I don't think I can cope with this

[Daniell85]

I am starting to believe this relationship cannot be repaired.

"boyfriend" shows back up today,  he said hi and I said hi back, then he told me he was busy with other things.   His indication that he is mad at me and doesn't want to talk. It's nice to be suckered into saying hi just so I could be told he was not going to talk to me.

Maybe I am cynical. It felt like a little setup to reinforce to me that he is "mad a long long time."

Thanks for the reminder.


Later on he showed up again. So I asked him if he was doing ok. He ignored. So he sits there. ( on Skype) and I let it go again.

He said something and I responded with a question.

He then said. "I don't want to discuss obvious things. I don't like interrogations."

Oh really. Mr. Attorney is trying to flip around who officially has a right to be more upset. Me because I asked if it was true he got the woman he cheated on me with pregnant ( yes he did) or him because he told me.

tbqfh today I really don't care all that much if he is upset after he is rude to me. Or that he CHOSE to show me on facebook that she is not among his friends there anymore ( because he blocks me there. and yes after showing me, he blocked me again. what a BABY)

Hurt and angry. I am thinking of weeks more of this, months and YEARS. A lifetime of this sort of thing. I feel like the stuffing is kicked out of me.

I have been trying to stay on the staying board, but darned if today I just feel like all ME, who I am, how I live my life, the importance of a healthy life... .just got thrown back in my face. I feel like Sandra Bullock must have felt when her husband threw her over for some tattoo covered lady who imo didn't hold a candle to Sandra Bullock.

Just mad and sad and feel bad that it's MY feet being held over the fire. I keep having the impulse ( old foo stuff) to fix and nothing helps. It's the way HE operates and *I* don't.

It all makes me feel 1 inch tall. I want to kick him out of my life forever for all of it, yet I am sitting here with His Majesty sitting on my Skype giving me silent treatment now. I set myself invisible but I honestly just want to log out and not come back for a month.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Flexion]

I am starting to believe this relationship cannot be repaired.

"boyfriend" shows back up today,  he said hi and I said hi back, then he told me he was busy with other things.   His indication that he is mad at me and doesn't want to talk. It's nice to be suckered into saying hi just so I could be told he was not going to talk to me.

Maybe I am cynical. It felt like a little setup to reinforce to me that he is "mad a long long time."

Thanks for the reminder.


Later on he showed up again. So I asked him if he was doing ok. He ignored. So he sits there. ( on Skype) and I let it go again.

He said something and I responded with a question.

He then said. "I don't want to discuss obvious things. I don't like interrogations."

Oh really. Mr. Attorney is trying to flip around who officially has a right to be more upset. Me because I asked if it was true he got the woman he cheated on me with pregnant ( yes he did) or him because he told me.

tbqfh today I really don't care all that much if he is upset after he is rude to me. Or that he CHOSE to show me on facebook that she is not among his friends there anymore ( because he blocks me there. and yes after showing me, he blocked me again. what a BABY)

Hurt and angry. I am thinking of weeks more of this, months and YEARS. A lifetime of this sort of thing. I feel like the stuffing is kicked out of me.

I have been trying to stay on the staying board, but darned if today I just feel like all ME, who I am, how I live my life, the importance of a healthy life... .just got thrown back in my face. I feel like Sandra Bullock must have felt when her husband threw her over for some tattoo covered lady who imo didn't hold a candle to Sandra Bullock.

Just mad and sad and feel bad that it's MY feet being held over the fire. I keep having the impulse ( old foo stuff) to fix and nothing helps. It's the way HE operates and *I* don't.

It all makes me feel 1 inch tall. I want to kick him out of my life forever for all of it, yet I am sitting here with His Majesty sitting on my Skype giving me silent treatment now. I set myself invisible but I honestly just want to log out and not come back for a month.

Sorry you are going through all of that! Man,  I know that has to be the hardest to deal with. He doesn't know what he's throwing away for sure.  I would take the time to focus on you(read a book, workout, trip, etc ). That  is the one thing I have ALWAYS done and it's helped me through difficult times. My relationship with my wife is not normal. therefore, I cannot expect her to meet many of my needs.  I love my wife deeply, but found myself ready to throw in the towel over the weekend. 

IT's draining for sure.  Some have told me (even a 66 yo friend of mine that is a Psychiatrist) it's a marathon!

prayers your way !

[Daniell85]

I am sorry that you find yourself here in this difficult situation, too. This stuff can be really demoralizing. I guess all of us are trying to find a path through it.

My boyfriend has a major issue with being "forced" to do things. His family has put him through the wringer and he has become very aggressive when he is being pressured to do things he doesn't want to do.

They threatened and shamed.

I didn't threaten anything. I asked. So he complied in a really bad spirited way and now is retaliating against me for it because from his view I made him do it.

He had the right to say no. I guess he felt because I just found out about the baby and wanted him to show me that woman was gone, he had to do it.

I don't have any "or else" things.

I am losing my feelings for him and I feel hopeless at this point. This man really doesn't care how I feel. I think he very much cares how he feels, though.

[steve195915]

I understand completely how draining this is on you.  If you tell other people not aware of the BPD, they'll tell you to dump him and move on but thats so hard because you love him and feel giving up on them is wrong.  You think it's not their fault, it's the mental illness from the bad things that happened in their past.  That's where I am too so you're not alone.  The advice to get yourself involved in your own activities so as to not think about it is excellent however, it's not easy to do that when you care so much for them.  Just keep trying and know you're not alone!

[Daniell85]

I don't know that I care that much about him anymore.

I know he has a lot of power to hurt me. Like most of us, I thought someone would be here for me someday who would take care not to hurt me. He presented himself very well for a long time, but I realize that even when it seemed so wonderful to me, he was going behind my back.

It's been really nerve wracking the amount of really BAD things that pop out of nowhere. It's stuff he did 2 years ago. A year ago. My gosh he says, all of that is so far in the past and you are just LIVING in it Danielle.

And that and a million other things are why we aren't working out. All on Danielle.

It is possible I may actually dislike him immensely on a permanent basis as of today.

[steve195915]

Sounds like you're at the breaking point.  If he still can hurt you then you have feelings for him so acknowledge that even if your decision is to move on.  If you want to move on, make a plan, decide on limited contact or no contact, plan things in you're life so you don't dwell on him, a trip, activities with friends and family.  I've been there with my BPDgf but being angry about his actions/words and trying to tell yourself you don't care about him just doesn't work since once the anger subsides, the guilt starts and when you're feelings that you care surface, you go right back into the relationship.  If you move on, its because you feel you deserve better and can't deal with the BPD issues and thats ok.  Good luck with your decision!

[Daniell85]

Ok. Lets put it this way. I cant afford to care. He wont stop lying and cheating behaviors. I cannot even look at him on instant message things. Even if he isnt lying or cheating NOW, i believe he will.

I thinks its a constant shell game and im tired of trying to figure out where the pea is.

[formflier]

If you don't want to play a shell game... .don't.

Are you OK with conducting the r/s on your terms only?

What would that look like?

[Daniell85]

He told me to eff off and he doesn't care if i believe him. I told him I was giving up. So he blocked me. I don't like looking at him sitting there on my contact list, blocking me, so I removed him.

He will be 39 years old in march.

I am unable to envision anything with him.  I feel depleted. It comes down to do i believe it is ever going to be safe to extend any trust to him?

I lost hope of that now. I guess i am done.

[Fian]

I am sorry to hear what you are going through.  For the record, it does sound like you made the right decision.

[Daniell85]

Yeh, I feel pretty low

I can imagine a great relationship, but it doesn't involve getting one with a person who does these things.

[steve195915]

Ok Danielle, you made a decision and now the challenge is to stick by it.  Keep yourself busy with doing things for you and don't dwell on him.  This time is so difficult with the feelings of anger, guilt, loneliness so keep yourself busy and active.  Good luck and let us know how you are doing. 

[Flexion]

Jax, thanks for your comments.  

I am sorry that you find yourself here in this difficult situation, too. This stuff can be really demoralizing. I guess all of us are trying to find a path through it.

My boyfriend has a major issue with being "forced" to do things. His family has put him through the wringer and he has become very aggressive when he is being pressured to do things he doesn't want to do.

They threatened and shamed.

I didn't threaten anything. I asked. So he complied in a really bad spirited way and now is retaliating against me for it because from his view I made him do it.

He had the right to say no. I guess he felt because I just found out about the baby and wanted him to show me that woman was gone, he had to do it.

I don't have any "or else" things.

I am losing my feelings for him and I feel hopeless at this point. This man really doesn't care how I feel. I think he very much cares how he feels, though.

You are very welcome. I, too, have become very distant and almost hardened my heart towards my wife. NOw, I do still show the same level of love, but it really is getting harder to have solid feelings, especially when every day you are assaulted.

IF you have made the decisions to move on, stick by it as others have said. I also know men with bPD... .I don't think they will ever quit cheating. I am speaking for them, not your BF.

As others have also suggested, focus on yourself.  Exercise is the BEST for occupying your time and getting some "Feel good" endorphins to your brain.  NOt to mention making your feel like a 10!  

The hardest for me is not giving into temptation on my end. TO be honest, my fear is giving into another female, as I need emotional satisfaction as well. Someone that listens to me. SOmeone that cares about things I do. Someone that sends nice texts in the morning instead of getting a "Text book" of assaults."  Make sense?

I am NOT condoning extramarital affairs, nor am I doing anything,  but  I am saying I am tempted... .especially when i'm constantly hit on by the women I coach and in my circle!  

That said, did you ever deal with temptation to give into someone interesting? I know most women get "that dude" that hits on them.

I do not want you to put your business out there if you don't feel it. I'd like to know. In fact, if anyone has deal with that type of temptation, I want to know how they escape. Again, I am just being honest and with my current situation( like many others), I find it hard not to want deep, emotional interaction. NOt spending my days scared to say anything wrong.

I am trying to keep my head straight and not allow myself to venture too far out. IF this was a normal relationship, I would NEVER Be tempted to open up.

you can PM if you feel better sharing some of that there.  

[Daniell85]

I haven't actually decided exactly what I am going to do, yet.

It's more that I don't know *what* to do. I feel very upset, had a few big shocks lately. It always takes me days or weeks to absorb the big things. I have a panic disorder. My first instinct when shocked and panicked is to "go to ground". So what is being heard here is me vocalizing my doubts and confusion. A lot of panic. I want to get away, want to hide, am very afraid of the instability and shocks being presented to me.

Boyfriend hardly ever curses in front of me. I heard him maybe 4 times the whole 6 years I have known him. So to tell me eff you is pretty strong coming from him. It was pretty hurtful.

About temptation... I am too wrecked to feel any outside interest. I've been either with my boyfriend and happy, or so gutted by his actions that I don't even want to look at other men or talk to them.

[Skip]

First, he has blown my birthday off. Again. He did it last year, too. I did ask him last year why he did. He said he remembered it, thought about it, then let it go and got distracted.

Second, the women he cheated on me with... .her sister contacted me on facebook yesterday. She had an unhappy story to tell. Allegedly my boyfriend got the other woman pregnant about 2 years ago. The lady opted to terminate the pregnancy on Valentine's Day 2013.

It hits home partly because I had hoped to have another child. I am starting to get to the age where it may not be a good idea, and the first thing I think and feel is "he gave my baby to her and she killed it  :'( "

And on Valentine's day? how can a person ever forget that?

Even if he isnt lying or cheating NOW, i believe he will.

Daniell85, there is a lot going on here, wow. Having your birthday ignored and feeling like you can't even mention it (if I'm understanding correctly) is a sign that all communication has broken down.  Have you read this: bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down Is this where you are:

Stage Four Rather than face the pain and overwhelm they expect to experience, partners who have reached this third 'defensive' stage, may progress to the forth and final stage of breakdown, characterized by a breakdown of basic trust between the partners, and increasing disengagement in the name of self-protection.

It sounds like you are in a cycle of conflict feeding off of each other. Somehow, the two of you need to get off this trajectory - somehow - or the inevitable will happen.

I think what you are experiencing is a communication breakdown (the opposite of intimacy) which is eroding your trust and triggering all the latent trust incidents... .the 2012 affair, FOO issues, etc.  The recent news that there is another skeleton in the closet couldn't be coming at a worse time. Did this occur when you were in a committed relationship with him, or before?

"He gave my baby to her and she killed it" - is a huge amount of triggering. He wounded you (birthday) - you are dousing the wound in gas and running for an open flame.

We have to stop making it worse, before we can make it better.

Something good has to be done and someone has to start it. What can you do to reverse this?  What can he do?

[Daniell85]

Thanks for your comments, Skip.

His efforts over the past year have basically consisted of making himself present under a couple of conditions:

1. The affair, how he treated me over it, the current effects, why it happened, any show of sadness from me ( other than non specified reason sadness) is never shown to him, and I never ever ever ever speak of it. My silence is the price of his presence.

2. He gets to continue being around the other woman, having her on his social pages, protect her from me ( when she harasses me I am to not ever react or speak to her), he gets to block me permanently, conceal anything he wants, continue any contact he wants with other ladies. And once again my complete silence and acceptance are required.

If I speak, then I am blocked, given silent treatment, and ugly words are directed at me. If I apologize, go quiet and accept that, after a couple of weeks or so, he may be generous enough to forgive me enough to speak to me.

I have brought to the table a willingness to sit in silence, to smile as I am expected to smile, to swallow being harassed, to pretend I don't see lies, the past, the present disrespect. I have engaged in a supportive way, offering comfort, lifting up, reassurance, consideration, respect. I have made myself present.

I have historically been able to do this for about 2 months at a time, then my own pain and anxiety ( panic disorder) begin to wind up and I feel a deep pressure to clear some of the air so I can feel safe enough to stay present to him.

On the positive side, as long as I can do that and saying zero about the cheating stuff, he becomes more relaxed, engages more, is enormously happier, etc.


He asked to be exclusive at the beginning of 2012. He asked to marry on Christmas 2012. I agreed. He didn't have a ring for me yet. He bought one for Valentine's Day 2013. He offered it at that point, but there was so much weird stuff in the air by then, I hesitated. He was starting to become erratic towards me, verbally abusive, emotional meltdowns, lashing out.

I was completely baffled and just very upset. Then he left for a couple of months, I could see he had gone off with her. A lot of hateful things were directed at me by both of them. It was awful. I was completely crushed. I had no idea where this wonderful man I had known for years had gone to.

When he came back, I took him back. I thought hey sometimes people have a dark period in life. It's been a struggle ever since. Obviously I would want the other woman out of the picture. And it has been anything but that.

For him, this was a work related affair. He was working with her. Then jobs changed and he was working with her a couple of times a month. At this point, my understanding is they are NOT working together. So any contact is completely voluntary.


I do have the feelings for him, but they are being buried under all of these things. atm, I am just accepting that sometimes it just doesn't matter what you feel.

I am not willing to try and engage with him at all right now. I don't know what I can do there any time soon. Months probably. Don't want to let go, don't want to try.