Push/Pull Hell

[sweet tooth]

I'm fairly certain my friend/girlfriend (it constantly changes) is a high functioning pwBPD. I am a very patient man and can handle just about anything. However, 8 months of push/pull and hot/cold have worn me down. I've become obsessive. Last week she was feeling down and talking to me every day (after a month of cold). This week she's barely talking to me. She also told me she's "doing very well and happy," which doesn't make sense. We saw each other last week and she was telling me how she's sexually frustrated. However, she won't to commit to having sex with me. By the time I messaged her to tell her that I was home safely she had already gone somewhat cold.

The constant indecisions, ups and downs, mixed messages, and lack of communication are taking a toll on my mental health. I'm seeing my longtime counselor, but it's not really helping. I don't know how to cope with caring about someone who is emotionally unstable. I'm driving myself nuts. Please help.

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[sweet tooth]

Also, last week she told me that I'm "so nice to her it makes her want to cry and she doesn't know how to handle it." She also said that she doesn't think she deserves me because she can't give me what I want or deserve. She ended the conversation by telling me that I'm "the best." What I got out of that:

-Her self esteem is in the toilet.

-She knows, on some level, that she has a problem.

-She wants to be with me, but believes that she is unworthy.

[Rapt Reader]

Yeah, those common BPD traits and behaviors are very hurtful and frustrating, sweet tooth, and I'm sorry you are having to deal with them... .You two have been together for 8 months? How long before she started exhibiting the push/pull that is driving you crazy?

There really are ways to make things better, and to deal with that stuff. Have you had the chance to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page? There are also some Feature Articles linked to under the 4 photos at the top of the thread listings page of the Staying Board that would explain things and give you great advice and tips on how to deal with this situation... .

One of the best things you can do for yourself, and also for your relationship with her, is to learn about Radical Acceptance of who she is and how she is, and to try to detach yourself from her dysregulations and the hurtful things she does and says to you. Once you have that in your toolkit, things can really start looking up. Have you ever read the book "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie? It was very helpful to me in learning how to not let my Husband keep pushing my buttons with his BPD behaviors... .Coupled with the information on this site (especially using Radical Acceptance and Detachment), things have really gotten so much better 

I do believe that learning about what I mentioned above can help you learn how to cope with your girlfriend's troubling behaviors, and help you stop driving yourself nuts   

[unicorn2014]

I don't know if this will be of any help, but recently I learned from my therapist that is was my dad who accustomed me to this kind of behavior, in a parent/child context. Do you think it might help if you were to identify what made you vulnerable to this kind of dynamic?

[sweet tooth]

Rapt Reader, she actually began the "push pull" the very first day we met. We met at a mutual friend's party. We hit it off very well. I messaged her afterward through Facebook asking for her phone number. She wouldn't give it to me because she was "interested in someone else and didn't want to lead me on." After our first date she went cold and ignored me for awhile. I almost didn't go out with her again after that, but I gave in. We were hanging out for maybe a month after that. I asked her to go camping with me and she broke it off and said she'd rather just be friends. I assumed she didn't want to see me anymore. Two days later I got a text basically asking why I stopped talking to her. About a month and a half later she said she'd rather just be friends. She went out with another guy and posted a pic of it online. Apparently he didn't like that. She told me that she cried over it for hours because she hates losing friends. About a week after that she told me she was ready to date again, and stated a guy with the same name as me wanted to date her. I went off on her a bit, stating I was mad at her and her behavior was hurtful. Two days later she apologized and said she didn't mean to hurt me. I thought it was possible that when she said she was ready to date again and said the guy's name was "X" it might have been a cute way to Leah me. To this day I still don't know. The catalyst to the month of silence was when SHE brought up sex. I told her I don't have a lot of sexual experience. Didn't hear from her for a month. Then she messaged me out of the blue telling me that she was depressed. We talked every day for a week. Now she's cold again. I've heard very little from her for the past week.

Every time she went cold we had gotten closer:

-The meeting

-The first date

-Inviting her to go camping

-Inviting her somewhere that involved her child

-The Sex talk

She's openly told me that she has trust issues, a fear of intimacy, and that she's "screwed up." She's been involved in abusive relationships in the past, including a sociopath ex-husband that makes her life hell. In her defense, she's also told me not to expect anything out of her and that she believes it will take "years of work" for her to recover. Maybe I'm just expecting more than she's able to give me. I don't know. I do know, however, that I've NEVER had a bad time when we got together and I care about her deeply. This situation sucks.

[Rapt Reader]

Yeah, it really does suck, sweet tooth

Everything she's told you about herself is really true, and I'm pretty surprised at her self-awareness (my own Husband does have some awareness of his issues and behaviors, but isn't as analytical and perceptive as your girlfriend). I do think that is a good thing, and a possible bright light here for you... .Is she in any type of Therapy? Does she have a Counselor or other mental health professional helping her at all? Once someone with mental health issues acknowledges those issues (which she has), decides to get help for them and then follows through with that help, things actually can get better.

Is she anywhere near that stage? Have you had the chance to check out the links on this site yet? Have you read about our communication techniques that can help you learn how to deal with our BPD loved ones in a better way (Validation, S.E.T.)? Have you gotten a handle on why she is the way she is (THE LESSONS are great for this!)? Knowledge is power, and once it all starts to make sense to you, it really will help make things less hurtful and stressful for you 

[shatra]

Yes the behaviors are typical of BPD--push pul and hot cold

Rapt wrote-

Everything she's told you about herself is really true, and I'm pretty surprised at her self-awareness (my own Husband does have some awareness of his issues and behaviors, but isn't as analytical and perceptive as your girlfriend).

---Do u mean that other BPDs just act out and have no idea why? Or that they donn't think they have a problem, or that it's "typical" to do puush-pull? I'm shocked, because to me these behaviors are so not typical and so not healthy.


Have you gotten a handle on why she is the way she is (THE LESSONS are great for this!)? Knowledge is power, and once it all starts to make sense to you, it really will help make things less hurtful and stressful for you 

---The lessons are helpful. Do u mean that once we "make sense" of their actions that typicallyy don't make sense to the average person, that it will be less hurtful? WOuld that be because knowing it's part of BPD would help us not take it personally?

[Rapt Reader]

Rapt wrote-

Everything she's told you about herself is really true, and I'm pretty surprised at her self-awareness (my own Husband does have some awareness of his issues and behaviors, but isn't as analytical and perceptive as your girlfriend).

---Do u mean that other BPDs just act out and have no idea why? Or that they donn't think they have a problem, or that it's "typical" to do puush-pull? I'm shocked, because to me these behaviors are so not typical and so not healthy.

In my experience with my loved ones with BPD/BPD traits, they don't think they have problems, and they think that their own behaviors are basically "normal" and fine. My adult (38) son, who was diagnosed BPD in April 2013, never realized that his behaviors were not helpful to him or those around him until after diagnosis, treatment, and recovery. The others, undiagnosed and untreated, still don't realize that the push/pull and dysregulations they exhibit are anything they need to change    And I do have many loved ones with either BPD or BPD traits: Husband, Son, M-I-L, and D-I-L who is the wife of my other Son.

[Rapt wrote]

Have you gotten a handle on why she is the way she is (THE LESSONS are great for this!)? Knowledge is power, and once it all starts to make sense to you, it really will help make things less hurtful and stressful for you 

---The lessons are helpful. Do u mean that once we "make sense" of their actions that typicallyy don't make sense to the average person, that it will be less hurtful? WOuld that be because knowing it's part of BPD would help us not take it personally?

Once we are able to understand WHY our BPD loved ones act the way they do--it is a disorder that is driving them--and then learn how to cope with those actions, by using Detachment (yes, by not taking every action or behavior or thing they say personally), Validation, S.E.T, Boundaries, Radical Acceptance, etc., it is easier to be less hurt or angry, and easier to react accordingly. And things can get better for everyone, which is exactly what I have experienced in my own life with every one of my loved ones