Difficult communication

[Depression = 72% of members]

Thanks to support I receive from everyone last week, I have been really trying to set boundaries and exit conversations before they head down the rabbit hole. My biggest issue in exiting the conversations is that when I get defensive or if I want to end the conversation, my BPDw says, "why can't you just have and adult conversation about this" which will usually get me to stay and we head down the rabbit hole.  Is this a phrase that is commonly used? If so, is there a response to it that will allow me to end the conversation without walking away or have it spiral?

As an example, my W and I had dinner on Friday evening to discuss separating. She wants the kids to stay in the house and we get a small efficiency that we share and every other week we have the kids. I don't want a separation or divorce as a result of her indiscretions but at this point, we are both so angry we are having a difficult time communicating. She's angry that during the 8 months of the affair, I talked to people about it as she wouldn't stop or admit it until I finally filed for divorce. She is saying I destroyed her reputation and humiliated her which is causing her anger. She has also told me that she has moved on from the affair so I should move on to and stop being angry with her although she continues to be angry with me and holds onto the fact that I talked to family and friends in trying to keep my sanity. Her latest gripe is that while we were in marriage counseling, we decided we would take 6 months to figure out what we wanted and we wouldn't track each other or check each other's phone or e-mail.  The fact that I found out what she was doing, had pics and proof is now leading her to tell me I lied to her because I said I wouldn't check up on her. Lastly, we own a few guns. While the affair was going on, I removed the gun safes without discussing with her. In times of anger, I told her she was just like her BPD mom. I still haven't returned the safe so she is insisting I think she's crazy. (Ever since I told her she's like her, she's insists that I think she is crazy. I hadn't really thought about it before but she tells me all the time that I think she's crazy.) I told her last night that I removed the safe the night before she was being served because I didn't know what her reaction would be as I was taking the kids out of town and she was going to be home by herself. She has never mentioned suicide but I wasn't sure where her head was going to be. I haven't returned the safe as I hadn't thought about it much since but now she is insisting that I still think she's crazy.

These are the types of conversations I'm trying to walk away from because a rational and adult conversation can't be had.

Any ideas on how to change the subject or do I continue to just walk away from the them and deal with the after affects. I've been giving her the silent treatment today because I don't want to have the same discussion until i can get my head around it.

Thanks.

RaisenCane

[RaisenCane]

Thanks to support I receive from everyone last week, I have been really trying to set boundaries and exit conversations before they head down the rabbit hole. My biggest issue in exiting the conversations is that when I get defensive or if I want to end the conversation, my BPDw says, "why can't you just have and adult conversation about this" which will usually get me to stay and we head down the rabbit hole.  Is this a phrase that is commonly used? If so, is there a response to it that will allow me to end the conversation without walking away or have it spiral?

As an example, my W and I had dinner on Friday evening to discuss separating. She wants the kids to stay in the house and we get a small efficiency that we share and every other week we have the kids. I don't want a separation or divorce as a result of her indiscretions but at this point, we are both so angry we are having a difficult time communicating. She's angry that during the 8 months of the affair, I talked to people about it as she wouldn't stop or admit it until I finally filed for divorce. She is saying I destroyed her reputation and humiliated her which is causing her anger. She has also told me that she has moved on from the affair so I should move on to and stop being angry with her although she continues to be angry with me and holds onto the fact that I talked to family and friends in trying to keep my sanity. Her latest gripe is that while we were in marriage counseling, we decided we would take 6 months to figure out what we wanted and we wouldn't track each other or check each other's phone or e-mail.  The fact that I found out what she was doing, had pics and proof is now leading her to tell me I lied to her because I said I wouldn't check up on her. Lastly, we own a few guns. While the affair was going on, I removed the gun safes without discussing with her. In times of anger, I told her she was just like her BPD mom. I still haven't returned the safe so she is insisting I think she's crazy. (Ever since I told her she's like her, she's insists that I think she is crazy. I hadn't really thought about it before but she tells me all the time that I think she's crazy.) I told her last night that I removed the safe the night before she was being served because I didn't know what her reaction would be as I was taking the kids out of town and she was going to be home by herself. She has never mentioned suicide but I wasn't sure where her head was going to be. I haven't returned the safe as I hadn't thought about it much since but now she is insisting that I still think she's crazy.

These are the types of conversations I'm trying to walk away from because a rational and adult conversation can't be had.

Any ideas on how to change the subject or do I continue to just walk away from the them and deal with the after affects. I've been giving her the silent treatment today because I don't want to have the same discussion until i can get my head around it.

Thanks.

RaisenCane

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[leggomyeggshell]

maybe I'm wrong, but in my situation I don't see a way to avoid unpleasant discussions with her as she will most likely insist on being heard to the full extent, regardless of whether I have any interest in hearing it or not or whether it's, you know, rational.  Avoiding the topic just makes her more angry and belligerent.  Not sure if that is the case with your wife but that is my experience.  You could get creative though and find a way to escape.  I sometimes say I have to go to the bathroom or something.

[formflier]

  Avoiding the topic just makes her more angry and belligerent.  

Don't worry about this... .they are trying to get you back in line.

If you don't want to discuss something... .make it about you and exit.  "I'm not able to discuss this right now.  Is there something else you would like to talk about?"

If they keep hoping to bad topics or blaming let them know that you are not able to discuss controversial topics right now... .

Don't blame them... .

Leave the reasons vague... "controversial"... ."upsetting"... .that kind of thing. 

Now, when you perceive they have calmed.  Get two glasses of water (or a cup of tea, coffee)... hand them one.

You are not being overly friendly.  Just ... "Hey... was thinking about you.  I've got some time if there is anything you want to discuss... ."

Note:  You have nothing you want to discuss right now... .this is about your partner feeling heard.

If they start ranting, blaming... .let them know they are heard and ask them about a proposed solution.

Work on how you word it... .but a great way to break this up.

1... You hear them and understand their feelings

2... You feel differently about the subject

3.  You support them taking care of themselves (vice you taking action to take care of them)

If you keep sending them emotional support... .but leave action to them... .many issues evaporate.

FF