Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 08:30:22 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
84
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Not sure how to handle this  (Read 361 times)
Michelle27
******
Offline Offline

Posts: 754


« on: November 29, 2015, 08:24:38 PM »

This is my first post here in this category.  My ex and I ended our marriage about 6 months ago.  For 3 months before that we were separated but taking turns staying in our home for a week at a time with our 11 year old daughter for her stability.  The other parent stayed in a rented room and every Sunday, we switched.  At the time, we called it a therapeutic separation but at the 3 month mark nothing had changed as far as me feeling safe in my home with him and it became apparent that he was just going through the motions with pursuing therapy.  I sat down with him and said I was done, and made some suggestions as far as moving forward with divorce, talked about options in dealing with visitation, our home etc... I made it clear that I wasn't taking his daughter away from him, that I knew that she needed him and would allow any visitation.  Within days, he packed up his stuff and moved out although he didn't inform me of that, some neighbors kept me in the loop (I was in the rental at that time).  He called me and said he was out of the house for the week (implying that we were still switching off which was an option I had given him) and I came home, saw he had moved everything that was his out and I promptly changed the locks.  We had some email exchanges a month after we separated and other than that, no contact between he and I.  

For the first month and a half after making the separation permanent, I was very conscious of making sure I wasn't crossing any lines with our daughter.  Both he and I had explained mental illness to her so she was understanding of that.  I needed her to know that I was not taking her Dad away from her, not going to get in the way of them being in contact or seeing each other as much as they wanted.  I was also very conscious of not questioning what he was saying to her (he was mostly in contact with her by text) and encouraged her to to see him as much as she wanted.  She saw him twice in 6 weeks, totaling 5.5 hours and while I didn't question her about the visits she did volunteer that he spent the first 3 hour visit questioning her about me and what I was up to since he moved out.  I encouraged her that if it made her uncomfortable, she had the right to tell him she didn't want to talk about that, but it was up to her.  When he tried to make plans for a 3rd visit at the 7 week mark, I encouraged it and she made plans with him for the following Sunday.  On Friday she casually mentioned that she had canceled her plans with her Dad saying she was too busy (it was summer vacation and she absolutely not busy).  I was dumbfounded and asked her why.  She just said she didn't feel like seeing him that weekend. I reiterated once again that I wasn't going to stand in her way of seeing her Dad and I didn't want her canceling visits with him because she knew he and I were no longer together.  She told me then to stop telling her constantly that she could see him whenever she wanted, said she would when she wanted to and knew I wasn't going to stop her.  Basically, she was annoyed with me encouraging her all the time to maintain contact.

I stopped encouraging our daughter to stay in contact with her Dad, and that very week, he dropped off the planet.  Our daughter said he wasn't answering her texts (I've since discovered he got a new cell number, leaving me with the bill as his old one was attached to my plan).  He never bothered to inform her of his new number although I've been told he is telling others that they ARE in contact.  I've had  sporadic contact from his lawyer but it's slow going.  In August, the lawyer asked for my financial information etc. and I sent it.  In October, she wanted an updated financial statement but this time notorized and said she was preparing a settlement offer.  I supplied the notorized document and have heard nothing since.  

In 2 days, we will have been officially separated for 6 months (9 if you count the therapeutic separation).  It will be 3.5 months since our daughter has spoken with him.  He hasn't paid one cent in child support either.  I understand through others that he moved back to his Dad's house in another city, quit his job and supposedly got a new one.  I've been in contact with his first wife who tells me that he only saw his son once in 3 months and that was at her insistence when he wanted his stuff that used to be in my home but he moved out with him 6 months ago.  

I'm still patiently waiting to hear this "offer" from his lawyer but in the meantime, I think it's criminal that he hasn't been in contact with his daughter for 3.5 months.  I am annoyed that I am left without a cent in child support but I also don't want to force contact if our daughter doesn't want it.  She too is annoyed that he stopped talking to her, but is handling it very well. She did have a minor meltdown on Thanksgiving in October (I'm in Canada) but we talked about it and she expressed that it was the first holiday since her Dad was out of the house.  After he moved out she told me how rough and angry he had been with her during his weeks in the home during our separation and I enrolled her in a program called Children Who Witness Abuse through our local transition house organization and she loves it. I am considering registering with an organization locally called Family Justice in hopes they will mediate with him about child support and visitation but I'm unsure if there's going to be an offer from his lawyer soon and I'm pretty sure Family Justice will encourage me to file legal papers (I don't have the spare cash this month with Christmas to file the papers either... .).  I don't know if I should let things lie as they are (him not in contact with his daughter at all, no child support being paid, etc.) and let a judge see how irresponsible he is being when our divorce is final.  Our daughter is happy and doesn't seem to care much that he disappeared (which is also a bit disturbing) but I keep the lines of communication open as much as possible and nothing is coming up that concerns me.  With Christmas so close I kind of just want to let it go, but by the same token, I'd like to have something in place so I'm not blindsided by him wanting a visit at Christmas.  Should I get in touch with Family Justice or just let it go until after the holiday?
Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #1 on: November 29, 2015, 09:45:58 PM »

It sounds like you initially wanted him to visit, but since he's abandoned his daughter, you're angry. Was any custody arrangement proposed, even unofficially, through his L? I understand being hesitant so close to the holidays (and it's sad that your daughter felt like that on Thanksgiving), but it might be good to be proactive rather than letting an emotionally dysregulating person call the shots. It sounds like you haven't retained a L, right? The FJ org sounds interesting. Is there any risk in just cintacting them to discuss how you might proceed, even if you aren't quite ready to yet?

It goes without saying that he interrogating your daughter like that crossed the line and she felt badly. Custody stioulation usually have language which forbids that, though it's hard to enforce.

Since you posted here, we have a lot of good info to the right of the board. Though it might change if he comes back and some kind of stable custody arrangement is made (with him paying support!), it might be good to back off from encouraging her to spend time with her dad. She may feel it's invalidating due to his actions which probably telegraph, ":)addy doesn't care about or love me enough to spend time with me." We use the same tools here with our kids that we do with our pwBPD (SET, validation).

Take care, Michelle.

Turkish

Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Michelle27
******
Offline Offline

Posts: 754


« Reply #2 on: November 29, 2015, 10:25:19 PM »

Initially I did want them to spend time together, and never wanted to come in the way of their relationship.  On some level, I stayed in the marriage as long as I did because of that.  But now that he has disappeared from contact with her, I am leary of allowing the kind of open access we discussed at first because I am concerned at how irresponsible he is being.  And with Christmas coming, I just don't know what, if anything is going to come up.
Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #3 on: November 29, 2015, 11:09:43 PM »

In the USA, you would both still have equal rights as parents (my uBPX's sister is in similar legal situation). As painful as it is to see him abandon his daughter, their r/s isn't your responsibility... When it comes to working out a custody schedule (predicated on him being someone stable, of course), what are your thoughts?
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Michelle27
******
Offline Offline

Posts: 754


« Reply #4 on: November 30, 2015, 08:07:44 AM »

He has a 16 year old son from his first marriage.  When we met, his son was 1 year old and I remember him telling me that he was being denied access from his ex wife.  Sometimes months would go by before there was a weekend visitation.  I kept encouraging him to get something in writing and when his divorce went through, I was stunned that he agreed to his ex having sole custody and him with visitation.  Where I live, it is almost always joint custody with primary guardianship by one parent and the other with visitation.  It's also common for 50/50 arrangements with the kids too.  He said he didn't have a choice but I know he could have fought it.  Visitation with his son evolved into about once a month we had his son for a weekend.  Sometimes a few months would go by and I'd have to remind him about making arrangements.  And his first wife insisted on child support through a company that would enforce it if he missed a payment, which he hasn't for the most part. 

Since the separation, I have been in contact with his first wife and have learned a few things... .one, that he never did try to get joint custody as he claimed.  And that no, she never did deny access.  Seems he's repeating the same patterns with me, telling people I am denying access when I am not. 

I had visions of every 2nd weekend our daughter would spend with him.  Now that I know he moved into his Dad's place, I have reservations about that, because there isn't a bedroom for her and I am uncomfortable with her sleeping in the same bed with him.  He takes heavy meds at night and twice, he had sex with me and had no memory of it in the morning. 
Logged
Turkish
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Online Online

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12104


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #5 on: November 30, 2015, 10:18:54 AM »

I had visions of every 2nd weekend our daughter would spend with him.  Now that I know he moved into his Dad's place, I have reservations about that, because there isn't a bedroom for her and I am uncomfortable with her sleeping in the same bed with him.  He takes heavy meds at night and twice, he had sex with me and had no memory of it in the morning. 

Trust your gut. Even if he didn't have issues, sleeping in the same bed as an 11 yo girl isn't proper. It's his responsibility to provide a safe space for his daughter, even if it means he sleeps on the couch or an air mattress and she gets the bedroom. If he can't demonstrate the minimum, then he isn't responsible. It sounds, however, as if he is indeed repeating his old pattern of abandonment.
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #6 on: November 30, 2015, 10:37:47 AM »

Hi Michelle27,

I'm sorry you're going through this, and that your daughter is hurting.  :'(

My son's father is no longer in his life, too. I suppressed my own feelings about his father's abuse while simultaneously encouraging S14 to have a relationship with his dad. That really confused S14 and there is some long-term damage that both of us are still working through. It is a massive mixed message that I cannot blame the courts for because I was participating from a place of dysfunction.

I think it's really helpful that your D knows her dad is mentally ill. That will give her some language and a point of reference to make sense of his behavior when and if she's ready to understand him from that perspective.

As difficult as it is to accept, your ex is not capable right now of being a good father. In the grips of his own mental illness and the disordered coping mechanisms he relies on, this is the best he can be right now. Let your daughter grieve this without trying to fix it for her -- grieving has to happen at some point and it gets harder to access the really big feelings the longer she puts it off. For my son, his unprocessed grief turned into a moderately severe depression. I know I am responsible in the sense that my own codependence got in the way, and I tried to make things better because I didn't want to see S14 in pain.

This is the hard part -- we are people who picked a mentally ill person. A lot of us have legacy issues around healthy relationships that we bring to parenting. I can't say enough about my son's T helping S14 (and by extension, me) move forward in healthy ways. So many times (I can be a slow learner) I encouraged S14 to do this or that, and so many times his T would suggest something different that I never thought about. These suggestions always offered S14 great relief.

I am learning to admit that I do not have all the skills and can use a lot of help following that healthy beam of light when it comes to guiding intimate relationships, especially with my child and his dad, the exact same parent-child relationship that is most broken in my life. I have a troubled relationship with my own father, and this makes me rather shaky when it comes to some of my judgments with S14.

Your D may be angry at her dad and not want to see him. That issue is separate from what you are thinking about in terms of FJ. They are really not related, although yes, it is likely that you'll poke the bear if you file a legal action. Although, with BPD, it's often hard to predict what will/won't lead to this or that behavior.

Does D have a therapist she can talk to?
Logged

Breathe.
Michelle27
******
Offline Offline

Posts: 754


« Reply #7 on: November 30, 2015, 07:00:39 PM »

So many good things here.  Thanks, Turkish and Livednlearned.  You're right, Livednlearned, about not fixing it for her.  I spent my marriage trying to "fix" him and it was the wrong path for both him and I.  I did choose him for a husband (and a violent man for a first husband) and I have mostly figured out what put me on that path and I am correcting it.  I've made so many changes within myself and I think my girls see that, which is awesome. 

My daughter does not have a therapist, although she is attending a program called "Children who Witness Abuse" through our local transition house, and it seems to be a good thing.  She is also wise beyond her years and can absolutely articulate how she is feeling and why.  I spent about 10 months in therapy once or twice a month and towards the end when I had ended my marriage and was worried about my daughter and her reaction, I asked if I should get her into therapy.  She told me to keep and eye on her and put her in only if I see something concerning.  That's the funny part... .she's much more even keeled NOW than she was.  But I am watching.  And this week didn't help.  One of her best friend's lost her father suddenly last week and today was the funeral.  It was her first funeral, but my worry was more that having her friend suddenly lose her Dad would trigger the realization that in some ways, with her Dad disappearing the way he did, she "lost" him too.  But she's mature enough that we were able to discuss it this week pretty openly.  I have a good extended program through work that would give her therapy if she does need it at some point.

Yes, Turkish, you are right in trusting my gut.  I won't allow any unsafe situation to take place.  And our daughter is 11.5 which is right on the cusp of being the age in which she can choose where to live if/when we do get to court. 

Thanks again both of you.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!