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Author Topic: Wife wants to try again and thinks she has possible DID  (Read 382 times)
wundress
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« on: November 22, 2015, 04:24:20 PM »

This is a rather long and confused post because there are a few things that have cropped up over the weekend. 

So my wife has told me she wants to try again and to put things right with me. This is the first time she has said this since July. She was hugely apologetic and said she is fed up of me having to put up with her behaviour. She has never said these sorts of things to me before so I'm a bit overwhelmed. It's so nice that she actually wants to spend time with me.

She poured her heart out to me yesterday. She told someone else about her past as well which is a massive thing. It seems that she has more and more memories coming through. She also thinks she has multiple personalities as well as BPD because she feels like there are timea when she is being taken over and her true self isn't present. I have wondered for some time if she has DID because there are times when she is angry for weeks on end, times where she is a child, times where she is stressed and dissociates over the slightest thing (and I don't mean just a bit I mean a full blown dissociative episode almost like a fit), she has had psychosis before and has seen her abuser, she has spoken to the counsellor as her 15 year old self, she loses long periods of time and has previously found things amongst her belongings which she couldn't remember buying. She said she thinks she has 10 different versions of herself.  However, I didn't think people with DID could recognise it for themselves?

I think it has helped that I've been doing validation, I've been sticking to my boundaries in terms of the way she speaks to me and I've tried to turn things around so it more on my terms. I expect her to behave as an adult and in return I treat her as an equal with equal decision making power. 

We have talked about the difficulties we might face. We even had several challenges over the weekend but using validation it helped us reach compromises and for the first time in 5 years my wife admitted when she was in the wrong. When she got riled up she seemed much more able to self-sooth and appears to have taught herself some coping techniques.

Next steps are for her to go to counselling which she has decided for herself to do. I want her to work on her self esteem as she keeps putting herself down. I need her to learn to keep promises and to engage brain before making arrangements with others which clash with our plans. I also want her to stop making excuses for herself because whilst she is doing well at self awareness there does seem to a little bit of the victim coming through


She has asked for my help with some things which is nice.

I've been brutally honest with her and said I find it hard to trust her at the moment. Although she says she wants to get back together I pointed out that it has seemed that way in the past and then she has run away again. I said she has really hurt me in recent months, has painted me black, blames me for having my own emotions, takes no responsibility and gives me a really hard time. I said I won't put up with it anymore and if it continues and if I think she isn't trying to help herself I will eventually build up my own barriers towards her and there will be no relationship left.


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Inquisitive1
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« Reply #1 on: November 23, 2015, 11:26:16 AM »

That's a lot. Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is uncommon and controversial, so it is hard to comment on that.

Though the post is long and a bit meandering, I like that it ends with mention of you setting boundaries.

I suggest you really think out your boundaries, make step-by-step plans for how to implement different consequences related to them.  It might be helpful to right about that a bit more.
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ttomsen

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« Reply #2 on: November 23, 2015, 01:42:35 PM »

People with DID can know of different personalities.

i have known people with DID, and they did indeed know their personalities, they all have an internal structure, like a house or a castle, and the alters live in different rooms.

it's real.

You will need to find someone that knows about DID, and knows what fully integrated means. Do not settle for someone with a degree, they must KNOW about DID. Just like BPD. The process can be long, a fractured mind is not easily healed, but with perseverance it's possible. I know one person who did integrate their personalities, and I know a few that did not.

Jesus is the only real solution I have seen to mental illness, take that for what it is. I know it's a hard pill for ppl to swallow. Most ppl dont want to believe there is a God, but we all know deep down that this world, and us are more than some happenstance. I'm not talking religion. Open and free your mind.

Good luck.
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wundress
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« Reply #3 on: November 23, 2015, 02:00:46 PM »

Um... .thanks ttomsen... .I was with you until the jesus part. My wife is a strict atheist and I was raised by a christian and an atheist. Mostly I don't believe but I see why people turn to their gods. I think our therapist knows alot about BPD and did as she has worked with sexual abuse victims for many years and has said she treats clients with both did and BPD.
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formflier
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« Reply #4 on: November 23, 2015, 02:47:51 PM »

  When it is highly likely that there are multiple diagnosis going on, one way to approach this with psychologists and psychiatrists is to "rule out" certain things vice asking them to figure out what is going on and diagnose it.  Basically it means a bunch of testing.  While there will be therapists involved that are working at the direction of psychologists and psychiatrists, I would not let a therapist be the one to try to diagnose and sort all of this out.  This is big time stuff.  Last thought for now:  You said you have noticed good returns with validation and boundaries.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)   Focus your efforts here and let the professionals do the diagnosing.                      

FF
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wundress
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« Reply #5 on: November 24, 2015, 03:20:03 PM »

Unfortunately in our area of the UK mental health services are very poor. In fact one of the GPs my wife recently saw said there was no such thing as BPD and refused to refer her to a psychiatrist. My wife ended up being palmed off with run of the mill anti depressants which I think have made it all worse for her.

She has a psychiatrist appointment after seeing another doctor. An urgent referral which still took 3 weeks to get an actual appointment mind!  Appointments usually only last an hour and it is unlikely there will further appointments for extensive testing. They usually like to get people out of the door as soon as possible!

I highly doubt she will get any diagnosis. The psychiatrists around here are useless and don't seem to want to listen let alone diagnose correctly.

The therapist we have ended up paying for ourselves because the wait on the nhs is about 6 momonths for talking therapy and usually only lasts 6 sessions and even then it isn't regularly and can be weeks between sessions.

All in all I'm feeling a bit hopeless about it. Generally, if a counsellor makes a judgement on whether they think their client has an illness that's usually enough for it to be taken seriously. I happen to think that counsellors are in a better position to make diagnoses than psychiatrists. I mean who would you trust, the person who spends weeks listening to your inner most worries and sees your behaviour on a week to week basis, or someone yohave met once for an hour if you're lucky?
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formflier
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« Reply #6 on: November 24, 2015, 03:25:42 PM »

  OK, I see what you are dealing with.  That sucks.      Well, I think you focus you effort on getting the proper picture to the P that you have an appointment with and hope for the best.  Be prepared to do damage control if they don't pay attention.  Hang in there.                    

FF
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wundress
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« Reply #7 on: November 24, 2015, 03:38:31 PM »

Thanks - am keeping fingers and toes crossed because my wife is already worked up about it. If she doesn't feel she was listened to or doesn't get the results she thinks is right then there is going to be one heck of a storm. Not sure how I will deal with it if it sends her off into another spiral :-(
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babyducks
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« Reply #8 on: November 24, 2015, 06:56:50 PM »

hi wundress,

I don't think I have met you on the boards before so let me say  .

I'm glad to hear that validation has been helping during this stressful time.   Getting a diagnosis and a comfortable treatment plan can often feel like being on tenderhooks.   I would suggest keeping things as small as possible, stressing that this is one step in a long journey and that ups and downs are to be expected.   I know that's not what anyone wants to hear but managing expectations up front might be helpful.

'ducks
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