Married with Money Issues

[Inquisitive1]

My dBPDw started her own business earlier this year, and now has a couple of clients and some money coming in. I've been supportive, telling her to go for it even though we didn't know if it would work. Overall, this is great. I'm proud and happy for her. Another upside is decreased depression from her (she's struggled with this for years).

The problem is I'd like access to information about her cash flow, but other than an occasional mention of the amount of money coming in, I get nothing. The money all goes to her business and personal accounts. We have used some of it to pay bills, so it helps the household, but I want to know how much is going where.

She has complete access to most of my money, my pay is deposited in our joint accounts, which she can access at any time. I do have an individual account, to which she does not have access. But I tell her the exact balance anytime she wants, I look it up. I'd show her the screen if she wanted.

Back when she had a job at a company, her pay was also deposited in our joint account, so everything was equal.

When I asked about 'her' money she gets angry and defensive. Indicating that it's none of my business.

She's also started buying a bunch of stuff lately, there've been 15-20 boxes delivered to the house lately. When I ask, she says they're Christmas presents she paying for out of her account and very inexpensive.  But she won't give any details. Then she told me she bought a tree with a credit card, and when I look on the credit card statement, the amount she paid is 25% higher than what she told me. (She had problems with credit cards in the past and she tends to fudge the numbers when telling me how much things cost.)

I really want to manage our money so that we can achieve fiscal security, but then she accuses me of being controlling.

Having written all this, i'm starting to think the only solution is to create my own accounts and get rid of the joint account. I'd rather not, as it will be a pain in the neck. Further, I expect she'll react poorly to that.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[dealingwithit]

My husband does not like to talk about money, except when he demands to know where it all went! I then go through the list of items and explain to him our bills. I have told him I want to go on a budget together, but he has bucked that idea on several occasions because he doesn't like lines or rules. Our bank accounts are joint, but I have a friend who her husband has an account and she has an account. Each is responsible for certain bills. Maybe that could work?

[Inquisitive1]

I think you're right. She generally bucks efforts at budgeting from me and I need to face the fact that it is unlikely she will provide me with regular, clear communications about her finances.

Things are very rough right now, in part because of some confrontations on fiscal issues earlier this week. After things settle down and I deal with some other issues, I'm gonna go to separate accounts.

[formflier]

I think you're right. She generally bucks efforts at budgeting from me and I need to face the fact that it is unlikely she will provide me with regular, clear communications about her finances.

Things are very rough right now, in part because of some confrontations on fiscal issues earlier this week. After things settle down and I deal with some other issues, I'm gonna go to separate accounts.

OK... .come at this from a "boundaries" point of view.

You control what you control.  Stuff with your name on it... .and your money in it.

She controls the other.  You each have choices... .

My recommendation is to look at SET and DEARMAN and figure out if you can use those formats to approach her to look for a solution.

Remember to focus on "solutions". 

Put actions steps and answers towards her... .present choices to her.

Either we can put our money in a joint account... .or we can have them separate... .which way would you like to do it?

The trick is that if she proposes that she gets to use yours... .and she gets to keep hers... .don't react.  Actively listen... .

"Help me understand how that is balanced or fair for the relationship... ."  (not for you... .you and her out of it)

Ultimately... .you will have to figure out how long to let this go.  Be very matter of fact about it.

"I appreciate that you are having a hard time figuring out how you would like to handle joint finances.  I will be making decisions for my paycheck by (give a day or two) if we don't reach a mutually acceptable compromise by then.  "

Be positive towards her... .disengage from money conversations.  If she wants to engage again and it is full of blame... .ask her for help understanding her solutions... .disengage from blame.

If she is struggling with solutions... .and trying... .stick with it... .validate validate...

FF

[Inquisitive1]

Thanks Formflier, that's very helpful. Can you point me at a good DEARMAN resource?  And, I guess I should brush on SET too? I was using SET a lot this summer, but I've forgotten what it stands for now.

[formflier]

Thanks Formflier, that's very helpful. Can you point me at a good DEARMAN resource?  And, I guess I should brush on SET too? I was using SET a lot this summer, but I've forgotten what it stands for now.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

support empathy and truth.

some people say sympathy... .empathy and truth

My personal favorite is to think of it as... .I hear you... .I understand how you feel... .here is my truth (not saying they are wrong).

You have to play around with it a bit to see how it works best in your r/s.

FF

[GaGrl]

If you separate the bank accounts, you may also need to separate any credit card accounts. Otherwise, she can simply continue to charge on accounts and expect you to pay.

My husband is a financial advisor. He often recommends joint checking/savings accounts with a clear understanding of the contribution for household bills and maintenance, and that each spouse take turns being responsible for Bill-paying. Then separate personal accounts, both checking and savings/retirement.

Tax season is coming up -how does she plan to file? If joint, she will need to disclose ( Schedule C?). If separate, will she want to claim one or more of the children?

This gets quite tricky, doesn't it?

[Inquisitive1]

gagirl, Credit cards are already separated. For taxes, we've always filed jointly, so I'm sure we'll do that again. I don't think she'll have an issue with showing me the info in that context, she just wont do it on an ongoing basis.

Thanks for the links FF. I think part of what made my SET technique slip is that it seems my dBPDw has gotten so negative, she's always complaining about being sick or work-related issues or whatever. I'm getting burned-out on being supportive and empathetic. Not sure how to recover from the burnout.