Insight on cheating spouse w BPD traits and seizures

[MTBike]

Hello,

I had posted long time ago and lost my log in information.  I'll give as brief of a synopsis with a question at the end.

My SO of 14 yrs marriage, we have 3 beautiful kids.  Things have been rough for years, tried marriage counseling and then she refused to go back 3 years ago.  I've been to a couple of therapy sessions myself, worked on educating myself, working on myself and focusing on our kids and our business.  I've had some clergy help as well, asked her to go to faith based marriage classes, she would find an excuse. 

11 months ago, she had a grand mal seizure, very devastating to her and the whole family.  We did our best to rally behind her, post seizure symptoms brought out even more severe BPD traits.  Unfortunately, she had a subsequent seizure after 3.5 months of recovery that included no driving.  This is when I learned of an affair when she was showing me a picture on her phone and the picture next to it in order was a weird picture of a text screen shot.  I followed up and found more with disturbing back and forth taking about explicit things they would do.  Things were pretty bad before and now I was in full on shock, I confronted her and she claimed it was just a crude joke... nothing physical happened.  I got screen for STD's that next day, it was negative.  I know the person, he is married (2nd marriage, living w his wife and her kids) and lives near by.  I later learned they were meeting up when she would take the dogs for walks, often at night when I got home after a long day running our business that she was unable to contribute to . ... funny thing I was proud of her for trying to do something to combat her stress and aide her healing.   She was diagnosed with Non Epileptic Seizure Disorder after months of testing.  We failed at marriage counseling she agreed to shortly after the 2nd seizure.  I found an insane number of texts back and forth when I delved into our phone bill.  She shortly there after nuked her phone to rid it of all the evidence and all her contacts.   The affair she initially said was not physical and then admitted to kissing and groping but nothing further started 6 weeks after her first seizure and was going on for 6 weeks when I learned of it.  I was no longer welcome at her neurology appointments when I would truly try to advocate for her, she had a total of 4 seizures in 9 months.  She would accuse me of asking too many questions.  She had really leaned on her parents for help in the last months.   

I had phoned the #$%! involved in the affair/ texts days after I learned of it.  He totally denied any physical but then apologized for the lurid texts and that it wasn't funny.  I told him he need to stay away and while I did not threaten to tell his wife, I left it open as a possibility if I learned more than what they fessed up to or if it continued. 

She had apologized for the "non-sexual" affair more than once but would be really unkind and say things like "you were not there for me when I was imprisoned and unable to drive"  or that I should "get over the fact that our kids know their (blended family) kids.  She had started some meds that were really helping and I saw some progress, she was attending 60% of her own therapy appointments to work on CBT and even some EMDR if it was cleared by her neurologist.  The therapists that I saw expressed concern that I was so vigilant and even obsessed with checking the phone records. I focused on our kids, me healing and work while still trying to supportive as able. 

I'm rambling, I'll get to the gist.  She was cleared to drive recently, I then found an text she tried sending via email to the #S%! when she left her account open on our computer asking to go for ice cream, it had failed to reach him and was sent back to her email.  I had let go of all that vigilance that was tearing me up for months but then restarted it.  I found that she was bold enough to call him on her cell phone in the last month with some long conversations, I found a tracfone in her closet with one number in it - his.  She has fired her therapist, failed to get the psychiatry consult ordered months ago.  I feel that borders and boundaries have been stepped all over.  I do think it is my SO that is initiating the contact and that she does have some serious mental illness coupled with a seizure disorder but he could also shut it down.  I'm planning on telling his wife.  Not so much out of vengeance but more that it needs to stop. Both of them need to face the music, I'm not going to keep on acting like all is good.  My SO knew something was up the night I found it and didn't confront her due to some special kid events I didn't want to ruin.  She did ask "how are we doing?"  I said, pretty poorly, things were rough before the affair and they are only worse, I do not trust you, and I've been waiting for you to recover and not pushed on the marriage counseling.  She has agreed to restart marriage counseling but that is 2 weeks away,   ... .I'm planning on confronting my SO about the tracfone, failed text-email, and the phone calls, then telling his wife -even offering phone records if she wants - when our kids are at school.  One other detail is that the wife of #%! has tried to be neighborly nice to my SO and reached out to help, I'm confident she has no idea.  I figure I would want to know.

I'm not after building a case for a divorce as a couple of friends have suggested.  Basically I love my kids too much, love my family too much, and confident I'll get the nasty brunt of a divorce.    So the question of the hour is:  Tell the wife of #%! or not?  I'm planning on being just matter of fact about it all. 

I'd love some insight. 

Thanks

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[Hope12345]

Yes, tell the other spouse and give her as much evidence as you have, including the trac phone. You need to blow your wife's secret world apart, even if it means the children finding out indirectly.

Sorry you are dealing with this.  Long road a head of you but it has to start by eliminating the fantasy those two have created.

[babyducks]

Hi MTBike,

and welcome back... .

  So the question of the hour is:  Tell the wife of #%! or not?  I'm planning on being just matter of fact about it all. 

I'd love some insight. 

Thanks

I'm sorry to hear you are having a difficult time in your marriage.   Yours is a complicated situation and I am sure there are many different perspectives.   Here is mine.

I don't see how telling the wife of #%! helps you, your wife, your children or the possibility of rebuilding your marriage.     

I don't think you should act like all is good.   It's clearly not.    Yes  boundaries have been stepped all over.   I think my boundaries are mine to enforce so when they are violated I need to change what I am doing, not try to change what some one else is doing.  That usually doesn't work.    As you have noticed in your own story.

There should be consequences for actions.   Having #%! bear some of them is likely very tempting.   It's probably not going to make your wife any more receptive to changing things in your own home.

I would try to aim my focus in a different direction.   I can only control my own behavior.  Not anyone elses.

my two cents.

ducks

[hope2727]

Hi,

I am sorry you are enduring this. I can tell you that I was that other wife. I was the one cheated on. I was devastated but in truth it was more devastating that no one told me. And believe me I found out that many people knew. So yes tell her. Expect a horror show on all fronts but if you have any respect for her at all tell her.

[MTBike]

Thank you for the replies, They really helped.  I like the idea of focusing control over my own behavior noted by babyducks.  The response from both "hopes" also puts things in perspective... .I would want to know.  I know I cannot force accountability on either side.  But when I put it into perspective:  He is continued to allow and embrace communication from a woman that is trying to crawl out of a seizure disorder while I feel the whole reason the family didn't disintegrate is my grace. I feel that my wife has all kinds of abandonment issues and reaching out to #%! is like a little boost to her deep hurt from her past and current.  Frankly, his wife should know that my wife  has been stepping all over her boundaries in this fantasy honeymoon land.  #%!'s wife is actually trying to be a legit friend to my wife.  I realize that by exposing this may just allow for another opportunity to for my wife to have an emotional/physical affair again with someone else, but I've warned this guy, established a boundary with both him and my wife.  I had felt that we had hit rock bottom months ago and now it is repeating when it is convenient for my wife, this feels like another rock bottom and I can't keep up with the charades. 

[MTBike]

I forgot to ask.  I have never used the words BPD around my wife as many resources recommend in that it can just cause the person with BPD traits to say "no you have BPD" as in the book- Stop Walking on Eggshells.  But these traits have been there for years, recently resulted in an affair and even a large factor in the seizures.  Not bringing it up... .to me is like knowing someone has a severe disorder like diabetes and not educating them on nutrition.  I understand that shamming them does not work.  Our marriage counselor knows of the traits, she has even acknowledged my concerns.  Who's role is it to tell my wife- "hey this is what is going on, you have traits of a person with BPD, fortunately there are things that can help."  I am so very tempted to tell my wife that I think she has a personality disorder until proven otherwise.  I'd love some help understanding this reluctance for mental health care providers to inform the patient of what is going on. 

[Hope12345]

Had I have mentioned BPD prior to "blowing up her fantasy world" she would have dismissed it and continued to view me, and others, as the problem.  After confronting her about the serial infidelity and exposing it to others around us, she saw how her choices effected others... .saw how it was not just a matter of "what others don't know won't hurt them"... .saw how distorted her thinking really was.  At that point, she became more open to the idea that something was "broken" inside her.  She was willing to consider the problem was with her, not those around her, and she was willing to seek help.

Exposing the infidelity to the other spouse and those around you is not about revenge.  It may seem that way to others, maybe even to yourself, but it is more about getting the unfaithful BPD spouse to finally see how their actions, and their choices, effect those around them. 

[babyducks]

Hi MTBike,

There is more than one reason why professionals are slow to use the words BPD.  You can find details in these links:

Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy

Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder

and

Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder

to try and sum up, a diagnosis of BPD often comes with a stigma.   For a long time the label was like the kiss of death among the mental health community,   professionals refused to take BPD patients and viewed them as untreatable.   insurance companies refused to pay for care.   the stigma is changing but not in all places.    other reasons include the fact the BPD is often comorbid with other illness... .my partner is both Bipolar and BPD and I can definitely see the difference now.   and a diagnosis of BPD can sometimes worsen symptoms initially.   the prevalent advice is pretty much what Hope12345 touched on, to talk about symptoms and the effect of the symptoms... .to focus on the symptom of "sadness"  rather than depression... . 

'ducks