13 on: November 07, 2015, 10:45:28 AM »

Most of my stuff was in trash bags outside of my house when I got up this morning... .so I guess this is over?  :'(

 

OK... .whose house is it?  Yours... .or hers.

She has not right to toss you out... .you have no right to toss her out... .assuming it is joint property.

This needs a healthy... .non reactive solution... .but we need information to help guide you.

FF
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losingthewill

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« Reply #14 on: November 07, 2015, 10:48:30 AM »

My house. We don't live together. She dropped off the stuff that I had kept at her house.
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« Reply #15 on: November 07, 2015, 11:49:45 AM »

My house. We don't live together. She dropped off the stuff that I had kept at her house.

OK...

I would thank her for dropping of your stuff... .something short and simple. 

If she tries to engage in more conversation... .let her know you will call her later when you have more time to talk.

If you want a future... .change the dynamic.  It doesn't mean there will be a future... .but gives a chance.

FF
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losingthewill

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« Reply #16 on: November 07, 2015, 12:02:04 PM »

Ok. Done. I just said "Thank you for dropping off my stuff."

I'll let you know if anything comes from it.

BTW... .I had to text that to her because she won't answer phone calls from me. I'm not sure why she hasn't just blocked me.
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losingthewill

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« Reply #17 on: November 07, 2015, 12:22:20 PM »

Her response was... .

"You're welcome."

Now what?
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formflier
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« Reply #18 on: November 07, 2015, 12:59:53 PM »

Her response was... .

"You're welcome."

Now what?

Well... .that's it.  That part is over.

If you want to see her... .do something with her... .give it a couple days.  Make plans to go to coffee shop near her.  Mention to her you are going... .invite her.  If she declines... .go anyway an enjoy it.

If she goes... .enjoy a coffee with her.  Don't get into heavy r/s talk... .just enjoy the day.  If she wigs out on you... accuses... .whatever... .excuse yourself... .and go do something else enjoyable.

FF
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losingthewill

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« Reply #19 on: November 09, 2015, 12:43:17 AM »

FF... .

I'm still petrified to contact her. I really think that she should be the one to contact me. I realize that logic doesn't really apply in these situations... .but I was amazing to her and I am more than worth her fighting for. 

Just thinking about her makes me feel like all of the air has been sucked from my lungs. The thought that I may never hold her in my arms again makes me feel as though my heart has stopped beating and is falling from my chest.

This sucks.
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« Reply #20 on: November 09, 2015, 06:57:09 AM »

FF... .

I'm still petrified to contact her. I really think that she should be the one to contact me. I realize that logic doesn't really apply in these situations... .but I was amazing to her and I am more than worth her fighting for. 

OK... .I hear a strong feeling that is tied to your values there.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Can you write that out as a boundary... .  Remember boundaries go both ways... .they show other people what is NOT theirs and they show you what is yours... .what you have control over.

FF
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losingthewill

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« Reply #21 on: November 10, 2015, 12:36:25 AM »

Smiling (click to insert in post) thank you FF

I'm all over the place in the grieving process. Today I crossed over into extremely pissed off status. Of course... .I feel incredibly guilty for having those feelings toward her... .but I have and do. 

I don't think she will ever reach out to me or come back to me... .but I really wish she would. The good news is it gets easier and easier to breathe each day.

I am also finding that I'm getting far too excited about counseling days. Ugh!
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« Reply #22 on: November 10, 2015, 06:55:11 AM »

  Of course... .I feel incredibly guilty for having those feelings toward her... .but I have and do. 

Your feelings are never wrong... .! 

Spend time with them... .think about your feelings... .what are they telling you?

FF
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