Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 03:36:57 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Near or in break-up mode?
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?
Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle
Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)
95
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: What is this all about?  (Read 456 times)
Cat_lady

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 15



« on: November 14, 2015, 03:35:43 AM »

Lets start by saying he is not diagnosed, he is 44 i am 21 years old...

I try short down a very long story but i will try to make a shorter version.

I met a man at work in june/july and i didnt really like anything about him at the beginning. He was aggressive and talked bad behind almost everyones back, he smoked all the time and just looked so depressed and grumpy.

I even stayed home from work one day because he was so mean to me the day before, he reacted to stress in a very special way... .

After that day he became so nice to me and wanted to know more about me... Asked for my whatsapp(number)

After a while i felt that i could really trust this man, i had told him about how hard it was to me to talk about my dad(alcoholic) and he started to tell me about his mother, that she abused him when he was small, in all kind of ways... And that he can not se his kids because he have trouble with the childrens mother, i dont know the whole story.

He started to tell me about his spouse that she is mentally ill ( he told my friend that his spouse had other problems when he told me this)

and that they have separate bedrooms( i had also a boyfriend at this time) things went on so fast, he told me i was a dream of a women and that i should tell my boyfriend that... He brought my dad-issues up Everyday ( i guess he did that so i would search comfort in him...

No i jump fast forward to make it short...

-He started texting me everyday and wanted to see me(just talk in the beginning) later on it became more intimate, kisses hugs promises and so on

-i broke up with my bf because it had been bad a long time...

-He told me he wanted to be with me and that he wanted to move away from her( we saw eachother everyday for about 2 months)

-He made plans for the future, he even bought a house really close to me(i have seen the contract) told me he would renovate the house and that his kids could now "search" him up

This is now the "turn" comes.

One night we went to his new house, drank wine and had a really good time... And we had sex that evening.

The day after was like always, kissing and so on... He went back to his spouse and promised that he would talk to her about the situation...

He went from loving to distant and told me he had got a concussion(he rides and had fallen of a horse) the days went by... He wrote me a few days after the accident "once i have cleared everything i let you hear from me, you are everyday in my mind.kiss" he gave me silent treatment for a month, i decided to confront him at his house after this silent treatment. After the confrontation i got a text that i have disgraced him and that this was the first and last time i go home to him like that, that i was immature... And that he dont know if he could go on with me and that he hold himself back... And that he liked me but could not see a future with me, like in a relationship... He Said i have to accept and move on and that he cant love any women, he Only loves his kids and his horses... ?

I saw him for 2 weeks ago(once before that)

He changes his mind all the time, tell me he is not normal, lay all responsibility on his mother for his bahavior. He told me he sold the house(the time before i saw him he wanted to renovate it)

he told me he would move back to germany(before he told me italy)

He told me his kids now wanted to se him and had good contact now( 1 week before he told me he had so much problems with them)

He told me our age difference is a problem (before it wasnt)

This time we met i Said- i have accepted that you dont want to be with me more... He then Said- i never Said i didnt want to( well yes you did)

He now Said - you are really important to me, my heart says yes my Mind says no... I think about you everyday and you are always in my heart, i can not give you the love you want and deserve, (he also wanted to hold my hand all the time and put his hand on my leg for a long time)... And i want to see you when i get back from italy, and the last thing he Said was- take a look at your life... .( i have also heard he is talking behind my back , that im so in love with him, and that i cant stop contacting him... I have also heard he smokes a lot of marijuana)

Sorry long story and I have a messy mind right now... .


Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #1 on: November 14, 2015, 11:26:34 AM »

Welcome to BPD family. What you're describing seems to be a common occurrence of "push/pull" that people with BPD inflict upon others. They get close, it becomes uncomfortable, then they push away. Rinse and repeat.

Take a look at the lessons on the right side of the page. There's a lot of good information. It's definitely a challenge to be in a relationship with someone with BPD.   
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Cat_lady

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 15



« Reply #2 on: November 14, 2015, 11:39:34 AM »

Welcome to BPD family. What you're describing seems to be a common occurrence of "push/pull" that people with BPD inflict upon others. They get close, it becomes uncomfortable, then they push away. Rinse and repeat.

Take a look at the lessons on the right side of the page. There's a lot of good information. It's definitely a challenge to be in a relationship with someone with BPD.   

Thank u for your answer! 

Im so sad about this situation... I really like this man!

Im afraid that he doesnt want to be with me anymore, he keep a distant and have done it for about 2 months now... .We are texting sometimes, but he is always mean on text. But when i see him he is "normal"? I have read the lessons, but its hard to understand everything when i dont speak so good english... .Anyhow he told me he wanted to see me when he gets back from italy, but he have done this before, told me he would Come and then not showing up ...

I wonder what i can do to make him feel he can trust me again?
Logged
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #3 on: November 14, 2015, 11:43:47 AM »

Even if you do speak good English, it's hard to understand all at once. I've been here about a year and I feel like I'm just beginning to understand some of the concepts. It takes practice.

You can't "make him feel" anything. All you can do is work on yourself. Maybe he will return, maybe he won't.

I've discovered that by using the lessons and getting stronger within myself that there's much less conflict in my relationship.

 
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Cat_lady

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 15



« Reply #4 on: November 14, 2015, 11:49:01 AM »

Even if you do speak good English, it's hard to understand all at once. I've been here about a year and I feel like I'm just beginning to understand some of the concepts. It takes practice.

You can't "make him feel" anything. All you can do is work on yourself. Maybe he will return, maybe he won't.

I've discovered that by using the lessons and getting stronger within myself that there's much less conflict in my relationship.

 

I do know that i cant make him feel different... .I do feel Hope about him coming back, he told me i am really important to him, i know that he feel something for me... He also told me he can not love me but that he like me much... I live on my Hope, that he will see how good we are together, and that im always by his side!

Where do i find the "lessons"? I can not find it anymore

Logged
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #5 on: November 14, 2015, 11:55:17 AM »

Scroll up to the top of this page and look to the right where you find "Working on a 'BPD' Relationship." Look under the green heading: Before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse. There you will find links to The Lessons.

It's so helpful to learn how differently people with BPD think and behave in order to not take their behavior personally. I think it's going to take a lifetime for me to learn this.
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Cat_lady

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 15



« Reply #6 on: November 14, 2015, 11:59:25 AM »

Scroll up to the top of this page and look to the right where you find "Working on a 'BPD' Relationship." Look under the green heading: Before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse. There you will find links to The Lessons.

It's so helpful to learn how differently people with BPD think and behave in order to not take their behavior personally. I think it's going to take a lifetime for me to learn this.

I found it! Thank u so much for the answers again!  

I just have to mention that the silent treatment included blocking me on whatsapp... I dont know if that was a sign that he didnt want me in his life anymore... .
Logged
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #7 on: November 14, 2015, 12:01:47 PM »

You'll find that a lot of members here deal with silent treatment. I don't have much experience with that one. I can imagine that it's really difficult to deal with being excluded from their life.   
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
C.Stein
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2360



« Reply #8 on: November 14, 2015, 12:06:50 PM »

He also told me he can not love me but that he like me much.

I think you should listen to what he is saying.  He is giving you a clear indication he doesn't want anything serious, but at the same time he is giving you enough so you will remain available to him. 

Is this what you want?
Logged
Cat_lady

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 15



« Reply #9 on: November 14, 2015, 12:12:25 PM »

He also told me he can not love me but that he like me much.

I think you should listen to what he is saying.  He is giving you a clear indication he doesn't want anything serious, but at the same time he is giving you enough so you will remain available to him. 

Is this what you want?

He told me that he doesnt know what love is... He had never loved a women in his whole life, he says that he can Only love his kids... .Last time i saw him i Said - i accept that you dont want me, then he answered really Quick - i never Said i didnt want to... .

He gives me energy and he is really important to me... So if we can be friend thats fine by me... But i hope for more
Logged
C.Stein
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2360



« Reply #10 on: November 14, 2015, 12:17:50 PM »

My opinion is he is stringing you along.   You are an alternate, it's not a good place to be.

If you are uncomfortable with this then you might want to consider putting an end to it.
Logged
Cat_lady

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 15



« Reply #11 on: November 14, 2015, 12:21:28 PM »

My opinion is he is stringing you along.   You are an alternate, it's not a good place to be.

If you are uncomfortable with this then you might want to consider putting an end to it.

You mean that im im "second place"/ a saftey or? Sorry im not so good at english:/

I do trust him that he can not love... But you are right... I have to think about me... Not always about him, right?:/

Logged
C.Stein
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2360



« Reply #12 on: November 14, 2015, 01:35:18 PM »

You mean that im im "second place"/ a saftey or? Sorry im not so good at english:/

Yes, that is what is appears to be.

I do trust him that he can not love... But you are right... I have to think about me... Not always about him, right?:/

Yes, please think of yourself here.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!