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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
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Author Topic: How do you deal with the constant negativity?  (Read 1150 times)
Cloudy Days
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« Reply #30 on: November 11, 2015, 11:45:56 AM »

My husband and money don't mix well, he basically spends it before we get it and I'm left being called a dumb B___ because I can't handle money because we are broke (big surprise). Doesn't make sense at all. My husband has taught me a lot about life, and mostly a lot about not trusting people including him. If I am ever to leave him, I have a whole new set of do's and don'ts that I wish I knew before I ever met him. The first would be, you don't need a man to be happy... .
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« Reply #31 on: November 11, 2015, 12:13:39 PM »

So where are you now?

1. You feel somewhat financially trapped with him, and his poor money management.

I don't recall what the balance of income is between you and him, but if your income is 50% or more, you have the option of opening an individual account and putting your money in it, and not letting him spend it when it isn't there to be spent.

The trick is that you have joint obligations (like a mortgage, utilities, etc.) and making sure he pays a share of them is harder.

If you make 70~80% of the household income, it is easy, if likely to cause him to get angry at you--just put it in an account he doesn't have the ability to remove it from, and only pay for reasonable expenses and household expenses.

If he makes the majority of the household money, it is tougher, but you can do something.

2. He makes threats to leave, but they aren't serious. You know that. NOTE: If you say something about leaving, it is a completely different game, no matter how often he does it. We're talking about his emotional reaction to things. You're obviously thinking about how life would be without him... .and probably know better than sharing those thoughts with him.

3. He is jabbing at you, your dogs, etc., etc., etc.

He does it very often. He may only half-notice he does it. It appears to be a coping mechanism that works for him. If you want it to stop, take the reward away.

End the conversation and walk away when he does it. If you are eating, pick up your plate of food and go away. Don't bother saying much of anything about it, other than making clear that this isn't acceptable to you, and that you aren't going to explain why not. (Sometimes when my wife said something snippy to me, I just calmly said "f*** you" and left it at that. No shouting, not much emotion. Simply a clear acknowledgement of the feeling her last words left. This may not work for you, but it is one example. "I won't be spoken to that way." works also.)

He's been doing it for years, and isn't going to stop without some firm action on your part.

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« Reply #32 on: November 11, 2015, 12:37:20 PM »

He's been doing it for years, and isn't going to stop without some firm action on your part.

And it will take a while... .but it will be worth it.

FF
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #33 on: November 11, 2015, 12:46:29 PM »

I make about 65% of the money but so much of it goes to bills/mortgage, I have been trying to keep the credit cards paid off, he has his own card, I pay that too. He smokes that's at least $80-$120 a month and he drinks and that is probably $100 a month. This is where his money goes, The rest of it goes to buying food and taking care of the dogs and house upkeep. We do not make a lot of money. I have tried to save, but I end up taking it out to pay something or buy food or buy gas. It's endless, I am going to try harder at not allowing him to talk to me how he does. So much of the time the complaints aren't really directed at me so much as a vent, like this morning, I said I love you and I just left and went to work. I don't know whether I should Validate or just leave the room. I say F You quite often to my husband actually when he says some of the things he says. It's a struggle because we also have to pay for his therapy which is less than it used to be but to comply with Parole rules he has to go. Then there are things like the heater breaking, still working on getting that fixed but have to find money for it which takes out of my savings. If he just left and never came back I would not be helpless. But he's never going to leave like he says. I know they are comforting tactics, I don't understand why he uses them but that's what he uses. If I leave I have to take the dogs, because I am not going to trust them to his care, and where can you take that many dogs? Especially if you don't have money to board them. You can't rent with 5 dogs, even if I just took the 3 little ones or two of them, because I know he will fight for the one he likes. It's just a no win for me on leaving because I still have to pay for our home regardless of whether I am there or not. It makes me feel hopeless... .
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« Reply #34 on: November 11, 2015, 12:52:28 PM »

  It's endless, I am going to try harder at not allowing him to talk to me how he does. 

Mindset and language matters... .look at your statement above.

compare with this...

"I'm going to try harder to no participate in the negative talk my husband says to me... "

Who has the power in each of those statements?

Which statement has a higher chance of success?

Do you guys have an agreed upon budget?  Written?

FF
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #35 on: November 11, 2015, 01:43:55 PM »

Its written out but expenses vary from month to month, I try to put money away for myself in a separate account he has his own account he tries to put money away in but everything is just so expensive we never really have much to save. I've fought the battle of asking him not to smoke or drink, that's not going to stop, I've been trying for 10 years and I can't make him want to stop. We have only lived in this new place for 6 months so aren't really sure what all the expenses are considering cost to cool and heat the place so far. I can't seem to get ahead, something always comes up that takes that extra money.
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« Reply #36 on: November 11, 2015, 07:24:44 PM »

First off, you aren't ready to leave just now... .but if you were... .if I recall correctly, he has horrible credit, and isn't even on the loan/deed for the house. So you don't have to find a place to rent with 5 dogs. You have to force him out, and should be in a legal position to do so if it came to that... .but that should be checked with both a lawyer and posting on the legal board here if you are thinking about it.  Meanwhile, I hope it doesn't come to that.

However... .when it comes to all those thousands of little "jabs" and other put downs... .you can do this. It does take dedication, and real effort to be consistent on it. And when you start, you will find you aren't quite as quick and consistent as you wish, but with practice, you will get better, and it won't take long to get consistent.
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #37 on: November 12, 2015, 02:30:34 PM »

His name is on the Deed... .

So today he called me at work and started calling me a Moron because I wasn't understanding him. He apparently asked me a question that never made it to me in text. I told him not to call me names and he basically said that my boyfriend must be next to me and called me a whore and hung up on me. Anytime I stand up for myself and tell him not to call me names or not to speak to me the way he does he claims I have someone coaching me. This is not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last.

I was actually having a good day until he started texting me, now I just want to cry. Not because of what he thinks of me, I could care less about that. I just don't want to have to deal with this madness... .I didn't get a chance to stand my ground and tell him I would hang up if he didn't stop as he hung up before I could do that. I sent a text to him saying "I do not want to be called a Moron, stuipid, idiot or any of the above. You can communicate with me without calling me names . I am your wife and I deserve that much."
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #38 on: November 12, 2015, 02:38:30 PM »

Sorry it went that way.

However, you don't have to tell him WHY you are hanging up on him, and you ABSOLUTELY don't need him to agree with why you are hanging up on him.

At this point, as soon as the word moron appears on the phone, hang up without another word. He's been put on notice.

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« Reply #39 on: November 12, 2015, 04:39:22 PM »

At this point, as soon as the word moron appears on the phone, hang up without another word. He's been put on notice.

Amen to that... .

Once I finally got onboard with doing things this way... much better.  Any attempt to explain things to her... .seemed to infuriate.

Sometimes it felt better to say things to her... .but I truly believe it was less effective.

Not too long ago... .she went on a rant.

I said  "FF wife, I'm a human being... .and I won't be talked to that way"  (really didn't think it through... just came out)

she says "Human being my a$$ ... ."  I didn't hear the rest as I was walking away... .

probably better if I had found something shorter to say...

FF
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« Reply #40 on: November 12, 2015, 04:52:43 PM »

Hi Cloudy Day 

I am sorry you are suffering like that. 

Have you ever heard of Al-Anon?

Do you see a therapist?

Do you see a psychiatrist?

It sounds like things are really tough with your husband right now. He sounds really mean.

What kind of things do you do for self care?



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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #41 on: November 13, 2015, 07:59:03 AM »

I've been to a therapist before and I didn't really feel comfortable enough going. I felt she just wanted me to take medication and that's not for me. I don't need medication, I need a normal husband. We also cannot afford much other than what my husband goes to. I read a lot of books and I scrapbook, it is my self care. Alone time really is my self care but I don't get much of it unless my husband is sleeping, which is the weekend basically.

Last night was pretty awful, he was starting crap even before I got home, I went and laid down in my room (I have a craft/dressing room). He came and apologized. He then started drinking, I didn't want to watch one of his stupid shows so he went off on me and I went to the other room and took a bath and just cried for entire time I was in there. I came back out and it wasn't any better so I just went to bed. I read his texts this morning to his family and they were pretty awful about me. Asked his cousin how to get ahold of an old girlfriend he had and then went on to say he needed to just find a prostitute. I didn't even make it to work before he started texting me hateful things. He didn't take his Valium yesterday which I think has something to do with how he is acting. He proclaims it makes him feel like crap but apparently coming off of it makes him unbearable. I just can't take this anymore. I don't feel physically threatened but emotionally I just can't take it anymore. He's never happy, he's never in a good mood, he's not helpful with anything. I'm working with someone who has given up. He hasn't been this extreme for a long time, it's making me wonder if he is Manic or something. I don't know what to think.
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #42 on: November 13, 2015, 09:35:06 AM »

I think he has finally calmed down thankfully. He's blaming it on his hate for cold weather 
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #43 on: November 13, 2015, 10:20:50 AM »

You should know by now that he will go up and down like this.

The question for you is how do you protect yourself from the dysregulation when it happens, keeping yourself more happy and sane until it is over... .however long he takes to get over it.
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« Reply #44 on: November 13, 2015, 10:38:04 AM »

Cloudy Days, have you heard of the term radical acceptance? I know you want a normal husband,  Smiling (click to insert in post) . I want things to be different in my relationship too.

 Also medication can help the non too. Many  non have ptsd from being in a relationship with a BPD . Medication can help ptsd.

I'm sorry things are so tough for you. 

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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #45 on: November 13, 2015, 10:53:40 AM »

He was more extreme this time than ususal. I hadn't seen this side of him since probably June of last year, not since he had been on medication. I limited my exposure to it, I went to bed way earlier than I usually do, he left me alone for the most part, at least I feel rested this morning. I don't see crying as a bad thing, I think releasing emotions is one of the best things you can do. It's much better than having anger about everything. I am not an angry person, I simply see the truth about things and try to accept it for what it is, the big picture in other words. I know he will have these ups and downs, he just hasn't been this extreme in a long time, it scares me as I thought those behaviors stopped. I still have PTSD from the past and things he did and I don't want to go back to that. I just don't want to be medicated, I don't feel it is for me. I do accept him, I thought we were past some of these behaviors. My comment about a normal husband I mainly just meant that if I had a normal husband I wouldn't need medication so why should I take them now.
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« Reply #46 on: November 13, 2015, 01:41:21 PM »

My comment about a normal husband I mainly just meant that if I had a normal husband I wouldn't need medication so why should I take them now.

I'm not going to say whether you do or do not need medications, or even whether they would be effective. That is a difficult and complicated choice, and I don't have the information to help. However the other part of this hit me.

One of my dear friends has a saying for this subject:

Excerpt
My life got so much better when I stopped arguing with reality.

You can argue with reality all you want to. You only lose 100% of the time, but if you like those odds, keep on playing.

You don't have a normal husband. You have a husband who suffers mental illness. That is your reality. Yes, it sucks. Yes, you wish you had a husband who didn't suffer that way. That is natural and normal.

Making life choices based on the husband you wish you had instead of the one you actually have isn't healthy. You can do it all you want, but you will lose 100% of the time. Guaranteed.

FYI this wisdom comes from a woman who spent nearly the first 50 years of her life arguing with reality. And losing. Every !@#$!@@# time.
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« Reply #47 on: November 13, 2015, 01:55:12 PM »

 

My .02cents. 

I was resistant to taking medication.  Lots of reasons. 

Many were valid.  I believe people should "exhaust" their options in talk therapy... .basically exhaust the non-medical options first... and then carefully start going through medication

I do know people that get prescribed two or three things at once... .no idea how you figure out which one worked.

In my case I was struggling with nightmares from PTSD... and some r/s issues.   That was affecting my sleep... .no sleep was bad for everything.

Prazosin is used to "knock down" the startle response and keep you asleep.  Works wonders.

I'm glad that I am "resistant" to taking drugs... .it forced me to go through my options... but when the option came to sleep or no sleep... I'm glad I took the drug.

Hope this helps.

FF
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #48 on: November 13, 2015, 02:16:59 PM »

I am not having any trouble sleeping, actually that is like my peaceful moment I look forward to every night, I sleep very good. Unless my husband went to sleep first (he snores very loud). I have been resistant to meds because I don't feel that a normal person should need them. My husband is disordered, I am handling him the best that I can, I don't really understand why a medication would make it any easier. I've seen my husband turn into a zombie, I have seen his sexual desire turn into nothing, I have seen him have tremors, his hands go numb peeing the bed and even nightmares because of the drugs he was on. I am all about keeping that stuff out of my body. And if I feel that I am suicidal or a basket case or that I can't handle my job or anything of that nature then maybe I will consider it. But right now I feel like I am having normal reactions to abnormal behavior. I may have PTSD but it's mainly when he shows the specific behaviors that have caused the PTSD and I excuse myself from his presence when that happens. Whether it is slamming something too hard or just yelling too loud I don't stick around for it. I honestly just don't want that poison in my body.
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« Reply #49 on: November 13, 2015, 02:41:55 PM »

Cloudy Days, I'm not trying to convince you to take any medications, and certainly not suggesting that the side effects are worth it for you to take the ones your husband has taken.

I don't think the idea that you are a normal person in an abnormal situation is very helpful... .unless you are planning to remove yourself from the abnormal situation.

You need to take care of yourself in the situation you are in, not the one you wish you were in.

I may have PTSD but it's mainly when he shows the specific behaviors that have caused the PTSD and I excuse myself from his presence when that happens. Whether it is slamming something too hard or just yelling too loud I don't stick around for it.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) This is a great way to handle those situations.

Do whatever you can and whatever you need to to in order to take good care of yourself. 
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« Reply #50 on: November 13, 2015, 03:02:25 PM »

 Medications can help those crisis times, but they can also become the too often go to safety blanket, to the point they block out the chaos around you, and the rest of life as well. many nons become addicted to valium, anti depressants and even alcohol to block out their reality as it hurts too much.

You are suffering emotional abuse. Currently you are "going to ground" in order to survive. It is near impossible to thrive while you are focused on survival. This leaves a feeling of hopelessness, being trapped and ultimately depression.

"Going to ground" has no consequences for your husband and in fact gives him clear space to soothe himself by going into victim mode without anything, or anyone, contradicting this.

I think it comes back to the often stated need for stronger boundaries, such as your safe zone not just crying in the bath, but away from it completely. While you can still hear, or even be aware, of the drama in the next room you can't let it go, you can't regroup. He is probably not even aware of you erecting a boundary, as he would if you had a "plan B place to be", so he sees no harm to him , and he always things of effects on him, or consequences. So it just repeats as a free shot next time.

Clearly your boundaries are not working for you as you are taking on emotional damage.

Acceptance of the fact iit is unlikely ever to be "normal' is important as it gets us away from "things will be ok if I just survive the current drama" mode. You need a bigger picture plan, which encompasses the reality, to lead you towards thriving.

Once your places of solitude become symbols have safety, they start to loose their reward status in your mind, as you are driven there rather than choose to go there out of personal recreation. They become your prison exercise yard rather than the great outdoors for you to have fun in.

Your world shrinks

The bottom line is getting back control of your life choices and not living by default. living by default you absorb unhealthy and live abnormal yourself without being aware of it. You loose perspective and have magical dreams about what you perceive normal should be. Normal has become alien, its on the other side of the fence, and its probably not what you think it is.
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« Reply #51 on: November 13, 2015, 06:33:48 PM »

My .02cents. 

I was resistant to taking medication.  Lots of reasons. 

Many were valid.  I believe people should "exhaust" their options in talk therapy... .basically exhaust the non-medical options first... and then carefully start going through medication

I do know people that get prescribed two or three things at once... .no idea how you figure out which one worked.

In my case I was struggling with nightmares from PTSD... and some r/s issues.   That was affecting my sleep... .no sleep was bad for everything.

Prazosin is used to "knock down" the startle response and keep you asleep.  Works wonders.

I'm glad that I am "resistant" to taking drugs... .it forced me to go through my options... but when the option came to sleep or no sleep... I'm glad I took the drug.

Hope this helps.

FF

Yes I too take two medications for ptsd, recently I started retaking a night time to help me sleep and help my symptoms at night as the sleep aids were not working. I know for myself with my ptsd that adding this second drug into mix has already proved to be helpful, I'm on day 2 of it and no dysregulations from my partner. I had stopped taking this drug before I met him so we will see if it makes a difference for me. All of the people in my life are difficult: parents, sibling, ex, partner, child; so for me taking medication is pretty helpful. In fact, I would say that since taking this medication, I'm beginning to see how negative my father is, and perhaps that is due to clarity of mind.

(Sorry for jumping on the original poster's thread!)

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« Reply #52 on: November 13, 2015, 06:37:58 PM »

I am not having any trouble sleeping, actually that is like my peaceful moment I look forward to every night, I sleep very good. Unless my husband went to sleep first (he snores very loud). I have been resistant to meds because I don't feel that a normal person should need them. My husband is disordered, I am handling him the best that I can, I don't really understand why a medication would make it any easier. I've seen my husband turn into a zombie, I have seen his sexual desire turn into nothing, I have seen him have tremors, his hands go numb peeing the bed and even nightmares because of the drugs he was on. I am all about keeping that stuff out of my body. And if I feel that I am suicidal or a basket case or that I can't handle my job or anything of that nature then maybe I will consider it. But right now I feel like I am having normal reactions to abnormal behavior. I may have PTSD but it's mainly when he shows the specific behaviors that have caused the PTSD and I excuse myself from his presence when that happens. Whether it is slamming something too hard or just yelling too loud I don't stick around for it. I honestly just don't want that poison in my body.

Cloudy Days, it is your choice to take drugs or not. It is interesting that your therapist recommended you take drugs. That is not usual, since therapists can not prescribe drugs only psychiatrists can.

I can tell you for myself having ptsd as a result of being the child of people with personality disorders as well as the wife of a person with a personality disorder that the decision to take drugs was one of the best things I ever did for myself.

I was not on medication in my first marriage, and my first husband had traits of ASPD and it was very difficult. I can only imagine what a difference medication would have made, but he is very anti-medication and very pro-marijuana, and that ultimately led to the demise of the marriage. The ironic thing is my father was the same way.

That is an individual choice and for me it took becoming a divorced parent to bring me to my knees and make me willing to go on medication. I could handle life to that point, and that was my breaking point.
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« Reply #53 on: November 13, 2015, 10:34:12 PM »

Staff only

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