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Author Topic: What was my trigger?  (Read 851 times)
alwaysloving
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« on: November 05, 2015, 06:36:52 PM »

So this is the crazy thing... 24 hours later she was nice talking on the phone... 48 hours later video chatting and I sent her a sexual video which turned her on... Now day before yesterday she got very drunk... called me early in the morning and we talked for about 30 min and most of it was her feeling bad about drinking and how shes never going to drink again and so on and she went on to say it's never going to happen again (she called her ex) but she wanted to tell me it's never going to happen again... So I said ok I trust you.

Now today totally different... it start off with her saying morning and and so on. but around 1 PM shes like ":)id you tell your mother that we are in a relationship?" And that's when I knew whatever answer I gave was going to set her off... I told her I said we are just talking and she's like "We are not" Now... I stopped to think about how she responded to my texts and videos... first of all she tells me shes horny and she could use some oral sex... so I send her a picture and shes like I don't like hair... now the next day she flips out because I said we are just talking... Now mind you she get really cranky and started saying I'm just coming over to your house for Thanksgiving because I see you as a really good friend blah blah... after Thanksgiving this will be the last time you will see me and I want you to respect my wishes. Again mind you 3 days before shes like I need you here... So after I got her to be relaxed by validating and saying We can be friends and it wont happen again she said OK thanks.

This is why I don't believe that shes going to not just go away some terms she used hinted at it's still open and she with just OK and not complaining about much of anything else.

Another thing is I don't understand how she says she wants to just be friends but yet she tells me oh guess what I'm doing? I'm masturbating or she will video chat showing that she is... I don't get that.
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« Reply #1 on: November 06, 2015, 09:36:13 PM »

It represents how she feels at that moment.  Here emotions change much more rapidly that ours do.

FF
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« Reply #2 on: November 07, 2015, 04:00:16 AM »

It represents how she feels at that moment.  Here emotions change much more rapidly that ours do.

FF

the night before last she sent me a text while I was sleep asking where in NY would I want to live, i guess she was expecting me to say where she lives which I knew was going to trigger so I played it safe and just said near a highway.
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« Reply #3 on: November 07, 2015, 08:27:14 AM »

It represents how she feels at that moment.  Here emotions change much more rapidly that ours do.

FF

the night before last she sent me a text while I was sleep asking where in NY would I want to live, i guess she was expecting me to say where she lives which I knew was going to trigger so I played it safe and just said near a highway.

I think you are overthinking your responses. 

If you think you need to avoid an answer... .say you are not sure and need to give it some serious thought... .

FF
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« Reply #4 on: November 07, 2015, 03:19:52 PM »

It represents how she feels at that moment.  Here emotions change much more rapidly that ours do.

FF

the night before last she sent me a text while I was sleep asking where in NY would I want to live, i guess she was expecting me to say where she lives which I knew was going to trigger so I played it safe and just said near a highway.

I think you are overthinking your responses. 

If you think you need to avoid an answer... .say you are not sure and need to give it some serious thought... .

FF

Maybe I was overthinking... I sent her a picture of the sunrise from this morning and she said good afternoon and asked how I was doing and how was work pretty much normal right now
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« Reply #5 on: November 08, 2015, 05:03:10 PM »

pretty much normal right now

The key is for you to stay this way... .when she starts zigging and zagging... .

Not reacting will help her get back to baseline a bit quicker.

FF
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« Reply #6 on: November 09, 2015, 10:15:31 PM »

pretty much normal right now

The key is for you to stay this way... .when she starts zigging and zagging... .

Not reacting will help her get back to baseline a bit quicker.

FF

Ok
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« Reply #7 on: November 10, 2015, 04:11:22 AM »

As FF says, if you dont have a natural and truthful answer dont be pushed into second guessing what might be appropriate to avoid triggering. The 'need' to keep looking for triggers wont go away and you need to learn to diffuse them otherwise you will go into JADE mode and be pushed into saying something you are not confident about.

ie if you keep running to stay ahead sooner or later you will trip up, and at the same time you set a precedent for her to chase you until you do. Best not to start running in the first place.
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alwaysloving
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« Reply #8 on: November 11, 2015, 07:58:05 AM »

So I guess I'm about to be painted black...

I don't understand what's the point of wanting to come to thanksgiving dinner but telling me this will be the last time you will see me and you don't want to remain friends.
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« Reply #9 on: November 11, 2015, 10:57:23 AM »

So I guess I'm about to be painted black...

I don't understand what's the point of wanting to come to thanksgiving dinner but telling me this will be the last time you will see me and you don't want to remain friends.

There is likely not a point that you will understand....

I used to make the mistake of trying to "logically" work through the distortions that came out of her mouth.  And I would grow quite frustrated that I couldn't connect the dots... .and usually that involved me trying to convince her that she wasn't making sense.

I say this because my guess is that somewhere in your mind... .you want to understand... .so you can help her understand that she is wrong... .unreasonable... .or whatever.  That was the case for me.

Step 1... .stop trying to convince her or figure out ways to convince her that she is not making sense.

Step 2... .stop trying to figure out crazy things.

Step 3... .take stock of all the extra time and energy you have now that you are not spending it on  steps 1 & 2.

Step 4... .decide to spend that time and energy on a quality activity for you... .like fishing!


FF

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« Reply #10 on: November 11, 2015, 12:26:36 PM »

But I guess what I'm asking is why does she still want to come for thanksgiving but after that in her words never wants to see me or talk to me again? I don't put much thought into it since I've seen it happen before but it seems like she's more sure this time it just seems pointless
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« Reply #11 on: November 11, 2015, 12:29:10 PM »

Doesn't want to be alone on Thanksgiving?
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« Reply #12 on: December 06, 2015, 10:55:46 AM »

Ok I wont try to make this long but long story short she never came on Thanksgiving... she tried to say she had to work on that day but I called her job on a day I knew she was not working and they told me they would be closed... she still tried to tell me she was working and all and by sending me a picture of her work schedule... seemed a little shocked I called her job but I never responded to her when she asked if I called or not...

OK she got a watch for my birthday which is $275 and she went around asking friends about it and her mother got word of it and her friends and mother was wondering who and why is she spending all this money for someone... Her friends said that's something you get a special person... OK so my mother came around we were to meet up that night but I got in late so the next morning we hung out... .she asked me what I wanted to do and we went out to eat... Well of course (she told me this around thanksgiving day) I may not want to be your girl but that does not mean we can't be friends... So after lunch we drove around and as you know she got sexual again... I hinted at that I needed to call the hotel to see if my room was ready and to check in... she was ready to hop out of the car so I dropped her off... Now maybe 2 hours later she texts me saying we should have sex... and shes like no strings attached right? So I agreed... long story short she complains that she is taking antibiotics for a UTI and shes just coming off her period and shes very sensitive... so she claims she was ready (I was not coming out unless she was 100% sure) but in the end I heard the same story about being on her period... I wished I had $5 for each time she said that...

SO... more recent I asked her if she wanted to see the tree lighting and she told me she was going to be at work and she said sorry boo... And 5 min later she says so Mike I have a boyfriend now it just happened ! Then she went on to say but you know how I get with a range of emotioncon from excited to sad to embarrassed... so I said yeah... and she sends a wink... so I'm trying to get my watch from her and shes like I don't know when she said she had a date that night which she did as I saw on the guy's page (very suggestive picture) she called me mid afternoon but I never called her back... I was wondering what she wanted... last time I called her back she never called back but when I asked her about it she said it was nothing... a person was telling me she was just calling because of wanting me to validate her object permanence issues?
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« Reply #13 on: December 10, 2015, 11:29:55 PM »

Wow from the stuff she posts she makes it sound like she don't have BPD at all she finally posts a picture of them together on her facebook page and on the page she was like she finally let someone in... ? I'm confused so what was it for everyone else? Because the guy already has kids or did he buy you a bunch of stuff? it feels like another knife to the heart!
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« Reply #14 on: December 11, 2015, 10:22:20 AM »

May I ask what level of commitment there is in your relationship?
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« Reply #15 on: December 11, 2015, 06:29:18 PM »

May I ask what level of commitment there is in your relationship?

I was 100% committed... .I'm typing this in a sort of angry mood because it's all just baffling to me... .

she told me things like she does not B.S. around when it comes to relationships and all told me things like shes not ready/ wants her freedom, does not want to always have to plan to make time... but what does she do out of the blue (mind you after stringing me for sex but never gave it) tells me she has a boyfriend and says you know how I get... and while she did not post right away she did finally post his picture of him and her on her facebook but after 31 likes she finally removed it and he removed his... I felt so small, all that stuff she said is what makes me upset... she took her dating profile down on Nov 28th... and told me on tuesday that she had a boyfriend... I have her on whatsapp so I can see how often she would log in and chat... now before this guy (could of been taking to him for awhile) she would be on often like a few times a day... but now that she says shes with him shes hardly on it maybe once or three times a day...

Mind you this girl told me I was the only one she wanted to be with holding my hand and all but then splitting but then calling me one day and telling me she wanted to see me and I better be at her job at such and such time... .hung out that night and so on... but this guy comes along and now she says she loves him at least one picture kissing and the other them looking at each other... how painful because I still picture myself with her holding my hand and rubbing my neck and us singing in the car...

The fact that she said "It just happened and you know how I get with a whole range of faces from excited to sad to embarrassed... she wants to keep me as a friend which I assume I would be second in line... .

but just that same day on Nov 28th she was saying stuff like I was looking for a 2 bedroom apartment for us... US... .

But the crazy thing is now for how it seems shes acting like a non BPD... she finally took down her dating profile (I would of loved to see how he made her do that!) and shes not signing in online always taking about being single anymore... Now while she did have the picture up of them on her facebook page she has since then took it down and I don't know if the mother made her do it or the load of guys on her hidden friends list is bombarding her with messages.
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« Reply #16 on: December 11, 2015, 06:38:59 PM »

I am very sorry you got so hurt. It sounds like she was the one who wasn't committed. Did you ask her up front if she was interested in a committed relationship?
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« Reply #17 on: December 11, 2015, 06:46:04 PM »

I am very sorry you got so hurt. It sounds like she was the one who wasn't committed. Did you ask her up front if she was interested in a committed relationship?

yep I did and she said she was serious... she played around to the very end... but I don't get how a pwBPD can act like a nonBPD it's the part that's so confusing now... when I was with her as soon as i got home she was right back on the dating site or she would do stuff like I know send nude pics to other guys she would say sexual things to me but never back them up she always had a excuse... the first time we met she kissed me with in 15 min and later said I was moving too fast but when it was her that started it.

I'm not sure if she's in the love bombing stage or what the same night that she took her profile down she wanted sex with no strings attached but again it never followed through
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« Reply #18 on: December 11, 2015, 07:52:30 PM »

So this is an improving thread. Do you know where you stand on your own sexual boundaries?
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« Reply #19 on: December 12, 2015, 12:00:50 AM »

So this is an improving thread. Do you know where you stand on your own sexual boundaries?

It's not me! shes dating this new guy but all the other time she was telling me things like she did not want to be in a relationship to be held down and to have to always make time to plan but that's what she is doing down but all the other time she was playing and stringing me along with other guys.
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« Reply #20 on: December 12, 2015, 12:18:33 AM »

So what would you like to get out of the relationship now? It seems like she is unavailable. I wasn't saying it was you, I was asking if there was anything that might have left you vulnerable to a person with BPD. Speaking from my own experience, I definitely let things happen too fast, I can only say that in hindsight. It is said that people with BPD Rush into relationships too quickly. People with BPD think feelings are facts. Have you done much reading in the lessons? Forgive me for not knowing much about your story. It sounds like you're having a really hard time. I'm sorry. 
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« Reply #21 on: December 12, 2015, 12:29:10 AM »

So what would you like to get out of the relationship now? It seems like she is unavailable. I wasn't saying it was you, I was asking if there was anything that might have left you vulnerable to a person with BPD. Speaking from my own experience, I definitely let things happen too fast, I can only say that in hindsight. It is said that people with BPD Rush into relationships too quickly. People with BPD think feelings are facts. Have you done much reading in the lessons? Forgive me for not knowing much about your story. It sounds like you're having a really hard time. I'm sorry. 

I wanted a relationship... she would tell me so many times that she was not ready for one or she did not want to have to make time to plan if we wanted to do things together... she was always saying she had dreams about me cheating on her and I told her I never would do that and to stop thinking those thoughts... she would hold my hand and say I love you but don't say it back to me... She told me you are the only one I want to be with and to have a family with... and the same night we met up she talked about getting a apartment for us a 2 bedroom which was odd since that's very expensive in NYC.

I've did countless searching on BPD at least 3 months now and I have the walking on eggshells book to read, I just don't understand why and how... .it was like she was just stringing guys along until this guy came free... each time I see the picture of the two of them my skin gets hot and I feel like I'm going to go in a rage.
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« Reply #22 on: December 12, 2015, 12:37:06 AM »

So what would you like to get out of the relationship now? It seems like she is unavailable. I wasn't saying it was you, I was asking if there was anything that might have left you vulnerable to a person with BPD. Speaking from my own experience, I definitely let things happen too fast, I can only say that in hindsight. It is said that people with BPD Rush into relationships too quickly. People with BPD think feelings are facts. Have you done much reading in the lessons? Forgive me for not knowing much about your story. It sounds like you're having a really hard time. I'm sorry. 

I wanted a relationship... she would tell me so many times that she was not ready for one or she did not want to have to make time to plan if we wanted to do things together... she was always saying she had dreams about me cheating on her and I told her I never would do that and to stop thinking those thoughts... she would hold my hand and say I love you but don't say it back to me... She told me you are the only one I want to be with and to have a family with... and the same night we met up she talked about getting a apartment for us a 2 bedroom which was odd since that's very expensive in NYC.

I've did countless searching on BPD at least 3 months now and I have the walking on eggshells book to read, I just don't understand why and how... .it was like she was just stringing guys along until this guy came free... each time I see the picture of the two of them my skin gets hot and I feel like I'm going to go in a rage.

So may I ask what the nature of the relationship is now? Do you see each other or talk on the phone?
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« Reply #23 on: December 12, 2015, 12:39:40 AM »

So what would you like to get out of the relationship now? It seems like she is unavailable. I wasn't saying it was you, I was asking if there was anything that might have left you vulnerable to a person with BPD. Speaking from my own experience, I definitely let things happen too fast, I can only say that in hindsight. It is said that people with BPD Rush into relationships too quickly. People with BPD think feelings are facts. Have you done much reading in the lessons? Forgive me for not knowing much about your story. It sounds like you're having a really hard time. I'm sorry. 

I wanted a relationship... she would tell me so many times that she was not ready for one or she did not want to have to make time to plan if we wanted to do things together... she was always saying she had dreams about me cheating on her and I told her I never would do that and to stop thinking those thoughts... she would hold my hand and say I love you but don't say it back to me... She told me you are the only one I want to be with and to have a family with... and the same night we met up she talked about getting a apartment for us a 2 bedroom which was odd since that's very expensive in NYC.

I've did countless searching on BPD at least 3 months now and I have the walking on eggshells book to read, I just don't understand why and how... .it was like she was just stringing guys along until this guy came free... each time I see the picture of the two of them my skin gets hot and I feel like I'm going to go in a rage.

So may I ask what the nature of the relationship is now? Do you see each other or talk on the phone?

right now no... but she has a gift she has of mine last I know of she wanted to mail it to me when I asked but then it changed to me wanting to come pick it up... now I'm sure it's going to be mail again... I do notice when she gets rid of a guy she ends up calling me or texting me... That's how I know things are not going well and I feel she does that to use me as a ego boost but not to be in a relationship with me.
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« Reply #24 on: December 12, 2015, 01:09:48 AM »

It sounds like you have a good understanding of the disorder and the relationship. What is it you would like to get from her in terms of needs met at this point in time? (Please excuse the awkward grammar, it's late)
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« Reply #25 on: December 12, 2015, 01:15:44 AM »

It sounds like you have a good understanding of the disorder and the relationship. What is it you would like to get from her in terms of needs met at this point in time? (Please excuse the awkward grammar, it's late)

I would say relationship but right now that's not a good idea... I'd say friendship... but I have a question... say this relationship fails wont it be that much harder for her to be this close like shes with this guy now? I feel like I wasted 8 months.

I mean she told me things like she had to find herself and explore...
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« Reply #26 on: December 12, 2015, 02:42:50 AM »

Being this close with this guy is her perception at the moment, if it fails she will rewrite that persepctive
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« Reply #27 on: December 12, 2015, 06:03:58 AM »

Being this close with this guy is her perception at the moment, if it fails she will rewrite that persepctive

This is just me but I see these all as red flags to me

1. Waiting for the month to be over so soon

2. Told me via text that you know how I get  Smiling (click to insert in post) :D Smiling (click to insert in post) :P :-\ :-X :blink: I responded yeah... and Smiling (click to insert in post) and she responded  :P

3. She took down the pictures of him and her I love you on his page and pictures on her wall on FB

4. Still says shes single on FB

5. Still has a picture of herself on Whatsapp and not them together.

6. She tags him is things but he never responds
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« Reply #28 on: December 12, 2015, 10:27:11 AM »

So what would you like to get out of the relationship now? It seems like she is unavailable. I wasn't saying it was you, I was asking if there was anything that might have left you vulnerable to a person with BPD. Speaking from my own experience, I definitely let things happen too fast, I can only say that in hindsight. It is said that people with BPD Rush into relationships too quickly. People with BPD think feelings are facts. Have you done much reading in the lessons? Forgive me for not knowing much about your story. It sounds like you're having a really hard time. I'm sorry. 

I wanted a relationship... she would tell me so many times that she was not ready for one or she did not want to have to make time to plan if we wanted to do things together... she was always saying she had dreams about me cheating on her and I told her I never would do that and to stop thinking those thoughts... she would hold my hand and say I love you but don't say it back to me... She told me you are the only one I want to be with and to have a family with... and the same night we met up she talked about getting a apartment for us a 2 bedroom which was odd since that's very expensive in NYC.

I've did countless searching on BPD at least 3 months now and I have the walking on eggshells book to read, I just don't understand why and how... .it was like she was just stringing guys along until this guy came free... each time I see the picture of the two of them my skin gets hot and I feel like I'm going to go in a rage.

So may I ask what the nature of the relationship is now? Do you see each other or talk on the phone?

right now no... but she has a gift she has of mine last I know of she wanted to mail it to me when I asked but then it changed to me wanting to come pick it up... now I'm sure it's going to be mail again... I do notice when she gets rid of a guy she ends up calling me or texting me... That's how I know things are not going well and I feel she does that to use me as a ego boost but not to be in a relationship with me.

So this is the watch she got you for your birthday I take it?  You still haven't got it?  Seems like bait now... .carrot on a stick?
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« Reply #29 on: December 12, 2015, 12:27:49 PM »

It sounds like you have a good understanding of the disorder and the relationship. What is it you would like to get from her in terms of needs met at this point in time? (Please excuse the awkward grammar, it's late)

I would say relationship but right now that's not a good idea... I'd say friendship... but I have a question... say this relationship fails wont it be that much harder for her to be this close like shes with this guy now? I feel like I wasted 8 months.

I mean she told me things like she had to find herself and explore...

Do you think it's helping yourself to compare yourself to the other guys or the other relationships?

From where I sit it doesn't look like she's available for much of anything. Has she actually expressed a desire to be in a relationship with you?
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Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

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Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



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