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Author Topic: At the end of my road  (Read 434 times)
HurtFromBPD

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« on: November 10, 2015, 02:22:32 PM »

I've been struggling with characteristics of a BPD personality for a lot longer than I want to admit. Until recently, I was unaware how pervasive a mental illness could be. My wife had an affair. The justification and logic for her were classic splitting/paranoia of small needs that weren't being met that were blown up into large needs. She's painted me to her close circle as a horrible, horrible person.  She says she wants to work on the relationship, but at the same time is lying to me about still communicating and leaning on the "other guy". I believe this is due to her fear for being abandoned by him and the fact that he's validated every "situation" that she has had (i.e. taken her side). Recently she's quite her therapist because of the "she's not hearing what she wants to hear". Last weekend, she sent everyone "I love you" texts that were essentially good bye texts and was thinking about suicide. I need help in getting the "other guy" out of her life as well as the best approach to have her recognize the issue. I believe that is she can say "yes I'm sick, I have this in my life" then we can start working on reality vs. fighting the irrational.
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waverider
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7405


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #1 on: November 10, 2015, 07:03:28 PM »

Welcome

Sorry to hear you dealing with this. You will find a lot of support here from many who have, or are, dealing with the same issues.

A major issue with pwBPD as you have pointed out is a need for validation. The best way for her to let go of her outside interest is for her to feel support and validation from you , hence the outside need will diminish. This is easier said than done. I does not simply mean agreeing with all her need sand wants. it does mean hearing them and showing tou are taking them seriously, but you still have to be strong in following your own values, consistently.

Consistency is a key issue. pwBPD can handle black and with decisions as long as they are consistent. it provides the structure they lack. They do not respect those who bend easily to their whims. The instant gratification this brings is short lived.

Are there any particular issues or examples you would like to work through?

Waverider
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  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
HurtFromBPD

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #2 on: November 11, 2015, 08:42:39 AM »

So many issues. I feel like I'm literally at the end of my emotional strength. Last night there was a rage attack. Saturday she took actions to commit suicide including sending farewell "I love You" texts and shopping for "last gifts" before the police found her. Last night she was raging about how I used her best friend against her. How I did exactly what she "told" (it's always about controlling language with her) me not to do. This time, it got ugly because she was relentless and didn't let up in front of the kids. It's hard to imagine right now, but I'm sure it's happened quite a bit to others, but have you have seen your BPD loved one get that look that is 100% full of hatred and viciousness?  She settled down (her parents are staying with us and not letting her be alone), and then came downstairs and spent time in front of the kids like nothing happened. It's hard to process the on/off switch, I just can't hide the emotional drama like she can. It's hard to understand how she can sleep while this crap keeps me up. My feelings right now are sadness (for her, for me, for our kids, for her dad to see this, for our future), abused (verbally accosted time and time again as well as emotionally assaulted), and anger (mad about being helpless, mad at not knowing how the person you love the most can turn so quickly on you and 17 years of marriage).

My saving grace at this point is she's telling her mom that she needs to get help and we (not really me directly since anything I say or do has a "evil connotation" associated with it as if I'm trying to hurt her, I know this is the paranoia rearing it's ugly head) are trying to get her an evaluation appointment.

My thoughts right now is if she can put a name to what's happening (i.e. I'm a BPD) that this will start the understanding and ultimately healing process. I haven't started healing from the affair because I haven't gotten what I need from her. I know she's not at a point to give me what I need, but it's still so hard to cope with her not even recognizing the little things that could be done that would help my internal turmoil. It's like if I could tell her that what ever decision she is going to make, starting making the opposite of that and then your on your way to recovery.

Anyone have experience with their BPD loved one during this stage (i.e. pre-diagnosis) and give me words of wisdom on what's worked for you and what to expect in the next chapter of this saga?
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babyducks
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2920



« Reply #3 on: November 11, 2015, 05:16:47 PM »

Hi HurtfromBPD,

I can relate to being at the end your emotional strength.  I was too when I got here.  You have been through a lot.   Being on the receiving end of a BPD rage is draining at best.   I am a pretty strong person and it took a huge toll on me.

Let me offer you a two links to take a look at that explain a little about the treatment of BPD.

Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy

and

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD


The reason I like the first link is it talks about how the mentally ill don't 'see' themselves as ill.   Their world view looks normal to them.  My partner is Bipolar and BPD and will often act surprised that I don't see things the same way she does.

The second link discusses how to be supportive.   I find them helpful.

I meet my partner after she was diagnosed, and for her, she never liked the term BPD.  Here where we live there is a stigma attached to the label so she is very uncomfortable with it.   What we do instead is talk about symptoms or behaviors without ever using the clinical term.   It works for us.  

It's taken a long time, years,  for my partner to make progress in therapy.  She has.   But it wasn't rapid and it wasn't always linear.   There were a lot of ups and downs along the way.

Are you finding time to take care of yourself at all?  Eating?   Sleeping?   Maybe a little exercise?   I know that is hard to do.

'ducks
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What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
Cole
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 563


« Reply #4 on: November 11, 2015, 05:50:53 PM »

HurtfromBPD,

My prayers are with you, as I have gone through much of the same.   

Read the lessons, read related posts, and know there is a lot of support here. You are not alone!
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HurtFromBPD

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 3


« Reply #5 on: November 13, 2015, 03:30:55 PM »

Thanks you so much, the articles were great. Took my wife into an Intake Councilor at a local private hospital. She diagnosed my wife with severe Depression. She only seemed interested in looking into Axis 1 ailments. Is this common in those cases? How does one get actually diagnosed w/ BPD. Need to set up a new councilor. Psychiatrists are very difficult to find in my area. Does that matter? Any type of "councilor" that I should be staying way from?
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teapay
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married 14 years
Posts: 294


« Reply #6 on: November 13, 2015, 03:59:12 PM »

It can be hard to get a BPD dx.

Counselors often don't like to dx folks with BPD, because the BPD can react badly to it and bolt treatment.  Bpds often react to a BPD dx like a vampire to a cross.  Also BPD has a bad stigma in therapeutic circles as being unpleasant to treat and untreatable.  So BPD patients could get shunned or treated badly by staff. It is like an albatross around their neck.   Lastly, as axis 2, many insurances won't cover it.  It frequently gets dx as mdd, ptsd or bipolar.  My W operating dx is mdd and ptsd.
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