Lied to me about being married and lied to me about divorcing

[unicorn2014]

Form flier it's relevant because I have to feel safe on my own thread.

My family is not supportive .

I think talking about my family got me off track here.

That's for the coping board.

The subject is me coming to grips with the reality of my situation.

If my family was supportive I wouldn't be in this position in the first place.

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I would like to focus on  gagirl's point about my boundaries being tested.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[unicorn2014]

Grey kitty,

It was his idea to meet my family the first time he visited me.

My family did not support me when I divorced.

My mom does not approve of him having a relationship with me while he's still married.

My dad likes him.

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I think this subject is not relevant here.

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I'm trying to come to grips with the reality of my situation. The mods retitled my thread.

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For me I feel like my whole r/s has been a lie . Finding out his divorce wasn't filed changed everything for me. I've been living with that for 2 months. That's what the focus of this thread is.

[unicorn2014]

Actually to be fair to him I don't remember whose idea it was to meet my parents. All I know is I feel very different today then I did then.

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I guess moving forward its about forgiveness.

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He is helpful to me as a coparent.

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So he lied to me about being married, it looks like he might have lied to me about filing for divorce , and he's a good stepparent . Quite the dialectic.

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Sounds like a BPD relationship?

[Cat Familiar]

What if you tell him that you can't be engaged as long as he's married? You can be his friend and you can appreciate his positive support in helping you with your daughter.

I guess I'm not afraid of triggering a dysregulation anymore. I've been through so many. It seems like dysregulations are full of sound and fury signifying nothing. A storm that passes quickly if I ignore it. And being long distance, it's easy to ignore--not like it's occurring in your living room.

[unicorn2014]

Cat familiar that is what I'm working up to. We can be partners but not engaged. We don't get to have the propriety of engagement until he is divorced. I don't think I will initiate the conversation but when it becomes necessary I will respond.

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I got back on a former medication my former psychiatrist prescribed to help me sleep. I can see it's making a difference. I think when my neurotransmitters are healed from the anxiety I've been dealing with since April (regarding parenting challenges) I'll be in a better position to speak my truth to my partner. Timing is important. First I have to become whole again. I think when my own neurotransmitters are fully charged I'll be less afraid of a dysregulation . I'm getting there. 

[formflier]

 

Why label the r/s? 

Just say that you will be in touch with him when you can use his help with your daughter... .and appreciate any help he can provide.

FF

[unicorn2014]

Because form flier it's not a platonic relationship and that definitely wouldn't be appropriate.

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Taking the relationship out of the realm of the religious: engagement and bringing it down to the level of the secular: partnership is where I'm at now.

I'm willing to accept the possibility he lied to me about filing for divorce. His last explanation for why he couldn't provide me with irrefutable proof he filed  was so preposterous that even I had to laugh at it.

I have to be able to be authentic in the relationship. Treating him as a friend that helps me with my daughter would not be that. The reasons I was drawn to him had nothing to do with my daughter. Just like you observed with your wife, my partner is still that person I fell in love with. I fell in love with his public persona and then when I got to know him it was a different story.

I'm trying to make my peace  with thE facts as they stand today (I have no proof he filed for divorce) and go forward, if I can.

He did not inquire as to why I was guarded yesterday which is a good thing.

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I think rather then talk about dysregulation it will be helpful to talk about why people with BPD lie. I've seen others on the staying board struggling with this same issue.

[formflier]

I think rather then talk about dysregulation it will be helpful to talk about why people with BPD lie. I've seen others on the staying board struggling with this same issue.

Because it fits what they believe their feelings need at that moment... .

Then... sometimes they build up such momentum they have to hang with it.

There is most likely something that you are not aware of with his marriage that is the holdup.

As you are beginning to realize... there are just to many preposterous answers for something that is a simple thing to do. (file for divorce)

FF

[unicorn2014]

Form flier, it's not the filing I'm questioning, it's the not being able to show me proof that he did. That is what is not working for me. His latest excuse is he deleted the picture of the escrow paper off his phone after  uploading it to his laptop and now his laptop isn't working and his phone is out of space so he can't take another one . Yet he's still able to work and go to the market. I'm not pushing the point because I lose self respect when I do however I am not happy. I am definitely more guarded since Wednesday which is when he told me about this latest course of events. I was able to tell him that it looks like he's lying to me, even though he says he's not.

[formflier]

 

So... .do you believe he has filed for divorce?

FF

[Grey Kitty]

Geez, that series of excuses has a credibility level like "My dog ate my homework. Well, it will as soon as I buy a dog, anyway."

If you stop asking for proof, he might just stop lying about it 

[formflier]

 

In this case... .it's more like "my homework ate my dog... ."

And... .at some point there just needs to be a statement of belief... .which doesn't need to be shared with the pwBPD about if the guy is credible or not.  (or whatever label you want to put on it)

Then you have choices to make.  If you want to be with a person with this type of credibility... .that is your choice to make. 


FF

[KateCat]

A friend of mine is in the middle of divorce, following a long marriage. One of the first demands he received from his wife's attorney was for production of three years' worth of bank statements, credit card statements, and other financial records (as is standard in the U.S.).

Divorce would take a lot of courage for a man who has kept financial secrets from his wife.

[unicorn2014]

Formflier , the short answer is yes.

[unicorn2014]

Kate cat I hear you and to make matters more complicated he and his wife owned a business together. Thank you for that input. I found reading the divorce board helpful so I think will read that again. I'm not that familiar with the divorce process.

[unicorn2014]

Grey kitty , I have stopped asking for proof. I think what will help me in my spare time is to read the divorce board to get a better understanding of what he is going through.

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[formflier]

Formflier , the short answer is yes.

So, you believe he filed for divorce.

How long do you think it will be until the divorce is final?

FF

[unicorn2014]

FF, he filed with his lawyer , his lawyer did not file with the court or the court did not file the papers , he's looking for a new lawyer. That's his  story.

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[formflier]

FF, he filed with his lawyer , his lawyer did not file with the court or the court did not file the papers , he's looking for a new lawyer. That's his  story.

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And... .do you believe this story?  What does your gut say?

FF

[unicorn2014]

Ft I do . My gut tells me to stay out of it.