"Good" Anger

[Forestaken]

My dOCD+uBPDxw is trying to involve herself and her uNPD sister into my kids (S25 & D22) lives as the holidays approach. 

BTW, the divorce was as ugly as my marriage.  Both kids and myself want NC with any of them.  They are mean, self-centered and full of manufactured drama.

Here's my point: I am usually a forgiving person knowing the weight of hate and resentment weigh heavy on the person who holds it.  But in this case, the hate and resentment is more helpful than hurtful.  Because I am not forgiving and forgetting the past, I feel empowered and see it as a strength.  I am no longer a doormat to her and her family.  My adult kids feel the same way.  NC is the best for the 3 of us.

My T told me that when I first came to therapy I was a doormat (my words not his) trading my dignity for peace but with a BPD, peace will never be achieved.

Am I and my kids heading in the right direction?

[livednlearned]

Hi Forestaken,

I think you bring up something that many of us struggle with.

It sounds like your feelings toward your ex -- hate and resentment -- are giving you the strength you need to enforce boundaries. They are helping you keep yourself safe. I think that's common.

Scientists say that love and hate share a biological basis in the brain. Except apparently in a state of love, parts of the cerebral cortex are deactivated (judgment and reasoning). Maybe that's why you feel like hate is helpful? Because it provides a powerful drive to protect yourself, using judgment and reason.

My concern (for myself, also for S14) is that hating a parent is a way to stay captive to strong negative feelings. I wanted my son to learn resilience instead of staying stuck in avoidant behaviors that seem connected to his feelings toward his dad. Meaning, if he is avoidant, then he won't get hurt. Whereas, I would rather see him risk the feeling of being in loved, and having the ability to repair and recover should he get emotionally hurt.

I do want to say that one time, during a very emotional and cathartic conversation with my son (about his dad), I said that I forgave N/BPDx. My T was all up in my business about that -- she said that I've had a long time and lots of therapy and am older, and have my own timeline, and that S14 needs to go through a period of feeling justified in his anger.

I agree, and had to go back and talk to S14 about that. S14 suffers from depression, which some describe as anger turned inward. I would rather have him be outwardly angry toward the man who abused him, instead of internalize his dad's abuse and accept it as the truth.

[ForeverDad]

Once burned, twice shy.  Lesson learned.

As Scotty on the Starship Enterprise said, "Fool me once, shame on you!  Fool me twice, shame on me!"

I sometimes think that we need a distinction here, some might have different concepts for forgiveness.  For example, forgiveness (or to "Let Go and Move On" does not move the relationship meter back to Neutral and Ready To Resume.  It is not wise to expose yourself once again to risks of renewed engulfment and confrontations.  Just because it is "over" and calm doesn't mean it is safe to restart.

[Forestaken]

I can relate.  My kids (S25 & D21) have stronger feelings of hate and anger toward my Xw than I do.  I internalize much of my anger while they are more outward about it.  There is a lot of negative history between them including physical and emotional abuse.  

It's hard to tell them to "forgive her" because they're in college (graduated from community college and now unversitie$$) My Xw took the money we set aside for their college for herself.  She sits on it demanding that they "come to her if they want it".  Once they did - she only gave $100-$200 each.  Around the cost of a textbook for 1 class.  Since I have to pay alimony on top of it, they have to watch their pennies while their classmates head out to events, parties and Europe.

When we discuss her, (I avoid it bc my S25 will talk for hours - draining me) I have to tell them that she built her own prison of solitary confinement.   Sometimes I feel sorry for her - I really do - but I have to remind myself that she showed no sympathy for me or the kids.  

Example: One time in a neighborhood park, she threaten to create a scene if I didn't hand over my wedding ring.  She threw it overhand in the bushes (or at least the kids and I thought - it was in her hand).  We all went looking for it for almost an hour.  She just watched.

[ForeverDad]

Let me be clear... .I haven't 'forgiven' in the sense of starting over or saying I'm okay with what she did.  That perspective is virtually an invitation to be crushed again.

I'm not the hate or bitterness type.  I hate the actions more than the person.  Yet my ex does have to shoulder responsibility and consequences for what she did over the years.  So essentially I view it more as "Let Go and Let God."  I'll let God judge her, I don't want to get mired in all her baggage by having to judge her.  That perspective helps me to keep my distance and boundaries.

[Panda39]

Hi Forestaken,

How long have you been divorced?  I think that the distance beween you and the divorce plays a part in the anger, all of the intense conflict can take awhile to recover from.  Your ex still hurting the children also makes it harder to let go because everyone gets a fresh injury everytime she does stuff like this. Anger in this case may for right now be the sheild you use to protect yourself from further injury from the ex. I don't know if this is "Good" Anger but for right now it is serving a purpose.

I think that the anger eventually can and should be replaced by something else (boundaries? acceptance? indifference?) because carrying around this anger indefinitly ultimately isn't good for you and your kids.

Are any of you recieving therapy?  You all have been through a lot of trauma at the hands of the ex. Therapy can be a great tool to work through the abuse and issues surrounding her.  It sounds like in particular your son really wants to talk about it and could use some help processing everything.  Your kids may even have access to therapy through their Universities.

Take Care,

Panda39

[Forestaken]

Hi Forestaken,

How long have you been divorced?  I think that the distance beween you and the divorce plays a part in the anger, all of the intense conflict can take awhile to recover from.  Your ex still hurting the children also makes it harder to let go because everyone gets a fresh injury everytime she does stuff like this. Anger in this case may for right now be the sheild you use to protect yourself from further injury from the ex. I don't know if this is "Good" Anger but for right now it is serving a purpose.

I think that the anger eventually can and should be replaced by something else (boundaries? acceptance? indifference?) because carrying around this anger indefinitly ultimately isn't good for you and your kids.

Are any of you recieving therapy?  You all have been through a lot of trauma at the hands of the ex. Therapy can be a great tool to work through the abuse and issues surrounding her.  It sounds like in particular your son really wants to talk about it and could use some help processing everything.  Your kids may even have access to therapy through their Universities.

Take Care,

Panda39

The divorce is 18 months ago, the kids met with her afterwards but it didn't turn out well. My Xw never admitted anything, she told the kids that my bruises were self-inflicted.

Added to that, because of the large alimony (1/3 of my net take home) - the kids are impacted too. She took the funds we set aside for their college.  My son had to temporary drop out bc the funds and financial aid weren't there.

I call it "Good Anger" because it makes me enforce my boundaries.

[Panda39]

The divorce is 18 months ago, the kids met with her afterwards but it didn't turn out well. My Xw never admitted anything, she told the kids that my bruises were self-inflicted.

Added to that, because of the large alimony (1/3 of my net take home) - the kids are impacted too. She took the funds we set aside for their college.  My son had to temporary drop out bc the funds and financial aid weren't there.

I call it "Good Anger" because it makes me enforce my boundaries.

18 months out isn't a long time, she's still doing things that impact the kids, and anger is helping to drive your boundaries... .for now it is working for you so use it but don't hang on to it forever.  You are still adjusting to your "new normal" and there are a lot of injuries and resentments that need to be worked through before you will be able to let go of the anger.

I've watched my SO go through this since his divorce was final 3 years ago too.  He is also paying alimony which was a tough pill to swallow (he's got 2 more years to go), he watched as his uBPDxw promised to pay for then D18's college tuition at a private University then not pay putting D18 in debt to the tune of $15,000, he also has become essentially sole parent to his children while she is out there taking no responsibility for them or anything else.  I don't know that my SO's anger is gone but he has accepted what his life is now and lives it for himself and his children.  At this point the uBPDxw has been pretty much pushed out of the lives of her family by her family.  My SO's girls struggle with anger and guilt simultaneously because of this... .but that's another story.

I just wanted you to know that I understand where you are coming from.  Keep the anger for now and use it but don't let it eat you up.  You are free of the ex, you have your children, and you have a new life to live.  If you can financially make it work therapy will help you work through and heal from the past otherwise look forward not back.

Panda39

[Forestaken]

The divorce is 18 months ago, the kids met with her afterwards but it didn't turn out well. My Xw never admitted anything, she told the kids that my bruises were self-inflicted.

Added to that, because of the large alimony (1/3 of my net take home) - the kids are impacted too. She took the funds we set aside for their college.  My son had to temporary drop out bc the funds and financial aid weren't there.

I call it "Good Anger" because it makes me enforce my boundaries.

18 months out isn't a long time, she's still doing things that impact the kids, and anger is helping to drive your boundaries... .for now it is working for you so use it but don't hang on to it forever.  You are still adjusting to your "new normal" and there are a lot of injuries and resentments that need to be worked through before you will be able to let go of the anger.

My SO's girls struggle with anger and guilt simultaneously because of this... .but that's another story.

Panda39

The kids anger that is the hardest for me to deal with.  Since I am the buffer between my kids and my Xw (some people say I shouldn't) but they are finally starting to recover.

[Panda39]

The kids anger that is the hardest for me to deal with.  Since I am the buffer between my kids and my Xw (some people say I shouldn't) but they are finally starting to recover.

This is hard because there is so much pain right behind that anger and none of us like to see our kids hurting.   :'(

Being the buffer isn't a fun place to be but I do understand why you've put yourself there but again I wouldn't make that your permenant position because your kids will eventually need to learn how to deal with their mom... .boundaries... .boundaries... .boundaries! or not "No Contact". 

Have you considered telling your kids about us?  It might help them get a better understanding about what is going on with their mom, put them in touch with others with BPD parents, and give them tools so they can better negotiate things with their mom.  Just a thought 

Panda39

[whirlpoollife]

" I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!"  ... ." Network" quote

Foresaken , you sound so much emotionally stronger there in your first post.   

It's a statement to our exspouse... .you've screwed up my life (anger) and you don't get to do that anymore (good)

As for your xw watching you and kids looks for the ring... .I relate and had flashbacks hit me,

My xh would hide items many times and watch me look for them. He would stare at me with a smile asking if I looked for it today and if I found it.  Then in front of kids , he would make it magically appear while saying , look daddy found it.