Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 07:28:08 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things we can't ignore
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
Why We Struggle in Our Relationships
Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
93
Pages: 1   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: The therapist told me she thinks the issue is that she has an alcohol problem  (Read 564 times)
WhatShouldIDo

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 10


« on: December 06, 2015, 01:30:31 PM »

Hi,

After a night of arguments and her disrespecting me, my uBPDso wakes up in the morning like nothing happened. She is the wonderful perfect woman I fell in love with. It’s amazing. Her Mr. Hyde personality is gone and she is back to being Dr. Jekyll. This is so consistent it is amazing. She acts like someone who was a belligerent drunk the night before and is all sobered up and fresh as a daisy in the morning.

 We recently started going to a therapist. The understanding was that we need to try and fix what is causing our relationship issues. The therapist’s website lists BPD as one of the conditions that she treats. While setting up the initial meeting, I admitted privately to the therapist that I believe my uBPDso has BPD traits. After meeting with us together and separately, the therapist told me she thinks the issue is that she has an alcohol problem and that’s why she seems normal in the mornings. She thinks she is an alcoholic and told me that alcoholics require a lot less alcohol to get drunk than average drinkers. I don’t buy this. I believe she has a drink or two now and then when I am not aware of it, but sometimes I am pretty sure she is completely sober when she starts acting up.

 Has anyone else noticed there BPDso acting perfect in the mornings and then acting up later in the day?

 If this has been discussed in some other post, I apologize. Please direct me to the location if it is known. Thanks.

Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2015, 01:35:29 PM »

Mine had certain times of day that where higher conflict than others. I did wonder if it had anything to do with circadian rhythm.
Logged

JohnLove
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 571



« Reply #2 on: December 06, 2015, 04:43:03 PM »

Hello WhatShouldIDo, you are on to something. I don't know what it is exactly but it is a pattern. It is indicative of something. My uBPDex would also drink to excess. But she was terrible in the mornings. Despite no arguments the night before she would wake late 9:30-1100am (after I'd done everything) Throw stuff around in the sink. Slam cupboard doors. Be really churlish. I knew this was indicative of something deep as well. And this was so consisient it was amazing. This was over 10 years before I discovered BPD existed.

My ex and your SO seem to have really similar pathology but with the opposite symptoms in the morning... .go figure... .?

I'm still convinced this meant something but I am a little over trying to figure it out and I don't believe it will make any difference now. 
Logged
Theo41
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 219



« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2015, 05:57:35 PM »

My uBPDw has a Jeckel and Hyde personality, as most BPDs do. Over the last few years she has developed a drinking problem. When she has 2 or more drinks Hyde comes out in spades. She sleeps it off and is normal in the am. If she has been particularly bad she is contrite. I have been going to Alanon for several years, in addition to this board, to help me cope.  both have been very helpful. Theo
Logged
babyducks
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2920



« Reply #4 on: December 07, 2015, 05:23:42 AM »

my partner has a pattern of dsyregulation around bed time.  for a couple of reasons.   sleep is difficult for her, she often sleeps poorly, sleep is not her friend, her thoughts race at night.   me conking out and falling asleep like a rock felt like a mini abandonment to her.   and like most of us, our darkest thoughts occur at the lowest ebb of our circadian rhythm.  sleep also tends to reset mood when you get to a deep enough sleep pattern which my partner who is a very light sleeper struggles to achieve.  we finally agreed that no ~discussions~ would happen at bedtime, or in the bedroom, and that has made a huge difference.
Logged

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
hergestridge
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 760


« Reply #5 on: December 07, 2015, 07:54:33 AM »

The psychiatrist I have talked to have said that a mental condition cannot be diagnosed when a person has when he/she is drinking excessively simply on the grounds that one cannot tell which behaviors stem from drinking and not. So I suppose initially the problem is alcohol. One would have to remove the alcohol from the equation to see what problems remain.

It's not simple though. My BPD ex did have a problematic relationship with alcohol although she didn't drink regularly. She drank when the situations where it was acceptable. When she was "allowed" to drink she was like a child on Christmas eve. Clearly drinking was a relief from anxiety to her, but she didn't even drink regularly.   
Logged
WhatShouldIDo

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 10


« Reply #6 on: December 15, 2015, 07:50:52 PM »

 Thank you all for your comments and experiences. I feel now, the way I felt before I discovered BPD. I knew something was wrong with my uBPDso but did not know what it was. Then I discovered this website. The persistent searching paid off with this discovery.

I feel like there is something more to be discovered with her seemingly drunk behavior that comes and goes. The therapist we are seeing made a statement similar to what hergestridge said. Remove the alcohol from the equation to see what problems remain.

Then the therapist made a statement in front of both of us that almost made me fall out of my chair. She said, "I'm going on the record and saying she (my uBPDso) does not have a Personality Disorder." Wow. If the therapist could only see what I see when we are alone together!

I see her act like she was drinking, slight slur to her words to go along with the usual hurtful comments, overreacting for the situation,  argumentative, etc... .But later switch like she is normal again. I just feel like there is something more to be discovered to explain her acting like she is drunk but is not.

She does like to drink but sometimes there is no way that she could have been drinking when she acts that way. (I think)

  The therapist recommended she read Beyond the Influence by Katherine Ketcham, Bantam Books, ISBN 0-553-38014-15. She borrowed it from the library and is actually reading it. We'll see where it goes from here.

Logged
Herodias
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1787


« Reply #7 on: December 15, 2015, 07:58:43 PM »

The therapists we went to said he had to quit drinking so they could figure out who he is... .He was worse on alcohol, but he could be the same jerk when he wasn't. I used to think he would only do stupid stuff when he was drunk... .but when we were separated, he reminded me that he was sober when he was flirting with women at work. It's not the alcohol. It does make it allot worse- A Lot Worse! Mine drank every night and if he had nothing to do, it could start around noon... .
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #8 on: December 15, 2015, 08:44:26 PM »

    Has anyone else noticed there BPDso acting perfect in the mornings and then acting up later in the day?    

     Back when my r/s was in a worse place, I usually got the opposite.  She was pretty good in evening and at night, but first words out of her mouth in the morning was usually something horrible.  I'm a morning person, like getting up, starting out fresh.  It was horrible to have her blathering on about horrid stuff first thing.  I think she would wake up early and ruminate on things until I woke up.  Or perhaps had bad dreams.  Hang in there!  It can get better.      

FF
Logged

enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #9 on: December 16, 2015, 12:45:29 AM »

 Has anyone else noticed there BPDso acting perfect in the mornings and then acting up later in the day?

Back when my r/s was in a worse place, I usually got the opposite.  She was pretty good in evening and at night, but first words out of her mouth in the morning was usually something horrible.

I'm a morning person, like getting up, starting out fresh.  It was horrible to have her blathering on about horrid stuff first thing.

I think she would wake up early and ruminate on things until I woke up.  Or perhaps had bad dreams.

Hang in there!  It can get better.

FF

Mine was the same. She would find any excuse to have a go at me in the morning.
Logged

formflier
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076



WWW
« Reply #10 on: December 16, 2015, 05:58:48 AM »

  Mine was the same. She would find any excuse to have a go at me in the morning.  

     I get it that there is a lot about the disorder that we nons just have to push the "I believe" button on.  But I still don't understand the morning thing.    The day is fresh, nothing bad has actually happened (yet), etc etc.    I can totally relate to having a long hard day with lots of stuff going wrong and being a grouch in the evening.  Especially if you just want to go to bed for but whatever circumstances you have to stay up for a bit.  There was a period of time (several months) where my habit was to wake up in the morning and snuggle with my wife for 15-20 minutes or so.  Not really talking that much, but snuggle.  Touch is her big love language.  So, the theory (in my mind) went like this, I would use her love language to "override" whatever BPDish stuff was going on in the morning with her and once she got off to a good start, things would be much better for rest of day.  It worked for a couple months.   Then she wanted to cuddle and chew my a$$ at the same time.           

FF
Logged

enlighten me
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #11 on: December 16, 2015, 09:04:00 AM »

Mine was the same. She would find any excuse to have a go at me in the morning.

I get it that there is a lot about the disorder that we nons just have to push the "I believe" button on.  But I still don't understand the morning thing. 

The day is fresh, nothing bad has actually happened (yet), etc etc. 

I can totally relate to having a long hard day with lots of stuff going wrong and being a grouch in the evening.  Especially if you just want to go to bed for but whatever circumstances you have to stay up for a bit.

There was a period of time (several months) where my habit was to wake up in the morning and snuggle with my wife for 15-20 minutes or so.  Not really talking that much, but snuggle.  Touch is her big love language.  So, the theory (in my mind) went like this, I would use her love language to "override" whatever BPDish stuff was going on in the morning with her and once she got off to a good start, things would be much better for rest of day.

It worked for a couple months.   Then she wanted to cuddle and chew my a$$ at the same time.     

FF

It could be down to a number of reasons.

Some I have thought about is the circadian rythym being out so they don't sleep well.

Another is that if you get up before them then waking up to an empty bed could trigger abandonment issues.

Or maybe just seeing us triggers them.

At the end of the day though we can only guess.
Logged

Hope26
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 126



« Reply #12 on: December 17, 2015, 11:53:21 AM »

[Then the therapist made a statement in front of both of us that almost made me fall out of my chair. She said, "I'm going on the record and saying she (my uBPDso) does not have a Personality Disorder." Wow. If the therapist could only see what I see when we are alone together!-Quote]

This sort of statement is what makes me extremely skeptical of psychiatrists and psychologists in general.  Though I have tremendous respect for the body of accumulated knowledge in these fields, I think good diagnosticians are few and far between. I've seen that from past experiences, repeatedly. That is why I have not even encouraged uBPDh to seek professional help.  I think trying to educate ourselves and, to whatever degree possible, our BPD person about the relationship issues, may be the best approach for some of us. At least if they are somewhat high-functioning.                                                                           
Logged
WhatShouldIDo

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 10


« Reply #13 on: December 26, 2015, 11:01:10 PM »

Excerpt
Then the therapist made a statement in front of both of us that almost made me fall out of my chair. She said, "I'm going on the record and saying she (my uBPDso) does not have a Personality Disorder." Wow. If the therapist could only see what I see when we are alone together!

I am considering sending an email to the therapist telling her I disagree and believe my uBPDso ":)OES" have a Personality Disorder!

Our next appointment is on Tuesday 12/29/2015 so I need to decide very soon.

Logged
thisworld
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 763


« Reply #14 on: December 28, 2015, 08:09:17 AM »

Hi,

I'm aware of the linear psychiatric approach that says let's take alcohol/substance first to find the root cause of the behaviour and then we can decide. And I don't know how many cases they actually manage to treat this way. It's also well known that alcohol or substance abuse really causes personality disorder symptoms, yes. I also know that when someone quits alcohol or a substance the personality problems remain (any AAer knows this actually). My two cents. This happens for two reasons. 1. The person remains what is termed a dry drunk in some circles. They have stopped using the substance but have not dealt with ineffective coping skills/cognitive stuff etc that they have developed during living as an alcoholic (why exactly did they develop this, was it the alcohol or the personality problem, one can never really know. They are interwoven, not linear). 2. There really is a personality disorder that may even get worse.

Theoretically, a psychiatrist may feel that they have to take other things out of the equation first. From what I know in practice, it is always very difficult and sometimes nonsense really (sorry if this sounds rude or ignorant, but... .) Addiction is a lifelong disease, people relapse. What would happen if they diagnosed someone and then the person relapsed? Went back to being an active alcoholic? Logically, is that taking the diagnosis back and going back to square one now? Or is this now a person with a personality disorder and an alcohol problem? Also, how do you take alcohol out of the equation? Thought patterns, cognitive distortions (secular recovery), character flaws (AA) remain and that's why recovery is needed and it may take a long time. And if the person is disordered, it's actually even more difficult to quit the substance/alcohol use because the two trigger each other. And sometimes, simply, the person doesn't want to recover because they are self-medicating or trying to soothe themselves with alcohol/substance. Life becomes truly unbearable when problems are not solved - even if partially- and the person relaxes a bit.

And actually, secular recovery programmes and DBT have a lot in common. If a person can do one, why not the other? Moderate sobriety is also an option in some cases. The person is encouraged to have a moderate level of sobriety (if abstinence is not a realistic goal) where they can even if partially do some cognitive work, motivation work etc and builds it from there.

Plus, there is DBT for substance abusers! My feeling is that not all people benefiting from it were diagnosed before substance abuse started. My ex partner is a heroin addict with twenty years behind him. He probably will not recover, he abuses suboxone, bridges with it (uses it to treat his withdrawals and if he is under legal control, he schedules days calculating what would show up in his pee. A lot of addicts do things like this) He is volatile and sometimes downright insane really (I'm not using it in a denigrating fashion). And this guy, even this guy benefits  from some DBT techniques sometimes (on anxiety tolerance, in substance recovery programmes something very similar is called Low Frustration Tolerance). What does it matter where the individual comes across a useful tip that helps them in life? That very recovery from alcoholism/substance doesn't mean you have to have some time under your belt to change your outlook to life. People go to meetings, support groups, even if they relapse, and always always work on themselves. If they are able to try recovery techniques under these circumstances, why not something similar based on the symptoms.

For a lot of people, it's a very very difficult goal to have to stop alcoholism/addiction so that they can be treated for something else. (Plus, in the beginning, they are in the denial stage) Some feel more heard and understood when someone manages to say, I understand your pain, your suffering and let's deal with that. Once you feel better, you decide whether you really need to use what you use and how much. I have first hand experienced that some addiction therapists are able to offer approaches in a gray area where abstinence or "recovery" is not a requirement. Sometimes they reject treatment without hospitalization and sometimes they don't do it because hospitalization is useless. Everyone is unique and has an individual pattern. I believe the point is to understand the person (whatever the diagnosis may be or not be) and find something that speaks to that person. Not everybody can go through the ideal first this and then this approach and I think there's still hope for those people. Some of my friends have recovered like that. I personally wouldn't worry about the diagnosis but try to find things that improves this person's life right now, especially if they are not admitting that they have an alcohol problem, are in denial etc.  It becomes a difficult and unnecessary and mostly useless power fight to get them into recovery - especially if they are functional because it takes longer to "hit the bottom" and realize the problem. People don't have to hit the bottom to start recovering.

Sorry, if this is very long but I genuinely (and maybe wrongly) believe that this approach sometimes traps people between two lines of recovery that become somehow inaccessible in the end. Maybe addiction consultants (people who were addicts at one point but recovered and are helping addicts in professional environments would be able to offer alternatives. Many believe in full abstinence as well but some really think hard to find a solution when the family feels trapped.)

How about asking the therapist to find something that helps with the person here and now (even if not completely) so that they are relaxed a bit and can find some motivation for recovery in either sense?

 
Logged
thisworld
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 763


« Reply #15 on: December 28, 2015, 08:20:20 AM »

After meeting with us together and separately, the therapist told me she thinks the issue is that she has an alcohol problem and that’s why she seems normal in the mornings. She thinks she is an alcoholic and told me that alcoholics require a lot less alcohol to get drunk than average drinkers.

Also, in my experience this is very difficult to generalize. It's true that during later phases of alcoholism the threshold decreases and they need less alcohol. I have seen long-time heavy drinkers who got floored with one or two pints at one point. But that depends on the person's pattern and history. Some others do not get to that phase ever and remain alcoholics with one or two drinks every day. But they are still alcoholics and it causes interpersonal problems. Yet again, not all of them are afternoon drinkers, some are morning drinkers. Maybe your therapist really saw something you didn't but she obviously didn't explain how she arrived in these conclusions. If you feel that she hasn't probed into the issue long enough, maybe you can ask what exactly caused her to believe this - in details.
Logged
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 10440



« Reply #16 on: December 28, 2015, 08:32:42 AM »

I think substance abuse and BPD in combination are common- along with co-dependency and an enabling partner. I also think that the treatment for both conditions can overlap- help one, help the other. I think that for some people with BPD, being diagnosed with a PD can be so triggering that they may quit on the spot, so addressing the alcohol may be the way to establish a relationship and then address the common issues. Sort of a roundabout way to deal with the BPD that ends up helping?

Having been in co-dependency 12 step groups, I have encountered many alcoholics and addicts. This was puzzling to me, as I don't use substances at all, the most I drink is a glass of wine once in a while. It was hard for me to even consider what I could have in common with addicts and then a big eye opener to see how co-dependency/enabling also fit into the addiction model.  In the co-dependency groups were several members who, once sober, were working on the issues that led to them drinking in the first place, dysfunctional families, co-dependent traits- all of which were applicable to dealing with PD's or family members with PD.

Perhaps if  " all roads lead to Rome", then the T is choosing the alcohol addiction diagnosis to get to the same place?
Logged
Theo41
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 219



« Reply #17 on: January 30, 2016, 02:32:01 AM »

As I tried to indicate above. Alcoholism and BPD are not mutually exclusive. Some have both and I believe my wife does. My sponsor in Alanon (who is also a Dr. )does the same thing your therapist does: attribute everything to the alcoholism. My wife can exhibit and has exhibited all the BPD traits without taking a single drink. However, when she does drink it's awful. The alcohol acts as a lubricant or accelerant. The BPD behavior is sure to be exhibited and its especially horrible . What I learned to do is take care of myself. I detach, and give myself a break by staying away from her. I lay down for a rest, walk the dog etc. We are not meant to be doormats for abusive, sick people. We need to be our own parents and protect ourselves from harm (phsycological or physical). I have learned to do this and the affect on her has been dramatic: little or no drinking, and less dysregulation / acting out.Theo
Logged
EmotionalWarfare

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 45



« Reply #18 on: January 30, 2016, 12:22:13 PM »

WhatshouldIdo,

I think you're onto something here.  As many before me have confirmed, my uBPDw too becomes way out of control while drinking.  She takes spells where she drinks more frequently and once she starts has a difficult time knowing when to quit.  Trying to stop her can prove to be an extremely challenging task since pwBPD disorder does not like to feel controlled or told what to do which often will provoke a dysregulation.  My s/o has said some of the most horrible things on an etoh fueled rant.  However, I can most of the time see it coming because it begins with a heaping helping of over the top appreciation and praise for all I am and I do for her.  I know at this point it's coming.  Soon the switch will flip and I'll be the most horrible person who ever walked the earth and I'll be the one who single handedly ruined every aspect of her life.  Her words cut to the core with the most harsh, personal digs she can muster.  Then in the morning deny all and act as though I'm fabricating stories to make her feel bad.  (That is if I bring it up, most of the time I don't because my time would be better spent outfitting submarines with screen doors than to try and resolve anything that transpired the evening before.)

I just do my best to avoid situations where drinking takes place.  But she has often had similar wild rants totally sober.  I'm sorry you experience this too.  Hang in there buddy, and if you crack the code... .please share Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
Logged
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #19 on: January 30, 2016, 01:10:04 PM »

After nagging my husband for years to cut down on the alcohol and to exercise, he recently was diagnosed with high blood pressure and put on medication.

Last year when I had my physical, I told our doctor that he had been drinking one to one and a half bottles of wine a night, plus on occasion up to three cocktails and then taking sleeping pills and muscle relaxants she had prescribed. She looked over his prescription refill history and asked if he was getting meds elsewhere. I didn't think so and she told me that he wasn't over-using what she had prescribed, but she was concerned about the alcohol abuse.

So now he's hypertensive, she has told him he can only have one glass of wine a day and that he has to exercise. I think he's been cheating a bit on the drinking, but he certainly has cut down and he is exercising. He's been a lot nicer to be around and even though he's undoubtedly detoxing, there hasn't been a dysregulation.
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
townhouse
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 160


« Reply #20 on: January 30, 2016, 03:33:11 PM »

Last year things really became terrible when my UBPD partner was drinking very heavily. I previously posted on here about how he became completely dysregulated for weeks when we were finishing building a house. So much so that it led to a DV episode on me.

Anyway, as a result of his actions at that time, he hasn't had one drink in 4 months. The change is remarkable. He still is a person with BPD but he is aware of it and is still going to DBT.  There was a break in therapy for 6 weeks over the holiday period, so it seems to me that it is the absence of alcohol that is doing the most good in this situation. He occasionally gets a bit frustrated and annoyed with things that happen in our life but he manages to say things like "I'm feeling a little outside myself today" or "don't know what's the matter with me today". He is also managing to take on some health issues in a sensible way ... .so far.

Of course since I've discovered these boards and learning about validation and  not jading etc I feel this has helped the interaction between us. I have also learned to take a step back and get on and do things more independently. This I guess is another way of saying that I am no longer codependent... .it was very hard not to be codependent at that time because the craziness had me completely engulfed as most people here will no doubt identify with.

Look I'm not saying BPD is gone but since he is not drinking alcohol and the DBT our life has taken on a more "normal" if still somewhat eccentric style.
Logged
EmotionalWarfare

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 45



« Reply #21 on: January 30, 2016, 05:18:37 PM »

I'm so happy to hear this Townhouse!  Good for you.  That has to feel great!  Unfortunately, I think I am engulfed right now but trying not to be.
Logged
hergestridge
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 760


« Reply #22 on: January 31, 2016, 02:41:00 AM »

Last year things really became terrible when my UBPD partner was drinking very heavily. I previously posted on here about how he became completely dysregulated for weeks when we were finishing building a house. So much so that it led to a DV episode on me.

Anyway, as a result of his actions at that time, he hasn't had one drink in 4 months. The change is remarkable. He still is a person with BPD but he is aware of it and is still going to DBT.  There was a break in therapy for 6 weeks over the holiday period, so it seems to me that it is the absence of alcohol that is doing the most good in this situation. He occasionally gets a bit frustrated and annoyed with things that happen in our life but he manages to say things like "I'm feeling a little outside myself today" or "don't know what's the matter with me today". He is also managing to take on some health issues in a sensible way ... .so far.

Of course since I've discovered these boards and learning about validation and  not jading etc I feel this has helped the interaction between us. I have also learned to take a step back and get on and do things more independently. This I guess is another way of saying that I am no longer codependent... .it was very hard not to be codependent at that time because the craziness had me completely engulfed as most people here will no doubt identify with.

Look I'm not saying BPD is gone but since he is not drinking alcohol and the DBT our life has taken on a more "normal" if still somewhat eccentric style.

This sounds like very good news. The fact that he has faced his alcohol problem could mean that he has is at least partially able to face his own shame and take responsibility. This is so much more than the average pwBPD is capable of. Good luck! Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7480



« Reply #23 on: January 31, 2016, 09:30:55 AM »

Yay, Townhouse! Not dealing with the fog of alcohol really helps them to be much nicer people. And you've learned so much about dealing with him. This is great news.
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
WhatShouldIDo

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 10


« Reply #24 on: February 15, 2016, 11:24:21 AM »

 Thank you all for sharing your knowledge and wisdom. I did decide to send the therapist an email stating I did not agree with her statement that my uDPDso did not have a personality disorder. She never responded to my email. I did not get the opportunity to ask her to explain how she arrived at that conclusion. It was too uncomfortable to bring up during our subsequent sessions. I agree that the alcohol and personality problem are interwoven.

On 01/07/2015 my uBPDso got arrested for Driving Under the Influence (DUI). She was at fault in a car accident. No one was hurt. She said she only drank two 8% alcohol beers. If true, it was enough for her to blow a 2.1. Her trial date is pending. She is in a mandatory class to qualify to get a conditional drivers license and had to sign an oath stating she would not drink and random testing may occur. She stated she was going to quit drinking but we made that commitment to the therapist once before the DUI and she did not live up to it. Sure enough, she started drinking again. She has now admitted she has a drinking problem but it has only been for the last two of our seven years together. I know better because alcohol has always ignited her bad behavior since I met her and it is an "accelerant" as Theo41 puts it.

We had a big blowout and I called the therapist and told her I will no longer be coming to the sessions and to cancel my appointment. If my uBPDso wants to attend, she will have to make her own appointments. That was the end of that.

The therapy sessions are probably great,... .for "normal" people.

She had another episode the other night, so I tried to stay away from her but she kept banging on the door trying to get me to open it. I had to get dressed at about 11:00 PM and go out for a drive. She kept calling my cell phone telling me to come back. I waited till after mid-night when she calmed down before I went back "to my own" home. Very sad.

I still observe her act up and act impaired even when I am sure she has not had any alcohol and then is perfectly normal in the morning. Maybe "I" am in denial because I keep searching for something more. The other day I was reading about "Auto-Brewery Syndrome" and it made me raise an eyebrow!

I believe we had a codependency problem going on here between us as well.

She is actually very enthusiastic about attending her DUI mandatory classes.

Once again she made a statement about drinking, "I'm Done!" she said. Well, we'll see if her behavior improves.

Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: 1   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!