Establishing new boundaries

[chocolate_cheezy]

Hello.

I am SO relieved to found this place where there's useful information and others with similar situations in dealing with someone who may or been diagnosed with BPD. My spouse of 2.5 years (I am 95% sure) suffers from BPD. All the classic signs are there, with a touch of narcissism for added effect. Others think he's great. But get him alone and he's a whole other person.    Charisma to PURE EVIL!


My situation is a little different as I am dealing with a man who is incarcerated = due to his bad decision making, criminal activity and an inability to learn from his mistakes. Just for clarity, we have a long history, we grew up on the same street as children. We communicated for 9 yrs prior to getting married. I should have ran before tying the knot, but as a new Christian I feel compelled to keep my vows. Unfortunately there are no programs to treat people with BPD in prison. He has literally memorized the anger management program, the counselors and prison staff are gassed by his intelligence motivation and manipulative charisma. They are convinced he's on the way to success, they treat him with up-most respect. Shake his hand and tell me what a great guy he is. Geez, if they only knew.

When we met (again) 12 yrs ago I had little to no self esteem. I let him walk all over me from day 1. At the time I was not sure who I was but needed a stable life after a lifetime of instability. I am finally learning I am worthy to be respected. I was physically and sexually abused as a child and didn't know that I deserved better. Until now.

I have just started sticking to my boundaries;

no put-downs

no yelling or cussing

no name calling

no manipulation

no control tactics

no financial dependency

no physical abuse

etc.

This isn't going very well. I am inundated w/ constant phone calls, yelling and name calling, etc. I hang up the phone when he becomes verbally abusive, let it go to voicemail when he's raging. The next day I answer again, but within minutes it starts all over again. I don't blame him for not taking me seriously. Today, my phone is turned off again. My voicemail is 100% full for the 100th time.

I sent him the book "I hate you, don't leave me" but when he gets it in the mail it will probably just piss him off and I can just see him throwing it in the trash before he even opens the cover. I can try. But I'm exhausted.

Thanks for listening.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

Welcome! You've found a community here that understands what you've been through, and will support you. (I even recall one member having their spouse incarcerated a while ago. You probably aren't alone!)

When you say you have just started sticking to your boundaries, two things come to mind immediately.

First, deciding that you need boundaries like that is a HUGE step, however there are some techniques to applying them properly that you may need to work on further. Any time you start something new, there is a bit of learning to do.

Second, what you describe him doing is normal. Stick to your boundaries, and it will get better. It is called an extinction burst, and it is a very natural human reaction. The way it works here is that you start enforcing a boundary with him, and it takes away his normal coping mechanism (he's feeling bad, and he takes it out on you.) Stepping things up to see if he can overcome your new boundaries is what he will do at first.

A classic example of this is what happens when somebody walks into an elevator, pushes the button for their floor then nothing happens. Then they hit it again. Three or four times, perhaps punching it. Then six times in a row really fast. Then curse, then finally walk out and take the stairs.

Hang in there--things will get better.

[sweetheart]

Hello chocolate_cheezy,  

My h was released from prison in August of this year, he was incarcerated because he was a risk to the public because of his dysregulated behaviours. He also has a criminal past and served prison time many years before I met him. He is diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia combined with antisocial and borderline traits. This is a new diagnostic formulation arising out of his last period of crisis when he was assessed by a Forensic Psychologist because of his escalating risk behaviours.

His presentation is not nearly as sophisticated as your SO's sounds, even in public, he would be described as extremely low functioning now, but he is capable of manipulative behaviours that are need driven. He also has a vulnerability that engages others on a nurturing, maternal level, again this is needs led because he finds it very difficult to look after himself.

So I hear you and applaud your awareness of the need to implement boundaries to safeguard your emotional well-being. Boundaries for me are a crucial component of choosing to stay, without them my husbands dysregulated behaviours would have gotten worse and our marriage imploded.

It is worth saying that by adhering to your boundaries and stopping your h from being verbally abusive you might find that his behaviour in prison alters. I know when I implemented boundaries and started using the techniques to protect myself from my h's dysregulated outbursts he took his behaviour outside the house and started indiscriminately verbally abusing members of the public. In fact his behaviour escalated significantly, he was much more disordered and chaotic, hence his prison time. I realise now that there was an element of extinction bursts in this behaviour and that he had become so unwell he could no longer contain his dysregulations, they just all ran in to each other.

How long is your h in prison for? How does he fund his phone time?

Use the time he is in prison to rest and take some much needed time for you, that's what I did. I can hear you are exhausted but you are managing very well in your attempt to set boundaries. Starting now will help you get stronger and you can start to think about what changes you might want to make for you on his return home.  

Here is a link I hope you find helpful, https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

[chocolate_cheezy]

How long is your h in prison for? How does he fund his phone time?

He is serving a 16 yr sentence and has 3-5 to go. He is a re-bounder. This is probably his 6th time in prison. He used to be a "top dog gang member" - still feared by many.

I must say I'm proud that he has renounced that lifestyle.

He holds a full time job, and teaches chronic disease management classes in the prison.

We had an agreement he would fund his own phone but he is a phone addict. He will call me 20 times a day, and if I don't answer after a verbal attack he will call me 50+ times a day. I have to turn my phone off during work and church.

Up until now I funded EVERYTHING (reading glasses, food, shoes, phone time, bank account) etc. Embarrassing that I have given him literally thousands of dollars and nothing to show for it.

He quit wearing his wedding ring in an effort to control me and stated he would wear it again after I start to "act right".  I had confronted him about his weekly verbal abuse the night before and the next day he tried to rip my wedding ring off my finger in the visiting room. I tried to get up and leave but he wouldn't let me. I didn't want to draw attention so I sat back down and remained silent for 2 hours. This made him even angrier.

Right then I decided to stop funding the phone or books. I have not visited him for 3 weeks. 

I look back over his messages and there is a pattern of verbal abuse almost every single week. 

It used to be worse he would get away with physically abusing me in the visiting room. This stopped for 3 years but has recently escalated again. 

Thank you for your response it's comforting to know I'm not the only one w/ a h in prison.