What to do...

[Moorwen]

Hi, i came here probably with same reason as most of people did... .searching for answers. I live in Europe, and have met girl via online game World of Warcraft also from Europe, but other side of continent. It was strange that we met, and after talking to each other in length for couple of days, i came to realize i smile a lot am happy, and it all seemed like dream. In 10 days she told me she loved me. I didn't know what to say, i wasn't in relationship for a long time (i have 31 and she 29) and i said i loved her too. Seemed like truth at a time, and i still feel it. We exchanged phone numbers and continued to build our lives both in game and a bit outside. After only couple days it was first time she left, she kept repeating i deserved better person and i kept persuading her i wanted her in my life. Her words like were from my very soul, she knew what to say better then if i told her myself, yet her actions didn't back up her words. At start she told me she had bipolar disorder (and month later BPD too) but since i knew a bit about it i kept firm in my will to make life together. I honestly thought i found person i was waiting for my whole life. I noticed her telling lies about various stuff in game. I kept giving her gifts which she would later sell for currency. When i would ask her about it, she said she wanted to buy me present and that she didn't had anything else but those things i gave her. She put blame for all on me again, said i ruined everything and that was first time i noticed i begged her not to give up on us. I totally forgot the manipulations she did, and i felt like horrible person. We continued after it, but only couple days later she cheated on me again, big time. Since this time i was sure what she did, i told over our mutual friend there i was leaving forever. Two times she tried to lie again and then in the end told me story how she was doing all those things (in game) cause her ex boyfriend (first she said she left him cause he cheated on her, second time she said he was abusive, and now she told me he was stalking her in reality and she had to send him stuff in game ((cause they met in game too)) so he would leave her alone) was stalking her both in game and reality. I'm not a fool (well not big one) and i did noticed some things that were supporting her new version to an extent that she didn't seem to lie. I decided to trust her again, but she then turned the table around and left me, said it was over. To be sure she wasn't with me to cheat me out of stuff there, i gave it all away, everything i had. I told her that, so i would test her if she would stay. She spent almost 5 days cold treating me, cause she was saying she couldn't bear the shame of her actions. Seeing how it was long distance relationship i had only 2 options, to trust her or not. Throughout that time she was really showing low self esteem, even though she is beautiful girl in reality she would say she didn't believed it was so. So we got back together again. Spent 2 days (2x 6-7 hours) talking, playing and laughing, and then i wished her good night and went asleep. In morning i was informed by people we played with she stole big amount of stuff from all of us, then changed faction, race, gender, name and then dissapeared. She left me heartbreaking note, how i was her everything and that she had to move on. That morning when i waited her for hours she came online (deleted me on phone) she said she met someone else and that she loved him. I wished them great life together and went away. I was crushed. Most of time, except those few nice days we had i felt utterly destroyed by actions i couldn't put any logic in. One moment she would be dream come true of a girl, next some kind of malicious demon... .

I decided to leave it all, but remained for a day, and noticed her new character (old one but changed) and spoke to her. She was arrogant, sounded totally like different person and i thought she was just cheating on my kindness whole time. It moved on for a day, and then she again jumped factions, changed race, name (In day it was 100 euros expense, more then she got from me in totality, so no logic that she was in it for greed). Next day we talked a bit more, and she asked if i really wanted to know her. i said yes. She told me after month she had BPD, that sometimes she have "black" days, and her memory and mind gets blurry, that issues and troubles we had were all caused by it. She was also in middle of moving to new home which issued big amount of stress on her, so i backed her up again. I told her i wasn't going to leave her cause of her disorders or turn my back on her (i suspected all else in her life did so), and that i was willing to fight for our love. After that day, she suddenly deleted me from game, told me on phone later she deleted her character (and i couldn't trace her like i could before so i believed her, but again i had doubts). Then she had "enemy" day, when she was doubting all. I wrote her big message full of love and compassion to calm her, and it seemed ok. Then i noticed she was going cold on me. All messages were made on my initiative, she would see them, then reply shortly half a day later. And after few days she told me she was falling in depression and that she loved me. I kept giving her support, while in same time heartache was literally choking me. I lost 15kgs, my immune system came to be nonexistent in 40 days of our love, i can barely sleep... .

Two days ago i sent her couple messages supporting her the best i could and i asked her to give me her new address (never told me any official information, like address etc... .) cause i wanted to send her a love letter from time to time. After that not a word from her for 2 days now. She is completely ignoring me. I haven't wrote her after it too. Don't know what to do... .Its so hard to let go of dreams and hopes i had, which she planted in me, but i feel it, if i can't trust her, if i can't count on her, then there is no relationship really. My country is really poor, so i planed to save couple months to visit her, but i'm not even sure if she would want to see me. All this is complete paradox to me now. I have a feeling that any real proof i would ask of her about her commitment would fail and be ignored... .I don't know what to think. She would keep saying: Follow your heart... .and i did, but now for days i feel so bad about all of this i feel slipping in major depression (had it once, took 2 and half years to overcome it), dropping down like rock... .

Any advice is welcome, and i thank you all in advance for your patience and kindness... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

Hi Moorwen.

You will find you are in the company of friends here.  All of us have been in your shoes.   Many of our stories are very similar.   I too thought I had found my soul mate,  the perfect relationship I had been waiting and dreaming for only to be battered by the realities of living with a serious mental illness.   This is tough stuff.

Here is my advice.  Read.  Read.  Read.    and Post.   Post.   Post.   There is something about the process of educating yourself and talking about things that will help.  You have made a great first step in reaching out.   You are on your way now.

Here is a link to get you started on your reading.

Borderline Personality Disorder - A Clinical Perspective

Had you ever heard of BPD before your GF mentioned it to you?

'ducks

[ChangingOfTides]

One parallel, i met my current pwBPDw also through World of Warcraft, but she only lived not so far away luckily.

"Her words like were from my soul" is something i recognize too. Even through the gamechat she was able to write those things that sounded so familiar to my own soul too... .the soul mate feeling between a lonely child and an abandonned child i learned in Therapy... .

That was many years ago, and we are still together, yet i now know those initial months and years she may have been mirroring me all the way, including picking up parts of my very own lifestyle and interests, as part of the idealisation phase. Which ofcourse goes into decay and then you start to see a completely different person underneath... .or several different personality modes, that come and go depending on the situation. Parts of that initial person you met are still there, but caught like a ghost in the BPD spiderweb... .

in BPD everything is black and white, its either a Fairytale or a Doomsday story. And its extremely hard on you when it starts to flip in an eye blink... .It feel like this Beautiful Blood Elf suddenly turns into a completely destructive Orc ;-)

[Moorwen]

Ty for your support guys. Today i realized she blocked me on phone, which was last thing i could have contacted her with. In the end i wrote her message i need to leave to heal and recover myself but that i believe in her and love her still (which i do). Its so hard to love and leave, but its better like that. In my last note i sent her my address and told her if she ever wanted to meet me, she would find arms wide open, but that i couldn't spend days like i did now waiting for any sign of her. This is by far very important experience in my life, which will  change me forever. I have no doubts about it.

I did read a lot yes. After my episode with depression in past i tried to organize self help group in my University so i did read about it a bit too then, but i never encountered it in such close and personal manner. If there was anything in this world to help her, i would go on quest for it, even if it meant my life, but i know it is only up to her, to recover and try to work on her life to get better. I realized by reading articles here (and really it is life saving) that i had much of compassion for her, and that i was codependent. What it made it hard to close this chapter in my life is also how much she treasured me as person. Never in my life i was so much in someones eyes, till moment i caught myself telling her, i'm not special too much, but that i just experienced some things. Learning about BPD and about how it is probably caused by some trauma from childhood made it difficult for me also, cause i had traumatic childhood, and like her i was alone in dealing with it. I felt that leaving her would be like spitting on my own life and what happen. Yet i can't but see, that she is ignoring me and use push - pull system, which i couldn't longer bear.

I do feel empty and disappointed, cause its hard to believe in finding soul mate again after this. Throughout my life i was always attracted to girls who had some disorders, to an extent i believe i never looked with hope at someone who haven't struggle with something of this kind. I never was in serious relationship i put my whole mind and soul in it before now. Cause i spent most of my childhood and adolescent years in hospital, and cause of several other life situations i just didn't count on love, but always wanted it. Was never driven by lust either, but only was looking for one kind soul who would accept me. With her i thought i found that. For year i was in some kind on apathy of no hope and faith when she came. She would speak of it, of how i should live and hope, how she would love me and accept me. It all seemed like ending of one long hard road i was on since i was born. I felt at home with her. Really did... .The worst thing is, i so wished to hug her and to see her, and i never probably will. I know i would be wonderful person to love, kind, supportive and respectful (and i look quite good too ) yet i always searched for that special person, and was she the one?

Part of me is telling me, i'll be alone forever and that in years i will wonder if i did all i could. I know i did, yet i wish it was possible to live and last... .

Ty for your kindness and help, really means so much to me, not to be alone in this all. <3

[babyducks]

Hi moorwen,

I would recommend visiting  the leaving board.  They feel exactly like you do.  It can help to walk through this with someone.

[Moorwen]

Ty, i will.