I'm trapped in this relationship with a uBPD/NPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Is there a newbie board or something for people who are staying, but only because they are trapped?  I'm trapped in this relationship with a uBPD/NPD, I feel horrible because we have a child who I really want to have a good life; however, my SO is really obnoxious.  I've read a lot of the materials about BPD/NPD and I agree with most of it.  I don't know if I can do validation with a straight face - I have sort of prided myself on being authentic and it pains me to pretend to empathize on a daily basis when in reality I see her as being petty, negative, overreacting, etc.  I have a hard time seeing her as having a disease or illness when I try to view everyone as basically the same and I feel like she could control herself if she wanted to but is having too much success doing things the wrong way.  She is under some delusion that she is "in charge" of everything in the house, including me.

According to her I am supposed to give an audience for all of these supposed outrages while not having any of my needs met; it is as if I am single with a delinquent teenage child that cannot be shipped off to boarding school.

People have said things like - it is better for a child to have only one parent than two parents who don't get along.  I am not sure if I agree with that, assuming the fighting doesn't happen around the child.  Probably if we broke up she would get custody as I don't have it in me to screw her over that bad.  I still hold out hope that she will get help someday.  I just don't know how long I have to wait being tortured on a daily basis.

[leggomyeggshell]

Is there a newbie board or something for people who are staying, but only because they are trapped?  I'm trapped in this relationship with a uBPD/NPD, I feel horrible because we have a child who I really want to have a good life; however, my SO is really obnoxious.  I've read a lot of the materials about BPD/NPD and I agree with most of it.  I don't know if I can do validation with a straight face - I have sort of prided myself on being authentic and it pains me to pretend to empathize on a daily basis when in reality I see her as being petty, negative, overreacting, etc.  I have a hard time seeing her as having a disease or illness when I try to view everyone as basically the same and I feel like she could control herself if she wanted to but is having too much success doing things the wrong way.  She is under some delusion that she is "in charge" of everything in the house, including me.

According to her I am supposed to give an audience for all of these supposed outrages while not having any of my needs met; it is as if I am single with a delinquent teenage child that cannot be shipped off to boarding school.

People have said things like - it is better for a child to have only one parent than two parents who don't get along.  I am not sure if I agree with that, assuming the fighting doesn't happen around the child.  Probably if we broke up she would get custody as I don't have it in me to screw her over that bad.  I still hold out hope that she will get help someday.  I just don't know how long I have to wait being tortured on a daily basis.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LilMe]

Hi Leggo,

Nothing is easy about being in a difficult situation like this.  I am not able to leave my situation. I have to focus on keeping myself and my children safe and healthy. I also must accept the situation as it is right now. My uBPDh is how he is and most likely will not change.

It does me no good to have unreasonable expectations of him. I do my best to be the best I can. If he dysregulates it sucks, but if he doesn't, I can be thankful for that.  I am 'trapped' legally, but I take full responsibility for getting into the situation. I know better now who to trust; who I can believe. I am teaching this to my children in the hope that they will have a good life and be treated well by loved ones.

Keep reading and practicing the lessons. Use what works. Work on bettering yourself. That is the only option.

[formflier]

  You are in the right place. Focus on the lessons. I suggest that you may be confusing validating and agreement.  I confused those "early on".  You don't have to agree with something to validate it. She is entitled to feel that she is in charge. Best if you can get to a place where you "hear" and "understand" her feelings, nonchalantly let her know that you feel differently, and ask her if she needs any emotional support (vice you doing things) in figuring out the situation that she is in. Leave action steps for her unhappiness up to her.                                

FF

[Chilibean13]

Learning to validate has been such a huge relief for me. Yes, sometimes it seems authentic and other times it gives me insight into my uBPDh mind. The main thing though is that validation gives me freedom! Freedom from lectures, rages, pouting, and many of the other behaviors that I've put up with for years. And even better is that I rarely have to say sorry anymore! It is SO nice to not have to apologize for something I didn't do!

At times I still feel stuck but those times are fewer and fewer because I'm learning skills to help myself. Start at the begining of the LEssons and just start going through them slowly. It really does help. And of course this board is here to help you through the hard moments.

[leggomyeggshell]

Thank you for the responses.  It seems like I need to work on accepting this a bit more.  Up to this point I have held out hope that she would somehow see the light and be cured, or that there might be a miracle solution to this.  With validation I think I am worried I will not be able to contain my true feelings because sometimes the things she says trigger me as well.  I can try to always be the bigger person but I don't know if I can do that forever and I worry I will explode at some point and tell her how I really feel.  The things she complains of sometimes implicate me as well, and sometimes I will need a break from this emotional rollercoaster, except that if I leave the house to take a breather she would lock me out.  Also, she attempts to force me to agree to do certain things that I dont really want to do.  That can also be a trigger for me.  Anyway, I appreciate the advice, I will continue to work on validation and acceptance.

[Icthelight]

So sorry you're going through this roller coaster ride and feeling frustrated, anger and resentment towards your wife. Many of us know how you feel, so you're not alone.

The suggestions that have struck a chord for me that many have given me is to take care of myself and to set healthy boundaries, which is something I was not doing? I am now working out regularly, trying to eat healthier and have started to see a therapist. My goal is to not focus on changing my w but focus on changing my responses, attitude and just changing to be a better person. I, like you, am also angry and resentful, so I want to work through those issues with a professional and here on this board.

Are you doing anything to take care of yourself? Do fun things with your child, things that you find joy in and that bring pleasure to you. Is seeing a therapist an option for you? As difficult as it is, try to diminish the influence that your w has on you. Show her kindness and love, but try to make her less relevant so that you're not impacted so much by her rages, abuse and actions. Set healthy boundaries, such as ending the conversation if she rages or verbally abuses you. Focusing on yourself and your child I believe will help you down this path.

[leggomyeggshell]

I probably should go to counseling.  I just worry they will tell me to leave the relationship.  I'm staying for the kid and dog and those fleeting moments of normalcy.  That and the fact that leaving would be a major headache I don't think I can deal with at the moment.  My friend recently divorced his BPD wife (lots of them apparently around my inner circle).  Currently he is having a lot of issues so I don't know, maybe either approach is equally bad.

My SO is one of the hyper- controlling versions of the disorder so I'm not able to leave the house much to get my own needs taken care of through exercise, etc.  One thing that is good though is that she stays up until like 5 am every night stressing out about things, so as a result she is asleep until about noon and I have all of that time to spend time with our child without negative interference.

[flourdust]

I probably should go to counseling.  I just worry they will tell me to leave the relationship.  I'm staying for the kid and dog and those fleeting moments of normalcy.  That and the fact that leaving would be a major headache I don't think I can deal with at the moment.  My friend recently divorced his BPD wife (lots of them apparently around my inner circle).  Currently he is having a lot of issues so I don't know, maybe either approach is equally bad.

I'm seeing a psychologist -- she's not telling me to leave the relationship; she's helping me figure out how to take care of myself and make that kind of decision wisely. It's a valuable resource.

[formflier]

  It would be rare for a counselor to be directive.  They normally help you understand yourself and what is available.  It is up to you to make the decisions.                        

FF