BPD vs NPD

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

Just venting a bit... .

So my wife has found an internet link to some site talking about NPD and she's sure I'm a narcissist... .her view is I'm unempathetic, mine is I empathize with her feelings but don't validate what she states I'm thinking.

She 'threatened' to buy the book (because afterall, we had to discuss it many times just because she read the synopsis).  I told her I thought it was a good idea, and when she reads the book I think she should see who fits the description of a narcissist best: me, her, my S (her step) or her S (my step).

Of course she still hasn't read the book, and we've had a few more conversations where she claims I'm a narcissist and I ask her when will she actually get the book.

So her S comes into town last weekend.  He's a personal trainer and is into nutrition, working out, and anything related to looking good.  Both him & my w are "chatters", so when the two of them get together it's a constant conversation.

At one point I'm in the other room and I hear him tell my w that everyone at the gym calls him "Hercules"... .well, not to his face, but he's sure that's what they call him.

So I think Oh My Gosh... .is there a section of the NPD self test called the "Hercules test"?  How on earth can my w go through the mental gymnastics necessary to not see this as NPD behavior?

How do you discuss anything of importance with someone who sees my reading books that may or may not describe female body parts as narcissistic behavior (after all, it's all about me and if I love her I wouldn't do that anymore so she wouldn't feel uncomfortable) and yet she can't see "well, they don't call me Hercules to my face but I'm sure they do when I'm not there" as a normal level of self esteem?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

I've noticed that pwBPD tend to accuse others of being exactly what they are - projection.  My wife does it to me, but it's especially apparent when she describes others.  I'm not sure what the best strategy to deal with this behavior is, but I do know that defending yourself, trying to prove you aren't an xyz, or engaging in the accusation are all very bad things to do.  I tend to try and let it pass, knowing it is just projection.  Still hurts to be accused of things that are so blatantly wrong, and never receive apologies.

I had an ex girlfriend who was clearly NPD - she met all the criteria.  My wife is clearly BPD, and meets all the criteria.  But the two of them have some extremely similar behaviors and mannerisms that are identical down to the smallest eerie detail.   Sometimes it feels like my wife actually researched my ex and followed her around for awhile. 

My wife definitely has a component of narcissism to her behavior, but it breaks down over time.  Eventually she comes around to the idea that she is the one with the problem.  My ex was not like that, though.  There was absolutely no convincing her that she wasn't superior to everyone else.

[Cat Familiar]

My psychologist, with whom my husband and I did couples therapy and who I am now seeing individually, does not like to make distinctions between the various personality disorders. She feels that they are fluid and can cycle from one to another and that there's always a new update to the DSM, so what's the point in attaching distinctive labels? Her sense is that it becomes obvious when there's a personality disorder and treatment evolves from that point. She also says that most therapists limit the number of clients with personality disorders because it's so exhausting to treat them. So if therapists get exhausted and overwhelmed seeing someone once a week for an hour, think of us living with them! 

[maxsterling]

My psychologist, with whom my husband and I did couples therapy and who I am now seeing individually, does not like to make distinctions between the various personality disorders. She feels that they are fluid and can cycle from one to another and that there's always a new update to the DSM, so what's the point in attaching distinctive labels? Her sense is that it becomes obvious when there's a personality disorder and treatment evolves from that point. She also says that most therapists limit the number of clients with personality disorders because it's so exhausting to treat them. So if therapists get exhausted and overwhelmed seeing someone once a week for an hour, think of us living with them! 

I think my wife exhausts her T, exhausts her AA sponsors, exhausts her supervisors at work, and exhausts our MC.  That's not to say they don't like her or want to help.  They get exhausted because they see the same issues over and over and my Ws lack of initiative to follow instructions or advice for very long.  Instead they hear excuses and complaints. 

[waverider]

She doesn't see any problems with "Hercules" as he is not a threat. He talks about himself, he is not criticizing her. He is probably not even interested enough in her views to be worth disagreeing with them.

She sees you as a threat for whatever reason. Probably because you wont agree with her views, hence she needs to find a reason to blame you for her woes. Projection.

Remember pwBPD act on defensive needs and make a reality to justify that end. They are not into balancing reality in an objective way, in order to find a balanced conclusion.

In short if anyone appears a threat, they need to tear them down. Hence nothing can be achieve while an atmosphere of conflict exists. Logic has no place in it

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

She sees you as a threat for whatever reason. Probably because you wont agree with her views, hence she needs to find a reason to blame you for her woes. Projection.

Remember pwBPD act on defensive needs and make a reality to justify that end. They are not into balancing reality in an objective way, in order to find a balanced conclusion.

It always baffled me that she works very hard to find reasons I was responsible for the breakup of my first marriage... .

Her first husband (passed away in 2007) had a very turbulent childhood and consequently was very laid back and went along with anything rather than make waves... .so you might be on to something.