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Author Topic: Desperately afraid of joint therapy tomorrow...?  (Read 346 times)
FartonmyHeart

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 20


« on: November 25, 2015, 12:29:58 AM »

Any advice welcome.

Partner of nearly 7yrs is pwBPD, had psychotic breakdown, he's now inpatient at 2wks (of 4) and I'm working on unwrapping my brain from the contortions of willful codependence I entered into in order to get him safely into the inpatient program. We have our first joint therapy session tomorrow at 3pm.

I don't know where our relationship stands at all in his mind/heart. He says one thing/acts another way; for instance, "I want to come home for Thanksgiving and spend it with you entirely; I just want to be near you." Then when I visit him at the facility, he spends our entire time together introducing me to the woman he's developed his typical super-fast relationship with there (who is wearing underwear while we hang out). I think he might have actually been trying to meet an old boundary for our open relationship (meeting each others' others) but was inappropriate and outdated for many reasons not worth explaining beyond saying that it's not an applicable standard to meet any more and has not been for over a year, so not entirely sure why this happened, but trying to attribute a positive motivation here.

In addition, I did request last week that he cease "sweet talking" to me for the time being last week (without going into it with him, but b/c it felt so manipulative to me against trauma of his abuse during breakdown & I needed to start getting clarity on my own CoD stuff). So I'm not sure if he is respecting that (first time for anything) or if he is just naturally done expressing any kind, loving hopes for our future.

He will write 3 things he wants & 3 things we should work on for tomorrow's joint therapy session. I told him I will write same. No clue what he will write.

Pretty much sure that the only reason he agreed to schedule joint session was b/c I told him that for my own health, if we did not take advantage of the help offered in learning to communicate better with one another then when he left the facility I didn't think it would be a good idea for us to cohabitate, even just for the rest of December. I offered that maybe he could pick a friend to help me pack his things for storage or having his family call pro movers in that case. However since then he has asked about us getting continued joint therapy after he leaves the facility, under what context I don't know... .

Desperate for any advice on what to write or how to phrase. Needing clarity on his expectations for our relationship--does he even want one with me any longer, or does he just not want the bother of moving out of our house? is he willing to commit to boundaries/learning how to maintain them/what steps will he take to help build the trust between us again [sorry, I know he is ill and I respect that and I am supportive, but I need to heal as well so how do I phrase this?] in order to be in a romantic relationship with me?
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formflier
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #1 on: November 25, 2015, 07:38:58 AM »

       Step 1:  Realize that you are raw from all of this.  Lower your expectations of joint therapy (for now).  Focus on taking baby steps.  Focus on feeling safe communicating small things to him.  Leave the big things until later.  Step 2:  If you can work on you and reduce the amount of time thinking about him, this will do you wonders.  He will do, what he is going to do.  The less energy you spending thinking and worrying about it will free up time/energy to focus on healthier things.   What would you like to speak to him about in MC?  Don't worry about him, what do you want to speak to him about?  We can guide you.                    

FF
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