Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 12:03:02 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Depression = 72% of members
Take the test, read about the implications, and check out the remedies.
111
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: coping with anger with my uBPD mom  (Read 489 times)
Only Child

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: single
Posts: 48



« on: November 22, 2015, 02:02:19 PM »

Especially during the holidays, my anger about my life with my uBPD mom as an only child with no father (deceased when I was 2) and a half-brother that moved away when I was 5--both leaving me alone with crazy mom all those years growing up--really seems to come to a peak.

I won't go into all the details here because I'm sure many of you know are familiar with uBPD mother behavior, but I have always believed she may have caused my father to die so young, who had already a heart condition and fatal hypertension.  She never stopped badgering him, so he died at age 52.  Too young.  My half-brother, age 12 at the time of our Dad's death, definitely saw the writing on the wall as far as his crazy step-mom, and he was right to want to leave and live with his other siblings elsewhere.  But these are great losses in my life as a child, and I can't forgive my mom for these things--for hurting the ones I loved to make them leave, and then hurting me by denying me any friendships, or other family support because she wanted me all to herself (still does).

During the holidays, mom seems to demand so much from me emotionally and it's so hard to keep my anger at bay when I literally feel like I'm being strangled emotionally. She is never satisfied, always wants more and is extremely manipulative and lies a lot (by omission).  Then the truth comes out and it's sickening and depressing and hard not to react in anger.  

OK so I'm spending Thanksgiving Day with her, trying to read all your posts here about not being angry and staying in a forgiving place because anger only hurts us, but I am having a very, very hard time keeping from lashing out against her ridiculously oppressive neediness and complete denial of what she's doing or did throughout my life.

I was in N/C with her for 10 months until this past July, and I'm trying hard to stay in her life, as she is elderly (94 in January) and I have a hard time worrying about her with her age and medical/emotional and vision problems.  I should have left her long, long ago when I was still a teenager and had the chance, but that opportunity has long gone...  :'( Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)
Logged
tenacity
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Happily married 28 years.
Posts: 1287



« Reply #1 on: November 22, 2015, 11:38:52 PM »

Holidays are especially hard with pd'd parents and ALLLL the baggage they bring with them --- your angry feelings are very valid. It is 100% ok to feel that way. It is a legitimate emotion for all that you have been through. Personally I FINALLY let myself feel that anger... .it was so scary at first but over time it lost its power over me and became less and less, to the point I didn't feel afraid of it... .because at the beginning it was pretty intense and did REALLY scare me. Part of the way we grew up is we became conditioned to lose ourselves emotionally to the pd'd parent(s) in our lives. We are made to feel bad about expressing most emotions and especially anger. Finding a safe way to let the anger out goes a long way in helping us heal. For myself I got a punching bag, and journaled a lot. I also had a therapist that validated my experience and let me know that my anger was helping me to move past the victim phase to where I felt more empowered in my situation. I stopped worrying about forgiving and worked solely on myself. Stopped trying to figure out why my mom was the way she was... .and started to look at how I could heal and move through it. Had I not let that anger out... .in a safe and controlled way, I don't know if the forgiveness would have come. But it eventually did as a by-product of all the other work I did.

I experienced the same... .lying by omission along with flat out lying. I am still working through some of that because so much of what I thought was true for so many years was not. I got to where I just pretty much stopped believing her and assumed she was lying... .kind of the opposite of what you would do with a "normal" person   She tried to turn me against relatives she knew meant the world to me, by lying to me about them constantly. So I kind of just took what she said with a grain of salt once I figured her out.

Keep in mind that SHE isn't going to change. You can detach from her. Don't let her drag you into the negative stuff, just keep it superface-y. They are always trying to push our buttons and when we stop reacting it throws them for a loop. They finally realize it isn't going to work anymore. They tend to ramp it up when they feel us pulling away in conversations and with being with them. Only do what you feel comfortable doing for her. Try not to over extend yourself. Knowing that they are an endless pit of neediness helps... .and makes it feel less personal when all of our efforts are criticized. That is the way they operate. It is very hard to be around... .but someone here told me years ago to write a word on my hand or a short phrase to look at when they start their stuff... .I chose the words "do not defend" and would look at it often when visiting my parents. It went a long way in helping ME during my interactions with them.

Give yourself a chance to really grieve your losses ... .of your father and half-brother. They are big losses and it is ok to give them that attention for however long it takes. Having the feelings come back stronger around the holidays makes sense too, because everywhere we look it is all about the perfect family holiday.   This group is a great place to be and especially at this time of year because most of us are dealing with the exact same things on some level.   

You can still "leave" her emotionally and go very limited contact also. They say and do the things they do to us to TRY to get a reaction and make us mad. Don't give her that "gift" this holiday season.  Take care of you 

Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12105


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #2 on: November 22, 2015, 11:41:52 PM »

It's frustrating and angering to realize that we may have been the emotional parents of our parents. The summer I was 18 (I had already moved out), my mom had her worst breakdown. She stood on her porch, in anger and tears, and told me to "just go!" I flirted with the thought for a moment, but realized that I was so angrt and frustrated that if I had left,.I never would have wanted to see her again. We got through the day, fixing a drama of her own creation, and I went back to living 50 miles away.

At 94, you have to deal with the emotional aspect as well as her advanced age, a double-blow. While forgiveness is a good end goal, it sounds like you're really angry. I think sometimes, lost in all the talk about validating the pwBPD in our lives, we miss validating ourselves. I think you have every right to be angry. The question is, will, you get any type of validation from a 94 year old woman? Or will you have to give it to yourself?

Almost 20 years ago, I told my mom that I forgave her for everything. In tears, she said "thanks." Then I moved out of state. With the impending possibility of her moving in with me this winter, I find myself not liking the long suppressed feelings that are stirring within me. I feel guilt, not wanting to deal with it. Anger and guilt are ok. It's what I feel.

Being an only child, as I am, can be a huge burden. Can you accept that you have a right to be angry still? I think that not abandoning her shows a huge amount of loyalty, regardless of everything.
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Only Child

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: single
Posts: 48



« Reply #3 on: November 23, 2015, 04:36:14 PM »

Tenacity and Turkish: thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and answer thoughtfully.

Yes, I'm angry, and I feel it's not only about her BPD behavior so much as it is that I, an only child with no other family whatsoever, have to be hypervigilant towards the only family member remaining in my life, my mother, and strive to always keep her at arm's length.  It's so hard when sometimes I feel so lonely and like an orphan.  Well, I'm sure you understand the burden, esp. the only children out there.

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Tenacity: I also have learned to channel my anger pretty well:  I also journal and I am a songwriter and I write songs, also I'm a dancer and for the last 5 years I've been dancing and studying dance a tremendous lot.  I can actually feel that anger leaving me when I dance, and being replaced by a sense of wholeness and recognizing my true, authentic happy self in the dance, and loving that self.  In my songwriting, I can express the sadness of my soul and also validation when I connect with others through my songs.  So it's all good, the artistic path that I've been on for some time. 

But I still feel anger, and it's turned into a kind of self-hatred because I have so few friends and lack community for a lot of reasons.  When I feel self-hatred and pain, I isolate.  That can be positive, especially for writing new songs and practicing my guitar, but often I distract and it's really that unproductive time off that I feel bad about.

I do try to self-validate my anger, and I believe I have every reason to be angry.  But most people are afraid of it, including, unfortunately, my Therapist of many years, who lately I had to part from because she was too controlling and repressive of my anger, and that was a big deal-breaker.  I needed to get my anger out with her, lay the cards on the table and process it, but whenever it would come out, she would clamp down hard on me and get really controlling and domineering.  This really didn't work for me.  Very frustrating to have come to such a parting of ways with my T of so many years.

Well, again I thank the folks who are reading this and taking the time to thoughtfully comment... . Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Keep it coming! 
Logged
Spruce927

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 38


« Reply #4 on: November 24, 2015, 09:56:49 AM »

Hi Only Child,

I know all too well about what you speak of with your mother.  I also strongly believe in the mind-body connection, and know that being around these people can make you physically ill.  You say that you think hypertension (etc) that your father had was caused by her and you are probably right.  I know that when I allowed my mother in my life i had fainting spells, 2 panic attacks (one I was sure I was dying and called an ambulance), and constant colds/flu.  I think the worse though was the fact that I was exhausted constantly.  The emotional fatigue that comes with having a BPD mother is unfathomable. 

My mom, like yours, was demanding of time and all of my emotions.  It felt like she was just vacuuming out all of my energy.  Her anger was toxic, and it never changed.  Removing her from my life was the best thing I ever did. 

However, I know that answer is not for everyone.  Just know-the anger that you feel.  The resentment that you harbor (all for good reasons) goes somewhere.  For me it went to other people around me, and into my body making me sick.  The only way I was able to release that was to release my mother.  Now I feel NO anger (its amazing) and while I sometimes think so many WHY'S, I feel more compassion for her.  When the smoke clears and the toxic environment is removed from your life, that is the only way to heal. 

I send you so much love, and so much understanding.  I'm sorry that other people have to go though this.  Work on yourself and love yourself in a way that BPD mother's cannot. 
Logged
Only Child

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: single
Posts: 48



« Reply #5 on: November 24, 2015, 11:27:39 AM »

Thanks, Spruce927 for your input and sharing your experience.  I understand the need for N/C with a BPD mother, and I have done so throughout my life in bits and spurts.  The last N/C period, which ended last July, was for almost a year.  :)uring that time I was able to become more of who I really am and drop into my real authentic feelings.  But it's complicated now because she's almost 94 with a ton of medical and vision issues, and I'm the only child.  :)uring my N/C with her last year, the freedom I felt began to get clouded over with worry and anxiety about her being elderly and ill (I know, that's FOG, but it's also a real issue with elderly parents when you're the ONLY CHILD).  A lot of my ties with her now are only because I'm the ONLY person in her life that is family or friend.  She has neither.  I can't just let her die on her own, as much as I know she brought this on herself.  When I re-connected with her last July, I actually did feel better about myself in having done so, and I still feel that way, and I'm learning more and more about detachment and how to stand up for myself and work on my own survival/thrival as I try to remain in her life and not take any of her BS.  It's no wonder I have PTSD, I have lived with a terrorist all my life, with no other family support.  It's totally absurd, tragic and ridiculous ... .

Being in contact with my uBPD mom, I realize that I'm in a situation that feels like somewhere between a rock and a hard place with no exit.  It's a very existential experience.  But when I'm in contact with her, I try my best to channel my anger in my art forms (dance and songwriting/guitar playing) and/or using my mind to transcend the bad experience and try to reach higher for the answers as to why I was put in this position--to learn important lessons, and I take a kind of Zen Buddhist, Shamanic approach or spiritual and metaphysical approach to the whole situation.  It takes a lot of guts, that's for sure, and I only have this website to go for help
Logged
ViaCrusis1689

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 47



« Reply #6 on: November 24, 2015, 05:46:08 PM »

I just wanted to say that I understand how you feel. I still live with my parents, my mom is uBPD, due to my own physical disability, and I fight the anger every day. I think, for me at least, this is the toughest cross I bear in life as she is my caregiver, but I just want to distance myself from her. Having to speak and deal with someone I cannot deal with is very challenging. Usually I attempt just to let her go on and bite my tongue, or just not really listen to her.

I'm not sure if I can give you any good advice, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone .
Logged
Only Child

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: single
Posts: 48



« Reply #7 on: November 24, 2015, 09:20:09 PM »

Thanks for reading my post ViaCrusis.  I too am somewhat dependant on my uBPD Mom now, even though she is elderly and I'm 65-1/2.  I have PTSD (which is considered a disability) and I had to quit working full-time almost 6 years ago and take an extra early retirement at age 59.  I cashed in my IRA account to supplement my SSDI benefits and now I'm running low of that money and will definitely have to work by Spring.  I am afraid my PTSD will be a serious deterrent to trying to work, as it has been before, and I've been relying on the good-natured side of my BPD mother who has been helping me out financially a little during this time.  I don't like being dependant upon her for anything.  So I, too, have to learn to bite my tongue sometimes and be grateful for the "good" side of her.  Thanks for reminding me I'm not alone.
Logged
Kwamina
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3535



« Reply #8 on: November 25, 2015, 06:47:15 AM »

Hi Only Child,

The holidays are a stressful time for a lot of us here and dealing with PTSD or cPTSD can be very tough. Perhaps you can benefit from this thread:

Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

I am very sorry you lost your dad at such a young age and that after that your half-brother also left. That really isn't easy for a young child. I have older siblings myself but for many years lived alone with my uBPD mother and that was very tough indeed.

But I still feel anger, and it's turned into a kind of self-hatred because I have so few friends and lack community for a lot of reasons.  When I feel self-hatred and pain, I isolate.

Pete Walker has written extensively about cPTSD and the following words of him come to mind here:

"Cultivate safe relationships and seek support. Take time alone when you need it, but don't let shame isolate you. Feeling shame doesn't mean you are shameful."

These words have helped me and perhaps can also help you heal.

I do try to self-validate my anger, and I believe I have every reason to be angry.  But most people are afraid of it, including, unfortunately, my Therapist of many years, who lately I had to part from because she was too controlling and repressive of my anger, and that was a big deal-breaker.  I needed to get my anger out with her, lay the cards on the table and process it, but whenever it would come out, she would clamp down hard on me and get really controlling and domineering.  This really didn't work for me.  Very frustrating to have come to such a parting of ways with my T of so many years.

Your anger is understandable given what you've been through and are still dealing with. Another thing Pete Walker said might also help you deal with the hurt and anger:

"Allow yourself to grieve. Flashbacks are opportunities to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment, and to validate - and then soothe - the child's past experience of helplessness and hopelessness. Healthy grieving can turn our tears into self-compassion and our anger into self-protection."

Take care and you are indeed not alone
Logged

Oh, give me liberty! For even were paradise my prison, still I should long to leap the crystal walls.
Only Child

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: single
Posts: 48



« Reply #9 on: November 25, 2015, 03:39:31 PM »

Thanks Kwamina for sharing that PTSD article here--I read the whole thing.  I really agree with the part about not letting those shameful feelings allow you to believe you are actually shameful.  I also have many,  many flashbacks-- they happen every time I feel any kind of anger, judgment, rejection, criticism, hostility (overt or covert) and my PTSD issues are triggered and I get angry.  I am very vocal with my anger, unless I think it would make me look bad, then I hold it in, at great pain and expense.  

Often I turn my flashbacks (the more painful, less angry kind), into songs where I can imagine myself transcending the pain and turning into something good, or writing a story in third person and fictionalizing it so that it becomes positively engaging and entertaining.  I also dance to heal my PTSD and walks in nature and living in wide open spaces helps too.  However, those flashbacks never seem to stop having the upper hand on me, and I am still a victim to my PTSD reactions.  Wish I could find a way to heal them forever.  Meditation doesn't work for me, unfortunately, because I'm too kinetic.  This is why I dance, which is a temporary fix at least.

As far as cultivating safe, supportive relationships--I think this is key, but I have zero intimate friends that I can rely on.  I have left many of them long ago as being dysfunctional.  My choices were always very poor judgments on my part, and I ended up letting them all go in my healing process through the years, so I've been trying to start with a clean slate, but I have no friends, and no support and no family that I feel I call upon for help
Logged
Kwamina
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3535



« Reply #10 on: November 27, 2015, 07:38:58 AM »

Hi again Only Child

I also have many,  many flashbacks-- they happen every time I feel any kind of anger, judgment, rejection, criticism, hostility (overt or covert) and my PTSD issues are triggered and I get angry.  I am very vocal with my anger, unless I think it would make me look bad, then I hold it in, at great pain and expense.

Could it be that anger, judgment, rejection, criticism and hostility are exactly the things your mother directed at you? It makes sense that those things would now trigger you so much then.

Often I turn my flashbacks (the more painful, less angry kind), into songs where I can imagine myself transcending the pain and turning into something good, or writing a story in third person and fictionalizing it so that it becomes positively engaging and entertaining.  I also dance to heal my PTSD and walks in nature and living in wide open spaces helps too.  However, those flashbacks never seem to stop having the upper hand on me, and I am still a victim to my PTSD reactions.  Wish I could find a way to heal them forever.  Meditation doesn't work for me, unfortunately, because I'm too kinetic.  This is why I dance, which is a temporary fix at least.

I think it's great that you are at least attempting to find new ways of dealing with your PTSD reactions. Writing songs, stories and dancing really sound like great coping mechanisms Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

As far as meditation, one of our senior members (Harri) once talked about 'walking meditation', perhaps that is something you could try too. Here's some information I found on the internet:

"Walking meditation is a form of meditation in action.

In walking meditation we use the experience of walking as our focus. We become mindful of our experience while walking, and try to keep our awareness involved with the experience of walking.

Obviously, there are some differences between walking meditation and sitting meditation. For one thing we keep our eyes open during walking meditation! That difference implies other changes in the way we do the practice. We are not withdrawing our attention from the outside world to the same extent that we do when we are doing the Mindfulness of Breathing or Metta Bhavana (development of lovingkindness) practices.

We have to be aware of things outside of ourselves (objects we might trip over, other people that we might walk into) and there are many other things outside of ourselves that we will be more aware of than when we are doing sitting – especially if we sit inside. These include the wind, the sun, and the rain; and the sounds of nature and of humans and machines.

But one of the biggest differences is that it’s easier, for most people, to be more intensely and more easily aware of their bodies while doing walking meditation, compared to sitting forms of practice. When your body is in motion, it is generally easier to be aware of it compared to when you are sitting still. When we’re sitting still in meditation the sensations that arise in the body are much more subtle and harder to pay attention to than those that arise while we’re walking, This can make walking meditation an intense experience. You can experience your body very intensely, and you can also find intense enjoyment from this practice.

The practice of walking meditation can also be fitted in to the gaps in our lives quite easily. Even walking from the car into the supermarket can be an opportunity for a minute’s walking meditation.

" -- source: www.wildmind.org/walking/overview


It indeed would be great to heal from these things forever, unfortunately it often doesn't work that way but we can still make progress in our healing though. I again would like to quote Pete Walker here:

"Be patient with a slow recovery process: it takes time in the present to become un-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process (often two steps forward, one step back), not an attained salvation fantasy. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback."

An important aspect of Pete Walker's work is that he talks about management of emotional flashbacks. It might not be able to (completely) heal from your PTSD, but there might be ways to better manage your PTSD reactions allowing your to decrease their intensity, duration and frequency.

As far as cultivating safe, supportive relationships--I think this is key, but I have zero intimate friends that I can rely on.  I have left many of them long ago as being dysfunctional.  My choices were always very poor judgments on my part, and I ended up letting them all go in my healing process through the years, so I've been trying to start with a clean slate, but I have no friends, and no support and no family that I feel I call upon for help

It is tough being in a situation with no real friends that you're close to. However, that you've left friends that were dysfunctional and had a negative influence on you, is something I consider as very positive Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Even if it would mean you have no friends left, I do believe you are much better of alone than in bad company  I say that half jokingly, but at the same time am also very serious. I've also distanced myself from a lot of negative people in my life and the sense of isolation is indeed tough at times, yet I am still glad to have rid myself of their negativity so I could start working on bringing some more positivity in my life.

Fortunately you also have us now and we are here 24/7, 365 days of the year for support and advice! Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged

Oh, give me liberty! For even were paradise my prison, still I should long to leap the crystal walls.
ViaCrusis1689

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 47



« Reply #11 on: November 27, 2015, 03:25:07 PM »

Thanks for reading my post ViaCrusis.  I too am somewhat dependant on my uBPD Mom now, even though she is elderly and I'm 65-1/2.  I have PTSD (which is considered a disability) and I had to quit working full-time almost 6 years ago and take an extra early retirement at age 59.  I cashed in my IRA account to supplement my SSDI benefits and now I'm running low of that money and will definitely have to work by Spring.  I am afraid my PTSD will be a serious deterrent to trying to work, as it has been before, and I've been relying on the good-natured side of my BPD mother who has been helping me out financially a little during this time.  I don't like being dependant upon her for anything.  So I, too, have to learn to bite my tongue sometimes and be grateful for the "good" side of her.  Thanks for reminding me I'm not alone.

I am glad I could be of some help; thanks for the reminder as well that I am not the only one in such a challenging situation. I hope you can find work but I know how challenging the system can be when it comes to disabilities.
Logged
Only Child

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: single
Posts: 48



« Reply #12 on: November 27, 2015, 06:18:21 PM »

thanks again to all of you on this site that replied to my thread.  I survived my Thanksgiving with uBPD mom and there were some rough spots, but better overall than in some Thanksgivings of past history  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Feeling somewhat lonely, and sad right now... .having some flashbacks but also remembering that I no longer have the dysfunctional people (friends, lovers) in my life that caused me so much pain on top of the pain from my FOO so I have a clean slate to start a more positive, healing life  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!