FartonmyHeart
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 20
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« on: November 21, 2015, 07:30:49 PM » |
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So my partner (in work, art, love, and practical living matters) of about seven years recently declined rapidly into a psychotic breakdown and on top of GAD, MDD, and tehe ADHD we knew about, was given a BPD diagnosis as well. As I have been learning more about BPD I've been amazed and saddened that he struggled so long, and that I enabled him so well. =( I'm not interested in guilting myself to death over it though, we both did the best we could with the knowledge we had at the time.
I posted earlier about our background if anyone is interested, but he is currently nearing the halfway mark for a residential treatment program that I fought hard to get him to enter into. And I definitely engaged in codependent, enabling, awful for myself behaviors in order to get him there (he was very much a danger to himself, and had engaged in serious and untreated/undocumented self harm while in State care)... .making the deal with myself that once he WAS there my "obligation" would be paid in full and I could let go of my mental death-grip o' martyrdom caretaking Perhaps not the wisest self bargain, but it got us both through and I am actually mentally relaxing back into myself quite well, considering.
B/c I am unwilling to continue high-level caretaking involvement, I don't want to request consultation or paperwork from his T (I have HIPPA clearance tho we are not married), I have no clue whether his initial diagnosis has evolved, what meds he's on, whether he's complying with treatment, etc. beyond what he shares, (he's not been the most reliable narrator for some time) and I'm not going to push b/c that's not my "duty"-- but it DOES affect how I interpret his actions and statements, which are super erratic, but it's a BIG factor for me in deciding MY stance on how involved I want to be going forward in this relationship.
I have told him (and have held firmly to it) that I would never call him or visit w/out invitation, that the facility is HIS space and while I am happy always to hear from and see him he doesn't need to worry about me, just to be there and do his work and if he wants, invite me. As such his contact has been VERY limited. Midweek this week he asked me about my schedule to make a joint session with his T, but later said he'd rather put it off till later after he saw " how things went."
The next day he called to say he was OK (not OK), having been driven by "the house" (our home, ouch) and "missed being there." He then told me he'd been put back on self harm watch after getting very upset at a someone leaving that morning, so I asked if he wanted to tell me about his friend. "She wasn't really my friend," he said, "we barely talked, but I just felt she was really special," he said, and asked if I remembered a very young looking girl that fits his self proclaimed "type." "She did seem nice," I said, "and I know it's disappointing when it feels you've missed an opportunity to connect with someone. When I visited I saw lots of interesting people looking at you like they thought you seemed interesting too. Do you want to talk more about what happened today or about someone you could make friends with tomorrow?" ... .and I realized, performing that validation for him as he called me only to tell me that he'd considered mutilating himself over sexual desire for another woman, that I was at least beginning the process of healthy detachment.
I don't know what to think or feel really right now about our relationship, but practicality DEMANDS I start. My T is going on vacay till the first and said "make no major life decisions!" Easy for him to say, right? Ha! At any rate, I feel pretty strongly that my pwBPD wants out. So much so that I actually told him we were over as partners (like, first time in August!--then again about 6wks ago?), but that I'd always be in his life if he wanted me to be etc., he has responded alternately with relief and then with commentary about how he wants to be together, can't imagine not being together, etc, but wants to "do bad things,", to which I have so far always responded "You just learned a lot of new stuff about yourself, and you need time to work with that. You do your work. I'm gonna do some work too. We can be here for each other in the meantime, or take some time apart too if that's what we need. Either way we are showing we care for each other."
Right now I kinda feel like limited contact friendship will be best? But would it be awful for me to start figuring out how to get his things concentrated in the house for packing, maybe even ask his family to hire movers/storage so I can move in a roommate? Fiinancially he's very well off, he will not be monetarily harmed by this: I am worried that it will impact his emotional state. however I really need to start planning for how to pay December's rent and his name is not on the lease and if I'm right in two weeks he'll come out and think nothing of leaving me with all the bills due to family pressure. Ugh. What do I do? Wait for him to call and try to bring it up again, knowing his folks (who hate me, his mom IMHO possibly BPD also) have been visiting him this weekend, and also keeping in mind I am physically disabled so everything takes about 5000x as long to do + holidays are coming... .?
Or do I just cross fingers legs toes and hope that he will do as "promised" and pay rent/bills through December, even if he stays longer in the facility, or if he comes out he'll "come home" but into a day program where he'll be gone from 9-3 and potentially sleep elsewhwere? Should I not be worrying about this? It's hard not to. I'm being urged to schedule a relatively major surgery before the end of the year to take advantage of my insurance but I can't do that without knowing what my living situation will be like.
On the one hand I feel like I'm slowly finding a way to feel free again without losing my pwBPD, but on the other I feel like I'm being held hostage still. Any thoughts welcome. Sorry for the very long ramble and thank you all for reading/sharing, the forums and resources here have been a big help to me so far.
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