How can I manage my anger about him being irresponsible about little things?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Thank you, Grey Kitty and formflier. It's caught me by surprise to feel so low energy these last few days. Usually when he's out of town I'm really excited to do all sorts of projects because I don't have to make dinner or put up with his BPD crap. (I sound kinda harsh, but lately he's been much easier to be around. I attribute that to changing myself based upon what I've learned here and in counseling.)

That's a good suggestion, GK, to just allow myself to feel what I feel. I've got a tremendous amount of will power and energy (usually) so I typically just power through things. Something that occurs to me is that I'm still grieving the loss of a friend who died at a relatively young age a month ago.

He was a handyman and I met him over 15 years ago. When my ex-husband and I bought the property nearly 30 years ago, there was nothing here--no road, no well, no septic. We basically camped out for years in a little travel trailer without electricity and together we built a little building in the garden we called the teahouse.

After a few years I realized that, in addition to the DV, infidelity and financial mismanagement, that he was all talk and no action, I divorced him. Then I started a variety of building projects: a small house, a detached office, an addition to the barn that he and I had partially completed.

Other than dealing with contractors and doing a lot of work myself, I met P., the handyman and he and I did numerous building projects together: fences, interior finishes, electrical, plumbing, etc.

We became good friends and he was always there for me whenever I had a problem that I couldn't figure out on my own. My husband also grew very fond of him.

Formflier, thanks for the reminder about the love languages. Like you, I'm an "act of service" person and I would suspect that my husband is more of the verbal affirmation type, but I think I'll ask him to take the quiz. For me, words without action are empty and over time, just sound like BS.

With this in mind, I realize that I feel a deep loss with P.'s death. There was never anything inappropriate between us (he was a very devout Christian and we were worlds apart in lots of ways) but in some ways he filled a "husband-ish" role that my husband could never do. We had a meeting of the minds and an understanding of how fun and interesting it is to find solutions to practical problems.

FF, I've totally backed off saying anything that possibly could be interpreted by my husband as "critical" after his comments like: "All you do is criticize." I realize that is the black and white thinking of BPD, but it was an interesting exercise for me to really examine whether there was a grain of truth there.

So now, I feel like I have the emotional bank account where I could actually make some requests around the kitchen. I think I now understand ways to do that which would not be as invalidating as my previously upfront style.

I don't think I've been walking on eggshells so much as trying to be strategic and avoid conflicts. However, that too can be exhausting. I've recently had the experience where I see things starting to go bad and I can redirect the energy and fix it. It's much like when I ride my young mare and I see her ears start to flatten and her neck tense. I know if I don't intervene, she will try to bite my gelding that a friend is riding. So I do something to distract her and then she forgets about it.

[Cat Familiar]

Thank you, Grey Kitty and formflier. It's caught me by surprise to feel so low energy these last few days. Usually when he's out of town I'm really excited to do all sorts of projects because I don't have to make dinner or put up with his BPD crap. (I sound kinda harsh, but lately he's been much easier to be around. I attribute that to changing myself based upon what I've learned here and in counseling.)

That's a good suggestion, GK, to just allow myself to feel what I feel. I've got a tremendous amount of will power and energy (usually) so I typically just power through things. Something that occurs to me is that I'm still grieving the loss of a friend who died at a relatively young age a month ago.

He was a handyman and I met him over 15 years ago. When my ex-husband and I bought the property nearly 30 years ago, there was nothing here--no road, no well, no septic. We basically camped out for years in a little travel trailer without electricity and together we built a little building in the garden we called the teahouse.

After a few years I realized that, in addition to the DV, infidelity and financial mismanagement, that he was all talk and no action, I divorced him. Then I started a variety of building projects: a small house, a detached office, an addition to the barn that he and I had partially completed.

Other than dealing with contractors and doing a lot of work myself, I met P., the handyman and he and I did numerous building projects together: fences, interior finishes, electrical, plumbing, etc.

We became good friends and he was always there for me whenever I had a problem that I couldn't figure out on my own. My husband also grew very fond of him.

Formflier, thanks for the reminder about the love languages. Like you, I'm an "act of service" person and I would suspect that my husband is more of the verbal affirmation type, but I think I'll ask him to take the quiz. For me, words without action are empty and over time, just sound like BS.

With this in mind, I realize that I feel a deep loss with P.'s death. There was never anything inappropriate between us (he was a very devout Christian and we were worlds apart in lots of ways) but in some ways he filled a "husband-ish" role that my husband could never do. We had a meeting of the minds and an understanding of how fun and interesting it is to find solutions to practical problems.

FF, I've totally backed off saying anything that possibly could be interpreted by my husband as "critical" after his comments like: "All you do is criticize." I realize that is the black and white thinking of BPD, but it was an interesting exercise for me to really examine whether there was a grain of truth there.

So now, I feel like I have the emotional bank account where I could actually make some requests around the kitchen. I think I now understand ways to do that which would not be as invalidating as my previously upfront style.

I don't think I've been walking on eggshells so much as trying to be strategic and avoid conflicts. However, that too can be exhausting. I've recently had the experience where I see things starting to go bad and I can redirect the energy and fix it. It's much like when I ride my young mare and I see her ears start to flatten and her neck tense. I know if I don't intervene, she will try to bite my gelding that a friend is riding. So I do something to distract her and then she forgets about it.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

  Losing a good supporter and friend like that is hard, and it can really take it out of you. Especially if your life has a shortage of good supportive people in it.

Ain't it amazing what comes up when you let yourself just have moods and feelings?

[waverider]

I don't think I've been walking on eggshells so much as trying to be strategic and avoid conflicts. However, that too can be exhausting. I've recently had the experience where I see things starting to go bad and I can redirect the energy and fix it. It's much like when I ride my young mare and I see her ears start to flatten and her neck tense. I know if I don't intervene, she will try to bite my gelding that a friend is riding. So I do something to distract her and then she forgets about it.

The tools here really start to pay off once they become a natural part of who you are and you don't feel like you are having to think too hard about using them. Its certainly less exhausting, and if they don't work you can just shrug and move on as you know you have done your best.

[formflier]

  "All you do is criticize." 

Instead of changing behavior to accommodate this... .maybe focus on validation... .perhaps even agree with a wink and a nod.

"Yes I do... .please wipe up those crumbs and shut the fridge door"  Give him swat on the rear and tell him that since he left the cover to the hot tub open... .you'll be getting naked and waiting on him in there... .



FF

[Cat Familiar]

 Losing a good supporter and friend like that is hard, and it can really take it out of you. Especially if your life has a shortage of good supportive people in it.

Ain't it amazing what comes up when you let yourself just have moods and feelings?

Yes, it is amazing to let myself feel my feelings. All my life I've had pwBPD whose feelings trumped mine because they were so flamboyant. I've always felt like I was strong enough to get by and that I had to attend to them because they were so unstable (classic codependent stance). It's nice to give my feelings the attention they deserve and it's a lot easier with my husband out of town. I'll have to work on that when he returns. I deserve to have feelings too! 

Having the friendship I had with my handyman was like having a second dad, even though he wasn't much older than me. My bio dad was always trying to teach me about building and home repair, but as a young person, I wasn't at all interested, though I absorbed some knowledge through osmosis, I guess.

P. taught me how to think strategically and to figure out a variety of strategies rather than going with the first idea that popped into my head. It was a great example of that concept of "teaching a person to fish" rather than giving them fish.


waverider, I'm getting more creative with some of the tools, now that I know more about why they work. At first, just trying to use them felt a bit clunky and my husband has a sixth sense about when I'm trying to use a "technique" on him. Bit by bit, I'm starting to integrate some of this and it certainly helps with all my communications. I'm so glad to have found BPD family!


formflier, I love your sense of humor! And I have nothing to lose by agreeing with him that I'm critical because at times I am and that's just who I am. If it's not a trigger for me, calling me that completely loses its power. I'll think of ways I can play with that because I'm sure it will come up in the future. "You call me critical. I'd prefer discerning. That's why I'm with you." 

[Grey Kitty]

Yes, it is amazing to let myself feel my feelings. All my life I've had pwBPD whose feelings trumped mine because they were so flamboyant. I've always felt like I was strong enough to get by and that I had to attend to them because they were so unstable (classic codependent stance). It's nice to give my feelings the attention they deserve and it's a lot easier with my husband out of town. I'll have to work on that when he returns. I deserve to have feelings too! 

Yes. THIS.

There is this thing that happens to the non in a BPD relationship, where their feelings are so big and out of control that they kinda remove all the oxygen from the entire room. You are so focused on THEIR feelings that you never even notice yours. (Ask me how I know!)

And when you start to develop some boundaries, and it gets better managed... .eventually there is this amazing time when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, you have feelings. And it is weird 'cuz they are ALL OVER THE MAP in a lot of cases.

Or that one time where you have the emotional meltdown (probably not abusive or lashing out at your partner) and they are the one to support you as you are going through difficult feelings. I remember having that experience, and both me and my wife being amazed that there was room for me to have feelings like that.

[Cat Familiar]

There is this thing that happens to the non in a BPD relationship, where their feelings are so big and out of control that they kinda remove all the oxygen from the entire room. You are so focused on THEIR feelings that you never even notice yours. (Ask me how I know!)

And when you start to develop some boundaries, and it gets better managed... .eventually there is this amazing time when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, you have feelings. And it is weird 'cuz they are ALL OVER THE MAP in a lot of cases.

It's interesting to observe some of these patterns now that I have better boundaries. Case in point: I'm getting roped into giving a deposition in a civil lawsuit about a construction issue. My husband, the former attorney, had received a phone call from the plaintiff's attorney as a courtesy call, even though the side asking for my deposition is the defendant's. He thought the deposition might be a fishing expedition, designed to implicate us, so he asked the plaintiff's attorney to represent me in the deposition.

At the time, I thought that was a little weird, but since he's an attorney, I trusted his opinion.

Until yesterday. I got a call from the attorney's secretary and I realized that it was most likely a fishing expedition on part of the plaintiff. I think if they don't prevail against the defendant that they may likely come after me, even though I have no involvement in the issue, other than paying for the delivery of an excavator to a job site where it was destroyed. (It was a favor for a neighbor who is a heavy equipment operator who did some work for us.)

Alarm bells went off in my head and I called my husband and told him "No f*#ing way am I going to have this guy represent me. He is merely seeking information to bolster his case. It's a complete conflict of interest."

I was so adamant that my husband thought I was mad at him. "No, I said, just determined not to tell this guy anything."

It was so peculiar because my husband talked about meeting with him when he returned home. I told him, "No, we're not going to tell him anything other than thanks, but no thanks. And in the meantime I'm going to look for a lawyer with a litigation background."

I couldn't believe it. What happened to my husband's legal mind? A few years of retirement and he's not thinking. I asked him what he told this lawyer when he talked with him earlier and I couldn't believe that he was deceived the way he was.  

[formflier]

 

If you are doing them a favor... .a middle ground would be to have them submit the questions they would like to depose you on to you for review.

And you will consider it.

If it matters... .they will subpoena you.

Don't be afraid to make them work for it and much cheaper for you to get an attorney to review the written questions and your written answers... than to show up at a deposition.

Right now... I've got more lawyers hired for me than ever in my life... .sucks a$$ bigtime... . 

Very like a couple things I am litigating (plaintiff on) will go to court...

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Thank you formflier, that is a great idea. 

I've got a call into our homeowners insurance agency owner and will talk with her about possibly providing legal representation. My husband had called her a couple of weeks ago and then got irritated when she didn't return the call on the same day. She did leave a message shortly afterwards, saying that she was out of town, attending a week-long business seminar. I found out yesterday that he was unaware of that and never followed up.

He spoke about the situation with a law school buddy, but no one suggested a practical alternative solution like you have.

The most shocking part of all of this is that until yesterday, I trusted his legal instincts. Now I absolutely don't. He apologized for not paying more attention to this because he was too busy planning his week long vacation in New York City--a place that I refuse to go because I don't like crowds.

I'm really sorry you're involved in numerous legal situations. It really does suck and it's a tremendous money burner.

[formflier]

It really does suck and it's a tremendous money burner.

I find that if you look for solutions to minimize billing... .they usually turn out to be practical.

Even better if it forces the other side to do more work!   

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Formflier, I want to thank you for your suggestion about contacting the attorney who wants to depose me.  (My husband didn't think I'd be able to get any info from them, but I did.) The lawyer didn't give me a list of questions he planned to ask, but he did give me an overview of the lawsuit, so I don't think there's any chance of his side trying to go after me. And if they do, we are covered by the same homeowner's insurance company as the defendant--so they're not going to sue themselves.

Now, the plaintiff's attorney is a different story. I found a litigation attorney and relayed the story to him and he thought my instincts were right--that the plaintiff is seeking additional people he could sue. I've been astonished at how dumb my husband was to disclose as much as he did. (I told this attorney that my husband "gave away the store" to the plaintiff's attorney.)

I'm going to have the litigator accompany me to the deposition, though my homeowner's insurance agency owner didn't think it was necessary. She said she's been in many depositions and is always advised to answer questions only with: YES, NO and for the ones you can't answer with either, I DO NOT RECALL.

Just like a pwBPD to inflate a situation, my husband has been stressing about this for weeks. The odd thing is that he never followed up when he asked the Defendent's attorney for a copy of the Complaint and the Response. Today I followed up and got both those things emailed to me as well as the email from the attorney describing the lawsuit. Then I found a litigator and explained the situation and forwarded all that stuff to him. He told me that since no documents were requested in the deposition that I don't have to bring receipts, cancelled checks or any of that stuff that the plaintiff's attorney had told my husband to find.

I was totally being set up by the plaintiff's attorney and my husband was so oblivious, he was helping. I'm still in shock about that. I'm a former reporter and it seems I've got better legal instincts than my husband, who practiced law for a couple of decades.