Am always looking to improve validation and wanted to get others imput.

[EaglesJuju]

Validating other's feelings have been something that I have naturally been good at for as long as I can remember. Having this ability greatly helps my relationship with my boyfriend. I am always looking on ways to improve validation and wanted to get everyone's input.  What are your thoughts on validation? Do you struggle with it or does it come naturally? What makes validating your significant other hard at times?  What works for you?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

Validation does not come easily to me.  I work in a scientific field with numbers and machines all day long.  I really wish there was a Validation for dummies book available on the market.

[ColdEthyl]

It has been a learned process for me. I still struggle with what I should say because repeatedly saying "It sucks to feel that way" and "I understand" wears thin.

I need a better set of phrases for when he says he's useless and I deserve better.

[Chilibean13]

Validation is soo hard for me. I have a hard time when people allow emotions to influence their behavior towards others. I also have a hard time determining what my H's emotion is because sometimes it doesn't make sense. I'm too rational for all that mess. I understand that emotions are very real and people should be allowed to feel what they feel. I just wish it was done a little more privately.

I know this comes from my family of origin. My mom is not emtional, while my dad was. My maternal grandma was not emotional, while my grandpa was. Even my maternal g grandma was stoic. Neither of my sisters are highly emotional too.

[EaglesJuju]

It has been a learned process for me. I still struggle with what I should say because repeatedly saying "It sucks to feel that way" and "I understand" wears thin.

I need a better set of phrases for when he says he's useless and I deserve better.

That is really tough because you want to say, "You are far from useless and  you deserve me because I am in a relationship with you." Obviously, that is invalidating.  

What has worked for me when my bf is suffering from self-loathing, is thinking about a time where I felt useless or bad about myself. That helps me empathize with the way he could be feeling. Then I can understand his reasoning for feeling that way and reflect his perspective back to him; so he knows that I am listening and understand where he is coming from.

[babyducks]

Why can't validation have a sexy name,  like  1969 red corvette? 

I understand that validation is not synonymous with approval,  agreement or sympathy but honestly sometimes I have a hard time saying what it is.

[Cloudy Days]

I find it much easier to Validate other people other than my husband. I suppose it's easier to validate someone who isn't complaining about you in some way.

When I first started on this board I actually started a little journal where I would write down Validation responses. I needed things specific to being accused of cheating so I wrote down what I thought I could use and I tried to phrase things how I would say them. I keep it at work so it isn't found out but it actually works best for me at work because he does a lot of this stuff in text and I can easily look up a response think about what I really want to say and diffuse a situation easily. In person it is much harder to do, I am not good at speaking, I read that it was something that happens with introverts and I believe it because I can pretty much pour my heart out in when I write but speaking is an entirely different story.

I find that asking questions helps me a lot. It makes me seem interested and I have time to search for something to validate as he is talking.

[EaglesJuju]

I understand that validation is not synonymous with approval,  agreement or sympathy but honestly sometimes I have a hard time saying what it is.

I relate empathy to validation. I think both go hand in hand.  Listening is a huge part of it too. Regardless of whether you do not approve, agree, or truly understand, listening to your partner is a form of validation. It gives the impression that you care about what they are feeling. As enigmatic as BPD is, understanding your partner's behaviors helps with validation. When I am in a situation where it maybe hard for me to validate, I think about past situations and why my boyfriend has felt a certain way. It helps me understand where he is coming from.  

[Icthelight]

I find it much easier to Validate other people other than my husband. I suppose it's easier to validate someone who isn't complaining about you in some way.

Me too. I usually don't have a problem showing empathy or validating other people. Unless I know them to be chronic complainers or time and energy suckers. I don't have much patience for them either. With my wife, I try, I really, really try to be patient, understanding and to validate. However, it's tough when I'm being raged on or told how I'm not trying, keep making the same mistakes, and basically how miserable she is because of me. What's helping me now is that since I found that my wife may have BPD, it's easier to not take things so personally and I'm not so determined to state my point and to prove her wrong. It's a process and a specific mind set that I consciously apply and believe it or not, if the conversation begins to heat up, I repeat to: BPD, BPD, BPD. This may sound like I'm crazy, but it refocuses me and distracts me somewhat from her tongue lashing.

When I first started on this board I actually started a little journal where I would write down Validation responses.

I'll pay big bucks for a copy of that journal 

I am an introvert too, so writing is easier for me than speaking.

[Hope26]

I think validation is perhaps easier when there is less emotional involvement; e.g., listening to the concerns of a friend or co-worker, or used as a management tool in the business world.  What makes it difficult to use with uBPDh is that, when I probably need to try the hardest, he is in 'attack mode', I'm struggling with my own hurt and anger, and it feels almost hypocritical and self-demeaning to supply any words of justification for the irrational behavior.  Having said that, I know other tools I've learned here have helped immensely, so I probably need to try harder to understand how, or maybe when, to apply this one. 

[Grey Kitty]

I find it much easier to Validate other people other than my husband.

These days I'm separated and hardly talk to my wife. My friends I do talk to frequently are much more mentally healthy than she ever was... .and I am pretty sure I do a much better job of validating them. It is a lot easier when you feel safe with the other person.

When I think of validation, I mostly think of saying things that communicate that you notice how they are feeling, that you are paying attention to them, hearing them, and ultimately showing that you do care about them.

I suppose it's easier to validate someone who isn't complaining about you in some way.

[... .]

I needed things specific to being accused of cheating so I wrote down what I thought I could use and I tried to phrase things how I would say them.

What makes it difficult to use with uBPDh is that, when I probably need to try the hardest, he is in 'attack mode', I'm struggling with my own hurt and anger... .

However, it's tough when I'm being raged on or told how I'm not trying, keep making the same mistakes, and basically how miserable she is because of me.

I try to use validation more as a strategic carpet-bombing-with-love tool, and less as a tactical damage control tool. When you are attacked or provoked like that, your partner is not in a very receptive place, and are less likely to accept the validation in that mood.

If I even tried to validate in circumstances like that, I only tried it once or twice, then wrote it off and used boundary enforcement instead. (Boundary: I will not be present while being raged at / belittled / verbally abused / etc.)

First off, validation has to be sincere to work. If you are feeling hurt and defensive, I think it is just about impossible to keep your body language and other non-verbal cues validating even if you can come up with validating words. It is very very very hard to stay compassionate and caring while being attacked. Even the best of us cannot do that for long.

Second, it just harms you and your relationship too much to keep listening to that sort of stuff.

And thirdly, you don't validate the invalid. If you are being accused of cheating, don't validate that you did cheat. The fear of being cheated on is valid, you could validate how hard it would be to think your partner is cheating. When they are raging, that isn't what they want.

[Mutt]

I hadn't hear of validation until I joined bpdfamily and I do validate my ex wife. I notice that when she projects she can be condescending, rigid and critical and I think that part of that is her inner voice and I believe that she is really hard on herself. That being said, I'll validate the valid because she was likely invalidated and had critical caregivers and family members in her childhood and growing up. I can see that it has improved our relationship after our dissolution of marriage.

I transcend validation with everyday life; friends, co-workers, strangers and above all my kids. I think that's been a huge benefit for my family because I see that often when I validate their feelings and I'm understanding they will share their feelings with me and I think that it's helped strengthen the bond with all of my kids, especially my oldest, my daughter. She opens up and we have our father and daughter talks.

[steve195915]

Validating other's feelings have been something that I have naturally been good at for as long as I can remember. Having this ability greatly helps my relationship with my boyfriend. I am always looking on ways to improve validation and wanted to get everyone's input.  What are your thoughts on validation? Do you struggle with it or does it come naturally? What makes validating your significant other hard at times?  What works for you?

Validation isn't a natural thing for me but I've learned the technique and it works great with my BPDgf interactions.  It's something I have to consciously tell myself to do and be aware of.  It's actually pretty easy when my BPDgf's issue is about someone else or some situation that I'm not directly involved in.  The struggle is when she's directly attacking me, then I want to defend myself or explain my point of view and opinion.  Validating her can be very frustrating because it's like I have to agree to anything she feels however I'm not allowed to even have an opinion or speak my mind or to say what I'm feeling.

A typical situation is where she is verbally abusing me about some trivial thing, like once I told her I had Rice Krispies for breakfast and she got angry and went on how I don't care about myself or my health if I eat junk like that and also went on how I don't exercise enough along with other insults and that it shows I don't care for her.  I started to say there's nothing wrong with cereal and that I put fruit in with it and that I do watch what I eat and do take care of myself and she needs to respect my opinion but she started getting furious.  So to calm the situation I have to validate her and say I understand she gets upset when she feels I'm not taking care of myself properly and I thank her for caring and say I'll try to do better and eat better foods and get more exercise.  In reality I think it's ridiculous and she needs to respect what I like to eat and there's nothing wrong with cereal, and the fact is that I take very good care of myself.  

So in summary, constantly having to validate the BPDgf especially when it's her negative feelings about me can be very exasperating.  It's mentally challenging when I never seem to get my feelings validated and dare not express them to her.  

[C.Stein]

The struggle is when she's directly attacking me, then I want to defend myself or explain my point of view and opinion.  Validating her can be very frustrating because it's like I have to agree to anything she feels however I'm not allowed to even have an opinion or speak my mind or to say what I'm feeling.

This is the biggest problem I have.  Personally if someone were to validate me in a case like this I would feel patronized.  When I am doing the validating under circumstances where I am being attacked by a loved one I have to say it feels less then genuine.  No one likes being attacked and treated like a doormat.  Validating in these cases seems more enabling the behavior than anything to me, especially when the issue they have is unwarranted and unjustified.  It seems like you are willingly becoming the doormat.

I understand in their mind at the time they believe their anger/frustration is valid but I fail to see how validating in these cases isn't also positive reinforcement.  Without a doubt it does help diffuse the situation but what does it do to help prevent it in the future?

[EaglesJuju]

This is the biggest problem I have.  Personally if someone were to validate me in a case like this I would feel patronized.  When I am doing the validating under circumstances where I am being attacked by a loved one I have to say it feels less then genuine.  No one likes being attacked and treated like a doormat.  Validating in these cases seems more enabling the behavior than anything to me, especially when the issue they have is unwarranted and unjustified.  It seems like you are willingly becoming the doormat.

I understand in their mind at the time they believe their anger/frustration is valid but I fail to see how validating in these cases isn't also positive reinforcement.  Without a doubt it does help diffuse the situation but what does it do to help prevent it in the future?

Validation does not mean that you have to agree with the person's behavior. Nor does it mean enabling it either. You do not validate the invalid.

Our reactions to the behavior of pwBPD has influence on whether things become escalated or diffusing the situation. Although we aren't the "problem," we become the problem by the way we react.  If you are reacting to the behavior by defending yourself it makes things worse. In a situation where things become heated, it is best to take a time out. 

You cannot prevent things from occurring in the future or how your pwBPD behaves. You can only change your behavior.

Invalidation is a two way street. If you are deciding their issue as unwarranted or unjustified you are invalidating them. From their perspective what they are feeling is justified and warranted. They are invalidating your feelings by lashing out at you. We expect our partners to validate us when are feeling a certain way.  We do not like when we are invalidated and it is the same for them. You may not agree with what is being said, although understanding and having empathy for why they are feeling the way they are is the reality of validation.

The non-BPD partner sets the example.

[steve195915]

The struggle is when she's directly attacking me, then I want to defend myself or explain my point of view and opinion.  Validating her can be very frustrating because it's like I have to agree to anything she feels however I'm not allowed to even have an opinion or speak my mind or to say what I'm feeling.

This is the biggest problem I have.  Personally if someone were to validate me in a case like this I would feel patronized.  When I am doing the validating under circumstances where I am being attacked by a loved one I have to say it feels less then genuine.  No one likes being attacked and treated like a doormat.  Validating in these cases seems more enabling the behavior than anything to me, especially when the issue they have is unwarranted and unjustified.  It seems like you are willingly becoming the doormat.

I understand in their mind at the time they believe their anger/frustration is valid but I fail to see how validating in these cases isn't also positive reinforcement.  Without a doubt it does help diffuse the situation but what does it do to help prevent it in the future?

I have thought that validating the BPDgf's  feelings when I'm being attacked unjustly may provide positive reinforcement and that may be true for a 'normal' person but I'm realizing that their actions or behavior cannot be changed or prevented.  The non BPD partner needs to rise above the situation and provide the validation to diffuse the situation and stop any escalation.  I know that validating does not mean you agree with their behavior however it is very difficult to even acknowledge their feelings when you are under attack and their feelings are unwarranted and unjustified.  In situations like this I'm going to quietly tell myself it's the BPD, it's the BPD... . 

[Cole]

I have trouble with validation because I look at everything from the logical side and do not understand her emotional reactions. Our friends jokingly call us Spock and Lucy (Ball). What I have learned here at bpdfamily is that I don't have to fully understand her emotions, but I have to acknowledge them, allow her to have them, and not make her feel like she is wrong for having them.

Before last December when I found this forum, I was not just failing to validate, I was invalidating. Not good.

[Mutt]

Cole,

I share the same feelings with how I speak and how I can be invalidating. I struggled with validation and I'm still learning. I'm INTJ personality type and I tend to view everything logically, things have to make sense. I didn't understand that my wife was mentally ill, things didn't make sense before learning about personality disorders, and now I understand the logic with how she behaves / reacts.

[Cole]

One of the first things I learned on here when I joined in December was from form flyer- If you can't validate, at least avoid invalidating. That has been very difficult for me.

My law enforcement experience is mostly as a tactics trainer and the go-to guy when there was a situation that had to be handled faster that our regional SWAT could get there. I had to make very fast, very important decisions based on little information. I could not afford to think about anything beyond the known facts and logical possibilities. How someone "felt" about the operation was quite irrelevant. Feelings could get my guys dead.

After you pull a dead little girl out of a mangled car or walk into a situation where dad blew his head off with a shotgun in front of his wife and kids, you learn to turn off and tune out your own feelings. I have had to really work hard on allowing myself to have feelings so as to understand my BPD wife, who is governed by hers. Maybe when she is more stable I need to explain that to her.  

[unicorn2014]

I do not know. I am still having the same problem of being saturated by my partners I miss you, you're the love of my life, I love you. I'm going to have start my own subject in this because my problem is slightly different. I don't feel the same as my partner.

[RedPixie]

In my seeking for my own validation, never having his empathy,  feeling like i was going crazy to be blamed for the things he was doing... .then i found this place 3 weeks ago.

Ive always been good at validating his feelings except at my "hormonal" times... .

This week is it... . 

So far so good... .

Tonight he came home raging that drivers were trying to kill him, someone ran over his bike light... .everything is ___, work is a nightmare RA RA RA ... .

Normally my anxiety would kick in I'd get scared, I'd feel all his feelings and then say something stupid that would make him direct it all at me.

But tonight i validated, it must have been scary? detached empathised got busy with something else... .later he apologised to me for his bad temper. And i told him thanks that I'd been reading some good things about not taking his stuff personally.

Thank you BPD family... .

Without this knowledge i thought he was being so insensitive to my time of the month... .why wasn't i ever aloud to be grumpy or have a bad day why was it always about his bad day,  bad luck, bad life... .

Now i understand 

[EaglesJuju]

But tonight i validated, it must have been scary? detached empathised got busy with something else... .later he apologised to me for his bad temper. And i told him thanks that I'd been reading some good things about not taking his stuff personally.

Good work RedPixie.   

It does really help not taking things personally at times. I like to think of it as everyone gets frustrated or has a bad day. The intensity of the emotions of a pwBPD and subsequent coping mechanisms makes it different/difficult at times, but the underlying concept is the same; understanding and empathy for another person.

I have had the same type of response from my boyfriend after I validated his feelings when he was having one of those days. After the validation and once his emotions stabilize, I often receive an apology.  As much as I have griped that my boyfriend is insensitive at times, he has told me that he has learned how important it is to listen to me and my feelings, because I listen to his. I learned that if I am not validating his feelings, I cannot expect him to validate mine.   

Without this knowledge i thought he was being so insensitive to my time of the month... .why wasn't i ever aloud to be grumpy or have a bad day why was it always about his bad day,  bad luck, bad life... .

Now i understand