Partner of 12 years diagnosed with BPD but doesn't yet know it

[Depression = 72% of members]

I just found out that my partner likely has BPD, but he doesn't know this yet. Let me explain... .

This weekend, he voluntarily took himself to our local crisis centre after several heated discussions where he was volatile, raging, and irrational (this comes after months of this type of behaviour, which we previously thought was withdrawal from an anti-depressant called Effexor). While at the clinic, he gave consent to have information shared, which was a huge step. During discussions with his psychiatric team, they said he probably doesn't have depression nor does he have ADD (he was/is on meds for both of these). In fact, they said these are stimulants and may actually be "amping" up his symptoms because he likely has BPD. However, they don't like to give assessments during critical periods, so they are sending him to a psychiatrist in 10 days who will do a formal assessment and also help him come off his ADD meds (originally, he said his behaviour was due to withdrawal from the anti-depressants, but he stopped taking those medications a month ago and his behaviour is getting progressively worse). I believe they are trying to take one step at a time with him and that's why they're taking him off ADD medications and not talking about the possibility of BPD, but in the meantime, I have this information that he doesn't have and have no idea how to cope with it or how to interact with him.

I didn't know anything about BPD until today, and after talking with the psychiatrist, I began to research the disorder. It is like a lightning bolt has struck. My husband presents almost every single symptom that I'm reading: abandonment issues, feelings of worthlessness, black/white thinking, impulsive spending, intense stormy relationships, blaming me for everything that is happening to him, emotional regulation, etc. And, when I look back, a lot of this was present in our relationship right from the start; I just don't know why I didn't see it sooner.

Our finances are a mess; we have $50K in student loans (his) and he doesn't have a full-time job. My full-time job just pays the bills, and I know that we can't afford two separate places to live; however, our current house is only 630 square feet, so there's not a lot of room to be apart. I don't know if I even want to be apart, but I do know that I'm emotionally exhausted, confused and not sure that I have enough energy to go yet another round with him the second he decides something has upset him.

I am so scared of this disorder and have no idea how to communicate with him. Both of us had difficult childhoods (his involved an alcoholic parent), and we have basically grown up together; I've been in a relationship with him for my entire adult life (we started dating when I was 18). He is my best friend, but at times, acts like my worst enemy. He will go from being sweet and loving (writing poetry, professing his love for me) and then telling me that he's moving into our spare bedroom and that I should treat him like a roommate. I am exhausted and don't know if there's any hope. Do those suffering from BPD actually get better? I'm so scared that I've lost my partner, my best friend and my future for a happy life with children (we don't have any yet, thank goodness).

[PerogieQueen]

I just found out that my partner likely has BPD, but he doesn't know this yet. Let me explain... .

This weekend, he voluntarily took himself to our local crisis centre after several heated discussions where he was volatile, raging, and irrational (this comes after months of this type of behaviour, which we previously thought was withdrawal from an anti-depressant called Effexor). While at the clinic, he gave consent to have information shared, which was a huge step. During discussions with his psychiatric team, they said he probably doesn't have depression nor does he have ADD (he was/is on meds for both of these). In fact, they said these are stimulants and may actually be "amping" up his symptoms because he likely has BPD. However, they don't like to give assessments during critical periods, so they are sending him to a psychiatrist in 10 days who will do a formal assessment and also help him come off his ADD meds (originally, he said his behaviour was due to withdrawal from the anti-depressants, but he stopped taking those medications a month ago and his behaviour is getting progressively worse). I believe they are trying to take one step at a time with him and that's why they're taking him off ADD medications and not talking about the possibility of BPD, but in the meantime, I have this information that he doesn't have and have no idea how to cope with it or how to interact with him.

I didn't know anything about BPD until today, and after talking with the psychiatrist, I began to research the disorder. It is like a lightning bolt has struck. My husband presents almost every single symptom that I'm reading: abandonment issues, feelings of worthlessness, black/white thinking, impulsive spending, intense stormy relationships, blaming me for everything that is happening to him, emotional regulation, etc. And, when I look back, a lot of this was present in our relationship right from the start; I just don't know why I didn't see it sooner.

Our finances are a mess; we have $50K in student loans (his) and he doesn't have a full-time job. My full-time job just pays the bills, and I know that we can't afford two separate places to live; however, our current house is only 630 square feet, so there's not a lot of room to be apart. I don't know if I even want to be apart, but I do know that I'm emotionally exhausted, confused and not sure that I have enough energy to go yet another round with him the second he decides something has upset him.

I am so scared of this disorder and have no idea how to communicate with him. Both of us had difficult childhoods (his involved an alcoholic parent), and we have basically grown up together; I've been in a relationship with him for my entire adult life (we started dating when I was 18). He is my best friend, but at times, acts like my worst enemy. He will go from being sweet and loving (writing poetry, professing his love for me) and then telling me that he's moving into our spare bedroom and that I should treat him like a roommate. I am exhausted and don't know if there's any hope. Do those suffering from BPD actually get better? I'm so scared that I've lost my partner, my best friend and my future for a happy life with children (we don't have any yet, thank goodness).

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[babyducks]

PerogieQueen,

Great screen name.

There is a great deal of information on this site, so I wanted to point you in the direction of two links that I thought might be helpful for you to see early on as you work you way around.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

and

Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy


I can tell you my partner has been diagnosed with both Bipolar 1 and BPD.  It's taken a lot of time and an effort on her part but she is no longer presenting with the symptoms of the  BP disorder.   

What's more important to me is since coming here and burying myself in the lessons on the right hand side of the page, I have gotten better.   I am no longer exhausted and walking on eggs shells.   I am no longer fearful of her emotionally intense moments.   I know what to do and how to say things so I can communicate with her.  I don't always get it 100% right but I am very comfortable with where we are right now.

There are a couple of reasons why they might not mention the BPD diagnosis,  you can find details in the second link I provided.

Have you ever heard of a communication technique called validation?

'ducks