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Author Topic: Need a bit of support: He blocked me from messaging me again.  (Read 822 times)
misuniadziubek
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« on: November 24, 2015, 03:40:17 PM »

This person is not taking messages from you - My BPDbf learned how to turn off chat with me last week when he was going through a toothache and didn't want to be bothered by me asking what's going on.


He asked me if I was doing anything on Thursday (Thanksgiving) and I told him that not as far as I knew.

But I came home and saw on my calendar that my younger brother's psychological pre-assesment is that day at 1:30 pm. I told the counselor that I would take him to it because unlike my parents, I speak English really well and am better at answering their questions.

Today he messages me to ask again if I'm free on Thursday and I tell him, no, I have to go to take my brother to that assessment.

Excerpt
Me: I'm sorry hon, I'm free after 3 though.

BF:well it's just shi*ty that i ASKED you already what you were doing on thanksgiving and you said nothing. fu*k it

I've got sh** to do anyways

Me: I also thought we could do things in the evening love.

BF: K. well i assumed you werent retarded and assumed sh** all the time when it's convenient

but we were apparently both wrong thanks to assumption

And blocked.

And honestly, I can't help how I react to that. Getting blocked triggers feelings of abandonment in me. I get really upset every single time. And I don't know how to stop experiencing such a horrible pain every time he does it.

I'm not sure how to enact boundaries here. I don't want to 'punish' him but I'm feeling too attached to his behavior here. I'm not sure how to go forward.
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hellosun
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« Reply #1 on: November 24, 2015, 05:33:26 PM »

I can't help but think he saved you the trouble of walking away, by doing it first. He was speaking to you in an abusive manner, and that is unacceptable.

When my husband used to block me, every time he was really upset and needed time alone to calm down.

Maybe when your boyfriend has relaxed and is ready to talk to you again, you can use S.E.T. to comunicate with him about how you feel when he blocks you on chat, and suggest an alternative course of action? I requested my husband communicate using worlds that he needs time alone to calm down. He agreed, and with a bit of practice he got to the point where he stopped reacting with silent-treatment/hanging up the phone/blocking/etc.
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misuniadziubek
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« Reply #2 on: November 24, 2015, 06:09:11 PM »

I can't help but think he saved you the trouble of walking away, by doing it first. He was speaking to you in an abusive manner, and that is unacceptable.

When my husband used to block me, every time he was really upset and needed time alone to calm down.

Maybe when your boyfriend has relaxed and is ready to talk to you again, you can use S.E.T. to comunicate with him about how you feel when he blocks you on chat, and suggest an alternative course of action? I requested my husband communicate using worlds that he needs time alone to calm down. He agreed, and with a bit of practice he got to the point where he stopped reacting with silent-treatment/hanging up the phone/blocking/etc.

It's what I thought. And yes. He was speaking to me in an abusive manner. I think I need to work on walking away from that more often. I tried to explain to him last week how painful it is for me when he blocks me. He simply responded with 'well now you know the pain I feel because of your actions.'

I explained to him that it's the worst possible way to address things, that it's much more effective to simply tell me he needs time.

I don't know.
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babyducks
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« Reply #3 on: November 24, 2015, 06:40:46 PM »

Hi misuniadziubek,

hmmm,  when asked you told him not as far as you knew and when you got home and saw your calendar you realized the appointment.   So you answered, fairly, truthfully and within in the limits of your knowledge?

hellosun is right, that exchange was verbally abusive and being blocked is a form of silent treatment which is also abusive.

Excerpt
Verbal abuse, in general, is a means of maintaining control and Power Over. Verbal abuse is a violation, not a conflict. In describing verbal abuse it is a boundary violation, it is an intrusion upon another, or disregard of another in a relentless pursuit of Power Over, superiority and dominance by covert or overt means.

Silence a.k.a. Withholding is the most damaging and hurtful form of verbal abuse. One might think that in order for the behavior to be considered verbal abusive words need to be spoken. This misunderstanding of verbal abuse adds to the recipient’s confusion within the relationship. The recipient of silence/withholding may believe the relationship is functional because the abuser may communicate functional information, but refuses—through silence/ withholding (non-responsive)—to communicate on an intimate level.

the quote is from this  link.   I'm guessing you have already seen that thread but I'll post it for others.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse.

I like the idea of establishing a boundary.   a boundary that name calling is not okay and that blocking is not okay sounds like a place to start.  what do you think?

ducks
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« Reply #4 on: November 24, 2015, 06:40:53 PM »

  I explained to him  

                    Remember, "explaining" r/s issues rarely goes well.   Try to avoid JADE.  If you have to explain, do it once and move along.  The vibe I got from this is that your explanation handed him a weapon he can use to "show you".  My suggestions is to enact a boundary about abusive communication much, much earlier.  Last thought, he is on the right track.  He realizes that he shouldn't be talking to you but is going about it in an odd way.  It's actually a bit of a good sign.                    

FF
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formflier
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« Reply #5 on: November 24, 2015, 06:43:40 PM »

  Just read ducks post.  If you have limited energy to deal with all the suggestions we are tossing out, please focus on boundaries around verbal abuse.  How do you think you can "tighten up" your boundaries on that?                    

FF
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misuniadziubek
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« Reply #6 on: November 24, 2015, 07:22:29 PM »

I explained to him  

Remember... ."explaining" r/s issues rarely goes well.   Try to avoid JADE.  If you have to explain, do it once and move along.

The vibe I got from this is that your explanation handed him a weapon he can use to "show you".

My suggestions is to enact a boundary about abusive communication much... .much earlier.

Last thought, he is on the right track.  He realizes that he shouldn't be talking to you but is going about it in an odd way.

It's actually a bit of a good sign.

FF

I don't think that my description of my feelings is considered JADE-ing when it is in a normal conversation, rather than as a defense when he dysregulating.

I described how it affects me, but I didn't really talk about the alternative ways he could handle it. It's both positive and negative that he decided to stop talking to me.

Hi misuniadziubek,

hmmm,  when asked you told him not as far as you knew and when you got home and saw your calendar you realized the appointment.   So you answered, fairly, truthfully and within in the limits of your knowledge?

hellosun is right, that exchange was verbally abusive and being blocked is a form of silent treatment which is also abusive.


I like the idea of establishing a boundary.   a boundary that name calling is not okay and that blocking is not okay sounds like a place to start.  what do you think?

ducks

I read the linked stuff about it before yes. I did tell him everything to the best of my knowledge.

I now also realise that he is working that night, so it wouldn't be realistic to see each other.

Perhaps from now on I'm going to refuse to get into a conversation with him if he uses abusive language. I really feel like I'm dating a two-year-old today with these random tantrums.

Thanks for the response Smiling (click to insert in post)
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misuniadziubek
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« Reply #7 on: November 25, 2015, 12:41:56 AM »

He's now telling me that he doesn't know where we are at.

I asked what he meant and got this message in response:

Excerpt
Well I mean we can't see each other hardly ever.  You went and made my roommate hate you so that's a stressful bridge if I ever even want you here,  you knew it was already rocky and you did this anyways.  You never come up for any family gatherings and most of my family assumes were broken up by now. This is basically just a breakup on pause.

This is the first time I've heard about any family gatherings. I haven't seen his family in a month since we were taking apart a car in his mom's driveway. He hasn't mentioned anything, until this moment.

I hate him so much right now. He's putting me through cr*p over something I can't do anything about. He knew about this the moment he asked me during the weekend, but chose not to say anything. I thought it was just going to be us hanging out. I didn't know he wanted to go to dinner at his family's.

He never comes for any of my family gatherings.
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formflier
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« Reply #8 on: November 25, 2015, 05:34:51 AM »

  Think about expressing what you need as a value that you will take action on.  Refrain from telling him things that "hurt you".  It's like handing a pwBPD traits a weapon and asking them to promise not to use it when they are upset.  When they are upset they can't help themselves.  Now since they know you "can't stand it" (or something like that) when they do x, guess what they do?  If you can flip it around and let them know that if you want to be in a r/s with me, have a conversation with me, etc etc my values require that I only have conversations with people that talk respectfully to me, it leaves the action in their corner.  Gives them choices and you get to express your values.  How does that sound?  The stuff about family gatherings is an invitation to fight.                    

FF
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SummerStorm
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« Reply #9 on: November 25, 2015, 12:58:15 PM »

Getting blocked on anything definitely hurts so much, and I can definitely relate to how it can trigger abandonment fears within us.  My pwBPD blocked my calls, and I'm pretty sure she also blocked my texts, which makes me very upset. 

I agree with other posters who mentioned establishing boundaries related to verbal abuse and the silent treatment.  This is something I wish I'd done when I was in contact with my pwBPD. 
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misuniadziubek
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« Reply #10 on: November 25, 2015, 05:00:02 PM »

Getting blocked on anything definitely hurts so much, and I can definitely relate to how it can trigger abandonment fears within us.  My pwBPD blocked my calls, and I'm pretty sure she also blocked my texts, which makes me very upset. 

I agree with other posters who mentioned establishing boundaries related to verbal abuse and the silent treatment.  This is something I wish I'd done when I was in contact with my pwBPD. 

I'm not sure how much further I can go with this. He's not speaking to me today, ignoring my messages because I can't go to Thanksgiving with him and so he's not going to go because he doesn't want to put up with people asking why I'm not there.

It's frustrating because I have to take care of myself. I don't have the energy to deal with his tantrums. I spent last weekend taking care of him and taking him to the emergency department for his dental issues. I'm kind of done. I don't let my family run all over me anymore.but when I make a commitment. I keep it.
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arvigomama

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« Reply #11 on: November 26, 2015, 09:45:33 AM »

The abandonment part is tough for me too, as I have childhood abandonment issues.  My DH will literally go up to 24 hours with no contact even when we live in the same house.

I fill up that "free" time with live-giving activities.  I write, read, watch standup comedy, visit friends, etc.  I basically allow myself to do the things DH would normally get mad about.  I go on this board a lot when I'm getting the silent treatment.  That's why you'll see a dozen posts from me in a day, and then no activity for a long time, haha.

You did nothing wrong and I think you handled this well by being neutral.  You didn't try to convince him of anything, nor did you punish him for having a tantrum.
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misuniadziubek
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« Reply #12 on: November 26, 2015, 10:39:12 AM »

In the end, I let him spend the day not talking to me, despite how difficult it was for me. Definitely didn't give in, or try to convince him to see things differently. Just simply gave him space, while implying that he could talk to me whenever he's ready. All I got back was a 'hmm' so I let it go and spent the day seeking company elsewhere.

At 3am I woke up and sent him a text saying it makes me sad to wake up in the middle of the night without him. He wrote me back a message that's part of our private joke. That was a really good sign. When talking isn't much of an option or too difficult or he wants to tell me he misses me even if he's angry, he uses silly banter to reach out and express his desire to feel close and connected.

He experienced a lot of disappointment and it takes him time to process that disappointment before I stop being the bad guy.

Nevertheless, this silent treatment was still very hard on me. My codependent reflexes came roaring back and I wanted so badly to appease him and make things okay. It's unrealistic. My brothers psych consults are something I took responsibility for months ago. I can't flake out just because my partner has a tantrum. It's unfortunate it ended up being on American Thanksgiving. Had I realised it at the time, I would have asked to schedule it on a different day.
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babyducks
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« Reply #13 on: November 26, 2015, 11:39:14 AM »

, this silent treatment was still very hard on me. My codependent reflexes came roaring back and I wanted so badly to appease him and make things okay. It's unrealistic.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  here is hoping it will get easier with practice.
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arvigomama

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« Reply #14 on: November 26, 2015, 11:53:33 AM »

Your awareness on your existing co-dependency and abandonment issues will go a long way, so keep it up.

I am learning that BPD marriage is survivable IF AND ONLY IF the non-BPD has an adequate reserve of self-esteem.  I don't tie up my value in my husband's opinion of me, and I like myself with or without his approval.

Interestingly, and I don't know if others on this board can say this, but I really feel that I'm a "recovered" BPD person.  Marriage with my husband is God's way of having a sense of humor, and showing me the exact behaviors my former partners went through.  I used to be needy, clingy and difficult.  Now the shoe is on the other foot.

When I disengage and live a happy life in spite of his tantrums, my husband HATES it. And I don't blame him.  Seeing my partners being unaffected by my emotional breakdowns convinced me that they didn't care about me, and that because they weren't exhausting themselves playing therapist with me, I wasn't loved.

After a 16 hour episode with DH that resulted in many hateful insults, I sweetly asked him for a cup of coffee this morning after he ignored me all night.  He knows I love his coffee.  He brought it to me and I acted very excited and gracious.  I wished him a happy Thanksgiving and he gave me a huge bear hug.  Then I proceeded to flirt with him and he snapped out of his crazy abusiveness.  Last night was tough on him because I refused to give into his demands and he had no clue what to do.

If I had codependency and self esteem issues, I would have demanded an explanation/apology/promise it won't happen again, etc.  But I didn't address it.  Things are good now, until the next episode.  But I'm off the hook for drama for at least a few days.   
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shatra
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« Reply #15 on: November 26, 2015, 06:00:06 PM »

mis wrote

He never comes for any of my family gatherings.

----His text sounds like he feels abandoned since you don't go spend time with his family.  What is the reason he does not come for any of your family gatherings?
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misuniadziubek
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« Reply #16 on: November 26, 2015, 06:04:26 PM »

mis wrote

He never comes for any of my family gatherings.

----His text sounds like he feels abandoned since you don't go spend time with his family.  What is the reason he does not come for any of your family gatherings?

I come from a super cultural eastern european family and he feels uncomfortable because everyone speaks a foreign lanugage. He has been to christmas at my house before but someone pointed out his fingernails were dirty or something so he's decided he doesn't want to be around 'judgmental' people.

If I could talk to him, talk him through those feelings, but he's entirely blocked me from talkng to him. There's so little I can do now.
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misuniadziubek
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« Reply #17 on: November 26, 2015, 11:30:38 PM »

Strangely enough, when we got to talking, he admitted that he didn't remember any of our holidays together and that it 'felt' like I always disappointing him every holiday, that last thanksgiving was terrible too.

I pointed out that last Thanksgiving was great. We spent all day together, went out shopping afterwards and then went to his friends place and spent all night drinking.

He says that his memory is really weird and he doesn't remember big things that he should.

It makes sense why he got so angry with me. He kind of regressed back to a couple months ago.

I don't know if anything will change. I don't know. I'm exhausted for now. Gonna take a bit of a break. Maybe from him. I don't know.
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