So confused

[Saradane]

Me and my BPDxgf broke up two days ago. I have not initiated contact!I refuse to say hi first. She has been hanging around all my fraternity brothers, and going on all my fraternity events uninvited. I have not gone to an event because I knew that she be there. I unfollowed her on social media, but she still follows me. If she insists that she never wants to be together again, and that she's "done" then why is she doing this?

Yesterday at one of our fraternity events, my best friend went up to her and he said she seemed fine, and if anything, she looked "relieved". Of course she feels relieved, she is the one who broke up with me and she is out drinking having a good time. It's only been two days! It takes a while for someone to start missing someone, right?

The last time we went NC, we didn't speak for 48 hours. She called me at 2 A.M, and then she insisted on hanging out, which we did. So after today, this will be the longest that we have gone without speaking. I don't really expect her to reach out to me within the next few days, because she will be busy having a lot of fun on some other things.

I have already taken steps to deal with the anxiety. I've been seeing a therapist, and now I am on Zoloft at the recommendation of my therapist and doctors.

I have read countless posts saying that to get them back, you must invest time in yourself. Ignore them, be happy, focus on self growth, and they will come back. Before we say you don't her back, I do, as she is a high functioning Borderline, and I just need to learn to how be with someone like this. This site, and proper education can help me with that.

Questions-

1. Should I continue to hold out? Not talk to her, and be fine?

2. What do you make of all this?

She has the power in this relationship right now, and I don't want a power struggle, I just want equal opportunity. Thank you, guys.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[cloudten]

Well, I am sorry you are going through this... .i can certainly empathize with the anxiety.

I can share with you a bit of my experience. I broke up with my pwBPD after a year. We never really stopped talking. For a year he had another girlfriend i wasn't aware of. We would still hook up... .and i had no idea about the other chick. When I finally figured it out... .I was devastated... .but someone introduced me to Borderline Personality Disorder.  I had never heard of it.  I DUG in. I learned everything I possibly could. I tried to figure out how to "deal" with them. I soaked it in. I wanted it to work. He was "high functioning" or so he seemed.

We eventually got back together. I did everything "right" to the best of my ability. In some ways it helped, but 2 things started happening.  I triggered him harder, into more violent episodes. He, essentially, got worse. He even admits he got worse. He even went to therapy and received the official BPD diagnosis. It seemed like the harder he tried, the worse he got.

The second thing that happened:  the more I learned and the more I tried... .the less I wanted the relationship. It was almost like i learned too much. The more I learned about BPD, the less I tolerated it. The more I learned about it, the more I saw his symptoms, and the more frustrated I became that things weren't improving.

The thing about BPD, is that it doesn't actually go away. I don't believe that people "recover" from it... .and there is no chance for improvement if that person doesn't recognize they have a problem and want to change and make an effort to get help.

I think part of what you are dealing with right now is that you think you can change the relationship by changing your actions. I have been there. I have tried that. Thinking you have the ability to go back and fix something will keep you stuck and is part of the guilt you are feeling over the breakup.

Honestly- if you are in college... .you are young. You have the whole world ahead of you. These relationships are so devastating. I encourage you to regain your power and move on. I am sure you are surrounded by gorgeous co-eds.

I will tell you what I tell anyone... .girls in their late teens and early twenties (alll of them) are dumb. They are young and dumb dumb dumb. Add a debilitating mental illness, and you have a cocktail for a disaster.  I seriously don't think a girl is worth your time until a girl is 27 or 28.

I cannot tell you what to do and would support your decision... .but I would highly advise that you cut ties and move on.

However, as being someone who went back to the cookie jar countless times... .i also recognize the importance of eating cookies until you can't eat anymore cookies. Maybe you aren't done eating cookies.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Saradane, 

Welcome aboard.

I completely understand how confusing and frustrating it is be in this situation.   

I am not sure there really is a formula to get someone back into your life. Although working on yourself is always beneficial.  You are absolutely correct, learning about the behavior and communication techniques can improve a relationship with a BPD sufferer.

From my experience, when my bf wanted me to "move on," I took that time and worked on myself. I did not call or text him and eventually he returned back into my life. Afterwards he told me that he wanted to call me a few days later but did not because he felt so ashamed of what he said to me. He said that he told me that because he was feeling horrible about himself and his emotions were "out of control" (dysregulation). 

People with BPD (pwBPD) feel things more intensely than other people. It is very hard for them to control or regulate intense emotions. Many times a pwBPD will regulate emotions with impulsive behavior.  They will engage in the behavior and have momentary feelings of happiness or calmness until their impulsive behavior catches up with them so to speak. Paradoxically, pwBPD have fears of abandonment and many times push their partner away. Mainly, a pwBPD will push their partner away because of engulfment fears, fear of rejection (self-loathing/shame), or dissociative splitting due to a lack of object constancy.  When the partner is "pushed" out of a pwBPD's life, it triggers a fear of abandonment. It is common for a person with abandonment fears to become clingy, needy, and overbearing. 

Take a look at the lessons on the right side of the page. It will help you get started understanding BPD and learning tools to improve your relationship if/when she comes back into your life.

I am unsure of what caused your breakup, although it seems if she is hanging around you and your friends, she does not want to cut you out of her life. What caused the break up?

[Saradane]

Hi Saradane, 

Welcome aboard.

I completely understand how confusing and frustrating it is be in this situation.   

I am not sure there really is a formula to get someone back into your life. Although working on yourself is always beneficial.  You are absolutely correct, learning about the behavior and communication techniques can improve a relationship with a BPD sufferer.

From my experience, when my bf wanted me to "move on," I took that time and worked on myself. I did not call or text him and eventually he returned back into my life. Afterwards he told me that he wanted to call me a few days later but did not because he felt so ashamed of what he said to me. He said that he told me that because he was feeling horrible about himself and his emotions were "out of control" (dysregulation). 

People with BPD (pwBPD) feel things more intensely than other people. It is very hard for them to control or regulate intense emotions. Many times a pwBPD will regulate emotions with impulsive behavior.  They will engage in the behavior and have momentary feelings of happiness or calmness until their impulsive behavior catches up with them so to speak. Paradoxically, pwBPD have fears of abandonment and many times push their partner away. Mainly, a pwBPD will push their partner away because of engulfment fears, fear of rejection (self-loathing/shame), or dissociative splitting due to a lack of object constancy.  When the partner is "pushed" out of a pwBPD's life, it triggers a fear of abandonment. It is common for a person with abandonment fears to become clingy, needy, and overbearing. 

Take a look at the lessons on the right side of the page. It will help you get started understanding BPD and learning tools to improve your relationship if/when she comes back into your life.

I am unsure of what caused your breakup, although it seems if she is hanging around you and your friends, she does not want to cut you out of her life. What caused the break up?

The break up was caused over the dumbest thing. A guy has been texting and pursuing her for months, and I kept telling her to tell him that enough was enough, and that it was disrespectful to our relationship. Her idea was to keep ignoring him, until one day he threatened to fight me for her. I gave her an ultimatum (my mistake), either tell him off or I leave. She became very upset, and we argued. The next day we were supposed to go buy our outfits for this major sorority semi-formal that I have been looking to go with her for months. I told her that I didn't really want to go anymore because I was so hurt and the fact that we didn't talk about the fight hurt me even more. She flipped out, went back home, I gave her space, and the next day she had a new date, and said to talk to her in a years time.

I am devastated. Partially because a girl was doing the same thing to me and she made me tell her to stop, and I did gladly because it is disrespectful to our relationship. But no matter what logic you throw at her, she won't listen.

I broke up with her once for real, and she was devastated. Hyperventilating, shaking, called me 20 straight times, the whole 9. But I know that with her BPD, if I do that, I will look stupid because of her double standard. I want to just call her and talk to her soo bad. I miss her, and I physically ache because we lost everything we had over nothing. We were literally looking at wedding rings a few days earlier together, and now this. 

[EaglesJuju]

The break up was caused over the dumbest thing. A guy has been texting and pursuing her for months, and I kept telling her to tell him that enough was enough, and that it was disrespectful to our relationship. Her idea was to keep ignoring him, until one day he threatened to fight me for her. I gave her an ultimatum (my mistake), either tell him off or I leave. She became very upset, and we argued. The next day we were supposed to go buy our outfits for this major sorority semi-formal that I have been looking to go with her for months. I told her that I didn't really want to go anymore because I was so hurt and the fact that we didn't talk about the fight hurt me even more. She flipped out, went back home, I gave her space, and the next day she had a new date, and said to talk to her in a years time.

Ultimatums tend to have unfavorable outcomes in most relationships.    I understand why you felt like that and wanted to tell her. From a BPD perspective, it is likely that she felt abandoned and rejected when you were hurt and told her that you no longer wished to go with her anymore. Emotions and feelings for a pwBPD are very intense and that is a large reason why many pwBPD base "facts" off of feelings.  Although when a pwBPD gets upset or dysregulates, there are things you can learn how to do to assuage the situation.  In a relationship with a pwBPD you essentially have to be the emotional caretaker. 

I am devastated. Partially because a girl was doing the same thing to me and she made me tell her to stop, and I did gladly because it is disrespectful to our relationship. But no matter what logic you throw at her, she won't listen.

When a pwBPD is dysregulating or very emotional, logic and rationality really do not work. You are thinking of her as behaving as a "non" disordered person instead of a person who suffers from BPD. This is why understanding the characteristics of the disorder is helpful. It is really hard to change that way of thinking.

I broke up with her once for real, and she was devastated. Hyperventilating, shaking, called me 20 straight times, the whole 9. But I know that with her BPD, if I do that, I will look stupid because of her double standard. I want to just call her and talk to her soo bad. I miss her, and I physically ache because we lost everything we had over nothing. We were literally looking at wedding rings a few days earlier together, and now this. 

What double standard?

[Saradane]

The break up was caused over the dumbest thing. A guy has been texting and pursuing her for months, and I kept telling her to tell him that enough was enough, and that it was disrespectful to our relationship. Her idea was to keep ignoring him, until one day he threatened to fight me for her. I gave her an ultimatum (my mistake), either tell him off or I leave. She became very upset, and we argued. The next day we were supposed to go buy our outfits for this major sorority semi-formal that I have been looking to go with her for months. I told her that I didn't really want to go anymore because I was so hurt and the fact that we didn't talk about the fight hurt me even more. She flipped out, went back home, I gave her space, and the next day she had a new date, and said to talk to her in a years time.

Ultimatums tend to have unfavorable outcomes in most relationships.    I understand why you felt like that and wanted to tell her. From a BPD perspective, it is likely that she felt abandoned and rejected when you were hurt and told her that you no longer wished to go with her anymore. Emotions and feelings for a pwBPD are very intense and that is a large reason why many pwBPD base "facts" off of feelings.  Although when a pwBPD gets upset or dysregulates, there are things you can learn how to do to assuage the situation.  In a relationship with a pwBPD you essentially have to be the emotional caretaker. 

I am devastated. Partially because a girl was doing the same thing to me and she made me tell her to stop, and I did gladly because it is disrespectful to our relationship. But no matter what logic you throw at her, she won't listen.

When a pwBPD is dysregulating or very emotional, logic and rationality really do not work. You are thinking of her as behaving as a "non" disordered person instead of a person who suffers from BPD. This is why understanding the characteristics of the disorder is helpful. It is really hard to change that way of thinking.

I broke up with her once for real, and she was devastated. Hyperventilating, shaking, called me 20 straight times, the whole 9. But I know that with her BPD, if I do that, I will look stupid because of her double standard. I want to just call her and talk to her soo bad. I miss her, and I physically ache because we lost everything we had over nothing. We were literally looking at wedding rings a few days earlier together, and now this. 

What double standard?

The double standard where she can do things or expect things, but I can't do or expect the same. As in the example I used, she expected me to tell the other girl to back off, but I'm not allowed to hold her to that same standard because in her mind, it's not a big deal.

[EaglesJuju]

The double standard where she can do things or expect things, but I can't do or expect the same. As in the example I used, she expected me to tell the other girl to back off, but I'm not allowed to hold her to that same standard because in her mind, it's not a big deal.

I can understand how it is really frustrating. 

I thought she was ignoring other guy. Maybe that is why she didn't think it was a big deal?

[Saradane]

The double standard where she can do things or expect things, but I can't do or expect the same. As in the example I used, she expected me to tell the other girl to back off, but I'm not allowed to hold her to that same standard because in her mind, it's not a big deal.

I can understand how it is really frustrating. 

I thought she was ignoring other guy. Maybe that is why she didn't think it was a big deal?

She was ignoring him, but I eventually told her to ask him to stop because he started trying harder and harder, and it's just disrespectful to any relationship.

[EaglesJuju]

She was ignoring him, but I eventually told her to ask him to stop because he started trying harder and harder, and it's just disrespectful to any relationship.

It is disrespectful to a relationship. Although no one else can be held responsible for another person's behavior. Have you thought about it from this perspective?

What is stopping you from reaching out to her and discussing your feelings?

[Saradane]

She was ignoring him, but I eventually told her to ask him to stop because he started trying harder and harder, and it's just disrespectful to any relationship.

It is disrespectful to a relationship. Although no one else can be held responsible for another person's behavior. Have you thought about it from this perspective?

What is stopping you from reaching out to her and discussing your feelings?

She just won't listen. She ignores them, and doesn't like to talk about them.

[EaglesJuju]

She just won't listen. She ignores them, and doesn't like to talk about them.

Have you had a chance to read the lessons on the right side of this page? There are great tools that help with communication skills. Learning communication skills help you express what you want to say in a way that is not triggering to a pwBPD.  SET has helped me discuss some pretty difficult topics with my bf. Take a look:

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

It is up to you to decide what you want to do whether you want to reach out or wait for her to come to you. 

[Saradane]

She just won't listen. She ignores them, and doesn't like to talk about them.

Have you had a chance to read the lessons on the right side of this page? There are great tools that help with communication skills. Learning communication skills help you express what you want to say in a way that is not triggering to a pwBPD.  SET has helped me discuss some pretty difficult topics with my bf. Take a look:

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

It is up to you to decide what you want to do whether you want to reach out or wait for her to come to you. 

She has painted me black as of now. I'll have to wait until she comes to me... .which is going to be the hard part.