Now time to work on myself

[maxsterling]

As I posted previously, my wife is doing significantly better with medication.  The past few weeks have had several issues crop up that previously would have caused her to completely collapse.  She still had a difficult time dealing with them, but for the most part she worked through them on her own.  If there was a scale of functionality with 10 being the most functioning self sufficient people and 1 being someone completely dependent on others - my wife has moved from about 2 to 3-4.  She's still extremely dependent on me and others, but now she is showing some capability of meeting her own needs.

I've started to realize a few things recently with the help of my Ts.  My wife's situation combined with trauma from past experiences with her made using the "tools" very difficult.  In other words - DEARMAN won't work too well with someone incapable of negotiation or compromise.  Other tools may not be the best choice when someone is almost constantly dysregulated or suicidal.  For a long time, my behaviors naturally adjusted because I saw situations as life or death - because at times they were.  I allowed my boundaries to be crossed, I put my own needs aside, and I did things I did not want to do because I felt that the potential for a serious negative outcome was very high.  "Surviving" was okay, and "thriving" was something for the future.

Now that it has been a few weeks without an "I want to kill myself" comment or a serious dysregulation, it's time for me to work on myself.  I'm a mess, and I am having a hard time "snapping back" into that thriving mode.  I think part of my issue is dealing with the memories of some really bad times, and fear that they will come again.  Here is my strategy:

- accept that having trauma associated with past events is normal.  Those events were quite serious.  I need to accept and not diminish.

- be patient with myself.  Rebuilding trust takes time.  Don't rush things.

- take things one step at a time.  Progress doesn't have to come all this week, this month, or this year. 

- stay aware, but not fear.  Medication has not solved everything. 

- She still has BPD, and future dysregulations are inevitable.  Work on the communication and boundary skills now when things are calm, so that they will be more effective when I need them.

Thoughts on this?

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[Cat Familiar]

Max, I'm so glad that your wife's medication is helping. You've been a saint in dealing with everything you've been up against.

I'm happy that you're looking for ways to advocate for yourself and take care of yourself. Having dealt with domestic violence myself, I would say that PTSD is going to be something that you'll have to deal with. It's hard when the person who is supposed to be the most trusted and loving friend in our life has turned on us. I'm glad that your wife has begun to have the self-awareness to realize that she is responsible for (some of) the difficulties she has caused in your relationship. That is a good start.

For you, developing good boundaries is certainly a good step. I think, like myself, you've seen yourself as so strong and able to put up with so much. That may well be true, but we all have a breaking point and it certainly doesn't teach our pwBPD anything to tolerate disrespect and abuse.

Glad to hear that things are better.   

[Sunfl0wer]

When I think about the idea of "working on myself," what comes to mind first is self care.

Do you think you can pursue some more "self care" types of things?

Sounds like you have already taken some steps in this direction with your mens group, and going to work.  However, can you do more like maybe expand social networks... .have more fun?  Take up a hobby you used to enjoy?  Is there something you used to enjoy but stopped?

[maxsterling]

I like to watch football.  I've watched about half of one game all season.  Perhaps this is an area - "I'm going out to watch football for awhile."

Hobbies - I'm slowly creeping back into my many hobbies.  Problem is, when I get free time, I tend to try and catch up on housework. 

I think I need to dedicate time for each, communicate to W that that is what I wish to do, and see how that goes.  For awhile, I have refrained from carving my own time out for hobbies because she is so incredibly needy or dysregulated.

[formflier]

I think I need to dedicate time for each, communicate to W that that is what I wish to do, and see how that goes.  

Rephrase:   end this with "and do it"

I would also challenge you to think about something that she would like to do with you... .and that you would like to do if she were not there.

Invite her... .go do it regardless of whether she comes or not.

I think the most critical need is to focus on you... .first.  Build up some reserves.

But... maybe the next step after that is to build a bridge... .so to speak... back towards your wife.  Either way you win.  She goes and you do something enjoyable.  She stays home and you do something enjoyable.

Thoughts?

FF

[Sunfl0wer]

Idk, it seems like you spend an awful amount of energy consider you W and her reactions to things.

When you say... .

"Now time to work on myself."

The first thing that came to my mind was working on having an identity that is Max.  Stuff that is Max's.  Unrelated to the W.

I realize that working on ourselves has many meanings and approaches that can all be valid and needed things to pursue cultivating.

I guess I observe that in these challenging r/s dynamics... .many of us loose a sense of who we are.  We loose a sense of recharging on our own and exploring self love.

Ok... .off the soap box.

You will figure out what you feel resonates to you and how you want to work on you.

I just want to add one more suggestion... .

Working on you... .or doing something you enjoy... .does not have to be at all in conflict with W or challenge her in any way.  For example... .a friend of mine decided to listen to books on tape for his work drive time.  Another listens to a special MP3 collection for her am jog.

Working on you... .I suggest you add enjoyable things that are not much work... .and start there. 

[Grey Kitty]

  Going to a sports bar to watch a football game (and leaving your phone in the car) sounds like a fantastic thing for you to do!

Take good care of yourself.

Don't be surprised if you find some sense of really understanding how bad things were or how much it impacted you comes up and bites you in the butt later. I've found some of those myself, and still am, and I'm always surprised. (Well, it is OK to be surprised, but expect it!)

[unicorn2014]

Congratulations and you sound like you have it really together!   

Would it be intrusive to ask what medication she's on? If you're not comfortable answering, I understand.

[maxsterling]

She's on Zoloft and Buspar.  Pretty much the maximum dose of both.

She's by no means "happy" - but the things that have happened lately that have sent her to the hospital in the past she has managed to weather okay.  And there have been some very big issues. 

And just now I was able to communicate to her my views on something significant, and she was in no way testy, and she actually listened and agreed with me! 

As for me - yep - little things are huge.  I go home every day for lunch and relax.  That's been awesome.

[unicorn2014]

Max sterling, I'm not familiar with either of those medications but I'm thinking one of them is an anti-depressant? Both?

I'm sorry to ask again, and I know this does not matter to many, has she been "officially" diagnosed with BPD?

The reason I'm asking is I'm having a hard time making a connection between the drugs she's on and the disorder she has.

I know this post is about working on yourself, so I apologize if my questions are not relevant.

[maxsterling]

She's been diagnosed BPD multiple times, by multiple therapists.  She's gone through intensive BPD that lasted years. 

Zoloft is an SSRI for depression

Buspar is slow-acting an anti anxiety drug that is NOT a benzodiazepine.

My feeling is that the drugs don't help the BPD, but they do help with the depression and anxiety symptoms so that she is at least functional enough for other therapies to work. 

Max sterling, I'm not familiar with either of those medications but I'm thinking one of them is an anti-depressant? Both?

I'm sorry to ask again, and I know this does not matter to many, has she been "officially" diagnosed with BPD?

The reason I'm asking is I'm having a hard time making a connection between the drugs she's on and the disorder she has.

I know this post is about working on yourself, so I apologize if my questions are not relevant.

[unicorn2014]

She's been diagnosed BPD multiple times, by multiple therapists.  She's gone through intensive BPD that lasted years. 

Zoloft is an SSRI for depression

Buspar is slow-acting an anti anxiety drug that is NOT a benzodiazepine.

My feeling is that the drugs don't help the BPD, but they do help with the depression and anxiety symptoms so that she is at least functional enough for other therapies to work. 

Thank you very much for your reply.

I thought the one was an anti depression medication, I didn't know the other was an anti-anxiety medication.

I hope you are able to experience much success in working on yourself!

[maxsterling]

The medication is a big help, but changes in myself I think are also responsible for a calmer environment.  But I don't think the changes in my behavior were really possible or realistic in the state she was in.  In other words, I was living in a heightened awareness (fear) type state - a natural reaction to the events I experienced.  It's tough to really change your behavior when your subconscious is sensing a threat.  Trying to consciously not walk on eggshells is extremely difficult when faces with constant dysregulation.

My behavior has been such that I feared W's reactions.  I felt so damaged by those reactions and dysregulations that I felt I could not take one more.  Naturally, then I would do anything I could to avoid that in the short term, and long term consequences were of secondary importance.  This meant I would avoid talking about certain subjects, quit soliciting my wife's input, take on more than I could handle, etc.  In the short term, I was avoiding dysregulation, but in the long term digging the hole deeper.  The problem with being assertive and up front meant a high likelihood of dealing with serious short term issues - physical violence or suicide attempts. 

With the medicine and the calmer demeanor, I have slowly been able to be more direct.  And with good results!  And I think it helps her and the relationship that I am not being more direct.  For example, before I was afraid to tell her that I had to work on a particular day.  Why? Because she would likely rant about it, dysregulate, and verbally abuse.   So, I would try and create excuses, whitewash things, wait until the last minute, etc.  Now, I have simply been telling her, and she reacts in a way that is appropriate, and we move on.  That is good for the long term, makes me feel better, and makes her feel better.   

[Grey Kitty]

 

One thing I remember saying several times before on this board:

When I'm not acting controlled by my own fears, I'm a much happier Grey Kitty and look back at my own actions and feel soo much better about them than times when I get caught up in my fears!

[unicorn2014]

The medication is a big help, but changes in myself I think are also responsible for a calmer environment.  But I don't think the changes in my behavior were really possible or realistic in the state she was in.  In other words, I was living in a heightened awareness (fear) type state - a natural reaction to the events I experienced.  It's tough to really change your behavior when your subconscious is sensing a threat.  Trying to consciously not walk on eggshells is extremely difficult when faces with constant dysregulation.

Thank you for your response max sterling, I can totally relate. Today my therapist told me I was walking on eggshells when I told her I was afraid of my partner's dysregulation. I told her about this message board and how much help I'm getting from it.

I am glad that your wife's medication is helping her. My SO is also on medication and I do notice that there hasn't been a nuclear dysregulation in a while. I really appreciate the clarity with which you describe things, it definitely matches my experience.