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Leah10

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« on: November 10, 2015, 01:54:56 AM »

Hi... .im Leah 10. I am in a relationship with a beautiful man with BPD. I am confused a lot of the time and the last 2 yrs have taken its toll. I need help and info. My man has been seeing his ex and lying to me about it... .but he tells me every day he loves me and wants to marry me.sometimes i feel like im going crazy trying to understand him.
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« Reply #1 on: November 10, 2015, 07:22:15 AM »

Wow, that has to hurt.  How do you know they are seeing each other?  Is it casual or serious?
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« Reply #2 on: November 10, 2015, 08:54:41 AM »

Welcome to this board. I think it is confusing when someone says one thing, but then seems to act differently. Part of BPD is a push/pull between wanting to be close and then keep a distance. In this case, it says more about the person who is doing this than about the one they care about.

While it is understandable to want to understand someone with BPD, a main principal to dealing with being in a relationship with someone is understanding ourselves.

A part of this is understanding our own boundaries. Our boundaries represent our values, what is important to us.  If fidelity and honesty is important to you, then this situation- him seeing his ex- is an issue that affects you. However, you can not control his choices, only yours.


The lessons are helpful and other posters are too. You are not the only one in this situation. I hope that others will share their stories as well.
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AVR1962
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« Reply #3 on: November 10, 2015, 09:28:40 AM »

Leah, I was married to a man for 7 years who was not diagnosed with BPD, and for many years I did not understand what I had dealt with... .until our daughter, who is exactly like her dad, was diagnosed with BPD. I can predict my daughter's behavior based on what I lived with my first husband, her father.

Let me tell you what I dealt with... .two years into this you probably have seen some things but are unaware fully of everything, guessing here. Not all BPD are the same, some are high functioning and others are not. Mine was not.

When we met he came on strong with all the "I love yous." He wanted to spend all of his off time with me and I loved all this attention. He easily told me things that made me feel good about myself. At the same time though he convinced me to get a joint savings account and then he started saying things like, "is filling up your gas tank worth _____" and he wanted money. I wanted that love and attention and I could not see that he was robbing me. My parents were furious but I wouldn't listen. We'd only been dating a short time and he said he wanted to get married as soon as possible, said he could not live without me and that he would rather kill himself than not have me in his life. I saw it as devoted love. I had never had someone so in love with me before and I loved him.

We married and by our first anniversary we had our first child. The first year was a little bumpy with adjustments but other than that, not bad. After our daughter was born though things changed. He started suggesting we do 3-somes and wife swap, none of which I was interested in. He told me how this girl or that girl was looking at him and said that he could have my mom, of all people. He wanted me to read the forum section of porn mags to get me excited, he wanted to try and recreate that. The man was obsessed with sex. If three days went by without sex he would throw a physical tantrum and start yelling, threatening me that he was going to find someone who would put out, he called me a prude. He would leave and I had no idea if he was actually looking for sex or not, we didn't speak when he'd get back.

He could not keep a job but he didn't want me to work. He was terrible with money and ran up bills everywhere, bought things on credit with no means to pay the bills and he simply did not care. He would go from motivated and getting things done to doing nothing but laying on the couch. I finally realized after I had to go back to work just weeks after our second child was born, we had no money, he was not working and we had no way to pay the bills or put food on the table. He seemed fine to borrow money from his mom with no intent to pay her back but I did not want to live like this. I thought he could watch our children when I went to work but I would come home to find the baby in a diaper that had not been changed since I left, my oldest in pjs and her hair not combed, he had done nothing.

I hired a sitter and this is when things got worse. He was supposed to be looking for work but what I found out is that he was looking for women. He wanted to start his own business, wanted to become a body builder. His time became about him and I realized after the divorce I was lied to about almost everything.

He slept with two of our teen age sitters, ended up going out of town to look for work and had an affair with an old friend's wife. Called me one day saying he could make good money prostituting and that it would not effect the way he felt for me. At that point I told him it was time for him to come back, this was not acceptable. All of a sudden I need to pick him up and now... .I later found out that our friend caught him in bed with his wife.

He came back and immediately started an affair with an older woman. I saw the interest, I asked him about her and he lied to cover his tracks. I finally started following him and caught then together, He then admitted they they were involved, said that he loved us both, asked me to wait til the affair was over and told me things were going own hill. He filed for divorce but then bounced a check to pay for it so I ended up covering the check. He left me with $11,000 in bills that were partly his business bills (that had failed). He did not pay child support. Then he and his GF moved out of state, he told me that he would not be one of those parents that pestered for visitation, said his GF wasn't interested in the girls and then he made no contact with us for 2 years.

It was after the divorce that I realized how unfaithful he had been. One of my best friends told me she stopped coming around because he was making eyes and coming on to her but she didn't want to hurt me so she didn't say anything.

He was unfaithful to his GF and she dumped him. He then started dating a girl who was barely legal age and seriously naive. One day he was laughing and told me that he could tell her the sky was green and she would believe him, I knew he was in trouble. She wanted him to have a relationship with his children and this became even worse. He could not admit he was the one that left and that he had an affair so he was telling our kids that I was using drugs, that I was going to the bars to meet men, that I had lived with another man while he and I were still married. My oldest would tell me all this stuff when she would get back from a visit. I would then try and tell her the truth without putting him down. I would contact him and ask him why he was saying this stuff and then he would tell me our daughter was making this stuff up. But he was telling the same lies to my friends so I knew it was him.

At some point I stopped all contact, dealing with him just brought on more lies to the kids, more manipulation to them to try to get them to hate me. We have been divorced now for 28 years and I have no idea if he is till telling my children lies or not. He and his second wife divorced, he did to her what he did to me. He is now with someone who is very sweet but has already been unfaithful to her. The man is a con.

This might not be your future but it very well could be, be careful!

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Leah10

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« Reply #4 on: November 10, 2015, 10:27:50 PM »

Thanks dor replying.  Smiling (click to insert in post) i found out by walking in on a phone conversation that he lied about saying it was his daughter but his body language and manner gave him away. I asked him to tell me  the truth and after some obvious excuses he admitted who he was talking to. I stayed calm and talked to him about it so i could try to understand . I then told him what my boundaries were and what i would not accept. I have since found out there were more texts, calls and meeting her coffee dates.  I am so confused by this person who is loving and attentive , talks of marriage and our future but then sees his ex gf behind my back and lies about it. He states she is his friend but i feel there an emotional attachment he cant break. He was  adopted as a baby,  his ex wife cheated repeatedly then left him and he attempted suicide.  This other woman ended the relationship because she had emotional issues and felt she could not commit to a relationship , he then spoke of ending it all. Thats when  i met him . In the past 2 years i have supported him through medical issues, financially  and emotionally.  He in turn has supported me through some tough times. I find his mood swings difficult to predict though. I feel at times that i dont know which person im going to get when he walks in the door. Loving and warm or quiet and cold.im not sure that i can live with the mistrust i now feel. He told me he wanted nothing more to do with his ex gf... .not even as friends... .then i found that he had been seeing her BECAUSE she is his friend ! I know for a fact its a casual thing but its deceitful and hurtful.  I feel like im on a roller coaster. Iv told him he is free to go if he wishes . He says he doesn't. He says what we have is special and i know him like no one else does. And yet he is prepared to take the chance of losing me by his behavior? Any insight on this for me? Im struggling and I would really appreciate it
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unicorn2014
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« Reply #5 on: November 11, 2015, 12:29:15 AM »

Hi... .im Leah 10. I am in a relationship with a beautiful man with BPD. I am confused a lot of the time and the last 2 yrs have taken its toll. I need help and info. My man has been seeing his ex and lying to me about it... .but he tells me every day he loves me and wants to marry me.sometimes i feel like im going crazy trying to understand him.

Hi Leah, I am sorry you are going through this. I know you are new here. I would gently ask you if you've done any reading about boundaries? It sounds like that might be the first thing to think about taking a look at. I feel for you. That sounds painful. 
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waverider
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« Reply #6 on: November 11, 2015, 04:39:40 AM »

Deceit is one of the harder aspects of BPD behavior to deal with.

Keep in mind they are overly focused on their own needs. They see this as their business and anyone who blocks, or interferes with it, as unwanted attention. They are wrapped up in their own private world, this they feel is their business. Often they will do things that are against your emotional best interest, but they will not see it that way.

Their needs override everything. To act on need, then cover it up is the natural order of things rather than just avoid the issue in the first place.

You will find this on even the little things not just the big issues. It is a behavioral trait. Their needs are their business and they get put out and resent you for "exposing them", they can even see this as you persecuting them, regardless of any fault of their own. Hence "outing" them rarely achieves the required reparations.

Even if you get over this issue, the behavioral trait will repeat. So a certain degree of acceptance of the potential for less than open honesty is required. However, having said that, you need to decide what issues are clear boundaries for you, and need to be prepared for black and white consequences based on how they make you feel rather than what is fair or not. This is were acceptance comes into it... what level of "unfair" can you carry, and what can you not?

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AVR1962
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« Reply #7 on: November 11, 2015, 10:41:08 AM »

Thanks dor replying.  Smiling (click to insert in post) i found out by walking in on a phone conversation that he lied about saying it was his daughter but his body language and manner gave him away. I asked him to tell me  the truth and after some obvious excuses he admitted who he was talking to. I stayed calm and talked to him about it so i could try to understand . I then told him what my boundaries were and what i would not accept. I have since found out there were more texts, calls and meeting her coffee dates.  I am so confused by this person who is loving and attentive , talks of marriage and our future but then sees his ex gf behind my back and lies about it. He states she is his friend but i feel there an emotional attachment he cant break. He was  adopted as a baby,  his ex wife cheated repeatedly then left him and he attempted suicide.  This other woman ended the relationship because she had emotional issues and felt she could not commit to a relationship , he then spoke of ending it all. Thats when  i met him . In the past 2 years i have supported him through medical issues, financially  and emotionally.  He in turn has supported me through some tough times. I find his mood swings difficult to predict though. I feel at times that i dont know which person im going to get when he walks in the door. Loving and warm or quiet and cold.im not sure that i can live with the mistrust i now feel. He told me he wanted nothing more to do with his ex gf... .not even as friends... .then i found that he had been seeing her BECAUSE she is his friend ! I know for a fact its a casual thing but its deceitful and hurtful.  I feel like im on a roller coaster. Iv told him he is free to go if he wishes . He says he doesn't. He says what we have is special and i know him like no one else does. And yet he is prepared to take the chance of losing me by his behavior? Any insight on this for me? Im struggling and I would really appreciate it

It is all about him and what he wants at that moment. He has learned to say what he needs to to get what he wants but all in all here little is about you, it is about what h wants for himself. You will be a mere stepping stone for him. As soon as you figure him out or stop filling your role as his admiring lover that supports him he will be gone and you will be left in bewilderment. I don't think people like this know ow to love others more than themselves.
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Leah10

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #8 on: November 13, 2015, 03:24:23 AM »

Thankyou all for your reply's.    Still trying to get my head around this so will give a little background.  I heard a lot about his exwife and the horrible things she had done to him which have been attested to by his children and stepchildren with whom he has loving healthy relationships with. He is a wonderful steady caring dad. When i met him he was in financial trouble and at risk of losing his business to his ex wife. We fell in love ... i thought. ... and over the next few months i supported  him and accompanied him to court. I financially supported him and helped him retain his business by paying his accounts and signing a new lease in my name. Around this time i was told that he had attempted suicide after his exwife left him. I heard a few things about another woman he had been dating but had no idea it had been very recent.  I thought we were committed and were building a life together. Then when i was financially committed i discovered that he had been texting,  calling and seeing the recent ex gf and was trying to get back with her. His problem was that she was hot and cold ... .had heard about me and was reluctant to get back into  a relationship with him as she stated she had issues and could not commit. ... and  that i was a fly in the ointment and now that  i was too involved she felt that she couldn't deal with it and he would be better off staying with me. Now this is the time i realize i should have run but i was committed financially and scared for him. He had no idea that i knew what was going on... he was depressed. ... a long time issue... .and began talking of harming himself. His best friend found out what was going on and forced the issue so my bf was forced to tell me " i love you but the truth is im still in love with her" . He went to her but she wouldn't take him back. I let him go ... .thinking it was over then found out he was alone and  I  was concerned that now she doesnt want him back and if   leave because of what he has been doing he will have no one and could attempt to take his own life again. So i rode it through and took him back when he said " im so sorry let me make it up to you". I look back now and realize how needy and week i was. We spent months getting our relationship back on track. He told me " im in love with you... .but u know that dont you"  Then i found out after we had moved in together that he had been in contact and meeting  her for coffee dates.  This happened twice. Both times i called him on it... .he didn't seem to get it ... or understand how it affected me. I let him know how hurt i was and that i will not stand for this again... .that the contract had to stop . He said she will always be my friend but i will accept your decision and not see her again.  The trouble is my trust is broken. ... and although he tells me every day he loves me and has said he wants to marry me i check his phone... .something im not proud of... .i have asked him if he is now in love with me and his answer is... .i believe so... .or... .i think so!  I feel like im trying to protect him from him from himself... .but losing myself at the same time. Am i a fool? He has a beautiful heart... .has become very close with my parents and my daughter ... calls her his own ... .and is a grandfather to my grandbabies.  Am i a surrogate family? Am i the safe bet because he cant have who he truly wants. Im so confused. ... .am i a codependent i have been reading on here about? I just want to feel happy and safe... .
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Leah10

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« Reply #9 on: November 13, 2015, 04:28:45 AM »

  Avr1962 thankyou so much for sharing  your story with me... .it helps so much to know I'm not alone in this. I found out my partner is BPD from another of his ex"s. She also went into debt to help him.  He doesn't ask for anything and tells me how happy he is now that he has a new job ... .we lost the business. ... .and happy he can now contribute.  What i cant ignore is that when i was supporting him financially was planning on leaving me for her if he could get her back. Complete lack of concern for me... .why dont i leave?
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unicorn2014
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« Reply #10 on: November 13, 2015, 10:19:35 AM »

Leah10, that sounds very confusing and difficult and I am sorry.

One of the moderators mentioned that people with BPD put their needs above everybody else's and the only way we can deal with it is have black and white boundaries.

Have you thought about what you will need to do to stay in a relationship with someone who lies to you?
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #11 on: November 13, 2015, 12:57:59 PM »

AVR,

If I subtract the children and the bodybuiding, add in many years, a shared business and domestic violence, your story is nearly identical to mine. Isn't it amazing how these patterns repeat themselves with a different cast of characters?

Leah,

I know how hard it is, once you're financially entangled with one of these guys. And being "nons" we can see shades of gray unlike people with BPD who see everything as black and white. You can see wonderful qualities in him yet at the same time see serious red flags.

Time to do some soul searching about what is really important for you to have in your life and envision your future in great detail.

 
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