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Author Topic: I Think He Just Wants to Argue  (Read 477 times)
Chilibean13
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 204


« on: November 10, 2015, 10:47:28 AM »

My uBPDh have had 3 really amazing days. No arguments, no misunderstandings, no taking things out of context and then today happened. I'm not sure what changed. He was fine while we were getting ready to work, and then he started to attack me about how I haven't been practicing photography and I'm going to be taking family photos with his family on Thanksgiving. I told him I would review the techniques and that argument slowed down.

Then, I get to work and get this text:

J: THe P.O.D. show. They don't go on until 9pm. The tickets for VIP are 40 and 20 for Gen. Admission. It's a Tuesday.

Me: (Knowing he wants a reason to not go) That's really late.

J: I will send Travis (a friend) with him. (Notice he wants to control the sitatuion by making someone else do what he does not want to do). But thanks for practically commiting me. (Now he blames me because he was not clear about not wanting to go)

Me: Was a final confirmation given?

J: I tried not to. You poking my ribs and winking while he asked didn't help.

Me: I winked? That's weird. I don't wink often.

J: (Ignores last statement because he knows I did not do that) If I end up going, you have to stay up until 1am that night. (He wants to punish me if he isn't brave enough to say no)

Me: Why don't you just tell him you can't go because it's too late on a work night? That's ok to do.

J: Ok

20 minutes later:

J: Can you find out what the top 3 gifting at church are? Quantity wise

Me: They limit my access to that. I'm not able to see any of the finances (I manage our church database)

J: Gift. Nevermind. Can't get Christians to stop equating spirituality with currency... .(Again, an attack on me. not sure why)

Me: Ok. I guess I'm not sure what you are asking for. I thought you wanted to know the top paying.

J: Cause anyone said gifting? (Vagueness. Refuses to tell me what he really wants to know)

Me: ooh, you mean spiritual giftings. Yes, I can get that to you.

Not really wanting to go home tonight. I can tell he is just looking for something to fight about. He is easily disuaded from the fight and even though things didn't really get heated, I'm angry right now. I just feel the sense of dread about later. And I'm angry that he attacked me/accused me/tried to blame me for his crap, whatever it is that is really going on with him. I hate being the dog he kicks when he has a bad day. Sorry, just needed to vent.

And how do I deal with my hurt and anger when I know that telling him how I feel will result in: 1. Him not understanding my side? 2. Him not even seenig that he did anything wrong?
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Hope26
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« Reply #1 on: November 10, 2015, 04:23:06 PM »

Hi Chilibean,  I just wanted to say I understand totally how you feel; I've been in that situation so many times.  You feel like you'd almost rather spend the night at the office than go home and deal with more verbal abuse.  The only thing that has helped me when this situation arises is to not engage in the argument.  By the way, I think you did very well with your responses to his texts, and not rising to the bait.  Can you find a way to avoid him when you get home, or at least keep conversation to a minimum?  Indeed it sounds like he's spoiling for a fight.  When I manage to just detach and not respond with equal anger, I find my uBPDh eventually acknowledges his bad behavior, though I seldom get an actual apology.  He does know how difficult he is to live with, and has told me so repeatedly, but unfortunately that doesn't stop the cycles from repeating themselves.  Hang in there, I think you have a very level head on your shoulders and have given good advice to others on the board.
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Leena

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« Reply #2 on: November 10, 2015, 04:43:35 PM »

It is like I am reading one of my arguments with my uBPDh.

I sometimes get the most random texts and I can be in for a fight if

1. I don't reply almost immediately

2. Know exactly what he is talking about

3. If I guess wrong that can lead to disaster.

His communication skills are great with strangers, but with me are terrible. I honestly believe he thinks I can join the dots of his conversation by mind reading. He never ever realises though how bad his communication is.

I will ask him questions and be looking away doing a million and one tasks and he will respond uh uh usually with a shake or nod of the head but he knows I am not looking so I have to ask him to clarify and about 50% of the time that leads to him sparking off. But god forbid I am not 100% clear with every question he asks.

I also get the good times, sometimes they can almost be just as disconcerting because either you are on tenterhooks waiting for something or you are fooled into a false sense of security, which leads to a 'mistake' taking us down the bad path again.
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Chilibean13
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Relationship status: Married
Posts: 204


« Reply #3 on: November 11, 2015, 07:44:47 AM »

His communication skills are great with strangers, but with me are terrible. I honestly believe he thinks I can join the dots of his conversation by mind reading. He never ever realises though how bad his communication is.

Yes, I think this is exactly it. I believe he at times becomes so enmeshed with me in his mind that he thinks I can read his mind about what he is thinking. I've had arguments about him saying he said something but in reality he never said it. He thinks he is clear because in his head it is clear. I frequently tell him I cannot read your mind. His response: It should be obvious.

Last night actually went very pleasant. I was surprised. I let him know ahead of time that I wanted to watch the debate. He asked me to grab a pizza (and I got the right kind Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)). He offered to cook it and then we watched the debate. When he got bored with it, he didn't distract me but played chess quietly on his phone. He engaged positively with me when I yelled at the candidates and didn't even mind that I was tweeting opinions debate commentary all evening (He usually gets upset when I am on my phone for more than 10 min at a time).

I'm still getting used to those good times. It's been a loong time since we've had them.
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ArleighBurke
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: was married - 15 yrs
Posts: 911


« Reply #4 on: November 12, 2015, 09:49:36 PM »

Yesterday my wife came home from work and just wanted to argue as well.

She said I was making the wrong thing for dinner, cooking it wrong, didn't do the right things with the kids, complained I'd left 'all my tools' (being 1) lying around, didn't like something in the bedroom... .Each one I listened, agreed/validated where I could, and i did get slightly more and more agitated each time. But overall, I just tried to roll with it. Because... .

You asked:

And how do I deal with my hurt and anger when I know that telling him how I feel will result in: 1. Him not understanding my side? 2. Him not even seenig that he did anything wrong?

I think the answer to that is - remember that it's not about you - it's him. HE'S feeling something bad and the effect is it makes him annoyed. Try to understand what HE must be feeling, that his words are not really directed at you, just at his inability to manage his own hurt. If you can do this, then his words start to slide off you and not stick. It's hard to do - words can be painful - but if you can see it the other way - it may help.

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unicorn2014
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Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2574



« Reply #5 on: November 13, 2015, 12:22:56 AM »

Then, I get to work and get this text:

J: THe P.O.D. show. They don't go on until 9pm. The tickets for VIP are 40 and 20 for Gen. Admission. It's a Tuesday.

Me: (Knowing he wants a reason to not go) That's really late.

J: I will send Travis (a friend) with him. (Notice he wants to control the sitatuion by making someone else do what he does not want to do). But thanks for practically commiting me. (Now he blames me because he was not clear about not wanting to go)

Me: Was a final confirmation given?

J: I tried not to. You poking my ribs and winking while he asked didn't help.

Me: I winked? That's weird. I don't wink often.

J: (Ignores last statement because he knows I did not do that) If I end up going, you have to stay up until 1am that night. (He wants to punish me if he isn't brave enough to say no)

Me: Why don't you just tell him you can't go because it's too late on a work night? That's ok to do.

J: Ok

Chilibean13, I can see why you related to my post about emotional blackmail. 

I'm sorry you're going through that. 

Have you thought about redirecting those text conversations to phone calls? Would that help? I have a policy about not getting in a serious text conversation, that is for phone or FaceTime only.

I'm going to wager a guess here that your SO uses your reactions to him to emotionally regulate himself. What if you took those away from him?
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Chilibean13
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 204


« Reply #6 on: November 13, 2015, 07:50:58 AM »

Have you thought about redirecting those text conversations to phone calls? Would that help? I have a policy about not getting in a serious text conversation, that is for phone or FaceTime only.

I'm going to wager a guess here that your SO uses your reactions to him to emotionally regulate himself. What if you took those away from him?

Funny that you suggested we turn the conversations into phone calls because a week ago he was mad that I wanted to talk through text. I can't use my phone at work because I share and office so it makes phone calls difficult unless I am able to take a break. I have been throwing around what boundaries I would like to set and I'm almost ready to get them down on paper. I think I'm going to mention it on Tuesday at our next MC. My H definately has problems understanding emotion in text (which is ironic considering we met in a chat room way back when)

He definately uses my reaction to regulate himself. How do I take that away from him? What do you mean by that?
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unicorn2014
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Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 2574



« Reply #7 on: November 13, 2015, 10:24:10 AM »

Chilibean13, I would say that if it can't be taken care of in a phone call while you're at work then it could wait.

How to take away his being able to regulate himself with your reactions? Don't react. I have a thread called he lied to me... .someone gave me some good advice there and about removing themselves when their SO starts to dysregulate. Do you think you could do that?
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Chilibean13
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 204


« Reply #8 on: November 13, 2015, 11:51:45 AM »

someone gave me some good advice there and about removing themselves when their SO starts to dysregulate. Do you think you could do that?

I'm getting there. I'm not quite there yet. I still have a fear of him getting physical if I try to remove myself from the sitaution. He never has before, but the road to us both getting into recovery started when he began to get very very close to physicially hurting me. I'm pretty sure if we had not gotten help, he was leading up to a murder/suicide. (I also think it was a side effect of being on an SSRI, as he had never been that out of control until the 6 mo prior when he started to take the med). I think if I can get about another month or so under my belt of seeing validation work, I may get the courage to do so.
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unicorn2014
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Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #9 on: November 13, 2015, 06:20:13 PM »

someone gave me some good advice there and about removing themselves when their SO starts to dysregulate. Do you think you could do that?

I'm getting there. I'm not quite there yet. I still have a fear of him getting physical if I try to remove myself from the sitaution. He never has before, but the road to us both getting into recovery started when he began to get very very close to physicially hurting me. I'm pretty sure if we had not gotten help, he was leading up to a murder/suicide. (I also think it was a side effect of being on an SSRI, as he had never been that out of control until the 6 mo prior when he started to take the med). I think if I can get about another month or so under my belt of seeing validation work, I may get the courage to do so.

Yes people keep telling me my situation is easier because I can just end the phone call or the FaceTime call. Meanwhile my therapist is asking me if I feel safe in my relationship and she is pointing out to me what my former sponsor did: that my partner may be appropriate in the future (like after DBT) but right now he's not.

That is a really tough call. The only physical time I've spent with my partner is when he's come to stay with me in my apartment. He's threatened to leave a few times when he's been here, he's ended up sleeping on the floor sometimes or in the other room. I live in a 2BDR apt so there's not a whole lot of space. Do you have another room you could go in and close the door? I've read that other people do that.
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