Trying not to be defensive

[RaisenCane]

After a long day at work which included 6 hours of driving, a full day in the office and an hour counseling session, I was looking forward to getting home.  I received a text from my wife ~ 1/2 hour before I got home asking when I would be home. I told her it would be about 30 minutes and asked why. She said she was ready to punch out after being with the kids all day and wanted to take a drive to call a friend. I told her to go ahead as I would be home soon and our 12, 13 and 14 year olds were there as well. She texts me back indicating she needs to make sure everyone gets their work done and gets to bed early because she thinks its important. Sensing she was on the defensive and upset, I tell her that I know she does and I thank her for everything she does and am sincere about it (PS I was dictating the texts not typing them.)

I asked her how her day was and she immediately asked how my counseling session was. I tried to divert it and should have said that it was private but brought up a few things that were said.  The conversation immediately spiraled from there and we discussed separating again. I told her on Sunday if she wanted to separate she would need to find a place and pay for it as I was not interested in separating or divorce. She tells me she wants to do the separation nicely but I obviously want to do it the hard way.  I remind her that she had an affair and I'm being punished by her wanting me to be separated from the kids every other week and she reminds that we had a bad marriage for the past 13 years and I brought this on. (We had conversation ~ every other year how she wanted me to change but neither I nor any of our close friends or family knew our marriage was serious jeopardy.)

I'm trying to stay positive and have good, controlled conversations but finding it very difficult to do so as I get defensive as I take these conversations personally.

Any suggestions you can give me to steer these conversations to more positive territory and not take them so personally is greatly appreciated.  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[unicorn2014]

Hi RaisenCane, I can't offer any words of advice as I've not been in that position, however I think you're on to something by realizing you should have told her your therapy session was private. I have the same problem with my pwpbd when he asks me how my counseling session went. How are your boundaries with your wife? That would be a boundary issue around the privacy thing. I think perhaps knowing ahead of time what you will and won't talk about when you see your wife might help, perhaps even writing a few things down. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, having teens and a significant other with BPD is not easy.

[waverider]

After a long day at work which included 6 hours of driving, a full day in the office and an hour counseling session, I was looking forward to getting home.  I received a text from my wife ~ 1/2 hour before I got home asking when I would be home. I told her it would be about 30 minutes and asked why. She said she was ready to punch out after being with the kids all day and wanted to take a drive to call a friend. I told her to go ahead as I would be home soon and our 12, 13 and 14 year olds were there as well. She texts me back indicating she needs to make sure everyone gets their work done and gets to bed early because she thinks its important. Sensing she was on the defensive and upset, I tell her that I know she does and I thank her for everything she does and am sincere about it (PS I was dictating the texts not typing them.)

I asked her how her day was and she immediately asked how my counseling session was. I tried to divert it and should have said that it was private but brought up a few things that were said.  The conversation immediately spiraled from there and we discussed separating again. I told her on Sunday if she wanted to separate she would need to find a place and pay for it as I was not interested in separating or divorce. She tells me she wants to do the separation nicely but I obviously want to do it the hard way.  I remind her that she had an affair and I'm being punished by her wanting me to be separated from the kids every other week and she reminds that we had a bad marriage for the past 13 years and I brought this on. (We had conversation ~ every other year how she wanted me to change but neither I nor any of our close friends or family knew our marriage was serious jeopardy.)

I'm trying to stay positive and have good, controlled conversations but finding it very difficult to do so as I get defensive as I take these conversations personally.

Any suggestions you can give me to steer these conversations to more positive territory and not take them so personally is greatly appreciated.  

Daddyx5

What if you stopped the conversation before the bit in italics.? You stated your view, there was no need to back it up, that just automatically creates a need for her to counter. She WILL have the last word, don't give her more than one shot at it. That just feeds her feeling of injustice

[RaisenCane]

Unicorn 2014 - I have issues with my boundaries and tend to say too much to try to get my point across. I need to remember that less is more sometimes.

Waverider - Excellent advice again.  I need to be better at walking away. When I do try to walk away, she'll say "stop walking away and have an adult conversation" with me which then gets heated and spirals downward. I knew walking into the house last night that I it wasn't going to be a good scene but thought I could control it. Obviously I have a long way to go to learn to not take these conversations so personally. I'm actually starting to think I may be BPD.

[unicorn2014]

Unicorn 2014 - I have issues with my boundaries and tend to say too much to try to get my point across. I need to remember that less is more sometimes.

RaisenCane

Don't beat yourself up for having issues with boundaries, people with BPD have issues with pushing boundaries. That is not your fault. It is not easy to remember less in more. I myself am really struggling with that issue today and my pwBPD is long distance. I imagine its a lot harder to set boundaries with someone you live with.

Have you read the lesson on boundaries? Or any books on boundaries?

[RaisenCane]

I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" earlier this year (which she found the other day). I believe it's time for me to revisit the chapter on boundaries.

[unicorn2014]

I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" earlier this year (which she found the other day). I believe it's time for me to revisit the chapter on boundaries.

There is also a really excellent lesson here on boundaries. You might find it helpful to read that and then post a response . I wish you luck with this one.

[waverider]

I'm actually starting to think I may be BPD.

some of the environment rubs off and we mirror it back, sometimes trying to outdo them and in turn becoming dysregulated ourselves. This is the projection path they use to turn themselves into victim and us prosecutor, which we validate by reacting this way.

It is hard to break the pattern, but recognizing it is the first step.

A good piece of advise I was given once: Dont argue with a person with a personality disorder as they will drag you down to the same level and beat you with experience and lack of ethics. This pretty much holds true with pwBPD I have found... Just dont try winging anything, their verbal gymnastics will leave you for dead.