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Author Topic: Wife is blowing up again  (Read 447 times)
startrekuser
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« on: November 24, 2015, 10:00:02 AM »

Hi,

I haven't been here for a while.  I've had peace in my marriage for almost a year partially because of the help I've gotten from the people on this website.

My wife has always had issues with me b/c the way my family treats her.  There have been issues, and I didn't defend her in the past, but in my opinion, she has blown up these issues WAY out of proportion.  The issues themselves started as perceived slights against her, which were really minor and wouldn't even be noticed as a slight by most people.

I've been having lunch with my father about once per every 2 months over the last year and, in addition, I convinced my wife that it's ok for me to have a phone relationship with my brother.  That was about 6 months ago.  She has essentially withheld any physical relationship from me anyway.  So she heard something from Dr. Laura that sounded similar to our situation and now she's blowing up.  She says I renegged after agreeing to not have a relationship with my brother, completely forgetting that we discussed it and agreed.  She says that if I speak to him, she has to listen in, which I won't agree to.  She's saying that a good husband shouldn't have any relationship with people that don't respect his wife, meaning my brother and maybe my father too.  She's bothered by the lunches we have and is full of anxiety that we are talking about her.   She's also afraid that if I speak to my brother, he will influence me against her. I know this all sounds crazy, but this is my reality and I'm sure some of you have gone through similar situations. 

She's suddenly showing extreme anger and my relative peace has blown up and now I need advice. I feel a bit panicked.  Thanks.
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startrekuser
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« Reply #1 on: November 24, 2015, 10:21:32 AM »

Here's her latest email.  I just received it.  I have no idea what changed when she says "after this".  Maybe that I said I would still speak to my brother on the phone.

There is no way we can ever be intimate after this.  You have proven to me once and for all that there is no way I will ever be the love of your life if you intend on having a relationship with someone who has treated me like <excrement> consistently for years!  Even when you finally stood up to him and told him he'd better change his ways, he laughed in your face and said you were crazy.  So, he made his decision to continue to treat me like <excrement> even though you defended me and YOU Still want to have a relationship!  This boggles my mind and convinces me that I will never feel any emotion towards you besides contempt, resentment, hurt, frustration and anger.  How could I ever feel intimate with a husband who wants a relationship with my tormentor, <my brother>?  He's only had it in for me even though you told him that you want nothing to do with him because he behaved horribly to me.  He told you you're crazy and you still want to have a relationship with such an evil person.  This can only mean one thing - that you accept his disrespectful treatment of me and condone it!  You send the message to him and anyone else who knows our history with him that it's ok to disrespect your wife, try to break up your marriage and you'll be fine with such a person.  That's how little you think of your wife and your message!

This all proves that my feelings will never matter to you the way a husband should treat a wife he loves and cherishes if he has a relationship with someone who treats his wife like  <excrement> without caring how you feel even!

I'm definitely going to find an apartment.  But, I'll spend some time at your house weekly in order to help take care of <our daughter>.  You're on your own for meals, laundry, favors.  You are the friends of my enemy and as such, you are my enemy.

We can co parent <our daughter> until she's 18 (she's 14.5) if that's ok with you and then, our misery will be over and we can never see each other thank God and that day can't come soon enough.
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Chilibean13
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« Reply #2 on: November 24, 2015, 11:51:26 AM »

Do you think she is serious on her threats to leave? Is she capable of even making the plans to go?

It sounds to me like she just wants to know that you are on her side. Can you try to validate her fears of being abandoned and acknowledge the hurt she feels from the past with your family. Once she calms, then talk to her about how it's important to you that you have a relationship with your family. Explain to her how it makes you feel when you don't get to talk to them. But also don't forget to include that she is important to you and that even though you are speaking to your brother and dad that doesn't mean you love her less or choose her less. Maybe the two of you can come up with some boundaries that if your family crosses, you will disengage from the conversation or leave the restaurant.

What is her relationship like with her family? Does she see/talk to them often? If so, ask her how it feels to her when she doesn't get to see them or talk to them. Then if she would miss them, feel sad without hearing from them, etc. relate that back to you feelings the same.
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« Reply #3 on: November 24, 2015, 03:02:46 PM »

Hi,


My wife has always had issues with me b/c the way my family treats her.  There have been issues, and I didn't defend her in the past, but in my opinion, she has blown up these issues WAY out of proportion.  The issues themselves started as perceived slights against her, which were really minor and wouldn't even be noticed as a slight by most people.

I know this all too well.  This has been going on for years with my family.  My wife feels my family does not like her or my stepdaughters and have not accepted them as family.  She acknowledges that they are not mean to the girls but haven't embraced them.  For example, when they were little, nobody ever sent them birthday cards or called them, whereas although rare, our son has received cards on occasion.  She notices how my family supports one another and certain family members attend other members' kids high school graduations but when the girls graduated, nobody came or called.  I told her that I was asked on several occasions what day our youngest daughter was graduating but I never gave a straight answer because with our daughter not doing well in school at the time, we were uncertain she'd graduate.  By the time we were sure, the family had already made plans to attend another family member's graduation which was the same day.  When I explain this to her, she rages and accuses me of trying to defend them.  She gets mad because I haven't shown anger towards my family for treating them this way.  However, I feel I cannot hold them accountable when I never sent out invitations or invited them. 

There are certain family members where her radar is always going because of incidents that happened several years ago.  I spoke with those family members and let it be known not to disrespect her again, although it's debatable whether any disrespect was intended or even occurred.  They felt my wife was taking things the wrong way and claimed to have nothing but love for her and the kids.  My wife still brings up these incidents and other things that I don't see eye to eye with her on about.  Initially I thought she was wrong about my sister because she clearly felt my sister was disrespecting her on purpose because I spoke to my sister and she expressed to me that she liked my wife and meant no harm.  However, I've since found out that my sister does tend to offend people and has some issues I never knew about.  Once I found out, I went to my wife and apologized for not seeing that situation when she explained it to me, which she accepted.  She will not let things go however.  It seems every time she speaks to my aunt, there is something in the conversation that she takes as a slight.  However, she gets mad when I don't see it and always accuses me of loving my "other family" more than the family in our household which bothers me deeply.  My aunt did comment many years ago about her not working or feeling that we would not be struggling if she worked.  Since I checked her, she has never said anything like that again.  I don't even feel comfortable talking to her about anybody in my family because often times the conversation turns negative.  It makes me feel like she's trying to isolate me from my family.  She talks to her family way more than I talk to mine.  She refuses to attend any family reunions or other family events.  Even when she goes, she stays in the hotel, causing me to have to make excuses for why she didn't come visit.  She randomly insults my family to me, attacking their character as well as mine, often out of the blue and I don't speak up because she will explode saying I'm defending them. 
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« Reply #4 on: November 24, 2015, 03:10:25 PM »

Uggh.  And once again, someone posts something that I can closely relate to. 

My thoughts - you are allowed to have relationships with your family members if you want to.  THAT IS NONE OF HER BUSINESS. 

It's the same with my wife.  She will perceive some slight from a family member or friend, and then dump it on me for not defending her.  Reality?  I didn't even notice the slight (but if I point that out, she will feel invalidated and get even more upset).  And even if I did notice, is it really my job to defend her? 

The reality is this is about her, and has little or nothing to do with the relationships you have with family members.  She's trying to isolate you, and the more you isolate, the more miserable you will be.  Be careful.
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startrekuser
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« Reply #5 on: November 24, 2015, 03:39:47 PM »

Uggh.  And once again, someone posts something that I can closely relate to. 

My thoughts - you are allowed to have relationships with your family members if you want to.  THAT IS NONE OF HER BUSINESS. 

It's the same with my wife.  She will perceive some slight from a family member or friend, and then dump it on me for not defending her.  Reality?  I didn't even notice the slight (but if I point that out, she will feel invalidated and get even more upset).  And even if I did notice, is it really my job to defend her? 

The reality is this is about her, and has little or nothing to do with the relationships you have with family members.  She's trying to isolate you, and the more you isolate, the more miserable you will be.  Be careful.

Are you married to my wife?  What you said sounds EXACTLY like my wife.  I've been through this before.  I let myself be isolated, was not happy about it, and NOTHING changed.  So her dream of having my family out of her life and everything becoming good is nonsense.  I realize that.
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startrekuser
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« Reply #6 on: November 24, 2015, 03:49:51 PM »

Uggh.  And once again, someone posts something that I can closely relate to.  

My thoughts - you are allowed to have relationships with your family members if you want to.  THAT IS NONE OF HER BUSINESS.  

It's the same with my wife.  She will perceive some slight from a family member or friend, and then dump it on me for not defending her.  Reality?  I didn't even notice the slight (but if I point that out, she will feel invalidated and get even more upset).  And even if I did notice, is it really my job to defend her?  

The reality is this is about her, and has little or nothing to do with the relationships you have with family members.  She's trying to isolate you, and the more you isolate, the more miserable you will be.  Be careful.

My wife avoids enjoyable events on the chance that a person that upset her once may be there.  The types of things that upsets her:  the person she was talking to suddenly looked away and started talking to someone else.  Anyone that asks her to do something out of the blue.  Any assertive person scares her.  Someone that she's met before doesn't say hello to her.  There's more that I can't think of right now.  When one of these slights happens, she says it takes her weeks to recover.
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« Reply #7 on: November 24, 2015, 05:07:19 PM »

We are in a similar situation.  We are totally NC with his PD wife.  My brother, with the help of his counselor and their MC made a deal that is still standing after several years.  He is free to talk to and visit with his side of the family and she is free to talk to and visit with her side of the family.  He is totally NC with her family and she is totally NC with us.  He does not say anything against her family and does not hear anything against us either. Neither side of the family members visit their house.  They are free to visit their own family members anytime. 

This uneasy truce has held--

Perhaps something like this can work for you both.
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« Reply #8 on: November 24, 2015, 05:16:33 PM »

while her feelings are very real to her, the argument she is presenting is a no win,  I would suggest you not take the bait.  

I honestly wish I had a nickel for every time I read a post about a wife/husband insisting the in-laws are the enemy, mean, or treating them poorly.   sometimes I think it's the second symptom of BPD.   right after fear of abandonment , comes the irrational fear that there isn't enough of 'the object of affection' to go around.  anything that removes your attention from them is highly dangerous and must be eliminated.

Max is right.  Have the relationship you want with your family.  Your wife doesn't get to make those decisions for you.   You can validate that it's difficult for her.   You can validate that it feels uncomfortable.    You can reassure her that your brother won't influence you.   You can tell her that she is not the topic of conversation and that she only comes up in the most general of ways.  

It's difficult to stay calm in the face of a barrage of negative emotion but reacting to her emotional storm only adds fuel to the fire.



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« Reply #9 on: November 24, 2015, 06:49:23 PM »

I have a slightly different variation on this theme. My husband seems upset if I have any kind of pleasant exchange with his sisters. And like so many of your SOs, he gets his feelings hurt over things I don't see. His oldest sister is coming to visit us over the holidays, and he's totally stressed about this. So I'm going to be prepared for him to feel like she and I are "ganging up" on him. So weird... .
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« Reply #10 on: November 24, 2015, 07:56:02 PM »

while her feelings are very real to her, the argument she is presenting is a no win,  I would suggest you not take the bait.   

I honestly wish I had a nickel for every time I read a post about a wife/husband insisting the in-laws are the enemy, mean, or treating them poorly.   sometimes I think it's the second symptom of BPD.   right after fear of abandonment , comes the irrational fear that there isn't enough of 'the object of affection' to go around.  anything that removes your attention from them is highly dangerous and must be eliminated.

Max is right.  Have the relationship you want with your family.  Your wife doesn't get to make those decisions for you.   You can validate that it's difficult for her.   You can validate that it feels uncomfortable.    You can reassure her that your brother won't influence you.   You can tell her that she is not the topic of conversation and that she only comes up in the most general of ways. 

It's difficult to stay calm in the face of a barrage of negative emotion but reacting to her emotional storm only adds fuel to the fire.


There were times when I thought my in-laws treated me badly and even times when I thought my wife and mother or father were ganging up on me.  I didn't make an issue of it though in order to preserve peace.  If it was a regular occurrence and was really bad, then I would have no choice.  The BPD is ultra-sensitive to begin with.
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« Reply #11 on: November 25, 2015, 05:53:06 AM »

  The big theory here is to validate her emotions and put the action items to "fixing" or "addressing" those emotions on her.  She won't like that.  Be prepared to validate that as well.  The good thing for you is that you have seen/experienced that you have "done her plan" and it didn't work.                    

FF
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« Reply #12 on: November 25, 2015, 07:48:19 AM »

pwBPD tend to have low self esteem and feel they are not "good enough" for their spouse. Keeping in mind they will alter facts to match their feelings, it is easy to see why they turn on the SO's family. They need to project those feelings onto others so as to justify them, and that is the natural target. Even a small, unintended slight is a cherished treasure to the pwBPD. It is something they can use to justify their feelings of not being "good enough".

That is my take on why it happens, at least in my situation. The only solution I see is for the pwBPD to get past their low self esteem issues and understand that they are, indeed, "good enough" for their spouse. This is a big undertaking by a T who will earn their money.    
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startrekuser
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« Reply #13 on: November 25, 2015, 09:06:55 AM »

pwBPD tend to have low self esteem and feel they are not "good enough" for their spouse. Keeping in mind they will alter facts to match their feelings, it is easy to see why they turn on the SO's family. They need to project those feelings onto others so as to justify them, and that is the natural target. Even a small, unintended slight is a cherished treasure to the pwBPD. It is something they can use to justify their feelings of not being "good enough".

That is my take on why it happens, at least in my situation. The only solution I see is for the pwBPD to get past their low self esteem issues and understand that they are, indeed, "good enough" for their spouse. This is a big undertaking by a T who will earn their money.    

Yes, I agree with this.  My wife has very low self esteem.  Although what you say doesn't seem to make sense, for a pwBPD, this is their reality, although totally distorted.  They can't face themselves and thus, can't take responsibility for their feelings.
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« Reply #14 on: November 25, 2015, 09:33:38 AM »

pwBPD tend to have low self esteem and feel they are not "good enough" for their spouse. Keeping in mind they will alter facts to match their feelings, it is easy to see why they turn on the SO's family. They need to project those feelings onto others so as to justify them, and that is the natural target. Even a small, unintended slight is a cherished treasure to the pwBPD. It is something they can use to justify their feelings of not being "good enough".

That is my take on why it happens, at least in my situation. The only solution I see is for the pwBPD to get past their low self esteem issues and understand that they are, indeed, "good enough" for their spouse. This is a big undertaking by a T who will earn their money.    

Well said Cole. I wish I would've known this about my wife early in our marriage.

My wife is very good looking, portrays confidence and is one of the smartest people I know. I interpreted her tone, attitude and comments as cocky and at times I felt she was full of herself. When she would hurt or upset me, I told her she was stuck up and to get off her pedestal (I know, no validation here). I never for a second thought she had low self esteem. I was confused because she represented one thing, but told me another. She constantly asks me what I see in her, why I married her, and tells me that I don't love her. When she's dysregulated, she gets really upset at me for pretending to love her and asking her to marry me.
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« Reply #15 on: November 25, 2015, 10:13:45 AM »

My wife is very good looking, portrays confidence and is one of the smartest people I know. I interpreted her tone, attitude and comments as cocky and at times I felt she was full of herself. When she would hurt or upset me, I told her she was stuck up and to get off her pedestal (I know, no validation here). I never for a second thought she had low self esteem.

I was amazed to discover that my husband also suffers from low self esteem. He's extremely attractive, Ivy League educated, had a career as a civil lawyer, is brilliantly articulate and incredibly intelligent. What he also had was a vicious narcissistic father. If I hadn't met the old man, I never would have believed he was as bad as my husband portrayed him.
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« Reply #16 on: November 25, 2015, 10:46:08 AM »

My wife is very good looking, portrays confidence and is one of the smartest people I know. I interpreted her tone, attitude and comments as cocky and at times I felt she was full of herself. When she would hurt or upset me, I told her she was stuck up and to get off her pedestal (I know, no validation here). I never for a second thought she had low self esteem.

I was amazed to discover that my husband also suffers from low self esteem. He's extremely attractive, Ivy League educated, had a career as a civil lawyer, is brilliantly articulate and incredibly intelligent. What he also had was a vicious narcissistic father. If I hadn't met the old man, I never would have believed he was as bad as my husband portrayed him.

Similar situation here. My wife is incredibly attractive, smart, educated, and outgoing. MIL's favorite hobby since W was a teen has been to build her up so she can tear her down. FIL stood by and did nothing to stop the emotional abuse. 
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startrekuser
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« Reply #17 on: November 25, 2015, 11:54:16 AM »

My wife is very good looking, portrays confidence and is one of the smartest people I know. I interpreted her tone, attitude and comments as cocky and at times I felt she was full of herself. When she would hurt or upset me, I told her she was stuck up and to get off her pedestal (I know, no validation here). I never for a second thought she had low self esteem.

I was amazed to discover that my husband also suffers from low self esteem. He's extremely attractive, Ivy League educated, had a career as a civil lawyer, is brilliantly articulate and incredibly intelligent. What he also had was a vicious narcissistic father. If I hadn't met the old man, I never would have believed he was as bad as my husband portrayed him.

Similar situation here. My wife is incredibly attractive, smart, educated, and outgoing. MIL's favorite hobby since W was a teen has been to build her up so she can tear her down. FIL stood by and did nothing to stop the emotional abuse.  

What do you think her FIL should have done.  My wife can be very harshly critical of our daughter.  My daughter is very bright and does well in school.  She'll get a 93 on an exam and my W criticizes her for not studying enough or whatever.  I'm not sure how to handle it.  Thanks.
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« Reply #18 on: November 25, 2015, 12:12:27 PM »

Uggh.  And once again, someone posts something that I can closely relate to.  

My thoughts - you are allowed to have relationships with your family members if you want to.  THAT IS NONE OF HER BUSINESS.  

It's the same with my wife.  She will perceive some slight from a family member or friend, and then dump it on me for not defending her.  Reality?  I didn't even notice the slight (but if I point that out, she will feel invalidated and get even more upset).  And even if I did notice, is it really my job to defend her?  

The reality is this is about her, and has little or nothing to do with the relationships you have with family members.  She's trying to isolate you, and the more you isolate, the more miserable you will be.  Be careful.

This ^^^!

I won't go into the specifics of my story here, but my wife does the exact same things. She always has some sort of drama going on with one or more of my close friends or family members at any given time. It's usually over some perceived slight or insult that they made toward her that never really happened. It's never ending.

I agree that it's her way of trying to pull you away from your family and isolate you. I've had to take a stand in my relationship with my wife when it comes to my other personal relationships. The fact is, none of them are a threat to our relationship in any way... .SHE is the biggest threat to our relationship.
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« Reply #19 on: November 25, 2015, 01:15:59 PM »

Uggh.  And once again, someone posts something that I can closely relate to. 

My thoughts - you are allowed to have relationships with your family members if you want to.  THAT IS NONE OF HER BUSINESS. 

It's the same with my wife.  She will perceive some slight from a family member or friend, and then dump it on me for not defending her.  Reality?  I didn't even notice the slight (but if I point that out, she will feel invalidated and get even more upset).  And even if I did notice, is it really my job to defend her? 

The reality is this is about her, and has little or nothing to do with the relationships you have with family members.  She's trying to isolate you, and the more you isolate, the more miserable you will be.  Be careful.

This ^^^!

I won't go into the specifics of my story here, but my wife does the exact same things. She always has some sort of drama going on with one or more of my close friends or family members at any given time. It's usually over some perceived slight or insult that they made toward her that never really happened. It's never ending.

I agree that it's her way of trying to pull you away from your family and isolate you. I've had to take a stand in my relationship with my wife when it comes to my other personal relationships. The fact is, none of them are a threat to our relationship in any way... .SHE is the biggest threat to our relationship.

LOL! My thoughts exactly!  My wife is the biggest threat to our relationship, not my family.  It would be funny if it was on a sitcom, but it's my life.  She goes on and on and on about how they will influence me and they want us to get divorced and on and on and on... .If she would just SHUT UP, which won't happen b/c of her condition, everything would be fine.
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« Reply #20 on: November 25, 2015, 02:34:52 PM »

My wife is very good looking, portrays confidence and is one of the smartest people I know. I interpreted her tone, attitude and comments as cocky and at times I felt she was full of herself. When she would hurt or upset me, I told her she was stuck up and to get off her pedestal (I know, no validation here). I never for a second thought she had low self esteem.

I was amazed to discover that my husband also suffers from low self esteem. He's extremely attractive, Ivy League educated, had a career as a civil lawyer, is brilliantly articulate and incredibly intelligent. What he also had was a vicious narcissistic father. If I hadn't met the old man, I never would have believed he was as bad as my husband portrayed him.

Similar situation here. My wife is incredibly attractive, smart, educated, and outgoing. MIL's favorite hobby since W was a teen has been to build her up so she can tear her down. FIL stood by and did nothing to stop the emotional abuse.  

What do you think her FIL should have done.  My wife can be very harshly critical of our daughter.  My daughter is very bright and does well in school.  She'll get a 93 on an exam and my W criticizes her for not studying enough or whatever.  I'm not sure how to handle it.  Thanks.

He should have stood up for his daughter, but he would not do that. MIL chased off his entire family early in the marriage, so he had no one but her.

My wife has been like that with our kids a few times. Some times she catches herself and stops, because she does not want to be like MIL. Other times I have to put a stop to it. She gets mad when I do, but apologizes to me and the kids after she calms down.

Live long and prosper.
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