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Author Topic: Boyfriend left me yet again  (Read 414 times)
Sunflower123
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: November 11, 2015, 10:30:07 AM »

I have lived together with my boyfriend for over 5 years.  He is 29 & I am 30. For many reasons I believe that he may possibly be BPD/Narcissistic. He has never been diagnosed and he has refused to talk to anyone about this. First of all let me say that throughout everything we have been through I still love him with all my heart. When everything is going good my boyfriend is a very happy, thoughtful, generous, and loving man.  He makes me feel so special and cared for. When things go bad he denies ever caring for me saying that I've forced him to be with me. He just wants to be alone and he resents me. We have broken up many times because of this. I will admit that all of these times I have begged him to come back and he eventually does, but sometimes it can take weeks to months.   

We haven't had a bad "episode" now since July.  When this happens he completely pushes me away and cuts me out of his life.  This usually happens with a very cruel email.  I now also realize that this seems to happen after I "complain" to him about something... it doesn't have to be anything big and it will only happen every 3-9 months.  So this weekend went pretty normal I "complained" about him not contacting a repair man yet and he snapped at me once, but then we stopped talking about it so I thought everything was fine.  We went for coffee, watched movies, I made dinner, we saw friends, he told me how lucky he is to have me, he just bought me a new iphone as a gift a week ago, and he gave me a gym membership on Sunday... which now doesn't make any sense.  We even talked about Christmas plans and he seemed overall happy.

Fast forward to this monday... .He was messaging me like normal on Facebook from work all day.  I told him I was making a cake (which he loves) and he was happy about it.  Then that evening I asked him when he was going to be home and I get this really long message from him.  He basically said he's not coming home he's going to be staying with a friend.  He had already packed a suitecase.  He said he's tried to be happy but it doesn't work because he's miserable day after day.  He said he puts on a fake face and he just wants to be alone... not in a relationship.  That I'm forcing him to live a life he can't stand.  Also he doesn't want to talk about it and he'd rather sleep on the floor somewhere... .etc. etc.

I just said, "what? Honey I'm confused".  He replied that he's been waiting for a year to do this.  He said if I don't leave him alone he will disappear and not tell anyone.  I said fine and left him alone.  I felt like he punched me in the stomach and since this has happened before I knew what I was going to be in for. 

I didn't contact him at all even though I usually would have.  Yesterday night he messaged me to see if I want to talk.  I said sure and then he didn't call.  Later on he said he's avoiding talking because he doesn't know how to.

Then today I messaged him if he could call me on break.  He did.  He was acting very cold and crying.  I told him we need to talk tonight, but he said he won't talk to me face to face because he can't handle it.  He told me that I will just beg him to come back.  I stayed calm the whole time, but the conversation did not go well.  I made a small joke to try to lighten the mood and show him I was being friendly.  I said, "well that's ok we aren't going to our class tonight... I didn't do my homework anyway" (we take a class together once a week).  He told me he didn't like what I said because he thought that meant I didn't get the relationship was over  

Anyway he said he told EVERYONE we are broken up and that's it.  I can't sway him one way or the other.  He said if I ask him to come back when we talk tonight he will hang up on me. 

I'm just at a loss of what to do.  I really love him.  I don't want to force him to be with me.  I just can't tell if he really wants the breakup or he's pushing me away like all the other times.  It's very confusing.  If I leave it will be a big step.  I am not from the country we are living in and I will most likely go home which is a 14 hour plane trip.  I want to stay and support him, but I don't know how when he acts like I am the enemy.  I have never cheated on him, betrayed him, or done anything like that.  I'm not perfect, but I think I have been nice to him.  Even after he just left I have not once yelled at him or been rude.  Any advice for when I talk to him tonight?  I really want to try to diffuse the situation... .anything I shouldn't bring up?  I could really use some help right now.  I am devastated  :'(

 
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Lovingme35
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« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2015, 11:19:35 AM »

I am in the exact same position that you are in. I have been with my bfwBPD for about two years. We have a history of him breaking up with me about every three months, usually after I have somehow indicated that I am unhappy with his behavior. Then we break up for about two weeks. This time he told me he found me unattractive and he wanted me to go back to online dating. That we would not be getting back together. That he wasn't going to let it happen. I am hurt and confused as to if this is really the end. I am trying to keep myself busy and focus on myself but it has been hard. I am sorry you are having to deal with this as well.
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Sunflower123
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« Reply #2 on: November 12, 2015, 08:52:41 PM »

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through such a similar situation!  That is really terrible.  The weird thing is that last time my bf actually left our house over a year ago he told me that it was because he thought I was "ugly", he wasn't attracted to me, and he also suggested that I date other people. He then ended up coming back eventually, but it took over a month.  I found out he told a friend that he was panicking about the thought of me dating other guys.     My bf is also always very adamant about not getting back together ever again even if I don't suggest it.     

As an update to this recent breakup:  He told me yesterday that he would be coming home and staying overnight tonight.  He said he needed to do his laundry... .  I just said that was fine.  He then told me that if I had to cry when he came over I should go into another room.  I thought that was a strange comment to make.  When I didn't contact him all day today he sent me a video to watch.  When he came over tonight he just walked in without calling first (he said he forgot).  He acted really nice towards me.  I didn't know how to act so I was just friendly, but a not overly.  He sat down with me when I ate and sat on the couch with me after and watched tv.  When I wasn't paying that much attention to him he would do things to get my attention like "poke" me.  I didn't really react to that.  He helped with some chores around the house.  He asked to try some of the food I made.  I reluctantly said sure and he raved about it like it was the best thing. 

We went to bed now and he went into the spare room.  He said good night and that it was really nice to come over.  Well tomorrow he plans on going back to his friend's house to stay.  He is acting like this is all normal even though he just ended an over five year relationship.  I am so confused by his behavior.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  It is difficult to talk to any of my friends about this because they can't relate at all.  I'm just trying to take one day at a time.  I think this weekend is going to be difficult for me.  The last time he broke up with me he tried to hook up with other women right away and I'm really worried that he's going to try to do the same thing this time        
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unicorn2014
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #3 on: November 13, 2015, 12:30:17 AM »

Hi   Sunflower 123, Welcome to BPD family. 

I am sorry you're going through that, it sounds really hard.  :'(

It sounds like you have support back home.

May I ask what brought you to this country in the first place?

It sounds like your boyfriend is giving you mixed messages, he wants to break up with you yet he wants the comfort of being able to call you and know you are still there. Do I have this correct?

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Sunflower123
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 58



« Reply #4 on: November 15, 2015, 09:04:47 AM »

I moved to this country to be with my boyfriend.  We had been living together in my home country and then he got an amazing job offer, but had to move overseas.  He first went by himself and we had a LDR for 8 months.  After that he decided to stay in Europe and he came back to help me move in with him here.  I really trusted my bf at that time and after having a LDR for so long I thought it would be amazing to finally be together again.  I pretty much gave up my career to be with him which I now regret.  The work I have found here in my career field is very limited due to the language barrier.

My situation back home is also complicated.  I have very good support from two of my family members back home and one of them knows about my current situation.  My mother does not like my bf and has refused to meet him... she never has and that is another whole story.   She was furious when I decided to move and for this reason I have a very complicated relationship with my parents. 

I do feel like my boyfriend is giving me mixed messages.  When he came over the other day he was flirting with me and said that he enjoyed being over.  I haven't heard from him much now since then.  Yesterday morning he just texted me that he put money in my back account to help pay for our pet's recent expenses.  I just said thank you to him and that was the last I heard.  It is really hard for me because I usually try to contact him and he's probably expecting me to.  Even though I want to get back together with him I just feel too hurt and rejected to even try this time.  I am just waiting and hoping that he comes back.  I have found out that he has been partying every night again just like all the other times he has left me.  That is always an indicator of things to come because other times he is more of a homebody and I usually have to convince him to go out.  I feel completely abandoned.

Am I doing the right thing by not contacting him or should I try to reach out soon?  He has always come back to me, but it has been after me trying to reconcile with him.  I'm worried that this time he has just split me for good.     
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babyducks
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #5 on: November 15, 2015, 10:18:44 AM »

Welcome Sunflower123

people with BPD do give mixed messages, sometimes not deliberately.   the intense emotional swings they experience can be very confusing to us.

have you seen this link yet?

Borderline Personality Disorder - A Clinical Perspective


it is natural to be worried about extreme behavior.   it's confusing.   the thing is, if you continually react to the emotional swings, you will end up exhausted and over identified with his emotions.   

the best thing is to focus on you, what makes you comfortable and takes the best care of you.   the lessons on the right hand side of the screen will help with that.

'ducks
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