I'm Lost

[FlyFish]

I'm Lost

New to this board but have read oh so much about BPD and what I may be going through at the moment. Everyone helping on here is great, truly great. Lost the love of my life 2 months ago. I truly loved her as many of you can relate. It's the day before thanksgiving and I just miss her. Me and her were meant to be together (I still feel this way. I know, false hope). She left me like so many others I see on here. The last words she told me were "you are beautiful, you are perfect, but you have to let me go". Almost a two year promising and beautiful relationship let go by a phone call. Wtf? A phone call, really? And I now have reason to believe she is back with her alcoholic ex (alcoholism is confirmed by more persons than herself btw). She swore to me that she was over (many times) cause believe me I did my due diligence in inquiring but had no reason to not believe her at the time. I was Head over heals. Yes probably codependent. How did it come to this? How was I so lacking even though I gave up the world for her? Can't find understanding? Trying to put together the pieces in my mind. I feel so broken and I have always been strong in mind (at least I thought).

She was the waif BPD I suppose... .Never outwardly aggressive but definitely was hiding something the whole time which I could never put my finger on. Walking on eggshells all the time in the end. I deeply sensed that something was off from the beginning. But woe is me I kept pushing and giving up more. Lost myself. Yep that happened. Now I think I figured it out and that helps but it still hurts. A deep pain that l have never felt before.

Searching for answers on the interwebs and came across BPD. Never heard of it until a month ago. but it answers a lot. It's the only thing I can think of anymore. And even though I am not trained in diagnosing I truly believe she was afflicted by this. Questioning whether she still is BPD is still bugging me. I was her "white knight". She even stated this. Went through two recycles. Didn't know what it was at the time. Push/pull for more of our relationship than not. I always looked at myself as the cause but I know better now. Disassociation and extreme paranoia although subtle which she admitted to me. She actually told me she had never told anyone about that side of herself and I a truly believe it and still do. She had out of body experiences as she described it and I was witness to them. All I could do was hold her.

She broke it off for the 3rd time now. And this time seemed different if you know what I mean? I'm 2 months NC after I called her in sadness (stupid me... .Stupid stupid me) after two weeks. Did she even love me after so much we have been through together? Does she ever think of me? Did the last two years mean anything to her?

I say 2 months NC but I have truly wanted to tell her and write her many times. Anger lots of it and I am not a naturally angry person. My therapist even says I should be more angry. Confusion?... So much of it. Looking for answers... .Always. Forgiveness? (Now that I know what she is going through)... Eventually? Has anyone had luck in writing to their exBPDgf or bf? We have always written letters to each other but this time feels so much different. More finite. Don't know what to think. I want her back but I know I shouldn't and my therapist said I should absolutely have NC with her in any form and actually recommended I start dating new girls again. Can't possibly think about being with someone else right now. She was my love.

Anyway once again thanks for the advise and insight. Have been reading a lot and will continue to do so. Have a lot more to tell about my r/s if it will help anyone but this is getting long. I'm just so truly overwhelmed and hurt. Thanks in advance for the replies.

To quote some Bobby D:

"So it ain't no use in calling out my name, gal

            Like you never done before

And it ain't no use in calling out my name, gal

              I can't hear you anymore

I'm a-thinking and a-wandering walking down that road

          I once love a women, a child I'm told

     I gave her my heart but she wanted my soul

              But don't think twice its alright

         So long honey, babe

       Where I'm bound I can't tell

  Goodbye is too good of word, babe

        So I'll just say fare thee well

     I ain't a-saying you treated me unkind

You could have done better but I don't mind

    You just kinda wasted my precious time

         But don't think twice it's alright"

Stay strong everyone

[lovenature]

It's normal for you to feel the way you do. You may want to look at why you accepted what you did and why you stayed as long as you did before getting into another relationship; I am co-dependent and stayed far longer, and accepted way more than I should have due to the power of the fixer/rescuer-needy/victim dynamic, and I know I am not ready for another relationship until I have healed from my relationship with my uBPDexgf.

Feelings=facts to a pwBPD; they make up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment, from my experience it doesn't matter what you say or do to try and get them to see actual reality. Sadly, the closer you get and the more you love them, the more they push you away; unless they choose to get the help they need and commit to it, NC is the best for both partners.

I know how hard it is, remember that going back only leads to more pain, look after yourself.

[Conundrum]

Hey, I can feel your pain it's palpable. We all know it's the worst feeling in the world. The people here can relate, when you lose that uber special someone. The thing is she's prolly compartmentalizing needs, the good girl/bad girl in elaborately fractured ways, n there isn't anything under the sun that you can do about that. The alcoholic ex comes after the engulfment to the white knight. That's just the way she rolls--fractured.

If you desire maximizing(?) your chances then don't chase. Stay confident, cool, charming, funny and emotionally stoic. Being needy n weak will sink you. Unfortunately, this is going to have to run its course w her until, she hits whatever is her rock bottom. For now it's immediate gratification. If you become a participant in her triangle you're just going to validate her game, extend the cycle n minimize your chances (assuming you still want something?). For now, you have to let her go. She's gone girl anyway, n a letter is as useless as spitting in the wind.

Regardless, it'll be a long haul, she'll need to gain self awareness n integrate her fractured self. That takes hard work n professional assistance. You'll know that's the case when fractured needs are harmonized, aka authenticity. She has to want that for herself, more than any attachment. If you're a young fellah looking for stability n marriage etc., seriously consider whether this path is in your best interest (despite your feelings). Find your mission in life, and if at some point the fates ever align for you two again, you'll see that you might want her but you definitely won't need her. Meanwhile, be all that you can be in this life. Keep on posting. Theres' a wealth of assitance here. My apologies for the short hand but typing on a little phn screen.

[C.Stein]

FlyFish,

You could be talking about my ex it is so close to what I experienced, both with her and myself.  Also two years and I fell apart two months after the final discard.  It is now approaching four months since the final discard (two months of numbness, two months of extreme pain and depression)

I did talk to her to exchange some things at the two month mark in Oct.  I did send emails and a couple of texts following that.  You know what I got from all that ... .more pain.  :)o I regret doing these things ... .not really.  :)o I want her back ... .on some levels yes, on others no.  

We really did share a special connection at one time in spite of the hurtful things she did.  I want to believe in her now and I did believe in her during our relationship ... .but she didn't believe in herself.

I want to believe we could work it out, that we could find true happiness together.  Yet there is that nagging fear and doubt in the back of my mind saying nothing will ever change and it might even get worse if we were to get married.  That fear and doubt was with me almost our entire relationship but I chose to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Over time her behavior towards me wore me down to the point where I was completely emotionally numb, withdrawn and severely depressed.  I just stopped caring what happened.  Now that my feelings are back, she is long gone and I have been replaced and deleted.  

Sadly I still am in love with her and probably will always be.  At the same time I am angry, extremely hurt, broken, guilty, remorseful, profound sadness and sorrow, etc ... .the whole gambit.  

I also have some codependency traits.  I wouldn't classify myself as being severely codependent, but I did consciously choose to ignore numerous red flags and I do have white knight tendencies.  I even attempted to address these red flags with her on numerous occasions and she was open and receptive, already knowing these parts of herself she didn't like and needed to work on.  Unfortunately the actions didn't support the words and intent, but to her credit she did try and did have some limited success.  

Now what I have been trying to accomplish is merging the two people I see in my ex back into one person.  I have split her post discard and I need to make her whole again and accept her for who she really is, not who I believe she could be.   I tried to believe in that side of her while we were together and I saw that side of her much of the time, but eventually the BPD side won the battle inside of her and she continued to engage in behavior that eventually destroyed me and our relationship.  In the end I have come to realize I fell in love with an illusion.  The person I saw after 2 years of being with her is essentially a complete stranger to me.  

I'm not quite there yet with acceptance, but I am closer than I was 2 weeks ago.  Believe in yourself and your ability to see the truth though the pain.

[Circle]

Sorry to hear your situation. And, that you are in pain. The pain will go away. It's so hard when it's this beautiful woman, that we are in love with. If we saw some guy acting the way they do, as men, we would just write him off as a jerk, player, nut, etc. But, not when it's the woman we fell so hard for; no, we just can't believe they did this stuff.

She's not this person that you thought she was.

I don't know what to say. I've been through the same things. What helped me, was seeing a counselor, and surviving. I wish I had been on anti-depressants the first times I went through situations like this. It would have helped me out. But, I was younger then, and just suffered my way through it.

Then, I got into another relationship, fell hard and got kicked to the curb. I couldn't deal. I saw a counselor. That was when I think I really decided to start admitting that I couldn't do this all alone. That even if I had a strong mind, it wasn't strong enough for me to weather everything, alone. Sometimes, we have to find the help we need. And take that help.

[troisette]

  You're not alone and what you are feeling is classic. I hope you can take some heart from that.

I found it impossible to convince my ex, a professional photographer, that there are gradations of grey, in people and in life.

In exasperation I showed him one of his black and white photographs and asked him to see the shades of grey in the print.

Could he admit to seeing them? Nope.

They need professional help and you can't give it. It's so hard, especially at holiday time. I send you my sympathy and hope you can stay strong. And eventually, find some anger. It will help I think.