Nervous about Thanksgiving - I recently stopped walking on eggshells

[arvigomama]

I'm so nervous about Thanksgiving tomorrow that I took a 3 hour nap just now, due to a migraine that came on from the stress.

Husband (11 months married) and I were great for about 2-3 weeks, and the BPD cycle started again today.  The 2-3 week "good" phase is atypical.  I think it came from me disengaging from the control and abuse, but welcoming him back with open arms when the abuse stops.  I am not sure if this is a good approach but I needed to do something different as I'm expecting my second child in a few weeks (my first is 9 and not from my husband) and I can't keep babysitting his mental illness (apologies if this sounds offensive).

Tomorrow at Thanksgiving, my dad is having a ton of friends/family over.  My stepbrother's half-brother (if you can visualize that -- he is My stepmom's former stepson in marriage #1 and is my age) is considered "family" to us, even though he's not related by blood or marriage.  He Facebooked me today saying he's excited about seeing us tomorrow.  Totally innocent, but I know husband will freak out tomorrow when he extends a hug.  Husband will be mad for HOURS if I get a hug from him, and I can't even pull the "he's just family" card because technically, he's only related to my stepbrother.  My husband has not met him yet, since we are newlyweds. Ugh. 

Not to mention that my dad's side of the family is very liberal, will talk about topics at the table that can make an outsider blush.  It's also a flirty crowd, so sometimes after a few drinks, people will start hugging and complimenting each other.  I'm used to it and I don't care as I always have a great time.  I won't be drinking (pregnant) and won't be flirty and silly.

Husband takes these things out on me, saying it's inappropriate, etc.  He HATES me having acquaintances that are liberal, because I may be influenced by them and have an affair, or just up and leave him someday because of it.  I always calmly state that I'm happily married, and I state that i can't control how other people behave and if he doesn't like something, kindly take it up with them.  It breeds a huge fight for the drive home.  I hate feeling like I have to walk on eggshells, so I stopped.  As a result, I get the extinction burst from him because I won't engage with him.

One example of me not walking on eggshells is that I did NOT delete my Facebook chat with my "stepbrother".  Husband needs to know all my usernames and passwords for everything, so he can have access to all my accounts.  "It builds trust" he says, and when I resisted early on in our marriage, we would get into fights that would last for days.  I gave in to keep the peace but I always deleted everything that may make him flip out.  However, I kept my conversation with stepbrother, assuming husband will see it, but yet he tells me to never delete anything because it will mess up his trust.  Total double edged sword.  So I'm stuck. Please tell me if I'm being immature or petty by not deleting the chat?

I'm so new to this, so my BPD terminology might be off.  I want to work on the validation, and how to "validate" him for blowing up when male family members hug me, among other things that will likely happen tomorrow.  I feel suffocated and trapped when I walk on eggshells, and being 7 months pregnant, I won't do it anymore.  I need to conserve the strength to protect my health before baby comes in a few weeks.  Walking on eggshells drains me of my happiness and energy.

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[unicorn2014]

Hi arvigomama and welcome

You sound like you have a good grasp on the situation at hand. I think you are doing the right thing to put your own health first.

[Beacher]

As unicorn said, you need to focus on yourself at all costs at this time. Just refrain from the big hugs and maybe at a later date tell them you meant no offense, it just makes your husband uncomfortable and maybe when he gets to know them better. Congratulations on the baby!

[Notwendy]

Welcome to this board and I also think you have a good grasp of the situation. I also think it is good that you have decided not to walk on eggshells or babysit (as you say it) your husband's feelings. This isn't constructive and it also keeps him from dealing with his own feelings as an adult, not a child.

Keep posting and reading the lessons. I too decided to stop walking on eggshells. However, one thing to consider is the idea of an extinction burst- it is likely to get "worse" before it gets better as your H reacts to this new change in you.

When one walks on eggshells, this reinforces his emotional outburst as a means to soothe his own feelings. If he has a fit- and you respond by WOE, then his fits work for him. However, he may not want to give up on this right away and pitch a bigger fit. If you give in to this, then his fits work for him. The key is- for you to be able to tolerate his bad feelings. Not easy when you are pregnant and tired, and also when there is a newborn. If you can get some help- so you can be rested- a friend, a babysitter- to just let you take a nap at times, it can help.

Also know that holiday family craziness is normal- probably spiced up a bit when there are relatives with BPD and also the family dynamics that tend to occur with them. I too have a family friend- not a step- but a man I grew up with as a brother, and the first time we all got together ( as families) my H had several rage outbursts. This friend lives a long distance from me, and I had not seen him in decades. My H could not understand my joy at seeing an old friend for the first time in years- " You don't act that way with me". I would not act that way with anyone that I saw on a regular basis.

Once I went to a school reunion without my H. However, several family members went with me- so I was not alone. My H had all my family members' phone numbers. Yet, my H demanded I tell him all the phone numbers of the other people there. This really creeped me out, as he didn't know any of them and I felt it was a violation of their privacy to have my H call them looking for me. I saw it as a means to check up on me. He has no reason to do so. I refused. When I returned he was angry and accused me of ignoring his calls to me, yet there were no calls from him on my phone.

We can not control someone else's anger or how they interpret things. If someone in your family gets drunk or flirty- you can't control this either. Just go and try to hang in there with any emotional response. You may need to excuse yourself from it. The lessons- not to JADE and how to deal with this can help.

[arvigomama]

I love these replies and I'm relieved that I'm not messing things up with my new approach.

I just started reading about BPD a month ago and found this board.  Learning about this has helped me not hate my husband anymore and try to work with the chaos instead of fighting with him.

We planned on doing Thanksgiving today at my dad's, who has a karaoke machine, invites 30-40 people and his Thanksgivings tend to go past midnight.  This style is opposite of my husband's taste, and he can't comprehend why anyone would throw a "party" on Thanksgiving. I asked if he would like to make other plans and he said "no".

As predicted, a huge blowup took place at 10 PM last night. Knowing a blowup was on the horizon, I hugged him from behind and asked if his 81-year old mother would like to come with us to my dad's for Thanksgiving.  We invited her last week, but she said "maybe".  Yesterday she said she would like to go, which is great.  My MIL doesn't stay out for more than couple of hours, and my dad's home is 75 minutes away.

DH said she wants to go, but stay only 2 hours and then leave.  I stated that I don't see my dad or my family often, and asked if he would be willing to take separate cars so he can bring MIL home while I stay to visit family.  My 11-year old stepson is coming as well, and he might get immersed in video games with other kids and may not want to leave either.

Instead of this being your everyday married-couple-holiday-logistics chat, this became a MESS! DH accused me of wanting to party like a 20 year old (I'm 36) and acting like I'm single. I hate when he says this, because I was never married before age 35 and he thinks I'm clueless about what marriage is.  He was married 16 years to his ex-wife who ironically has a personality disorder as well.  

He said I am being selfish, excluding his mom and he now wants to have Thanksgiving at home.  I said "no" to this, because 10 PM the day before T-day is not the time to decide that we have to start cooking at home, and I logically stated that the grocery stores are probably closed tomorrow so we can't get a turkey.  Plus, I'm not willing to back out on my dad with little notice as my family is expecting me.

I rarely say "no" to my husband over big issues, so this is a first. It really set him off.

I got defensive, but realized I was engaging in madness, so I offered the opportunity to have a conversation about reaching a compromise so everyone is happy.  I stated that I will not be labeled, insulted, put down, and I will not be answering rhetorical questions ("are you just going to party all night?" for example when he knows I won't).  Husband instead raised his voice in the presence of his 11 year old, so I left the room.  As it stands, we are spending Thanksgiving together at my dad's, but he's going to call his mom and "say she can't go".  Normally, I would be begging him not to do this because I love my MIL and don't want her feelings hurt.  But then I realized he is punishing her in order to punish me and force me to give in.  And then he will have an excuse to blame me for ruining Thanksgiving (he is already saying this).

I told him that I prefer a meaningful discussion with the goal of compromise, but if he chooses to call his mom and exclude her, that would be his doing.  I told him I won't be held responsible for that outcome.  His attitude is "too bad, it's your fault" blah blah blah.

As it stands, I am going to my dad's home as scheduled.  Absent a conversation with him about compromising, I am just going to do things my way today.  If stepson appears bored because of having few kids around, I'm more than happy to leave earlier.  But I won't stay for only 2 hours as husband wants.  

[Icthelight]

However, one thing to consider is the idea of an extinction burst- it is likely to get "worse" before it gets better as your H reacts to this new change in you.

This is absolutely true. I am currently experiencing the extinction burst along with being painted black. Arvigomama, good for you to find out about BPD so early in your marriage and deciding to stop walking on eggshells. It took me 23 years to figure it out. I always knew something wasn't right, but I didn't find out about BPD until earlier this year. So, setting boundaries and responding differently to my uBPDw is not going well at all. She is stubborn and accustomed to eventually getting her way, so her anger and rage is at an all time high right now.

However, now knowing that this will happen and expecting it to happen is bringing me a sense of peace. I'm not stressing out over it or bending over backwards trying to please her so she can like me again. Try your very best not to take things personally. Take your time responding to his questions or accusations. Don't escalate the encounter by trying to reason with your H or explaining why you did or said what you did. What's working for me is taking my time answering her or responding "before I answer that, what are your thoughts on that?" After she goes on and on, I just validate what she said (validate, not agree) and most times, I never have to answer the question. I constantly got sucked into long arguments because I tried to answer or explain everything she asked of me. Especially when she twisted things or said things that I did that were not true. Boy, I still struggle not getting defensive when this happens, but I'm doing better.

Be nice, polite and assertive with your actions and decisions. You don't have to be nasty to stick to your boundaries. If he rages or verbally abuses you, call a time out and let him know that you will continue the conversation when you are not being yelled at. Don't engage and remove yourself from that abuse. As Wendy said, it will get ugly before it gets better. But long term, it should be worth it.

Good luck and enjoy your more than 2 hour Thanksgiving gathering